Love Is A Battlefield
an Instant Star fan fiction
by LeahAnne
Disclaimer: I do not own Instant Star. If I did, it would have ended like this. :)
A/N: Nearly two years after the last episode of Instant Star ended, I am still absolutely upset and dismayed at the way such a great show was cast off air like garbage in favor of old reruns. :( So, this is my farewell to the best show I've ever seen... one that I truly cared about watching. TV will never be the same for me. :( Mostly because it's rare that I really even get into TV shows. So here's the one last hurrah for Jommy. :)
I got my first guitar when I was six years old. I got my first acoustic when I was ten. Those two gifts were the best I'd ever gotten because they opened my heart to my first love. My music is everything to me. Everything. It's pulled me through the best of times and the worst of times and it's always gonna be there for me. My music has given me the best opportunities. It's who I am. So now my music is taking me on a new adventure. To London.
It's gonna be fabulous, London. I'm going to love it. I'm going to get to do my own music how I want to and the sky will be the limit. Just as soon as I get off of this plane.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. The worst part was at the airport, a few short hours ago. Mom and Dad and Sadie were there, wishing me luck, and telling me that I better write often. Of course I will. I love them. Even Jamie was there. Poor Jamie Andrews, whose heart I've broken more times that I can count. I feel so horrible for choosing him over my best friend so many times. But I think Jamie has found something special... or at least I hope he has. Zeppelin seems to be a sweet girl. A good girl. Much better than the one I can attest to being. The way she looks at him... it reminds me of the way I used to look at someone else.
Anyway. Moving on. The new record company I've signed with has gotten me a great apartment in an area that is filled with rock stars. It's one of the most renowned record companies in all of England and they've put their faith -- and their money -- in me. Really, it's all a bit mind-blowing.
But then again, this is what my music has done for me. This is what following my heart has done.
The plane should be landing soon. I'm excited. I, Jude Harrison, am on board for the ride of my life.
The woman standing in the waiting area of the airport is holding a big sign on it that says "Harrison." Hmn. I guess that's me, then. She's rather severe looking... in fact, she reminds me a bit of E.J. from a prior life. God, I haven't thought about Georgia and E.J. in so long. They were really the ones who put me on my feet, found me and all. And gave me something else, too. Ugh. I told myself that I wasn't going to think about --
"What are you doing here?" I had gaped at him in shock. His pretty blue viper was parked outside my school, while the school band played the song I had sung for the competition on the worst possible instruments available to them. He was leaned up against the car, wearing a denim jacket and looking absolutely gorgeous... like a rouge Abercrombie and Fitch model or something. My fifteen-year-old brain couldn't wrap around the fact that this beautiful man was waiting for me.
"Rescuing you," he answered, barely giving me a nod. He was still harsh, almost unfeeling. I later learned that that was how he dealt with annoyance and strange people, especially those who had walked out on him during a recording session. Blame Jamie Andrews for that one. Well, I guess you could blame me, too. I mean, I had really underestimated my producer after all...
"What?" I asked, in confusion.
"That was great, by the way. Love the tubas," he smirked. I cringed. Stupid school. Stupid principal. Stupid Little Tommy Q.
"Jude?" the woman asks, looking at me with a sign of relief on her face. She has a clipped British accent that somehow compliments her tightly pulled back hair and suit.
"That would be me," I say, smiling and shaking her hand.
"I'm Suzette Callahan, executive vice-president of Island Records here in London. How was your flight?" she asks.
"Long," I say truthfully.
"Well, hopefully you're not too tired out. Island Records would like to show you where you will be recording."
My eyes shoot open in excitement and she seems to sense my enthusiasm.
"Our limousine awaits. You don't have too many things with you, do you?" she asks, looking toward the luggage chute, where the airport employees are dutifully checking each and every bag. I see one of my bags come off the rack.
"There's one of my bags there," I say, heading toward it. "I only brought two."
"Light packer?" she asks, raising her eyebrows.
"Efficient packer?" I ask in return. "Besides, I wanted to leave as much stuff as possible that reminded me of my old life behind. This is a fresh start, a clean slate, right?" I smile.
"Of course," Suzette says, nodding.
Two hours later, we show up at Island Records studios. One of my bags has mysteriously disappeared. Thankfully, it wasn't the one with my music in it, but the one with all of my clothes and personal mementos from home. I was slightly irritated. Well, more than slightly. There were some photographs and scrapbooks and other personal things in there. At least I still have my laptop. I plug it into the wall and open it, preparing to play my most recent songs that aren't on my album for Suzette. Upon starting up, my computer flashes an all-too-familiar face -- I quickly look down to my keys and open up another file and replace my wallpaper.
The Viper's lights were visible in the distance. I was sititng on the front porch, trying to sort out my thoughts, how stupid I was to have kissed for absolutely no reason... that hadn't been a kiss.
I really didn't remember many of his words. It was when I had looked up into his face and saw the look in his eyes that I really paid attention and realized what he was saying.
"Look, working on a song... it's like falling in love. At first it's a rush, but then it gets painful and sometimes you gotta walk away. But sometimes you come out with something beautiful, like that song. I mean, change can be good, Jude. You want proof? Just listen." He handed me the CD and I gasped. He had recorded my performance at the Vinyl Palace. The look in his eyes had become nearly overwhelming. I had to look away.
"Don't quit. Cause you're it, girl. You're the real thing. You're even better."
That had been humiliation.
"Jude, are you having computer issues?"
I shake my head, trying to clear my thoughts. "Here it is," I say, smiling with relief as my media player starts playing the song.
Snow falls on the city, white on white
It's the color of hope on an unforgiving night
You kissed me into ruins, sin on sin
Now i've gotta love your love letters written on my skin...
I close my eyes as I listen to the song and yet another memory pops into my head. I try to keep this one at bay because it simply hurts too much. I'm unsuccesful and the tears show up when I open my eyes, blurring my vision.
Shay had broken my heart. First break-ups are hard for any girl, but this one had kept my true feelings at bay. I had sensed his jealousy for weeks, well, both of theirs. I had shoved it to the back of my mind. The door opened as I let the tears fall in the rain and he came outside, unbuttoning the jacket of his suit. He sighed.
"Go ahead, tell me I told you so," I blubbered.
"For what it's worth, Shay's a kid, and an idiot. And he made the wrong choice."
I sighed, emotion straining to come out of my voice. I did my best to hold it back. I looked over at him briefly, throwing him an accusatory glance.
"It's not worth much, coming from you."
He looked genuinely shocked as he responded. "What's that supposed to mean?"
I ignored him as I plowed through my own hurt and embarrassment. I did my best to answer his question, but fell short. "I'm so tired of falling for guys that don't fall back. It hurts."
He looked confused, as if he didn't know what to say. "Jude, I -- "
I cut him off, interrupting him. "You all say the nicest things. "You're so great, you're so nice," but none of you want to date me. So you wanna help me, Tommy? Tell me what I do wrong. Tell me why I'm so easy to give up, and then maybe I can fix it." At this point, the tears were falling freely and I didn't do a thing to stop them.
The look on his face was furious, conflicted, as he pulled me toward him roughly.
"You are asking the wrong guy. "
He kissed me with passion, pressing himself into me, not thinking, not bothering to remember the fact that I was only sixteen or the fact that he was twenty-two. I didn't know what I was thinking and for that moment in time, I didn't care. I kissed him back.
I bite back the emotion threatening to spill out as I listen to the song's chorus. He had been my first real love, hadn't he? Why had I given him up? He had asked me to marry him. He had said that he would do anything for me. Why had I gone and screwed it all up? Sure, I was afraid that he was going to hurt me again, but he had come so far. He had actually proposed and told me that he wanted all of me for forever. How many other girls had he told that to? None. I knew from the look on his face that this was different. And yet, I let him go in front of an entire audience full of people.
If I said I was truly over you
My heart would say amen
But I give in to the cold caress of 2 am
If I admit I can't get used to this
Will my heart break again?
As I fall into the waiting arms of 2 am...
"Jude, are you okay?" Suzette asks. I wipe away the tears.
"This song just means a lot to me," I answer. "It's the basement song."
"The basement song?" she asks, understanding crossing her face. "The one that everyone is literally begging for? Jude, this song is amazing. It's perfect."
I give her a sort of half-grin, not able to completely tear my thoughts away from him. If this is what getting over someone is like, then it sucks.
"Of course, our CEO is still drawing up your final paperwork. You will have a say in your payment and royalties and everything once you look it over. He's making sure that it all looks great for you. I'm sure you're going to love it here, Jude."
"I'm excited," I say, honestly. I just wonder if it would be any better if he was here with me. I quickly tear myself away from that particularly dangerous thought.
"Of course, we want your potential signing with us to be kept completely secret until we are ready to unveil it. You will be Island Records newest talent and quite possibly the most prolific in this decade. Everyone across Canada already knows who you are and now we want to take England by storm. Are you ready?" she asks, grinning.
"I can't wait," I say, but this time, I can't stop thinking about how much better this moment would be if Tommy Detois was sitting in that empty chair next to me.
"You will temporarily be staying in a hotel room until your final living arrangements are completed. However, we hope you will be comfortable. You will be staying at Claridge's."
"Cla-what?" I ask, not comprehending.
"Google it," Suzette says. "I'll be right back. I need to let John know that we have arrived."
She headed out of the room and left me alone with my computer. I quickly checked my email.
Two emails from Mom, four from Dad, three from Sadie, SIX from Tommy...
I checked the ones from my family and left the others sitting in my inbox. I was not in the mood to read them.
I let my mind go back to that dangerously tempting place once more.
"Miss Harrison?"
"Mr. Quincy... or producer person?"
He pulled me close to him for a hug. My mouth opened at the last minute and for a brief second it was almost a kiss... My thoughts jumbled and I stepped back in slight embarrassment. So after a tour across Canada and the States, I still hadn't changed. I was dating Jamie Andrews, my best friend, and still absolutely infatuated with someone else. Stupid girl.
"Okay, umn, yeah... I think I left the sophisticated part of me somewhere in Moosejaw."
"Famous for sophistication," he added sarcastically.
"What, me or Moosejaw?" I asked.
"I think I'm gonna go for an even split," he said, winking.
He was always goofy, always funny, almost always able to make me laugh. I cheered up, thinking back on the memories I had of him... I slipped under the current. I opened up my photos and clicked through the old ones of me and Tommy, from back in my redhead days, to when I was with Speid, to my eighteenth birthday... I tried to desperately think of something else, but more and more memories seemed to flood my mind until --
My seventeeth birthday.
We were locked in the rehearsal space and couldn't get out. Eventually, after much yelling and fighting, we both ended up on the couch and I sat next to him, sighing. He looked over at me."
I sighed. "So I pushed you into the hot tub for telling the truth? What else can I be? All apologies."
He looked as if he was trying to say something important. "You know, people... they don't always see who you really are. But I need you to try."
I was confused. I frowned and looked over at him, shrugging, Hadn't I always seen him for what he really was? What was he talking about?
"I always thought I saw the real you."
He didn't completely answer my thoughts this time. He swallowed and sighed. "Believe me, in me, again."
I was confused, conflicted. "I want to, but..." I didn't know what else to say. He changed the subject.
"Sadie and I... we weren't right."
"Why?" I asked, breathlessly, wondering why he was bringing this up now.
"You know exactly why." He gave me a certain look that sent shivers going down my spine all over again. His eyes met mine and as always, sparks flew. I finally looked away.
"Yeah."
The door slammed, breaking me out of my reverie. The CEO was standing right in front of me, looking pleased.
"Jude, I've just finished the final details of your contract. You ready?"
"Yeah," I said, grinning and placing my laptop underneath my chair. I wouldn't let old memories mess this up for me. What we had was over. It was time to move on.
I just arrived in my suite and it is by far the nicest hotel I've ever stayed in. Ever. It's like a miniature apartment complete with a luxury bed and kitchen and sofa and plasma TV. Upon arriving here, I had to take a few minutes to jump on the bed. Which, I must say, is absolutely AWESOME. And I just climbed into the shower and it is equally fantastic. If this is what being a rock star is like, then I am ready for the next big thing. Three words: Bring. It. On.
I close my eyes as the water relaxes all of my stressed out joints. I find myself singing a song underneath my breath...
I tried to tell you
I've got to get away
I tried to say
I need my space --
I couldn't finish. He interrupted me.
"You want to switch to the condenser mic?"
I sighed. "No, it's... it's not that."
He looked confused. "Are the acoustics too clean?"
I didn't know what else to say. "No, it's... the song."
He seemed irritated. "You know, you interrupted my very cordial lunch meeting to beg me for another shot."
I stuttered. "I know, it just... it doesn't feel right."
If he wasn't confused before, he definitely was now. "It's romantic, it's got passion, it's - "
"It's about you." My words were a bit unsure and his reaction was everything I'd imagine it would be. His jaw dropped slightly and the silence was awkward.
"On the tour bus, coming home and seeing you was almost all I could think about. And I wanted to put those feelings away... to stay safe."
He smiled briefly.
"Can you bring them back out?"
I wasn't sure whether he was merely saying this in order to get me to sing or because he truly wanted to know how I felt. At this point, I didn't care.
"Not with you staring at me like that," I said, smiling.
I can't get the memories out of my head at this point. Everything reminds me of him. Everything. And I have no idea what is triggering it. Perhaps it's just the sheer absence of him. I feel empty, like there's a big hole in my heart and I can't close it. Like the chasm just keeps getting wider and wider. I step out of the shower and wrap myself in a towel, realizing that I have nothing to wear. Fantastic. Stupid airport people. I guess I'll have to tell Suzette about it in the morning.
It's the first time in a while that I've thought about Patsy. You know, there were a lot of famous Patsy's out there... Patsy Cline, Pat Benatar... well, Pat Benatar was a guy, I think. I miss her. She was a riot. I'm not really sure what brought up the thought of Patsy, but I know she'd probably tell me to fuck this life and do whatever the hell I want. And honestly, the more I think about what I want, it's a huge career back home. Perhaps, after all of this is over, he'll still be waiting for me. Perhaps he'll still want me. Who knows? It could happen, right?
Yeah, so I'm probably just kidding myself. Tommy Quincy will have a whole slew of women waiting for him back home. Somehow, I find solace in the fact that I was probably the only one that he asked to marry him. Well, besides Portia. Then again, I never slashed the tires on someone's car and killed them. I guess she somehow got over Tommy, though. I mean, I'm not dead. Yet. Hopefully this whole hurting thing will pass over quickly.
Although I probably deserve to die a slow, painful death for all the pain I caused him. But I mean, we caused each other pain for three years, right? So this surely isn't all my fault.
I fall into the bed, curling the blankets around me. Through the pitch black night, I can almost see him. He's so close, yet so far away... on the other side of the ocean.
Memories from the last two years flow through my head and they're nearly unstoppable. I can't shake them.
"I'm just saying you've come away since we started working together. Many moons ago."
"You know that used to make girls cry, not cackle."
"Oh, it's Little Tommy Q and your parachute pants are so shiny!"
"When I'm with you Jude, I can almost believe that I can be the man I should be."
"You don't know how many times I've thought about asking you just... leave with me. But there are things you don't know."
"I know I love you."
"And now you can, as the sole owner of your own music... Jude, I love you."
"I stripped down the vocals and undressed the mic, or is that too NC-17 for you?"
"I think the iguana is topless."
"Because the music is all I have left... I can't believe he didn't call or come back... He said we were over, I can't believe he meant it..."
"And I am twice the producer I ever thought I could be because of you..."
"I'm Jude Harrison and I'm a Tommy-holic."
"Tommy... in the studio... I know you're kinda trying to get over him but he's gone loco, big time."
"Just so you know, when the dealer is referring to chips, he's not offering you a snack pack."
"I want all of you, with me, forever. Marry me."
I can't take it anymore. The memories keep dancing around my head and I can't stop them; I can't get them to leave me alone. It is completely agonizing. I bury myself further into my pillow, trying desperately to block it all out.
I don't know where my head is anymore, but I do know where my heart is. I think I left it back in Toronto.
The next morning, I wake up and get dressed. I quickly put on my make-up and head to the studio, wearing the same clothes I wore the day before.
"Jude, where are your clothes?" Suzette asks upon my arrival at Island Records..
"I still haven't heard back from the airport. They never called," I groan, putting my hands in my back pockets.
Suzette sighs and heads into her office. I follow her, my pounding headache and lack of sleep already getting on my nerves.
"Did you have a good night? Other than not having a lot of your things?" she asks with concern.
"Yeah," I say, nodding. "The hotel was fantasic."
"That's great. Have a seat."
I sit down in the nice armchair in front of the desk.
"I see your producer at G-Major was Tommy Quincy. Looks like the two of you did some great work together."
"Yeah, he was a really great producer. We made good music together."
"Your last record sales did do quite a dip. What happened?" she asks rather abruptly.
"I just had a lot going on. We were dating and he broke up with me and things were just... complicated. I was a mess. However, we did remix and rerelease that album. He helped me with it."
"Did you solely produce your third album?"
"Yeah, it was called "My Turn" simply because it really was my turn to do it, you know?" I said, sighing. Obviously she wasn't too impressed with my crazy remixing of the tracks.
"I like what Quincy did with it," she says. "Does he still have a contract with G-Major?"
"Yeah," I sigh.
"Any chance we could pull him out of it?" she winks. "I'd really like to see what you two could do together under Island Records."
I gape at her. Pulling up my jaw, I frown. "Are you serious?"
"Of course," she said. "I mean, the fact that you two dated won't be a huge problem will it?" she asks. "I don't want to make things complicated. I mean, you're our first priority, Jude."
"No, no, I mean, I guess I could call him and ask him."
"I could, if that would be easier. Do you have his phone number?"
I headed up to the airport later that day and double-checked with booking to see if my bag had been found.
"I'm sorry, Miss Harrison, but there is no bag in sight..." the attendant says apologetically.
Arriving from New York, New York, USA, American Airlines Flight 132 --
I turn around and drop my bag in frustration and close my eyes. When I open them, I find myself facing the passengers coming off the plane from New York City. Stupid flight attendants!
Faced with the fact that I'm not going to get my clothes, I start walking toward the exit of the airport, headed back to my limo.
"Jude?"
I keep walking. Someone's probably talking to someone else. There are so many little boys with my name now... not really sure why. My parents, well, more like my dad, were stupid for giving me such a masculine name. But I guess it works for a rock star. I can't believe that's what I'm officially going to be in less than 24 hours.
"JUDE!"
Whoever is yelling my name is really driving me crazy. I pick up my speed and reach for my iPod in my purse, ready to block out the people yelling.
"JUDE HARRISON!"
At that, I whip around and see a vision of dark hair and black leather running toward me. It takes me about two seconds to realize that Tommy Quincy is here. In London. But... but why?
I don't care. It doesn't matter. He's here. Tommy Quincy is here. He followed me.
I run toward him, unaware that everyone in the terminal is now staring at us. He pulls me into his arms and kisses me passionately, not caring that people are watching us, that flashbulbs are going off...
"Like it or not, I'm not letting you go," Tommy whispered into my hair. "Not happening. Never again."
"Tommy..." I murmur, tears stinging my eyes.
"I don't care if you want a quiet life in the country, raising sheep, or a loud life as a rock star. I told you, I want all of you today, tomorrow, and forever. And I won't take no as an answer."
I don't know what to say, so I just listen in shock as he gets down on one knee in front of me, in front of all of these strangers in the terminal.
"I lost you once and was absolutely miserable. I won't do it again, Jude. I won't let you go. I'll stay here in London with you. I'll do whatever I can. But I want you to marry me. Please, Jude. Marry me."
Flashbulbs and loud screaming ensues and I'm completely in shock.
"Tommy..." I murmur.
"Please, just say yes," he whispers softly.
I merely nod, unable to speak. Yes. That's my answer. I don't know what else to say, emotion keeps me from being able to completely voice my answer.
Tears well up in Tommy's eyes and he leans down and kisses me again.
"You have no idea how bad it hurt when I thought I had lost you for good," he murmurs in my ear as everyone in the terminal goes wild.
But I don't care.
I could say that I don't care,
but the truth is i'd follow you anywhere.
I've been waiting such a long, long time,
don't you dare change your mind.
I smile up at him, genuinely happy for the first time in months. Maybe I could have it all.
"Oh, and Jude?" Tommy whispers.
"What?" I ask, grinning at him.
"You left your bag in Toronto. I brought it with me."
~fin~