General Stupidity and Major Nonsense
Spacegypsy1
A Jack and Vala friendship. Jack wants to teach Vala how to get Daniel and Vala wants to teach Jack how to get Sam. J/S and D/V shippiness. Over the top fluffy, sappy, and sexy. Rated T
CHAPTER ONE:
"I wasn't the one who insisted on buying it. That was you!"
"Yeah, well, you were the one who said …whatever it was you said about it!" Jack took a quick scan of the crowd after his loud outburst.
"I told you it was something she wanted to buy for herself but she didn't think she should spend the money…too frivolous and all that."
After uncrossing his eyes from the blur of her hand waving wildly, Jack looked at the shopping bag dangling from his fingers. "Here, you carry it!" He handed the large pink bag to Vala. "Come on, I'm ready to get out of here."
"I'm not. I still have shopping to do, and you promised. I was so bored alone at the base."
"Not my fault. You should know better than to jump off cliffs. Lam will have my hide if she finds out you're here and I've got you thumping around on crutches in a mall."
"Hmph. General Landry knows where I am." Vala fluffed her hair and headed off holding the Victoria's Secret bag easily as she hobbled along on her crutches. "Come on, Jack. I want to get to that cute little store with all the hair clips!" She caught up with one of the Secret Services guys that had come along. "Here. You carry it." The bag went quickly into the man's hands. He didn't blink an eye. But then who could tell behind those dark glasses.
"I'll pay fifty bucks to the first one of you who can get her out of here in the next five minutes." Not a one of the three men said a word. "A hundred?"
--
Vala's brace-encased ankle was propped up on pillows on Jack's coffee table as she munched on chocolate-covered strawberries and drank Guinness...for breakfast. With a knowing grin, she listened to the sounds of tissue paper being rustled, as Jack, once again, was inspecting the gift he'd purchased for Sam.
"You need to go home." He told Vala for the umpteenth time.
"Not going to happen, darling. I'm not leaving here until Daniel gets back."
"Fine. I have to go to work."
"Fine. I have lots of movies."
"Suit yourself."
"Leave me your credit card." Another strawberry went down the hatch.
"What?" Jack stood behind the couch, eyes boring into the top of Vala's head.
"I need a credit card. I might want to go somewhere, buy something. Maybe food."
"I have food."
"I don't eat green, fuzzy food, Jack." Palm out, held over her head, she waited.
"I totally understand Daniel's frustrations with you." He dug his wallet out and reluctantly placed his credit card in her hand.
"He's totally adorable, isn't he?"
"Oh yeah, totally. Let Mick here know if you need anything else."
Turning to the man standing like a statue near Jack's door, Vala grinned. "Why are leaving him here?"
"Because Hank insisted."
"He's terribly difficult to seduce; believe me, I tried." At the unconcerned wave from Jack, Vala grinned. "Bye Jack. And let me know when you're coming to take me out to dinner."
--
Looking deceptively chaste in her upswept hairdo and modest cocktail dress, Vala downed her third Passion Fruit martini.
Jack wasn't the least bit concerned. Vala was well known for holding her liquor. "So, what's with you and Daniel?"
Eyes smiling, Vala dabbed at her lips with the linen napkin. "Girl talk, Jack? Shopping at Victoria's Secret? One might begin to wonder what's up with you and Daniel."
Completely immune to her sultry look and seductive tone, Jack reached across the table and speared the piece of steak she'd left untouched on her plate. "That old nag has been ridden to the grave, Vala. Quit avoiding the subject."
"Is this a business dinner? I thought we were friends. And is that very attractive young man over there one of your boys?"
"Probably." Jack didn't bother to look.
"You have a lot of those too, don't you?"
"You're hot property. Wouldn't want SG-1 skinning me alive if I lost you."
"Hot? You noticed?"
"Vala."
"Oh, alright. You're just about as much fun as Daniel. But you don't come close to being as sexy as he is."
"Thanks."
Vala pushed the remainder of her dinner around on her plate, pausing occasionally to spin the fork around in her fingers.
"What's wrong? Talking about Daniel got you down?"
Dropping the fork, Vala rested her chin on her fist. "I'm in love with him, and he thinks of me as a teammate…and occasionally a nuisance…okay, more than occasionally. And the really sad thing is that there is nothing I can do, short of using your little time machine to go back and fix it."
"Oh yeah, I'll bring it right over for ya, we can all take a ride to never-never land and fix all the things we want to. Yeah, good plan. Ever consider trying to talk to him…ya know, in a normal way?"
"I don't speak normal, not my language."
"Well, ya know…."
Her head jerked up. "Please - please don't give me the rhetoric about his past losses, all he's been through, what he's suffered. It doesn't make sense that he'd spurn my advances, he's all male. I'm just not his 'type', and I never will be. But, Mr. General in Charge of all things related to my employment, you need not worry it will affect my performance at my job, if that's what you're fishing for."
"You know why I agreed to you coming here?"
Smiling up at the waiter who delivered her triple chocolate dessert, Vala answered. "No. Why?"
Jack folded his arms on the table and leaned forward. "Because I think you're good for him. And I think he really cares for you…no, wait…I know it." Totally surprised by the tears that pooled in her eyes, Jack reached for her hand. "Okay, so he's a bit odd. Well, actually, more than a bit." He smiled at Vala's grin. "He's work-absorbed. I think he's been that way all his life. I can picture him as a little kid, hiding behind glasses and his nose in a book. I can picture him as that kid in those Harry Potter books, which I have never read, except maybe one, okay, two, and don't tell me what happens cause I don't have time to read right now. But anyway, I'm thinking we could, ya know, sort of work in tandem. Maybe I could help you show him that you really care."
Completely taken aback by his offer, Vala covered her mouth with a hand, more tears flooding her eyes.
"Ah, come on now, don't cry. What would the team think? Vala Mal Doran in tears!?" Jack motioned for the check.
The waiter delivered her crutches with the check and helped Vala up. When they reached the sidewalk Jack's 'boys' helped her into the car, then Jack nodded, sending them off.
As the car moved out away from the city, Vala turned to Jack, brows furrowed.
He answered her silent question. "We're going to Dulles. They're due back early."
"Why do you do that?"
"What? Go to airports?"
"No. Use excuses to go and see Samantha."
"This isn't about me and Carter."
"I beg to differ."
"Beg all you want to." Squirming in his seat, Jack looked ahead trying to ignore her.
"You're in love with her! I knew it! All that talk about me and Daniel and here you sit, looking like a…a person at Christmas."
"Kid."
"Oh, definitely a kid."
"A kid at Christmas, Vala."
"Exactly!"
"You're not making any sense."
"And you are?"
"I never make sense." With a confused shake of his head, Jack looked at the door handle, running one finger across its length.
"Ha! If we're going to work in your tandem, then you are going to have to cooperate. I say we help each other. Deal?"
Jack raised his eyes to the glass panel between them and the driver before turning and holding out his hand. "Deal."
Vala shook his hand, grinning deliriously.
--
Standing in the Gateroom, Jack ignored Dr. Lam's scowl when she brought in a chair for Vala as she waited for her team to arrive. Carolyn made a disagreeable sound before turning to leave. "What, no chair for me?" He called out in a hurt tone.
"Incoming wormhole." Walter announced, and Jack grinned at Vala. "That just never gets old. Incoming wormhole, where the hell else would you ever hear that?"
"Wormhole Xtreme?" Vala offered.
"You watch that crap?"
"You read Harry Potter?"
"Okay, here's the deal…" The iris opened and Jack shut up as he helped Vala to stand.
The ragged and exhausted looking team filed through the 'Gate. Sam's eyes lit on seeing Jack, and Daniel smiled at Vala. Mitchell was waving at General Landry in the control room, as the commander greeted them with his usual 'welcome back, SG-1', and Teal'c took in the scene of the couples engaging in silent communication.
"It is good to see you, O'Neill."
"Likewise, T."
"What are you two so dressed up for?" Mitchell handed off his P-90.
"Dinner. Jack took me to dinner in Washington."
Vala was still smiling as Daniel came up beside her. "Washington? I guess you're feeling better."
"Oh, I'm much better. Except Jack was cranky the entire time, I'd much rather listen to you – you're much cuter cranky then he will ever be." Vala's wide eyed expression and Cheshire-cat grin was wasted on Daniel who was looking at her foot. "Oh. That. Carolyn says the brace will be off in a day or two. You?"
"Exhausted. I'm going for my post-mission exam, a shower, the briefing, and bed." His hand went to her back in support as she walked beside him on her crutches.
"Oh." Disappointment was heavy in her tone.
"General." Sam greeted with a nod.
"Colonel. Let me know when you're done, I have a…I'd like to talk to…I want to give you something…well, just call me when you're done."
"Tonight? I'm so tired. Could it wait 'til morning, or are you leaving?"
"Nope. Tomorrow's fine." Jack looked up to see Vala looking back at him with a frustrated frown.
--
"As soon as Daniel heads for the showers, I'm going to follow him." Vala's hands waved around wildly, and the crutches nearly fell. "I could offer to scrub his back, wash his hair, dry him off…"
"See, that's your problem!" Grabbing the crutches, Jack set them straight. "Look, don't do anything but…"
"You've been chasing Samantha for eleven years and you want to give me advice! Really, Jack…we are such a lame excuse for finding potential partners. I need to coach you in how to move forward with your advances and you need to teach me how to pull back. Well, isn't that a revelation!? Come on to my room, darling, I think I have just the advice you need."
After all his years of black ops, near deaths, fighting all manner of baddies bent on world and/or galactic domination, multiple deaths and torture, Jack felt he was looking into the face of something much more horrifying. Vala Mal Doran and her bag of tricks. She had moved on while he stood in terror watching her operating her crutches with the efficiency of a replicator. Dare he? Did she in fact have the skills to help him accomplish his long lost goal? And did he truly think he had the skills to teach her how to be subtle, and calm, and not come on to Daniel like some flame-throwing hooker? Yep. This could work. Finally, he relented. "Okay. I'm all yours."