Title: you can keep all your misery
Rating: K
Characters/Pairings: Brambleclaw, Squirrelflight, Hollyleaf, others; Brambleclaw/Squirrelflight and strained Crowfeather/Leafpool.
Summary: If Brambleclaw had known that the latter part of his life – everything that he had carefully built up as a means to move on from the looming shadow of his father and brother – would be torn down because of one sentence, he's certain that he would've passed on this Gathering.
Authors Note: Something that I wanted to write for a while now, and I am extremely proud of this! This may appear to be not Squirrelflight and Leafpool friendly, but these are internal thoughts of Brambleclaw, not me! Title from "Therapy" by All Time Low.
The night holds that cold snap that Brackenfur had mused on back at camp, and Brambleclaw shivers as a chilly breeze rolls down his back, reminiscent to a claw trailing down the length of his spinal cord. The Gathering island is not as warm and familiar as the forest had been, but, well. The Clan's have done good so far, with new warriors that would grow up thinking that this was the place their ancestors were born and raised in.
Brambleclaw can't help but smile softly when he remembers that his own kits would be some of those new cats, and he's thankful that they weren't born in the forest during that time, like Birchfall and so many other kittens were. He saw what pain Dustpelt and Ferncloud went through, and he can't even imagine – he doesn't want to – what that would feel like.
Squirrelflight lingers by his side; her emerald eyes hold some shaded emotion in their core, as if she's pondering on something – something bad. His mind goes to Ashfur for a moment; the gray-flecked tom had held that burning resentment in him for Squirrelflight, and his sudden death had probably warped with her mind in more ways then one.
That, added on with a killer on the loose and the lingering shadow of Sol in the background,
(and the still-present nightmares that Brambleclaw has of Hawkfrost because he can't believe that his brother could've done that-)
and it would be safe to say that the Clan's were silently suffering from hectic times.
Brambleclaw sees a dark sharp slithering around in his peripheral, and he turns to spot his daughter weaving quickly through the crowd, muscular shoulders easily pushing aside nonchalant bystanders as she moves to the center-front of the Gathering crowd.
Hollyleaf's piercing green gaze rests on the tree for a few moments, her eyes narrowed and her teeth beginning to show underneath a curling lip, and Brambleclaw instinctively has the urge to run over and ask her what's wrong, to calm her down because she's never looked this angry.
Brambleclaw frowns as he watches as Lionblaze sits beside her, his golden-furred son leaning toward his sister and murmuring something to her. Hollyleaf looks past him, glaring over to the side, and growling something back to him.
The exchange seems frightening and private, and, when Brambleclaw leans toward Squirrelflight to ask her if she knows anything about their kits behavior, a shrill yowl slices through the chilled night air. Brambleclaw glares up at Leopardstar as she steps forward, spotted golden fur holding an eerie glow in the moonlight.
She begins to speak about how some of her warriors chased off fox from their territory, and Brambleclaw flicks an ear, calling out their names in a congratulatory manner. Squirrelflight follows his lead absently, her gaze continuously shifting over to Hollyleaf and Lionblaze.
Brambleclaw stares down at his mate, frowning and allowing his tail to swish to her side, tapping her lightly. Squirrelflight slowly tears her gaze away from them, looking up at him and blinking.
Her face, usually bright with enthusiasm and joy, is now taunt with worry and anxiety, her eyes wide and unblinking. Instinctively, he lowers his muzzle to pat his nose against her forehead – something that he used to do whenever she confessed something that was bothering her. It's an old, tedious thing, but she smiles weakly after he does it, so.
When he turns his attention back to the leaders, he sees Blackstar stepping back, white fur becoming swathed with dark gray splotches from the shadows of the leaves. The large, battle-scared leader nods to Onestar, but the WindClan leader has nothing to report aside from a dead sheep on the edge of their territory.
Firestar steps up after that, and Brambleclaw watches as his leader clears his throat, powerful gaze overlooking the gathered cats for a moment before speaking.
"Sol has left the forest," Brambleclaw can't help but set his jaw at that, narrowing his gaze and holding back a growl when he remembers the tortoiseshell. It wasn't just the lake cats that suffered due to that rouge; Brambleclaw can still feel the waves of agony and resentment that flowed from the group of former kittypets and loners that Sol had destroyed back at the Twoleg place.
As he thinks of Sol, amber eyes bright with malice and pride, he can't help but get a cold chill as the tortoiseshell pelt of the rogue changes to dark brown tabby fur, his mind making a connection toward his father.
Brambleclaw looks down, and shoves it away because no. Tigerstar didn't matter, not anymore. He doesn't know what his father is up to now, probably along with Hawkfrost in the Place of No Stars, but. Whatever it is, as long as it doesn't concern his family or the Clans, Brambleclaw doesn't care.
(He needs to stop caring about his dead kin because it serves him no good.)
As Firestar begins to speak again, Blackstar and Leopardstar cut him off, quipping in something about how it was a good riddance to the forest, or some insult to Firestar. He's a bit too far back to hear, but from the way Firestar grips the edge of the tree branch, and the forced smile that's thrown his face, Brambleclaw can guess that his former mentor is shoving down the urge to cuff the two older leaders ears.
"Besides that-"
"Wait!"
Along with Squirrelflight, Brambleclaw snaps his gaze from Firestar, and looks to the front of the crowd. He feels a stab of shock and slight embarrassment when he sees his daughter glaring up at her leader, spine fur bristled and eyes crazed.
He stares at her, blinking and frowning, and looking down to his mate, about to ask her what was going on with her – with all three of them – but is met with the quivering form of Squirrelflight.
The dark ginger warrior has lost her trademark bold attitude, and is now reduced to a she-cat who looks absolutely terrified. Brambleclaw feels a burst of anger well through him; whoever dared make her look this frightened was going to get what was coming to them.
He moves a paw over so that it can brush against hers, but Squirrelflight brushes him off, focusing on Hollyleaf instead.
"There's something that I have to say that all the Clans should hear."
A curious murmur rises in the crowd at her statement, and Brambleclaw raises a brow cautiously, glancing over to where Jayfeather sat.
His son's blind gaze was wide with horror, his fur beginning to rise up, but Brambleclaw can't help but look at Leafpool as well. The light brown tabby is frozen in her position, her gaze locked on the form of Hollyleaf and not wavering.
What is going on? It's the only thought that he can process at the moment; he looks at the faces of his ThunderClan family, and can't help but feel like he's the only one left out on some deep, frightening secret that Hollyleaf couldn't help but feel the need to release. And judging by the looks on all of their faces, it seems as though this secret was something that definitely not be said at a Gathering.'
Lionblaze says something to her. Hollyleaf growls something back, before she returns her attention to Firestar. She pauses, and then turns, overlooking the crowd with an enraged stare.
"You think you-"
"Hollyleaf!" Thank StarClan, he thinks as Firestar calls out, staring down at his granddaughter with a disapproving glare. "If you have anything important to say here, it should have been discussed with me first. Be silent now, and whatever's troubling you, I'll talk to you about it tomorrow."
At her leaders words, Brambleclaw watches as his daughter clenches her jaw, staring down, and looking ashamed for just a heartbeat.
But it's almost as if any of her former regrets are torn off of her, and she looks back up at the leaders with an irritated glare.
"No! I will speak now!"
A small exchange happens between the other three leaders, and then Firestar sighs, nodding, and murmurs something to Hollyleaf. The black she-cat's eyes glitter, and she turns back to the gathered crowd once more.
"You think you know me and my brothers, Lionblaze and Jayfeather of ThunderClan. You think you know us, but everything you have been told is a lie!"
Brambleclaw stares at his daughter, slack jawed and confused – more than ever. He glances down at his mate, watching as Squirrelflight gulps, her gaze sorrowful and hurt.
If Brambleclaw had known that the latter part of his life – everything that he had carefully built up as a means to move on from the looming shadow of his father and brother – would be torn down because of one sentence, he's certain that he would've passed on this Gathering.
"We are not the kits of Squirrelflight and Brambleclaw!"
When Goldenflower finally passed peacefully in her sleep due to old age, Brambleclaw had been certain that the hole that was sliced into his chest would never close up. His mother had been the best parent she could be to him – serving as both a mother and a father – and seeing her go had been painful.
But this...this feeling that began to well up in his chest, gripping his belly with a static claw, and leaving a cold, horrible residue in him felt like it would leave the most ugly of scars.
He stares at his daughter
(or who he thought was his daughter – what was she talking about there was no way that she couldn't be his-)
with round eyes, praying to some unforeseen force that she had to be lying. Or mistaken. Lionblaze bore the markers of his side of the family, what with his thick fur, broad, muscular shoulders, and those glinting amber eyes that looked completely reminiscent to his own and his father's. Hollyleaf herself reminded him of Tawnypelt's body shape and form, and Jayfeather held the fragile body of Mothwing.
Or Leafpool.
A dark, frightening thought crosses his mind, and before he can even begin to shove it away because of how impossible it was, his mind has begun to make connections.
Hollyleaf and Jayfeather's gray-toned fur colors have always been somewhat of a mystery to him. Jayfeather holds a lean, slim form with short coarse fur. Only one Clan held that-
No. No no no no no. It wasn't.. Brambleclaw knows that it's not true – that it couldn't be true. They were his kits, he and Squirrelflight's. He had raised them from little kittens, and into strong and brave warriors, and a talented medicine cat.
Trust is something that Brambleclaw has valued over all; it's been a path that has been well trodden by him by now. He's had to gain the trust of many over and over again for something that his father forced upon him – a destiny that he was not allowed to make for his own because every cat only saw his father in him, rather than the cat that he could be if they gave him a chance.
And, above all, his trust has been broken before. By Hawkfrost, namely.
And now, perhaps by Squirrelflight.
Before he can stop himself, rage pools into his body, forcing him to his feet. He glares at Squirrelflight, his body rattling with pent up rage because this couldn't be happening again.
Squirrelflight has always told him that she didn't care about what Tigerstar, and the legacy that he had left behind for Brambleclaw to suffer with. She continuously reminded him that she loved him for him and no for his rank in the Clan, or out of pity.
"What?" he cries out angrily, causing heads to snap up and stare at him. Hollyleaf glances at him, her eyes cooling down from rage to an almost soft emotion, but Brambleclaw is focused on Squirrelflight. "Squirrelflight, why is she talking such nonsense?"
Squirrelflight simply stares back at him. Her eyes shine with guilt and sorrow, the emerald color glassy and wide. She stands up, gulping and opening her mouth, before closing it once again. Her ears begin to drop, but she stops them halfway, instead keeping up a strong exterior.
It seems like a lifetime passes through them, with Squirrelflight holding his enraged gaze. He feels sorry for a few moments; he can see that she loves him, and he knows she does, he really does...but if he did, then why...
"I'm sorry, Brambleclaw, but it's true. I am not their mother, and you are not their father."
He feels as though his whole body is numb when she speaks. Brambleclaw can hardly stop himself from wishing that he can somehow go back to the innocence of his kithood, where the only thing that he had to worry about was chasing a mossball and pondering with Tawnykit on who would be their mentors.
He stares at her. "Then who is?"
She doesn't look at him; she turns, looking over to where Hollyleaf stands. His dau-
(or who he thought to be his daughter)
glares back at her. Brambleclaw can see that there is hardly a strand of fur on the black she-cat's pelt that is laying against her body.
"Tell them, Hollyleaf. I kept the secret for many seasons; I'm not about to reveal it now."
Brambleclaw's ears begin to draw back, his shoulders vibrating with intense anger. She kept this from him for seasons, and yet, when it was time for it to be revealed, she wouldn't do it?
"Coward!" Hollyleaf snarls, voicing Brambleclaw's thoughts. The warrior glares around her, at all the eyes that are focused in on her. "I'm not afraid of the truth! Leafpool is our mother, and Crowfeather – yes, Crowfeather of WindClan – is our father!"
Brambleclaw had been certain that his rage was pointed at Squirrelflight, and while a lot of it still was, he can't help but glare over at the cat who had never trusted him, no matter how hard he had tried to gain her approval, and at his once-friend.
Deep down, he supposes that the signs had been there; the small, bittersweet glances that Leafpool and Squirrelflight had shared with each other as the three kittens had played outside. The way that Jayfeather seems to look less and less like his aunts, Mothwing and Leafpool, and more and more like Crowfeather and Ashfoot. How Leafpool had been so upset when Jayfeather had gotten injured as a kitten, the close relationship that the pair held.
Brambleclaw watches as Leafpool looks down, sighing sadly, and as Crowfeather stares bewilderingly at Hollyleaf, as if he too can't understand what she's saying. His rage and betrayal and hurt grows in size, because how dare they.
Hollyleaf, Lionblaze, and Jayfeather were his scapegoat from his problems; he loves them dearly, and holds them so close to his heart because, aside from Squirrelflight and his position as deputy, they were the best things in his life. They were the kittens that he had played with on cool newleaf evenings. The kittens that he had protected so fiercely whenever there was a battle, making sure that Hollyleaf remembered to watch on all sides of her, and that Lionblaze knew when to stop attacking.
And now, they, like so many other things,
(his innocence. His sister. His brother. His hope for a good and easy life.)
were being taken from him.
Hollyleaf continues on with another cry of anger, snarling out how the Clans were being betrayed by cowards and liars, but all Brambleclaw can look at is Squirrelflight.
She was the love of his life, however cliché that sounds. She was the only she-cat that ever made him think about how reckless he was being, the only cat that he ever really opened up to, and the only one that he'd ever want to spend the rest of his days with. She's promised him so many things, things that seem tedious and silly to some, but things that Brambleclaw can't help but want so desperately now.
"I trust you, Brambleclaw." "You're not your father or Hawkfrost." "I love you for you."
Were all of those lies? If she could lie to him about something as important as who his kits really belonged to, she could definitely lie about that.
In his pondering, he's missed Crowfeather's denial over being their true father, and the fact that Leafpool admitted to it, and gave up being medicine cat, but he doesn't really care about those things right now. All that he can think about is Squirrelflight and how, once again, yet another cat couldn't trust him.
Add her onto the list.
Silence is etched all around Brambleclaw as he pads forward, standing face to face with Squirrelflight. From this distance, he can see the pretty little lines that creased into her fur, causing small dents, from all of the times she's smiled, the small scar that created a part in her feathery fur from that time she was chasing a vole and a branch nicked her.
He can see all of the regret and guilt she holds, and yet, he still finds himself mad at her.
He wants to ask her a million things in this moment; "When did this happen?" "How could you sneak this past everyone?" "Did Leafpool tell you not to tell me, or was it you who didn't want to?" "Were you ever really in love with me?" But the only thing that comes out of his mouth is:
"Why?"
It's such a little word, but it means everything at the moment.
Squirrelflight shakes her head, lips quivering in fear and pain. "I had to! She's my sister!"
Leafpool and Squirrelflight have always had such a close relationship. Their bond was tight, and the pair had always had a profound love for one another. Brambleclaw knows this, but still. She should've known what this would do to him if he found out – how much he needed trust.
(He's being a hypocrite, he knows it; he's never told her or any other cat aside from Firestar how close he came to following through with his father's plans. He can't be angry at her when he's kept such a terrible thing from her, but-
Still.)
"And you couldn't trust me?" He loathes how his voice shakes and trembles underneath the grief and betrayal that he's undergoing. He can feel sparks of pity around him as eyes turn to him; it's as though every cat already knows the internal dilemma he's going through.
Silence.
Brambleclaw wants to scream at her in that moment.
(YOU'RE JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE YOU CAN'T TRUST ME YOU NEVER LOVED ME HOW COULD YOU DO THIS)
He can't even begin to start on how much pain he's in. He wishes that he could brake in that moment, without worrying about being seen as weak.
(FIRST HAWKFROST AND NOW YOU WHY CAN'T ANYONE BE FAITHFUL TO ME WHY DOES EVERYONE WANT TO HURT ME)
"You couldn't trust me," he repeats, blinking slowly. She remains silent, and all Brambleclaw can see is the snickering face of his father, like a mirror of his own.
"See?" His internal-Tigerstar says, his voice a dark chuckle. "No one loves you. Tawnypelt is happy without you, now that she has her own mate and kits. Hawkfrost was going to kill you. You and Mothwing hardly talk. And now your own precious mate doesn't even trust you! You have nothing."
Brambleclaw can see Squirrelflight again; she looks like she wants to speak, but Brambleclaw opens his mouth, silencing anything she was going to say.
You are nothing. A sinister voice says somewhere in the back of his mind, and he falters before continuing on.
"Don't you think I would have helped you, if you'd told me the truth?" He shakes his head, taking a step back, and shrugs sadly. "But it's too late now."
He turns, ignoring her gasp of hurt, and shoulders past faceless cats who all look the same to him. He walks past Tawnypelt, who looks at him with sympathy. He ignores his sisters murmur of "Wait, Brambleclaw", and continues on.
"Brambleclaw-" Squirrelflight says from behind him somewhere, but she stops after she realizes that he's not turning around.
Brambleclaw ignores the soft murmurs of apologies that come from the gathered cats, and just continues on, lumbering onto the log, and padding across it.
What was the point, anyway? Was all of that – everything that he and Squirrelflight have been through – was that all nothing in her eyes? She's left him more than once; back when she thought Hawkfrost was a threat, and now.
Was he really that awful to be around? Was he really that easy to manipulate and use, to betray and toss out? It's almost like the faces of every cat that he's ever loved appear in his peripheral now, mocking him, and saying the things that he's known all along, but was too scared to admit.
You have no idea what it's like being your mate. Your kits. Your brother. Your sister. Your parents. Your Clanmates.
Brambleclaw is at WindClan territory now, padding on the edge and knowing that there was no way now. There was no way that he could ever open himself up to anyone, to allow someone into his heart and hope that they did not break his trust.
He's exhausted of feeling like nothing.