Hometown Glory.
I've been walking in the same way as I did
Missing out the cracks in the pavement
And tutting my heel and strutting my feet
"Is there anything I can do for you dear? Is there anyone I can call?"
"No and thank you, please Madam. I ain't lost, just wandering"
The calming sun rained down brilliant rays, setting fire to the trees they hit. It set a warming mood in a once bad memory for Dean. His emerald eyes were glued to the firmament as his feet dragged sluggishly, kicking stones and dirt while walking aimlessly. His eyes were plastered with hurt and stinging was clear. He remembered this school, this field he was walking in. This town was home to Dean once, but now was just an empty memory accompanied by mixed emotions. Dean's chest felt heavy being back in Lawrence, but he knew he'd come back sometime, he promised he would. As the memories came flooding back to him, Dean sucked in a shuddered breath, trying to keep the aching he felt hidden from the outside world. The cool September air blew through Dean's messy hair and tickled his whiskers. It had been almost exactly six years since he had stepped foot on the field of Hilcrest school in Lawrence, Kansas. Just as much as a weight was lifted off his shoulders, a load of guilt knotted in him because his wife wasn't here for this moment.
Round my hometown, memories are fresh
Round my hometown, ooh, the people I've met
Are the wonders of my world, are the wonders of my world
Are the wonders of this world, are the wonders of my world
"You know, I always wanted to play baseball here when I was a kid." Dean started up casually as Haley's hand wrapped around his arm. Dean smiled down at her while walking at a slow pace, lightly pushing stones out of the way.
Haley cocked her head in surprise. Not only was she surprised by the confession of Dean's childhood dream, but also because he was talking at all. Haley, Dean and Sam packed up just three days ago and left their hotel room to return to the boys' hometown of Lawrence. Sam had a nightmare of a woman screaming in their childhood home and was convinced it was going to come to pass. As luck would have it, it did. Sam's nightmares were true and the woman and her family needed the help, so the boys had to dig into what happened after and prior to their mother's untimely death. Though, despite best efforts, the Winchesters weren't the ones to save the day. Sure enough they got the family safely out of the house, but it was their mother, Mary's spirit that sacrificed itself in order to save her sons and house from the poltergeist occupying it. Dean hadn't spoken a word upon parting from the family that was saved, but they did decide on staying another day in town. Haley didn't ask him any questions, she knew he needed his space and the silence.
"What?" Haley asked with a breath of mild amusement and shock. It wasn't like Dean to reminisce, especially because of all of the strained memories in this town. Sam knew about what happened here in Lawrence just like Haley did, but they never experienced it. Dean did, and with that came a certain weight and pain to carry for 22 years. That was more than enough to permanently damage a soul.
"Sam isn't the only one who liked sports growing up." Dean teased. Haley smiled, remembering the trophy she was told about that her best friend won as a child for his performance in soccer. "My dad used to play baseball in this field when he was in school." Dean filled in as he sat himself down at the top of the bleachers and pulled Haley up to the seat beside him. "I remember he took me to a game once here, and since I saw that game I always wanted to play. You know, wonder-eyed kid wanting to follow in daddy's footsteps." Dean huffed with annoyance at how naive he was. "Guess I did, just not in the way I wanted to."
Haley's hand instinctively curled around Dean's, giving him her entire support and attempting to bring him some peace. "John is proud of the man you've become. He might not have admitted it because it's not his way, but he is. And I know Mary is too." Haley offered her reassurance to the man she loved but it didn't provide him with any comfort. Dean couldn't see why anyone would be proud of him. He was as self-loathing as they came, and the yelling and screaming and abandonment John subjected Dean to at a young age only helped to create it.
"Dad didn't even show up. I called him two days ago, begging for his help because I was so afraid that this was the thing that killed mom and Jess. And surprise, surprise, dad once again had better things to do then to help me when I needed him most." Dean shook his head disbelieving. He thought that the disappointment he felt each time John didn't answer his call would wear down over time, but it only got stronger and more wounding.
"Dean, I'm sure he tried getting here and-" Haley didn't want to believe that John flaked after an obvious urgent plea for him to show up. She loved John like a second father, but knew him better than most. She had to believe John had a good reason for not coming, and she wanted to help restore Dean's confidences in him.
"No, don't...it is okay, Hales." Dean stopped Haley as she tried to help him settle. He knew she meant well, but he knew his father like no other, and though he made the call, deep down he somewhere knew John wouldn't show. "It's not like this is news to me. Dad always flaked when it came to me and Sam. Only time we ever spent together was when we were working a case, and by working a case I mean him ordering me around, and when he was training me to become a more skilled hunter, and by training I mean ordering me around." Dean scoffed as he took a breather. Haley's hand gripped him tighter with each word he spoke, letting him know she was here and not going anywhere.
"When I was younger, it was a year after Mom died, I was getting back on my feet again trying to break into baseball. Mom always told me that I'd make a great player." Dean's lips curved into a small smile as he pictured Mary's face; she always brought him a sense of stillness where he found an inner calm. "Anyway, I went up to my dad and told him I wanted to play and he said he didn't have time for childish games, that there were more important things in this world than hitting a ball with a bat. I haven't touched a ball since then." Haley's eyes shut, the emotion cut her orbs as she could feel the anguish pouring from Dean's words. It pained her to know someone she loved was let down so harshly by yet another person she loved.
"I am so afraid that I'm going to become this bad version of my dad and just take everything out on our son, Hales." Dean's voice cracked as his real fear came seeping through. His bottom lip quivered as he let himself be sincere; a rare thing he did. Dean's head fell over his shoulders and hung while slowly shaking it back and forth. He hated moments like these when he felt too weak to hold his emotions in, but he did find comfort in confiding in Haley, she didn't judge him or pretend to know whether things were going to get better for him. Haley provided him her support and compassion and love. That's one of the things he loved most about her, how she was just there for him in his time of need.
Haley's eyes shot to Dean with baffle. She didn't know how such a thought could ever cross his mind. "Hey, listen to me." Haley's hand slipped from his and gripped his leather jacket, lightly tugging and pulling him to look at her. "You are not that guy, Dean. You are not the guy our son is going to question or resent. You are the guy he is going to look up to, to call his hero, and love without any strings or conditions. He is going to love you so much it's going to make you love all the wonderful things about yourself he sees in you that you never saw in yourself. Just like I do."
Dean's eyes gazed into Haley's as he heard her earnest perception. The look in her honey eyes told Dean everything was going to be okay. And it was powerful enough to make him believe it too. Unable to seize the overwhelming sentiment, a tear cascaded down Dean's face and dampened a trail along his cheek. Haley's sincerity stole his breath and wrapped a protective warming shield around his heart, helping to lessen the grief he felt. As a smile took Dean's face hostage a sad little smirk formed on Haley's. She wanted to do nothing more than to steal away what he was feeling. But seeing that smile let her know that she was doing something right for him.
Without giving Dean's smile a second to fade Haley lifted off of the seat next to him and climbed on top of Dean. Haley's hands gripped Dean's jacket for support as she straddled his lap. Dean's hands mechanically went to Haley's hips and rested there as if they were a safety net for if she lost her balance. Staring into his endearing bright eyes a smile swept across Haley's face, bringing new life to it. Dean's smile couldn't help but grow stronger as he watched the woman he loves become pleased. "Promise me something." Haley's velvety voice calmed the storm that was swirling inside of Dean and brought him to a sense of peace. He'd promise her the world if he could give her such a gift. "Yeah, anything." Dean gazed with curiosity; he was ready to hand her whatever she wished for.
"Promise me someday we'll come back here and our son can play baseball with his dad, just like you wanted to." Haley's hand lightly brushed her stomach that was rounding out with beauty. Haley felt her normal life was a big guilt trip for Dean in a way. She had the joys of witnessing all of the magical moments in life, such as spending quality time doing family activities with loved ones, whereas Dean didn't get such a chance. She could feel in her bones what a wonderful father Dean is going to become, and Haley wanted nothing more than to see him experiencing these magical moments for himself. This was one of her biggest dreams; to give Dean just a sliver of an apple pie life and stop the rumbling in the pit of his stomach.
Dean sucked in a breath as he heard what she needed promised to her. The weight of her words were so immense to Dean, but in the most wonderful way possible. Love and joy consumed his entire being. Dean rarely, if ever, made promises. In his life they could hardly be kept, but this was one time he felt he had to make the promise. "Sounds perfect to me." Dean's whispering voice said as a hearty smile shot across Haley's face. Haley pressed her nose to Dean's and brushed it lovingly with pride and love, savoring a touching moment with her man.
I like it in the city when the air is so thick and opaque
I like it in the city when two worlds collide
The loud bellowing sounds snapped Dean out of his trail down memory lane. His eyes adjusted to the changed sights; several bodies were filling the field now, many couples taking seats on the bleachers. "And what about your son?" Dean faintly heard a deep male voice talking to him from his side. "Hey, you okay in there?" Dean exhaled as his eyes hit the man speaking to him. He only just noticed there was a circle of parents around him all discussing their children whom were auditioning for the local little league team.
"Ugh, yeah, he's excited. He hasn't changed out of his uniform since I got it for him three days ago." Dean tried as best as he could to sound interested in the conversation, but he never was one for small talk. Besides that, Dean's mind was a million miles away. The parents chuckled at Dean's answer.
"Is your wife going to be joining us?" The man's wife asked kindly with a polite smile on her face. Anyone could tell she was hoping for all the parents in this circle to sit close together in a pack and hopefully become friends.
"What?" Dean numbly asked. His eyes were planted on the woman but he was looking straight through her into nothing.
"Jamie's mother, will she be coming to watch him play?" The woman elaborated with even more kindness for Dean. She was itching for new girlfriends to do womanly things with; such as gossiping and shopping.
Dean felt the strongest of loads crashing down on his chest, and a lump growing larger in his throat. He needed to get away from the crowd, he couldn't stand to talk about what happened; he wouldn't even speak of it to Sam. "Ugh, no. No, she won't. Um, excuse me." Dean quickly excused himself from the conversation, but tried to be polite. The group watched him with curiosity, the women in the group could sense he was in pain for some reason when speaking about his wife, they just couldn't pinpoint why. Dean stuffed his hands in his leather jacket's pockets and walked hastily away, leaving the people behind to ponder as he was lost in his memories.
Shows that we ain't gonna stand shit
Shows that we are united
Shows that we ain't gonna take it
The sanitary smell of disinfectants flared in Dean and Haley's nostrils. The smell always made Dean queasy. Haley's chest heaved in and out in slow motions. The sound of the monitor of Haley's heart rate stung Dean's ears. Haley watched Dean somberly. It was a struggle to keep her heavy, bloodshot eyes open, but whenever Dean was around she gave it her all. She yearned for nothing more than to take away the sorrow he felt, the helplessness, and Dean knew it. It shamed Dean in acknowledging Haley's grace in the face of her illness. Haley struggled through her cancer with poise and grace, when Dean was just angry. Haley tried to bring him some form of placate, but it was to no avail. At this point he was inconsolable.
"I don't care what it takes. This isn't over, not by a long-shot." Dean's voice was low and gravelly. It was evident by the way he said it his mind was already made up. He had something in mind, something Haley already suspected. Her speculations turned her stomach and made her feel nauseous.
"Dean, stop it, please." Haley was going to try and reason with Dean, even if she knew it was a moot point by now.
"No, this isn't happening." Dean persisted as if Haley hadn't spoken a word to him. With every shake of Dean's head Haley's heart was breaking.
"Dean-"Her voice was so weak it was basically a murmur now. Haley managed to take a breath and push herself into a sitting position in her bed.
"I'm not gonna lose you!" Dean shot up in a roar. His growl made the nurses at their stations jump in startle. As Dean heard Haley's heart monitor jump he instantly felt guilty for raising his voice. Her closed eyes and chest trying to push out with strained, uneven breaths only made him hurt more. "I...I can't. I can't lose you." Dean confessed in a cracking voice as he sat back down on the side of the bed. The tears swelling in his beautifully broken emerald eyes shot through Haley like an arrow. Tears wanted so badly to break through her barriers but she wouldn't allow them. She knew since the beginning she was going to have to be strong for everyone, just like her mother Lydia told her to be when she was diagnosed with the same cancer. Remembering what her mother made her promise to be, Haley buried her own pain deep inside of her.
"Come here. Listen to me…" Haley weakly spoke as her brittle hands held onto Dean's. "You'll never lose me. You'll never be without me. I'm always going to be here, resting safely in your heart, where I've always belonged. Please, don't make a deal with a demon for me, or with any other creature."
Haley's plea for Dean to sit idly by as she passed sent a sudden rush of anger through him. How could she expect him to do such a thing? It was impossible for him. "What? No. No, I didn't sign up for that, Hales. You can't just expect me to sit around and do nothing." His tone grew more passionate with each word, more intense and grounded.
"I don't." Haley simply replied as she raised her head. Her tone was even and calm, so was her expression.
"Good, then it's settled." Dean immediately dismissed the conversation and turned his face away.
Just because Dean wanted to be done with the topic doesn't mean Haley did. She was just getting started. No one wanted to have the conversation, but she knew it was necessary. "I don't expect you to do nothing. I expect you to raise and be there for our son, because I can't."
Upon hearing her expectations Dean's eyes shut instantly. "Hales…"Dean tried to reason, but she wouldn't let him; she needed this off her chest and out in the open. And under the surface she knew that Dean also needed it.
"Let me finish, Dean." Haley raised her hand and silenced Dean. Haley inhaled a deep breath as she kept eye contact with her husband; she wanted to make sure he took this in instead of choosing to ignore it. Dean looked into her drowsy eyes with impending doom.
"Yours and Sam's lives have been a series of sacrifices. You've sacrificed your lives for each other; others have sacrificed theirs for you. Everyone is just stuck in this vicious cycle where everything ends in blood for everyone. I don't want that for Jamie. And I know you don't either. You were brought back by John, and because of that, he died. And you went into this frenzy. I had never been so terrified of you in the entire time I've known you than I was then. You knew you weren't supposed to be here, that your time had come regardless of how unjust it was. But because of John's need to keep you alive, you survived at the expense of his life. And in knowing that, you changed."
Haley exhaled a huge breath. She panted while she fought to keep herself conscious. She was surprised she was able to speak that much before having to cut out for a breather. Dean instinctively moved in closer to her and propped her pillow up behind her to ensure she was comfortable. Haley offered Dean a weak smile as she gripped tighter onto his hand and continued on.
"Dean, you became this even more closed off, frenzied man. And you scared me. I don't want that fate, Dean. I know what happens when deals are made. One lives, the other dies. I don't want Jamie's life to be a series of watching his parents die over and over. Because if you make that deal for me, I'm just going to make it for you, and here we are again stuck in this wounding riptide."
"Haley, please…" The tears were so thick in Dean's voice it could make a heart of stone weep. His voice splintered with fear and tragedy. The drops that were evidence of his broken heart laid on the edge of his eyelids, ready to shatter.
Her heart banged against her chest, begging for her to throw her arms around Dean, to take all her words back and stop his suffering, but Haley felt she couldn't do that. She couldn't give in anymore; she had to be strong, just like her mother believed she was. It was time for Haley to live up to her potential. When in feeling this was the right choice, that she needed to continue, she kept a leveled head and soft but firm eye contact with Dean.
"I have spent the better part of my life standing by you. Trusting every move you make and every word you say, knowing you were doing and saying it all for the greater good. Now, I'm asking you to trust in me, to give me the same faith as I have given you. Please, Dean. Don't make that deal. Don't let me comeback and resent you the way you resented John. Don't make our son have to witness his parents leaving him constantly." Haley's heart poured with tears as she prayed Dean wouldn't damage her or Jamie the way John had. "Please, I can't take it...please." Tears flowed like a waterfall from Haley's worn eyes, sending Dean hurling towards her. His rough hand landed gently on her head, fingers twisting in her hair. His upper body hovered over hers as he pressed his forehead to Haley's. Dean's free hand cupped her cheek, he could feel her weak body trembling as she wept. The needy kisses he placed on her head only made Haley whimper more.
Unable to hear his wife crying anymore, Dean finally let Haley go. "…Okay…" He numbly replied as the suffering came running down his cheeks in damp trails. It was undoubtedly the hardest thing to ever say, to ever do. Out of everything that he has experienced, knew he would experience, he never thought he'd have to let the only woman he ever truly loved go, once and for all. The aching Dean felt was unimaginable; it dug deeper than his core, if such were possible.
"I love you, Dean Winchester." Haley's soft voice stated with all of her heart supporting it. Her fragile strength shinned in her tone and on her face.
Dean inhaled deeply, trying to sort through his tears and the suffocating lump stuck in the middle of his throat. His head lifted up just enough so he could look into her eyes. He savored staring into them, knowing that he wouldn't be able to see these gorgeous ovals that brought him to life each time he looked into them, much longer. Dean craved nothing more than to sell his soul so that Haley might live. But as much as he longed to do that, he knew deep down Haley was right. She was right about everything. He remembered how he felt following his father's deal, and how he still feels every day. As much as he wanted Haley to be by his side for the rest of his life, he never wanted her to look at him the distorted way he looked at John.
"I've always you loved, Haley James-Winchester. Nothing is ever going to change that." Dean's words were emphasized and fervent. No amount of time, no amount of alcohol or women will ever fill the empty hole welling in Dean's heart and he knew it. Haley knew his fears too. How in the moment he promised not to bring her back, Dean feared he'd take it out on Jamie because this promise in a big part was for him.
Haley felt the need to remind him of a promise he had made to her years ago, to remind him of the man she grew to love, and the father she knew he could always be. "I have something for you." Haley's voice was practically a long sigh now. Her eyes even barely remained open.
"What's that"? Dean asked curiously. He was happy that the topic had taken a slight turn away. Haley found the strength from within to rummage through an old decorative box that was on the nightstand by her bed. Haley's shaky and fragile hands cupped an old baseball that herself and Dean signed the day Jamie was born. Haley carefully handed it to Dean who gently took it. Dean spent a few minutes just staring at the ball in his hand remembering that day in Lawrence when he made that first promise to Haley on the bleachers to return home and play catch with their son one day. A whole, complete smile swept across his face as the day of hope and wonder reminded him what the point was to it all.
Just as Dean's wondrous eyes and blinding smile glanced over at Haley he saw her monitor's lines going down and straightening out into a single line. The constant loud noise to alert everyone that Haley was flat-lining scorched Dean's ears. His mind went blank and mouth dropped as his eyes stayed glued to Haley's motionless and limp body. In the moment the numbers on the monitor turned into a single zero, Dean's heart momentarily did to. The only thing that snapped him out of his manic state was the heartbreaking sound of his son screaming his mother's name, screaming for someone to help her, screaming to God to let her wake up.
Round my hometown, memories are fresh
Round my hometown, ooh, the people I've met
"Dad, I made it! I made the team!" A young boy exclaimed with excitement. Dean's eyes blinked rapidly as he snapped back into reality. His eyes studied the comforting sight of his son jumping up and down happily. His short sandy-blonde hair blew with the wind he was creating. Jamie's childish smile lowered the volume on the aching in Dean's chest.
"I saw. That's really great, Jamie." Dean offered his son a sincere smile, one that showed him that he was proud of him. Dean's bones crunched as he sat up from the rusted, old, dirtied bleachers that were forever painted with the strong, vibrant memory of his wife in all her glory and heart.
Jamie's smile died down slowly as his father reached his side. Jamie shyly looked up to the man he considered his superhero. "Hey, dad...can we play? You know, just you and me, without my friends?" Jamie quickly looked down after asking. He was afraid that Dean was going to reject him and continue to be distant. Since arriving back in Kansas Dean had been distant from Jamie, Jamie tried to get his father active and to spend time with him, but Dean persisted on straying from his son. That sent off alarms in Jamie's head and made him wonder and fear if he had done something wrong, something to make his dad angry or upset with him. He felt his request to play catch with his dad was a selfish thing, because it was something he wanted to do so badly for himself, but one that might help Dean heal his wounds.
Upon hearing his son's request a surprising piece inside of his heart was filled. Dean thought that part of him would never be filled, that he would be half empty for the rest of his life. But Jamie's need to spend time with his dad stopped the emptiness inside of him and replaced the darkness with a glimmering ray of optimism. As he felt a huge smile building inside of him Dean bit the bottom of his lip and placed his hand down on his son's shoulder, just as John used to. Gazing into Jamie's big, bright eyes, the smile escaped his hold and captured his face. "Sounds perfect to me." Dean replied as he felt the pain washing away and knowing that his love, his wife, his Haley was watching from above and smiling affectionately with pride as she felt her boys sharing a moment they desperately craved.
Are the wonders of my world, are the wonders of my world
Are the wonders of this world, are the wonders of my world