Summary:My thoughts on why Bellatrix was the way she was. Title of the story came about when listening to Golem's Song (LoTR: TT) by Emiliana Torrini. The song actually inspired me to write this one-shot.
I can remember when I first received my wand from Ollivander's shoppe, he had eyed me suspiciously as my wand chose me; saying something about it being unyeilding. I ignored it of course... who cared what he thought, as my father said he allowed mudbloods to get wands from there as well. I had heard that word mentioned several times before that day, it was uttered at times when mother and father would talk to their friends, who came round for dinner on the weekends. It didn't mean much to me back then as it does now, back then I was just excited to have my own wand.
When I was sorted into Slytherin, my parents were so proud... I don't know why though, because they had told me if I was sorted into any other House I would be disowned. So I pleaded with the Sorting Hat to place me into Slytherin, when it was so hard up to want to place me in Ravenclaw. Once it finally gave into my requests, I felt once again that I had done my parents proud. The first time I felt that way was when I saw a child at the platform of nine and three-quarters pass by talking about her parents being muggles... I secretly set her robe on fire. My father was the only one who had noticed out of everyone on that crowded platform; instead of punishing me, he ruffled my hair and said 'That's my girl.' I positively beamed because of the affection he had bestowed upon me. That was the first time I remember actually doing something right by him. Two days afterwards, I had received an owl from mother telling me that father had told her what happened... she said she was going to tell all her friends how proud her daughter had made her.
My first year at Hogwarts went was over and done without a hitch. I received full marks in all my classes, which made my parents very happy yet again. My second and third year, played out just as beautifully as my first... I was shaping out to be the perfect daughter my parents wanted me to be.
Fourth year, however, added a little extra on my plate. Andromeda was in her first year, so not only did I have to take care of my responsibilities and class assignments, I had to ensure that she was not getting into trouble nor was she slacking in her own studies. Amazingly, I was successful with all my added obligations that had came along with having a sibling in the same school.
Things grew more difficult when sixth year came round and Narcissa started her first year. Not only did I have to watch out for both sisters, Andromeda was older now so therefore becoming a bit unruly as she hit her teenage years. I was to report back to mother and father if I noticed even the slightest drop in her behaviour, being from the great and noble house of Black required all of us to maintain a certain air of dignity and grace. That form of dignity and grace did not come about by spending time with muggle-borns, a pastime that dear Andy loved to partake in. I would plead with her, just like I did with the Sorting Hat, not to spend time with that Ted Tonks fellow. Of course, she did not listen. It hurt me when I had to tell mother and father about what she was doing... I think that is what caused us to drift apart like we did.
Cissy, on the other hand was a bit easier to manage. She had never once raised her voice in objection to anything my father or mother said to her. She was like me- the perfect daughter. Whereas Andromeda was the so-called rebel of the family. Much like our cousin Sirius, who was often seen spending time with that Half-breed mongrel, Remus Lupin, and that blood-traitor, James Potter. I thought my dear aunt would have died of embarrassment when she found out. When he ran away at sixteen, she blasted him off the tapestry in her drawing room with her wand.
Sure, I wasn't exactly the perfect daughter my parents wanted me to be, but they never found out that I despised their arranged marriage proposals to the elite pure-blood male heirs. I only wanted one person in my life- but it was the one person I could never have... especially since our joining would never produce an heir. Also the fact that she was muggle-born would have caused me to be disowned- and I rather liked the fact that I could see my name on the tapestry of my aunt's house at Grimauld Place. But what made me shameful of my feelings for this woman was the fact that I wasn't the only one who was vying for her affections- that blood-traitor Potter was as well.
At night I would sneak into the Gryffindor girls' dormitories to meet her, those beautiful eyes would beg me to stay the whole night. So I did, only to leave before her dorm mates spotted us. During the day, however, she spent her time with the other girls from Gryffindor. Which didn't bother me at all, until that Potter boy would come about her. Whenever I saw him I cringed. Every time he touched her hair or her arm I could see the suffering and pleading in her eyes for him to stop.
One day I couldn't take it anymore, so after dinner in the Great Hall I told James that Lily would like to see him by the Black Lake at midnight. He positively beamed at the thought that she wanted to have something to do with him. Swallowing the bile that had built in my throat, I just grinned and told him not to forget... midnight. He nodded his head and followed my cousin back to their tower.
When he got to the Black Lake however, she was not waiting for him. I sat in the dark on a fallen log, waiting for him to show. The minutes crept by with him pacing back and forth in front of my hidden spot, waiting for her to come. Finally when he decided that he had been stood up, I move from out of the darkness and struck. That was the first time I had ever used the Cruciatus curse. It was like nothing I had ever felt before, except for what I had felt for her.
He writhed in agony on the ground by my feet for what felt like an eternity, his eyes begging me to stop and pleading with me on what had he ever done to deserve this. The only answer I gave was that he was to stop bothering her. Stop torturing her with his touch. She had despised him ever since she became a Gryffindor because that is not where she belonged. I ended his torture after I had spoke, allowing him to catch his breath and to let my words sink into his thick skull. It must have worked because I saw the light of understanding behind his eyes before he left to stumble back to his room. Smirking to myself, I stayed out by the lake, which shared my last name, the whole night; waking to the feeling of the warm sunlight of the breaking dawn.
Brushing the needles of pine off my robes, I walked back to the castle to await the end of the year feast; where yet again Sytherin house had won the house cup. Once entering the Great Hall my happiness was short lived when I looked into the eyes of my beloved. I have seen that look before, my father had Imperiused many people before, so I knew that he, that Potter boy, had stole her away from me. The look she gave him almost made me want to vomit, it was the look of complete adoration. I stormed back out of the castle and out to the Forbidden Forest. Feeling that I was absolutely alone in the forest, I screamed. I screamed until I felt my vocal chords bleed and my head swam from like of oxygen. I felt somewhat better, not much but the pain I had put myself in took away some of the anguish I felt residing in my heart.
I hated myself for ever thinking that cursing him would have caused him to back away from her. No matter how much I wanted to cry at that moment, the tears would never fall. My heart shattered into a million pieces there in the forest that day and I vowed that I would never allow it to happen again.
That was my final year at Hogwarts, that summer I joined the Dark Lord and agreed to marry that pig, Rudolphus Lestrange. We never conssumated the marriage for he was as I was, forever fated to love his own gender. In that way I was glad to have married him instead of one of the many others my mother had planned out for me. He would go off to get his fill on his sexual needs; while I would pace about the study plotting ways on how to destroy James Potter.
The day finally came when the Dark Lord heard of a prophecy that foretold a child would be born that could one day destroy him, he automatically assumed his greatest enemies were the Potters. I tried to warn her to keep her safe but with the Fidelius Charm around their home I could never find her in time.
I didn't care about him or their child, for I was sure his darker features would obscure her beautiful, fairer ones.
News came of their deaths and with the apparent death of the Dark Lord, that was the second time I needed to cry but could not. I hated myself for following the man who killed my love- why couldn't he have just killed that blood-traitor and the baby, but leave her to me? The tears never fell out into the open... they felt as if they turned inward, drowning me from the inside out. The pain was so intense I had to find an outlet, the release being the Longbottom family. Oh how it felt to curse them until they went mental; their outward pain described my inward. They ended up in St. Mungo's. I ended in Azkaban.
Fourteen years in that place... it felt like an eternity before the Dark Lord regained his power. I had to relive the moment that I had found out she had been Imperiused over and over again, until I was nothing and felt nothing but hatred for the child that lived. To keep the favour of the Dark Lord, I made it seem as if I hated the boy for what he had done to Him.
It pained me to see the boy the first time in the Department of Mysteries... I was right about his features, but why (for Merlin's sake!) did he have to have her eyes? Eyes so green and beautiful, that my first coherent thought was of her. I wanted so much to destroy him that night, but I knew if I did the Dark Lord's punishment would be severe. The worst thing about it also, was his friends... that little mudblood, reminded me so much of her as well. The intelligence that you could see swimming behind her eyes. I knew the moment I laid eyes on her, that she was something else... arrogant, not because she wanted to be but because she could be. Her brilliance could be felt miles away.
I couldn't stand it... that is why I tortured her at Cissy and Lucius's manor. She just reminded me so much of Her.
I know I should have left with Cissy and Draco when I had the chance after the Dark Lord was once again defeated, but I couldn't. I stayed and fought because I knew no matter how hard I tried, there was nothing that could take thoughts of her out of my mind.
So when that blood-traitor Weasley woman struck me with that final blow, a tear finally escaped my eyes. My final thought... 'I am finally going to see Lily.'