Summary: Just one of the many ways the Jaqobis brothers "growing up" could look like.
Warning for triggers: child abuse, drug abuse.
Until It Crashes Later
D'avin is seven when his mother falls ill for the first time. She cries all night, has a headache and shivers. He tries to cover her as best he can, with his arms that don't reach around her all the way. He remembers what she does when he's sick and he tries to do the same. He even offers her his blankie.
In the middle of the night Johnny starts to cry and D'av has to go and tell him to "shut the fuck up". He doesn't know what this word, "fuck" means, but Dad sometimes uses it and then they all do as he says. Johnny whines a little, but D'avin gives him a glass of water and the three-years-old curls on his side and falls asleep. Mom doesn't.
In the morning she gets up and readies herself for work. D'avin tries to tell her that she doesn't have to and that he will take care of everything and she touches his cheek and whispers, "My sweet boy." Her hand is clammy and her eyes shine. She tells him to take Johnny to daycare and to go to school and to pick his brother after. They return home early, D'avin with a strong resolution to at least prepare a dinner, so Mom doesn't have to, but he has no idea how to turn dirty, rock-hard bulbs into sweet yellow mush they usually eat.
Mom comes back smiling, almost floating. D'avin is relieved until he sees her eyes - hazy, absent. He had seen them like this once before and felt like she was not-quite-herself then. He knows he and Johnny will end up eatting bread and apples for dinner that day and he promises himself that next time Mom makes mashed potatoes, he will watch her do it.
By the time he's ten, D'avin knows that Mom is sick and how to get her medication. He knows how to do shopping, how to cook dinner and what to get Johnny for breakfast and he helps Johnny with homework, when Mom doesn't feel well enough to do it. Johnny of course would rather watch the ships leave the cosmodrom than practice reading and addition, but D'avin always knows where to find him and how to bring him home. Sometimes it involves screaming and threats of a beatting, but most of the times John listens before he actually gets hit. D'avin would like to learn how Mom does it, that John obeys her even though she never yells.
All of that doesn't happen often though, only a couple of times in a month. Other times they eat great food and sometimes Dad even takes them for ice-cream downtown. It's when he's in a good mood, because his investments had a good turn-out. He buys them presents then and promises that one day he will earn enough so they will all move to a better district and Mom will not have to work at all. And she will maybe get a cure for her disease. Then they both get that sad look in their eyes and D'avin knows that she will never really get healthy. He is big enough to understand it.
Such days, with ice-cream and promises, become more and more rare as the boys get older. Dad says that he has to put all turn-outs into his next investments, only then, eventually, it will bring a fortune. He tells Mom to give him her money too and once, when she refuses, he hits her.
Mom hides her money around the house. She gives Dad some, so he's not mad at her, but she has a hidden stash and D'avin knows where it is. In case she gets sick and he has to take care of John and himself and to buy her medication. He doesn't understand why this medication is so expensive and why it's so hard to get it. And why he has to hide from the guards when he gets home, a small pouch weighing in his pocket. People say it's illegal, it's a drug, call Mom a junkie and D'avin hates those words. But he hates when she's sick more, so he covers his ears and ignores those people.
Johnny is the best thing in his life. He's still stubborn and he tends to run away to the shipyard, where he plays with other boys, but D'avin doesn't have to yell at him anymore and Johnny really helps at home. The way he smiles and jokes, it makes even Dad calm down when he gets home after an upsetting day. Everybody likes John, Miss Hardy at school and the neighbors. Penelope in the corner store always gives him some sweets and Johnny always shares them with D'avin. Always fair and square - even the smallest candy is cut in half.
Sometimes when John is not at home and Dad's investments fail, there is no one to get him to calm down - and that's when things get bad. Somehow Dad found out that Mom was hiding money and that D'avin knows where it is. "You get her those drugs! How, if you have no money? Of course you have it! Where is it?" Dad has never hit them, not hard anyway. Sometimes, when they were too annoying, some occasional smack happened. But then, that day when Dad saw D'avin return home with a pouch of illegal herbs, he tore him one, so D'avin couldn't breathe without pain for the next week. He revealed Mom's stash to Dad then and they had to live off leftovers from the dinery down the street until her next payment. She was really mad at D'avin then and afterwards she got really, really sick, because she couldn't afford any more medication.
D'avin is certain Dad would never hit Johnny. Still, he tries to keep John away from home, send him to buy groceries or to the washhouse - whenever he hears Dad's voice outside and recognizes the angry tones in it. Until one day Johnny refuses to leave.
Of course Dad wants to know where money is and D'avin swore that he would never tell again, no matter how hard Dad hit. They've been playing this game long enough that Dad knows he's not going to get what he wants - and he doesn't really want to hurt his son, D'avin knows that too - so it usually ends in one punch or two. Except that day. D'avin tries to position himself away from John - eight years old John, who watches the scene, his eyes wide open - and to drive Dad's attention away from his kid brother, when that kid brother starts to talk, tries to release the atmosphere, the way he always does, but not today, John, not when Dad's like this, D'avin tries to tell him with his eyes, without words.
It's too late. Dad has noticed. He turns toward John and D'avin steps between them. He shouldn't have. Perhaps if he hadn't, John would have found the way to disarm Dad's anger. For sure, if he hadn't, Dad wouldn't know how to get to him, to D'avin. Dad pushes D'av away and charges at John and D'avin screams, "Money is in the cupboard, under the big plates!"
Dad doesn't hit John.
The boys have to devise a plan. D'avin hates that he has to drag his little, eight years old brother into this, but then he remembers that he was about the same age when he started helping Mom, so maybe it's only fair that John does too? They make more stashes - and Johnny is really creative about it as they brainstorm, but then D'avin tells him that he may only know about one of them and that there always must be some money in it. All the others - Johnny would have to figure out different ones and he may never, ever, tell D'avin where they are. So, when Dad threatens John again, they would play that game and D'avin would reveal the only stash he knows about. "But," D'avin says, "this cannot happen to often. From now on, I say leave - you leave."
"But then he will hit you."
"I can handle that." It wasn't happening all that often anyway, only a couple of times in a month.
Their plan works for almost three years. Then, one day when D'avin is fifteen and John eleven, Dad disappears. Mom worries, but boys are happy, because for the first time in years, it is quiet. John keeps drawing spaceships and D'avin dreams about becoming a superhero, like Captain Apex. He falls in love for the first time then, too and since the girl he likes is into comic books, he brings her a rare edition. It's the one John got from Dad a few years ago, when Dad was still bringing them presents and it's the first time the brothers argue really bad. So bad in fact, that John doesn't speak to D'avin for three days - that is until Dad unexpectedly returns.
They have no choice but to start talking again then, but D'avin knows that he is not forgiven.
Johnny spends more and more time away from home. He goes with the guys to the junkyard every day after school - the only exeption being days when Mom gets sick. Then he stays with her, holds her hand, tells her stories, changes wet towels on her head. Drugs are harder and harder to get and she needs larger and larger doses. At this point D'avin already knows this shit is bad and even though he still calls this - illness - for John's sake, he knows Mom is not really ill. She's an addict. A junkie. He still hates the word.
He wishes he had friends like John, but he's not a friendly type. He's irritative, closed off, he disregards other people's feelings - one girl he tried to date, not his first love, another one, told him that. It's even worse with the guys - all they think about is how to have fun, score girls, they drink alcohol and D'avin knows that drinking is the first step to getting hooked on something stronger, so all he ever does is spoil their fun. They don't invite him to their parties anymore. D'avin watches John closely and worries what will happen when his little brother will enter this age, when boys start to abuse alcohol and drugs. Will he be able to resist? When he tries to have a talk with John about it, John punches him, hard, and seethes, "You really think I am that stupid?"
Johnny apologizes later. He says it hurt so much to not have D'avin's trust in his common sense. That's when they finally make up after D'avin's mishap with the comic book. That's when they realize that their trust in each other is worth more than any material things.
When D'avin turns seventeen Mom doesn't work anymore. She's weak, but at least D'av doesn't have to take care of her - that job has befallen Johnny sometime along the way and he's great at it. They share responsibilities, D'av gets a job in the weapons factory and Johnny takes care of the house. And he learns. He learns a lot, reads all the books, nobody has to yell at him to do really advanced maths calculations. They have a deal, they managed to save some money and they will save more and send Johnny to school. He's the one better suited to get decent education and when he becomes an engineer, he will find a way to get D'av out of this hell-hole. Neither of them says it, but they are sure that by the time John finishes school, Mom will die already.
Education is a better investment than anything Dad has ever thought about, but his ideas are still a burden on the boys. Sometimes they have to help him pay his debts. Sometimes he tells them he's sorry and he doesn't get involved in anything new for months, but sooner or later, some tempting offer always appears on the horizon and he promises that this time, that this one, that this is going to be their big break, finally. He disappears for days and the boys know they will have to break the savings and pay his debts again.
It's never enough. Some days D'avin fears that they will never have enough to make sure at least one of them gets out of here. Debts are getting bigger, Mom is getting sicker, time is running out. Johnny still has too many years before he will be able to go to school. What if they run out of chances before he is of the right age?
One day, shortly after his eighteen birthday, D'avin makes a decision. The army is hiring. And they pay decent money. He is going to send all of it home, he promises, or put in on a savings account Dad and his debtors will not know about. Johnny is against the idea. He thinks they should stick together, that they will be safer together, but D'avin can't take it any more. He can't watch Mom waste away and he can't listen to Dad's hundredth idea for a better future. He packs his things and he leaves at night, against Johnny's wishes, like a coward.
He keeps his promise, he sends all the money home - has food, his uniform and a bed with his unit, he doesn't need anything beyond that. But it's not enough. Dad gets into an investment that swallows all of their savings, including money D'avin sent home and even that is too little. John begs D'avin to come back home. It's almost John's sixteenth birthday. He could go to school now, if he could afford it.
D'avin promises himself - he would never tell that to Johnny, he would sound too much like their father - but he promises himself that he will come back home with enough for John to get away, to even take their mother with them and leave Dad behind and just disappear from his life. He knows about something that might just be their Hail Mary.
The secret project Crysalis pays a lot. An unbelievable lot. D'avin is good at what he does, he's one of the best soldiers in his unit, goes up through the ranks fast. He has been noticed by his superiors, this is the reason the name of the project was dropped around him. He asks around and not longer than a week later he's meeting with the colonels and doctors and everything is explained to him. There's a lot of unfamiliar lingo, what he understands is that they will enchance some of his brain functions and that there are procedures to ensure there are no unexpected side-effects.
The message that gets to him loud and clear, is the ammount of money they are going to pay him if he participates in this project. D'avin signs all the documents, proud and happy that he will finally be able to fulfill his and his brother's dream.
He doesn't read the small print that says the secret nature of the project requires all memories of the signing be erased after completion of the procedure. Afterwards all he has left is a feeling that he had tried something big and failed. That he became exactly like their father.
Shame keeps him from seeing Johnny for the next eight years.
.end