In the days since Cullen had confessed to her some of what happened at Kinloch Hold, Adia's visits had become brief, perfunctory; no more intimate murmurs behind his desk, no more kisses in the bright sunlight on the battlements.
It came as no surprise. She clearly felt uncomfortable around him. He wanted to tell her that she didn't have to come, that she could send a messenger, that he didn't blame her...but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Selfish as it was, painful as it was, he still wanted to see her, to hear her voice.
She would be leaving soon, he knew, for Emprise du Lion. It was not a long journey, but the situation in the Emprise was such that she'd be gone a while. He wondered if she'd even say goodbye first.
Papers rustled behind him, startling him away from the window.
Cole stood near the desk.
"Maker! Cole, what are you -"
"She sees inside now, the jagged, broken bits, shards of darkness, the cold, whispering pain of dreams that never go away, not even in the sunlight. She's afraid."
Cullen's shoulders sagged. "She should be," he said raggedly, some part of him relieved to know that she would keep her distance, that he wouldn't ruin her as he had ruined so much.
The feather-light grip of Cole's hand on his arm startled him again.
"She's afraid you won't let her in. She wants it all, the light and the shadows both. A hurt that magic can't heal, but she has something else. If only you'd look at her again."
Cullen sat on the edge of his desk. "I...thank you, Cole."
But the boy was already gone.
In the morning, he went to the dining hall. There was always a big breakfast before an excursion; Cullen never went, but he knew. He stood awkwardly in the doorway, arms crossed over his chest, scanning the room.
"You just missed her, Curly. Unless you want to pretend you're not here looking for Her Inquisitorialness."
Cullen glared at Varric, but his ears turned pink.
"She went to her quarters to suit up."
"Thank you, Varric," he said stiffly, ducking out the door.
The Inquisitor's quarters were located at the top of Skyhold's highest tower, and by the time he reached her door, he was nearly out of breath. Rapping loudly on the door before letting himself in, he took a deep breath and called her name.
Her head poked over the railing above him, her chestnut hair falling around her face. "Cullen?"
"I, uh…" He looked up at her, rubbing the back of her neck.
"Come on up," she urged, coming around to meet him at the top of the stairs. She was dressed in her under-armour and vest, her scarf and coat draped over the arm of her small sofa.
"I wasn't -" he began, and sighed. "I wanted to see you. Before you left." When she stepped close, he reached for her, and when she slipped easily into his embrace it felt like coming home.
"You would have," she assured him, smiling, "but I'm glad you came."
Cupping her face in one hand, he kissed her. Without his armor between them she was warm and soft and he pulled her even closer. The heat of her hands through his thin cotton shirt seared his breath away, and when his fingers tightened in her hair she sighed softly into his mouth.
They were interrupted by a booming voice from below. "Hey boss, you coming?"
Adia groaned and pulled away. "Be right down, Bull." She turned back to Cullen, her cheeks flushed, and sighed. "No rest for the wicked?"
Maker, but she was beautiful. He laughed and pressed his forehead to hers. "So they say." Reluctantly, he released her. "May I walk with you?"
She smiled and nodded as she finished dressing. "I hear it's very cold in the Emprise," she sighed, wrapping a wide silk scarf around her neck. "I'll hit the bastards twice as hard for dragging me out in the snow."
Grinning as she took his arm, Cullen escorted her down the stairs.
"You'll have to visit me again, since I know you know the way," she teased.
"I don't know. It's an awful lot of stairs."
Laughing, she kissed him again.
There was much to say, but not now. "Come see me? When you return, I mean?"
She stroked his cheek with one delicate hand. "Always."