…made with Korean black fermented garlic, comes with a side of black-eyed peas and kimchee. The Winchesters investigate rumours of cannibalism at Bob's Burgers. The rumour is false, but it's source is a real problem...
"I forgot what I was going to say," blared the boy in the burger costume through his bullhorn to the two tall men who emerged from the Impala. He pressed the fart-sound button and held out his sample tray.
Dean reached for one and Sam gently slapped his hand away, scolding him "Dude!"
"Oh yeah," said Dean. "Thanks anyway, kid." He followed his brother inside.
"Hi, I'm Special Agent Smalls, this is Special Agent Shakur," began Sam, showing Bob Belcher his fake FBI badge. "We're investigating reports that you've been serving human remains in your burgers patties."
"Ugh god," replied the weary, moustachioed chef. "That's just a rumour my lunatic daughter made up."
"Oh hello!" said the nasal, sing-song voice of a woman with red cat's eye glasses as she emerged from the back room holding napkins. "Look at you two, y'so tall. 'Specially you," she said to Sam. "Y'like the Empire State Building. Can I be King Kong?" Linda snort-laughed at her own joke.
"Lin, these men are federal agents."
"Oh, I'm so sorry. What brings you here, officers?"
"An adventurous foodies' blog," replied Dean. "They mentioned that they visited here in January of 2011 and dined on the long pig."
"Did we get a good review, at least?" asked Linda.
"Yeah, actually you got a great review. They raved about your canni-burgers."
"There ya go, Bobby. There's no such thing as bad press."
"They're not canni-burgers," objected Bob. "Look I can clear this up in five minutes. Just let me dig up the Health Inspector's report. They tested for human flesh specifically."
"In the meantime, why don't you stay for lunch? Do you like burgers?"
"More than life itself," replied Dean immediately.
"What's the 'I "Alfredo" No Ghost' Burger?" asked Sam, peering at the chalkboard.
"Burger of the Day!" explained Linda merrily. "The patty's got pine nuts in it, it's got alfredo sauce on top and it comes with arugula salad."
"I'll have that, sounds good," said Sam.
"No it doesn't," said Dean. "I'll just have a bacon cheeseburger with onion rings, please."
"Ah, a purist," replied Linda knowingly. "Grab a booth and I'll be out with y'food in a few minutes."
The brothers sat down, Sam facing the window and Dean facing the washrooms.
"Hi my name's Tina do you like horses what would you like to drink?" said a bespectacled teenaged girl all in one breath, startling Dean. Sam smiled.
"Um, we already ordered," said Dean.
"Just water for me. And what are you having, beer?" asked Sam.
Dean nodded and Tina jotted down some notes.
Bob came up the stairs proudly holding a piece of paper. "Found it! 'While I do not care for Bob or his burgers, they do not contain any human remains.' Signed Hugo Whatever-that-says."
"Why did they test specifically for human flesh?" asked Sam.
"Here're your burgers!" exclaimed Linda as she sashayed over with the tray.
"The Health Inspector has a history with my wife," answered Bob. "He's vindictive."
"Y'see, I dyed the alfredo sauce green with food colouring so it would look like ectoplasm," continued Linda. "Huh?"
"Ectoplasm is black."
"No it isn't."
"Turns out that Mister HoneyBunny is a whole line of stuffed animals," Louise told Gene in front of Bob's Burgers. "They don't make very good hostages if you can just run out and buy a new one." She looked at the Impala. "Whose car is this?"
"Two vegetarian guys in there talking to dad," replied Gene.
"They told you they were vegetarian?"
"They refused burger samples. Who does that? Even seagulls love dad's burgers!"
"They're not vegetarian. Look at that one guy chow down."
"Oh my god," said Dean with his mouth stuffed like a hamster. "This is amazing. It puts those ones that Oprah's girlfriend recommended to shame."
"Y'hear that Bob?" asked Linda, swatting her husband triumphantly.
"I'm serious," Dean continued "this burger is freaking sublime. I've had them from coast to coast, literally hundreds…" He turned to Tina. "Why the hell would you go around telling people they're made of corpses?"
"Uhhhhhhh," Tina groaned at the elder brother, completely lost for words. Dean waved his hand in front of her face, and looked at Sam quizzically. As soon as he broke eye contact, Tina found her tongue again. "That wasn't me, it was Louise."
"Wow, Louise, you're as good at picking locks as I am at picking other things." Gene told his sister as she rummaged through the Impala's glove compartment. "We should exchange notes."
"These guys have so many road maps. And one really hardcore scrapbook-dayplanner," she said pulling out John Winchester's journal. She opened it and flipped through it. "They're obviously insane, but at least they're organized."
"My diary is my music. It's not yet ready for the written page."
"Holy crap!" said Louise. "I think this is a ritual to summon…something to sell your soul."
"What would you buy with it? I'd buy three more souls. I could be Jekyll and Hyde and Gene!"
"I've only ever dabbled in crime before, never the black arts. This is a whole new world." Louise started to hyperventilate. "Gene, imagine if you could write an infinity letter to Santa and you'd get everything on it?"
"If I were Santa, I'd ask for infinity presents. Because then you'd be off the hook. Maybe he already did! Mystery solved!"
"Gene! Stall those guys! I have to try this out."
"If you like my burgers so much, maybe you could write me a good review on Yelp," said Bob hopefully. "I can always use some encouraging words."
"So here they are," said Gene walking in. "The guys who only eat full-sized burgers. Too good for samples, eh? Not one for a handout? Of course, why get the cow for free, when you can buy the milk with sex?"
"Hey, you handed them all out. Need me to make more?" asked Bob. "Wait, you were telling people 'one per customer', right?"
"I tried to enforce your policy dad, but the seagulls were really pushy today."
"Ugh god," began Bob.
"You can't give these to seagulls!" said Dean.
Sam craned his neck. "Dean, did you remember to lock the Impala?"
"'Course," he replied, turning toward the window. He heard the car door slam and saw some pink bunny ears run off to the side. "Son of a bitch!" He dashed to the exit.
"Can you say that again?" called Gene as Sam paid Linda for lunch. "I want to sample it."
Louise locked herself in her room and looked at the instructions in the journal. She already had everything required, it turned out, so she performed the spell.
"Who summons me, and for what purpose?" asked a red-eyed young man in a plain black t-shirt and pants.
"Here's the deal," replied Louise nonchalantly. "I will make a list of demands, then we talk price."
"Well, she didn't slash your tires," said Sam.
"I am sorry, Agent. Louise is… she's a handful," said Bob.
"D'you want me to pack your lunch into Styrofoam?"
"Please," snapped Dean. "What's missing?" he asked his brother, who was looking through the trunk.
"Nothing from the trunk," Sam replied.
Dean cracked the glove compartment and grunted angrily. "She's got dad's journal."
"Isn't that box supposed to be full of gloves?" asked Gene.
Louise sat on her bed while the crossroads demon read the multiple pages of her construction paper wish list. "Define 'a significant portion of the Eastern seaboard'."
"75% or more, but I would settle for the entirety of New England," replied the 9-year-old. "Originally I was going to ask for a bunch of things that would help me seize the East coast but then I figured, why not just cut to the chase?"
"I think it's just darling the way you start your list here with "Dear Santa". Or is that a typo?"
"That fat bastard has been holding out on me. Good to know that he's not the only game in town."
" '73 pounds of saltpetre'?" asked the demon.
"That's right," replied Louise. "Not 72 pounds, not 74 pounds. 73."
"What do you need it for?"
"Are you a cop? That information is on a strictly need-to-know basis. I know my rights. Do we have a deal or not?"
"I don't know," replied the demon. "This is a pretty ambitious lost. 'A 30% shareholder stake in Microsoft, Monsanto, Viacom and GlaxxoSmithKline'?"
"That's not an 'and' it's an 'or'. I'd be happy with any one of those, but the 30% stake in Kuchi Copie is non-negotiable."
"You know Miss Belcher, our records show that your soul is far less than pristine. We're not even entirely sure that it's in your possession anymore."
"That's ridiculous," countered Louise with a self-assured chuckle. "Vicious lies and rumours. Who have you been talking to?"
"Tell you what, kiddo," continued the demon. "even if your soul were on the table, we both know it's not the source of your power." He waved the construction paper in the air. "But don't worry, everything you want can still be yours for the low, low price of… your ears."
"WHAT?!"
Climbing the stairs from the restaurant to the apartment, Dean and Sam could hear Louise's shrill voice pierce all the way through the wall. They could only make out the word "what" before the rest of her yelling became indistinct. It was clear enough that the debate raging in her room was both passionate and one-sided.
"Who's got the key to this room?" asked Sam upon being met with Louise's locked door.
"Louise does," answered Bob.
"At last count she's got six locks," added Tina. "All on her side."
"It's been so long since she let me in there, I can't even remember whether she's got hardwood or carpeting," said Linda.
"If she's anything like me, she should go with hardwood," chimed in Gene. "It's much easier to clean up pet stains."
Dean knocked loudly. "Louise, open up." He rammed the door with his shoulder.
"I know that voice," said the demon. "Alright kid, do we have a deal? Give us a kiss."
"Hell no!" blurted Louise. "You deal in souls, not children's hats."
"You're telling me you'd rather have your ears than…" he looked at her list, "…telekinesis and a recording studio?"
"I don't even want the studio, it's for my brother."
"Well, I'm not leaving until I get paid, honey."
Just then, Dean broke through the door.
"You're gonna pay for that doorjamb, mister!" scolded Linda.
"Help! I don't know this guy!" bleated Louise. "Stranger danger! Bed intruder!"
Sam looked from John's open journal, to the candles and back to Louise sceptically.
"Winchesters," the demon snarled at the brothers.
"Exorcizo te, omnis spiritus in mundi…" began Sam. The demon lunged at him and was clocked in the mouth by Dean.
"Rrrgh, shut up, human!" spat the demon rubbing his jaw. He grabbed Louise's nightlight and chucked it at Sam. Dean swung at him again and the demon ducked. "I am so sick of being summoned by flipfloppers with cold feet! I am not losing this deal! My performance review is already in the toilet this month!"
Louise picked up John's journal and listened intently to Sam's incantation. She flipped through until she found the exorcism rite that he was reading. "Hey V-neck, are we doing the deprecatory exorcism or the imprecatory one?" she asked Sam. He didn't stop the recitation, just glanced at her and held up 2 fingers.
The demon threw a dresser drawer at Sam, that connected with his solar plexus, knocking the wind out of him. Louise continued from where Sam left off, reading the Latin from the journal with impeccable pronunciation.
"Per eumdum Christum Dominum," she continued.
The demon turned and goggled at the girl in the hat. Dean swiftly put him in a full-Nelson and Louise finished with the word "adinos".
The crossroads demon exploded in a huge plume of red smoke, which streamed out the vents in purposeful rivulets.
"Oh my god!" blurted Linda, grabbing Bob. "That guy was made of paprika?"
"There's so much about men I don't understand," said Tina thoughtfully.
"When it comes right down to it, aren't we all just made of paprika?" added Gene.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Dean snapped at Louise, reaching to grab her by the arms. She pirouetted out of the way and smacked into Sam, who was in the process of getting to his feet. He grabbed the ear of her hat and she yelped and froze, lest she pull it off. Sam felt like he had a rabbit by the ear.
"Louise, you give these two boys back their album of rememberies right now!" said Linda. "Are you boys really FBI? You seem more like wizards."
"There's no such thing as wizards, Lin. What's that smell, sulfur?" asked Bob.
"It smells like Gene's room," chimed in Tina.
"My room smells like methane, Tina," retorted Gene indignantly.
"Well?" Dean asked Louise again angrily.
"This is awkward. I don't usually get caught," she answered. "It's not my fault you left your car wide open."
"Try again," wheezed Sam. "He never forgets to lock it."
"How did you pick the lock, anyway?" asked Dean.
"It's easy enough to break into any American car manufactured between '62 and '78," said Louise. "I had a flat piece of metal in my backpack. It was child's play."
"Literally," added Tina.
"What were you looking for?" Dean snarled into Louise's face.
"Dean…" began Sam.
"Breath mints. But obviously you two are fresh out." She turned to Sam. "Let go of my ear, Beefsquatch."
Gene gasped. "You imposter!"
"Look what he did to the door, Bobby," said Linda mournfully contemplating Louise's six locks, which were ripped out of the frame.
"It's not that bad, Lin. All it needs is some Spackle. I'm sure Teddy could do it after work."
"Was I supposed to stay downstairs and watch the restaurant?" asked Tina.
"I'm so sorry my daughter broke into your car," Bob said to Sam, "then stole your magic book and raised a demon, and then kicked your brother in the shin."
"You need to keep an eye on her, Bobby," said Dean crossly, before catching himself. "I mean Bob. She's devious."
"I know. You should see her file at school," replied Bob with a shrug.
"I made you some thank-you burgers for the road," said Linda brightly, holding a white paper bag.
Dean's face lit up and he hugged Linda. "All is forgiven."
"Alright," sang Linda. "I could get used to this."
"Do me next," said Tina.
"Why do you have so much rock salt?" asked Louise, prying open the Impala's trunk.
"They must be from Minnesota," mused Gene.
"Get out of there!" said Sam irritably, stepping forward and slamming the trunk.
"Nice collection of fake IDs you got there," continued Louise. "Next time I have a fake felony to report to the fake FBI, I'll look you up. Can you give me some pointers to make one of my own?"
"Me too! I want to be Solange Knowles!" said Gene excitedly.
Sam splashed Louise with his holy water flask. She cringed, but didn't smoke. Conniving, but not demonic. "You're on notice, kid."
"Well it's not like there's an easier way to get the things on my wish list."
"The nice thing about having a trunk full of anti-monster weapons is that it doesn't leave much room for a stowaway," said Sam smugly.
"I don't take up much space," countered Louise, equally smugly.
"No room for a spare tire, either," remarked Gene.
"Are your tires enchanted against punctures?" Tina asked Dean.
"Oh crap," said Dean with dawning realization. "No, but they should be. Sammy, we should get going. We have somewhere to be."
"Wait! Before you leave…" Gene pulled out his keyboard and stuck the microphone in Dean's face. "Can you say 'son of a bitch' for me? It's for posterity."
Dean shrugged and leaned into the mic. "Son of a bitch!"
"Huh. It sounded better with a mouth full or burger."
BONUS: Other things on Louise's Wish List- Chinese, Australian and Swiss Passports
- A black and green Koosh ball
- A universal key AND swipe card
- Paris Hilton's address book
- A suit of armour