Loud bangs echoed through my room. I turn to the source of the sound to see Connor playing a most likely zombie video game. He came over today to hang out, but like usual we ended up doing different things. Annoyed at the loud gun shots I pause my game and turn to him.
"Could you turn that down." Making it more of a demand then a question. He replies with a simple grunt, as if he was shrugging off my demand. "Connor." I warn.
"Fine." He says. I watch as he pauses the game and turns down the volume. I hear him mutter, "Granny." Under his breath.
I open my mouth to say something but I decide against it and turn my game back on. That the thing about Connor. I feel like it's always going to be a challenge between who's the man in the relationship. Everyone just expects us to be something we're not. Everyone thought it was Connor who didn't want to be outed. That he was the one who wanted to keep us a secret. Connor's the man in the relationship because he can hit a ball, he likes to play violent video games and he's the one who can throw a punch to anyone he wants. I'm just so tired of being the one who takes place as the 'girl' in our relationship.
"Jude." Connor says, attention still on the video game. "I was thinking that we could go out tonight. To like a real restaurant. Just the two of us. No labels. Just Jude and Connor."
"Yeah I guess." I say with a shrug of my shoulders. We've been on dates before but not this serious. I made me nervous yet excited at the same time.
"Great. Good." Connor says a smile lingering on his face. "I'll pick you up at around seven."
A smile that I've tried to hide had appeared on my face. "Yeah." I said. "I'll tell my moms about it."
We stare at each other for a few minutes. Then Connor turns back to sitting on the ground with his blood fest on the large screen and me to the bed playing the racing game on my iPad. After a few minuted Connor gets up from the floor and sits beside me on the bed leg moving mine. "Can I see?" He asks.
I hand over the game and move in closer to him slowly as I watch him play. A small smile rest on both of our faces.
Connor left soon after to get dressed giving me time to myself to get ready. I look through my closet and grab a blue button up shirt. I put it on with a nice pair of pants. I straighten out all the wrinkles in my shirt. I nervously look in the mirror to make sure that I looked fine.
I hear a knock on the door and I turn to see Marianna standing at the doorway with a sly grin on her face. "Look at you!" She says as she walked in. "Hot date tonight?"
I look at her as she comes closer to me. "I'm just going out with Connor." I mumble under my breath. Marianna's face glows with excitement as she grabs my wrist and pulls me off into her room. "W-what are you doing?" I ask nervously. Once in her room she lets go of my wrist and goes to search in her bathroom for something. I hear her moving things around making me start to play with my fingers.
"Here it is." Marianna says as she reappears into her room with a box of nail polish. "How about we do something special to your nails tonight. I'm thinking orange would be a nice change."
I shake my head. "I don't like change."
"You know some change is for the better." Marianna says. I shrug my shoulders and look down to the floor. With the whole moving to and from foster homes it feels good to have some similarity in my life. "So we're sticking with blue?"
I nod. She goes to sit on her bed and she pats down the spot in front of her to signal me to come over. I do as commanded as she grabs my hands and opens the bottle. I take a deep breath loving the smell of nail polish.
"So how's it going with Connor?" She asks starting with a clear coat.
"We're fine."
"Just fine?" She asked with a raised eyebrow. Looking for something to talk about.
"We're fine." I repeat. "I mean great. We're great."
"What about the whole labels and everything.?" She asks, honestly curious.
"Well I'm just still getting used to the whole idea." I reply. "I just don't understand why everyone needs to know about my life. It's my life."
"Have you talked to Connor about this."
"Thats the thing! I have, a bunch of times. But when I did I ended up getting outed to the school without my permission and having tell everyone I'm gay or else Connor gets pissed off."
"It's hard for Connor too. With his father and all." Marianna says. I sigh, that's what everyone has been saying lately. "Done!"
"It's great." I mumble as I look down at the blue nail polish. A car honks outside so I turn to the door to leave. "Thats Connor. I got to go."
"Jude." Marianna says before I leave. "You can always come talk to any of us if you need it. Like our moms, Callie, Brandon or Jesus- well not so much Jesus."
"Yeah." I cut her off. "Got it."
With that I was out the door and sitting next to Connor in his dad's pick up truck. The music is blaring on our way to the restaurant. I laugh at him as he sings along- more like yells along with the music.
At the restaurant the waitress kindly leads us to our table. I saw the way she fixed her hair when she saw Connor come into the restaurant. It made me uncomfortable since the fact that before me, Connor actually dated other people. And the problem is it being other girls. I hated the fact that he was blind to the fact that she would smile brighter when he talked to her. Or the fact that she would frown noticing that it was a table for two. But eyes brightened again realizing that it was two guys, that he might not be on a date.
At the table we laugh and Connor rambles on about this new insane zombie movie that he wants to go to. After a few moments I feel his hand cover mine and I look into his eyes and smile. I let our fingers interlock and give his hand a squeeze. I see from afar the waitress coming back and I yank my hand back.
I avoid Connor's eyes as I feel them on me, watching me with curiosity. "So what can I get for you?" She asks Connor with fluttering eyes.
"I don't know. Jude," He says making he look into his eyes. "Do you want to split something so we can share. I know you like burgers because of your moms and I want some lasagna-."
"Can I ask you guys a weird question?" She asks. Before I have time to tell her no Connor jumps in.
"Sure."
"Are you guys." I take a deep breath knowing whats going to happen next. "Like, on a date?"
"No." I respond quickly. Across from the table I can practically hear Connor tense up. "I mean we're just friends."
"Great." She takes a moment to pull out a pen and paper and writes something down. She slips it down onto the table and shoves it in Connor's direction. "Call me sometime."
With a wink she's gone. And then there was silence. Connor just stared down at the little piece of paper. I opened and closed my mouth but I was left speechless as was he. I know he was upset.
"Connor I-"
"What the hell!" He shouts at me. "Is this what you want?" He asked picking up the piece of paper.
"I just-"
"To tell people that all I am to you is a friend?" His anger grew stronger as did his voice. "You know what? I'm done with being your little secret! And don't worry you don't have to pretend to be my just my friend anymore because after tonight, I don't think I even want to talk to you anymore."
"Connor your overreacting." I say. "I told you that I'm gay. I told my family that I'm dating you. Why does the whole world need to know?"
"I just feel like your not sure that this is even serious." He said. "If you were dating a girl would it have been a problem. Would it?"
"Look I just-"
"Save your breath for someone who wants to listen because I'm tired of doing this Jude." Connor says. "I just feel like I'm the only one committed in this relationship. I have to push you to go further into this."
Before he could say anything else the waitress comes back with all the food. She puts a plate of lasagna and burger in between us with extra forks and knives. I watch Connor as he moves around reaching for something in his pocket. I rake a stressed hand through my hair as I realize that he was pulling out his wallet. He pulls out thirty dollars to cover the meal.
"Connor you don't have to leave-"
"I can't look at you right now." He says disappointment moves around in his eyes. I watch him pull something out of his pocket.
"A watch?" I ask him.
"It was an old one of mine." He says and with phone gathered he makes one last remark. "Happy one month anniversary."
Damn it. I messed up, again. I cover my face with my hands upset about the mess I just made. I look across the table at the watch and pick it up. It was black and had an edge to it. I flipped the clock over to see that something was engraved on the back of it.
Jude & Connor.
In a flash I made it out the restaurant phone in hand ready to call someone for a ride to Connor's. In the parking lot I wait until I saw Connor's car on the side with a body laying on it. I relax and walk towards him."I thought you left." I said with my hands stuffed deep inside my pockets.
"I might be pissed but that doesn't mean that I'm going to leave you here without a ride." He says not exactly looking me in the eyes.
"I'm sorry Connor." He shakes his head when I say this.
"Do you want this?" Connor asks. "A relationship with me? Because it feels like every time you hide it, it's just you saying that it's something embarrassing to say. And I don't want to feel like that, I just don't anymore."
"To be honest with you I think I'm just scared." Once said, Connor raises his eyebrow. "I mean that one day you'll realize I was just a faze. You had a girlfriend, I never did. I just feel like coming out as a couple is me getting deeper into something I'm not used to and that might come to an end."
"That's the thing! This is real and that's why I want to make it official with everyone." Connor says pushing himself off the car coming closer towards me. "Now do you want this or not?"
"I do." I reply quickly.
"Then I want to be your boyfriend. Anywhere and everywhere." Connor says now close enough to hold my hand. I let our fingers interlock.
"So do I." And with that Connor's lips press to mine giving me a sense of thrill. I grab his waist and pull him close to me.
"Hi, I'm Jude. I have a boyfriend." I say when we pull apart. It leaves Connor with a large grin on his face. This is us.