"Please fill these out, Ms. DiLaurentis," the nurse said, handing Jessica the hospital's admission forms. Alison huffed and shot the nurse her signature death glare. She glanced down to the sticker on her chest which read 'Nurse Peggy' below the Radley Sanitarium logo. Alison remembered seeing some staff wearing metal name plates in the hospital's other branches and had figured they would be a safety concern in the psychiatric ward. The short, grey-haired nurse caught Alison's glare, but didn't waver. Thick skin was an unspoken job requirement for anyone who worked in the psych ward. "I'll be right back. Let me know when you finish those forms," Peggy shot back a similar, but much less intimidating glare and disappeared through the door behind the front desk.
How'd such a bitch get such a sweet name?
Alison, surprised that the nurse didn't falter, realized what little strength she had left was abandoning her body. She startled herself when she caught sight of her reflection in the dark, barred windows. She hadn't actually looked at her reflection in several weeks. Her normally beautiful, perfect blonde tresses were disheveled, having not been washed for almost 18 days. When she made eye contact with her reflection, she realized how empty and vacant she looked and immediately turned her attention back to her mother.
Jessica reached over the desk for a pen and began filling out the forms with a pained look on her face. Alison tried to think of what she could say to get her mom to change her mind, but all of her ideas came to an abrupt halt when she saw the pen making contact with the admission form. This was really happening.
"I'm not crazy," Alison pleaded, as she fought to hold back the oncoming barrage of tears. Alison was never one to beg or give up, but as she took in her surroundings, she found herself edging closer and closer to defeat.
The Radley wing of Rosewood General (21 West, Adolescent Psychiatric Inpatient Unit) was a lot nicer than what she had heard about Radley Sanitarium, but it certainly wasn't Disney World. If you were sent to Sanitarium, chances were you weren't getting out for a while. A long while. The walls here weren't Sanitarium turquoise, they were 21 West…light wheat? Right in front of the main desk were scattered tables, a foosball table and two single armchairs facing a TV that was mounted so high on the wall, it touched the ceiling. Probably another safety thing since it's one of those old, glass-screen TVs. She had already been in the hospital for what felt like the whole day and by now it was 11:10pm. All the patients were in their beds. They probably herd patients into their beds like cows.
"Alison…" her mother looked at her with sympathetic eyes.
"Mom, please," Alison begged, gripping her mothers arm, knowing she was about to lose this war. "Just put me in therapy again. I'll go to school, I promise I'll go. I mean it."
"I can't keep doing this. You can't keep doing this. You haven't left the house in two and a half months. You make promises and you break them."
I don't mean to.
"I can't keep missing so much work to look after you. I can see how much you're hurting, but I-I…I don't know what else I can do."
"You need to change into these," Peggy said as she returned from the back room, speaking directly to Alison for the first time. Alison looked down at the sterile paper scrubs the nurse held in her right hand and warily took them in her own. "We'll need to search the bag your mom packed for you, including what you're wearing now." Alison gave a slow nod, too exhausted to fight the nurse she was still unsure about.
"Here," Jessica said giving the nurse the completed admission forms.
Nurse Peggy set the form down behind the desk and turned to Alison again, "Say goodbye to your mom and I'll have someone take you to your room." She extended her hand out towards Jessica, "I'll take the bag." Jessica removed the bag from her shoulder and gave it to Peggy. The nurse walked down the hall to get a male nurse. Alison looked like she was too exhausted to put up a fight of any kind, but it was procedure.
Jessica took a deep breath to compose herself, knowing that she had to be strong for her daughter. She knew Alison was on the brink of breaking down and as much as it hurt to leave her here, she couldn't bare to watch her daughter break.
The blonde watched Nurse Peggy descend down the hallway, but the nurse's words didn't register until she was out of sight. This was it. She was saying goodbye to her mom. She was staying in a psychiatric ward. She was a Radley patient. Worst of all, she wasn't going home with her mom tonight.
"Alison…" Jessica slightly ducked her head to the side to get her daughter's attention.
Alison looked back at her mother and the evening's events finally caught up to her. She remembered the screaming match, the field hockey stick and the heart wrenching feeling she had when she saw her mother walk into her room with two police officers calling in an ambulance. She was completely burned out after 6 hours of crying during in-take in the ER and trying not to cry again until this moment.
"Sweetheart, it hurts me so much to see you like this."
"I'm sorry," Alison sobbed, finally allowing the tears that she had tried so hard to suppress to fall. Jessica pulled her daughter into her arms and let her baby girl cry on her shoulder.
"I don't want you to be sorry," Jessica pulled back, gently cupping Alison's cheeks and wiping away the falling tears with the pads of her thumbs, "I just want you to be happy."
How do I do that?
"Ms. DiLaurentis, it's time for you to leave," Nurse Peggy said through a forced smile.
"I love you so much," Jessica said before placing a goodbye kiss on Alison's forehead. Alison nodded, unable to verbally return the "I love you" through the sobs that were making her body violently convulse. She looked away and closed her eyes so she didn't have to watch her mom leave. She heard the psych door close and her body went on auto pilot.
"Can you take her to her room and have her change? Room 2207."
"Sure," a male nurse responded in a friendly voice "Let's get you settled in, Alison," motioning for Alison to walk ahead of him. "Each room has 2 beds and a single bathroom, but there's no one in your room besides you right now."
Alison just nodded, still not trusting her voice.
"When you shower, someone has to stand outside and knock every 2 minutes. You'll have to verbally acknowledge the staff member each time. When it's lights out, a staff member will check on you every 20 minutes while you sleep. It all sounds really creepy, but it's just procedure. Some patients need more supervision than others and we need to make sure that you're all safe." Alison silently nodded again in understanding and stopped when she saw '2207' stenciled on a door. "Here's your room."
The male nurse kindly waited with his back turned outside Alison's room while she changed, leaving as much distance as he was allowed between himself and the door to give her some privacy. He could only imagine how uncomfortable it must feel to shower or change with the door open while a stranger, who was paid to listen intently to everything you did, was standing just a few feet away. He liked to push how far away he stood for the patients who needed less supervision when his superiors weren't around. He knew that not all patients benefited from in-patient hospitalization and that when patients would leave, they'd be nothing if not scarred, so he would always do what he could to help them. If he could get patients to smile every now and then, maybe the scarring wouldn't be as harsh.
Alison handed him the sweats and t-shirt she came in with as she scratched where the paper scrubs were already starting to itch. The wearable paper was fitted to her body with flimsy strands of plastic that wrapped around the waist.
"Goodnight, Alison. Try to get some sleep. AM staff doesn't let anyone sleep in. This isn't a long term facility so you won't be in here too long." The nurse waited to receive Alison's nod before shutting the door. Well, shutting it as much as he could. Doors had to be left open at all times for the staff's 20 minute bed checks.
Alison let her body fall on the hard mattress and turned her body so she was facing the window on her side. Through her gated window she could see Citibank's glowing sign illuminating the small town in Pennsylvania. Rosewood, the town she grew up in, her home. She knew she was still in Rosewood, but couldn't have felt further from home as she listened to her sobs echoing in the cold room and cried herself to sleep.
Why couldn't you just be happy, Alison!? I did this. I ruined my life.
###
Alison woke up to a harsh knock on her door. She didn't think she would be able to get any sleep in this place, but the previous day had taken its toll on her.
"Time to wake up."
Alison scratched at the paper scrubs and turned her body to face the door, only to be disappointed to see that it was Nurse Peggy. "When will I get my clothes back?"
"When the bag is done being searched."
Well no shit, when is that? Alison kept her eyes locked with Nurse Peggy's, not willing to bow to this woman, and cocked an eyebrow.
To Alison's surprise, the nurse conceded and rolled her eyes.
"Probably this afternoon. Come out for breakfast and then come right over here to get your medication," gesturing to the heavy duty dutch door directly across from her room. "Oh and you need to shower and brush your hair first. Hey can you monitor her shower?" she questioned someone out of Alison's view while walking away to wake the next patient.
"No problem," a familiar voice answered.
Alison reluctantly got out of bed and started to make her way to her bathroom.
"Good morning, Alison. You might not remember me. I was the one who—"
"I remember you," Alison admitted.
"I'm Eddie, by the way. I would have introduced myself last night, but you seemed to be kinda out of it. Admission never really seems to be a good time for friendly introductions, so," Eddie held out his hand.
I guess he's the nice one. Alison looked at his hand for a moment and tentatively shook it.
"Why don't you get showered and I'll wait right outside."
"Why are they making me shower now?"
Eddie sighed, "You need to get back into the habit of doing your ADLs."
Alison blinked.
"ADLs are Activities of Daily Living. You know like brushing your teeth and hair, bathing, eating, stuff like that. You need to start taking care of yourself again."
###
Showering while having to confirm she was still alive every 2 minutes proved to be a chore and Alison figured she would need to get really good at speed showering. Once she got out, she noticed that Eddie had left a clean towel and fresh paper scrubs right outside the bathroom for her.
As Alison dried off, brushed her hair and teeth, and carefully adjusted the scrubs, she couldn't stop her mind from going directly to blaming herself for everything that had happened. She blamed herself for her mother struggling with work, for her father leaving them and for feeling the way she did. I know this is my fault. I know it is, so why can't I stop feeling like this?! Alison clenched her fists and didn't bother to hold back the tears. She wanted so badly to hit something, but knew that if she got violent, she would get sent to Sanitarium. Stop wanting to hit something, you know you can't! Stop being depressed!
"Stop it," Alison said to herself through gritted teeth. The frustration with herself brought on more waves of tears and her body began to shake with her fists clenched at her sides.
Eddie could hear the scrubs making ruffling noises from her shaking. He walked back into the room and put a comforting hand on her back. When he looked down, he noticed Alison's clenched fists. She's fighting herself.
"Hey," he said softly, handing her a tissue from the box on the side table, "Let's get you some breakfast."
"I'm sorry," Alison whimpered.
"You don't have to be sorry. I'm not going to judge you. You're just beginning to fight a war against yourself and you don't need other people adding to it."
That's it. I'm fighting a war against myself…and I'm losing.
Alison cleaned herself up a bit with the tissue, but kept it squeezed tightly in her hand. Eddie led her out back to the area around the front desk where the patients already seemed to be well into breakfast. Keeping her head down and failing to hide her drying tears, she timidly padded over to one of the arm chairs facing away from the people having breakfast and towards the TV that was mounted too high for anyone's neck to tolerate. She sat down on the chair and brought her knees up to her chest, hugging her legs. She didn't bother looking up at the TV and she didn't dare look behind her at the other patients. She felt eyes on her and just squeezed the tissue in her hand as hard as she could until her knuckles turned white.
"Hey," a soft voiced asked, "do you want to sit with us?"
Alison hesitantly turned her head towards the unusually soothing voice and was met with warm brown eyes surrounded by perfectly tan skin.
"They gave me an extra box of Froot Loops," the brown eyed brunette lightly encouraged with a small smile, shaking the box in the air.
She didn't know why, but she found a sense of safety in the brunette's eyes and sat down in the empty seat at their table. She could feel the intense gazes on her, but sensed no malice and loosened her grip on the tissue.
"Em, no one in their right mind takes food from a stranger," the blonde seated next to Alison joked, nudging the tan brunette in the side.
"Poor choice of words considering where we are, Han," a more fair-skinned brunette snickered.
"Shut up, Spence," the bubbly blonde shot back. "Is anyone in the world really completely sane?"
"Beyoncé?"
"Don't you dare bring Bey into this!"
"Please, you think Sasha Fierce is a sane person?"
"I'm Emily," the tan and muscular looking brunette cut in, sensing the timid blonde's discomfort. "Now that I'm not a stranger, you can take these." Emily slid the small cereal box across the circular table to Alison.
"Thanks," the blonde stopped it from sliding off the table with the hand that was still clutching the tissue. "Alison."
"Alison, this is Hanna," Emily gestured toward the blonde who smiled back with a mouth full of food. Emily giggled at Hanna and Alison was able to catch Emily's slight dimple that showed when she smiled. "And this is Spencer," Emily turned her head toward Spencer who gave a smile and a nod. When Emily turned her head, Alison could see the small tattoo of a mermaid on her neck, a couple inches below her ear. Alison had always wanted a tattoo, but never knew what she wanted to get. Everything about Emily's mermaid was perfect. The mermaid's hair, the ink color, hell, this girl was a mermaid.
Emily carefully watched Alison's eyes and had a feeling she knew what the blonde was looking at. Emily's eyes drifted down to what Alison was wearing and could see the outline of her bust and the curve of her hips through the oh so glorious paper get-up. Emily realized she was letting her gaze linger a little too long and cleared her throat just as Alison shifted uneasily in her seat.
"Umm…" Emily cleared her throat again, unable to stop herself from profusely blushing.
Spencer registered what was happening, "You'll be out of those scrubs soon."
"Spence, they're paper scrubs. Those don't even count as scrubs," Hanna said with a disgusted look on her face which Alison found herself smiling at.
Emily quickly sobered and mentally thanked Spencer for giving her time to let some of the stupid silently escape her mouth while she wasn't trying to converse. She looked up and smiled because they had finally gotten the blonde to smile.
"You have dimples," Emily grinned.
Alison furrowed her eyebrows, What? Oh yeah, I forgot I had those. "Uh, I- yeah," Alison simpered.
Spencer studied Alison's reaction, "You haven't smiled in a while, huh?"
"I guess not," Alison shrugged.
"So, did Eddie give you the 'war against yourself' speech?" Hanna asked, her mouth full of Fruity Pebbles.
"Yeah," Alison looked down at her hands and squeezed the tissue again, "but I think I'm losing."
"Hey," Emily spoke softly, "We know how you feel. I know how you feel."
I know how you feel. Alison peered into Emily's honest eyes and felt the truth of her words. Emily nearly bore her soul to the blonde as she stared deeply into Alison's eyes, trying to convey exactly what she was trying to say. Alison seemed to get the message when she found a part of herself in Emily. Her lips parted slightly and Alison realized that both she and Emily had been broken. Not by anyone in particular, but by the constant battles they were fighting, the war they were trying so desperately not to lose.
"I have an extra shirt and some sweats that'll probably fit you."
Alison smiled again at Emily's kind words, "Thank you."
"We want to keep that smile on your face and those scrubs are probably going to be a hindrance."
Alison deliberately brought out her more pronounced left dimple to get a reaction out of the brunette, "And I guess you have a thing for dimples?" she raised an eyebrow knowingly.
Emily blushed knowing she'd been caught, then smirked at being able to draw the blonde a little further out of her shell. As Alison leered into Emily's consoling chocolate orbs, she realized she hadn't felt anything remotely close to the shred of happiness that just talking to Emily gave her.
Alison had a long way to go before feeling like she was on cloud nine, but if she spent more time with Emily, maybe this war wouldn't be so bad.
AN: Just so you all know, I have been hospitalized 5 times for the mental illnesses I struggle with. If I make a joke about mental illness that offends you, I'm sorry, but I think that being about to make light of something that makes you miserable can help you cope. It did for me.