Genre: Humour/Parody

Disclaimer: I do not own Gintama or any of the characters.

When Terrorists Hide In Shady Shops, Don't Pursue Them

"Hijikata-san," Sougo said.

"Yeah?" Toshiro replied.

"Do you need me to buy food for you? You don't have to eat dog food, you know."

"Which part of this looks like dog food to you?!" Toshiro blustered.

"Well, that hideous mess of white stuff you are shoving into your throat right now. That must be dog food."

"As I have said so many times before, this is mayonnaise, delicious old mayonnaise."

"Forgive me, Hijikata-san, all I can see is a pile of dog shit that has been dyed white," Sougo commented.

"Damn you, Sougo. Wanna take it outside?" Hijikata roared, setting his bowl of mayonnaise fried rice on the table gently before drawing his sword from his sheath.

"Sounds good to me," Sougo replied, a glint in his eye as he drew his own from his sheath.

The wooden door to their room opened. Yamazaki was panting heavily for breath.

"What is it? Yamazaki?" Hijikata asked.

"Fukuchou, Okita-kaichou, Katsura has been spotted!" Yamazaki struggled to say.

"What?!" Toshiro yelled.

"Looks like we will have to continue this duel later, Hijikata-san," Sougo said, sheathing his sword.

"Humph, guess you will have longer to live then, Sougo," Hijikata said, sheathing his own. "Yamazaki, lead the way then. By the way, why are you panting so heavily? Didn't you use the police car to get here?"

"I was playing bad- I mean, the police car had broken down, so I had to run back here on foot," Yamazaki said.

"Damn you, Yamazaki. You have been playing badminton, haven't you? Honestly, go and get your own anime where you can be the Prince of Badminton or whatnot," Toshiro said.

"Hijikata-san, you can go ahead and join Yamazaki in his anime. You can be the girl who always supports him in his matches, hoping that he will look at you one da-" Sougo dodged a bowl of mayonnaise fried rice. "Watch where you are disposing of the dog food, Hijikata-san. I don't want to get drenched in that muck."

"You are so gonna die in a few hours, Sougo."

"Fukuchou, Okita-kaichou," Yamazaki said, pointing. "That was the place he was last spotted in."

Toshiro and Sougo stared.

"Yamazaki," Toshiro shook, struggling to light up a cigarette with his trembling hands. "Do you know what place is that?"

"? Isn't that just an okama shop?" Yamazaki replied.

"Yes, an okama shop," Toshiro said, finally lighting up his cigarette and giving a loud puff. "And why would a Jouishishi be at an okama shop?! You idiot! Did you really see him here?!" he yelled.

"Hijikata-san, look," Sougo said, staring at the mouth of the entrance to the shop.

A person with long, flowing black hair was ushering people in. The make up on his face made him strangely feminine, but did not ultimately serve to conceal his identity.

"KATSURA!" Toshiro yelled, his cigarette falling from his mouth. Stubbing the cigarette with his shoe, he opened the door of the car.

Bang.

Something went crashing into the door. Next moment, a scooter and a man with wavy, silver permed hair went flying.

"Oh, it's Boss," Sougo commented as he left from his side of the car.

Toshiro climbed out from the open door to find himself face to face with a glaring face with dead fish eyes. Blood was streaming profusely from the right side of his head.

"What did you think you were doing, you damn mayora?!" Sakata Gintoki hollered, spraying spittle all over Toshiro's face. "Haven't you ever learnt that you shouldn't open car doors suddenly in traffic? You should at least look behind you and give a signal to incoming drivers, you idiot!"

"Why should I look behind me and give signals?! That's the most idiotic thing I have ever heard, you damn samurai!" Toshiro blustered.

"Never mind," Gintoki said, stretching out an open palm.

Toshiro stared at the extended hand. "What?"

"Of course I am asking you for compensation, you damn mayora addict!" Gintoki shouted. "What did you think I was trying to do? Ask you for a dance in Cinderella's ballroom?!"

"Why the hell should I give you compensation, you damn perm haired samurai?!" Toshiro shouted back. "You were the one who came crashing into the door. You should pay me compensation instead!"

"I only crashed into the door because you went and open it, you idiot!"

"How am I supposed to get out if I don't open the door, you damn samurai?!"

"I don't know, maybe get out from the other door?"

"Why the hell should I climb out from the other door when I could just get out from the one closest to me?!"

"Road safety comes first, mayora! Haven't you seen those TV shows? Road accidents always occur because some idiot insists on opening the door closest to him!"

"What kind of TV show will have such a situation?! Only you will get hit by an opening car door!"

They glared at each other, both refusing to give way.

"Hijikata-san, Boss," Sougo said. "Could you save the lovebirds' quarrel for later? I am kinda feeling the intense pressure of being the third wheel here."

"Die, Sougo," Toshiro cleared his throat, stepped back and reached into his uniform. He retrieved a bottle of mayonnaise and held it out to Gintoki.

"Here, your compensation. Be glad, you damn samurai. That was my last bottle," Toshiro said.

"How the heck can a bottle of mayonnaise compensate for all these injuries?! I am not a mayonnaise addict like you, idiot! I want money, cold, hard money!"

"Huh? You are saying that mayonnaise is not as valuable as money?!" Toshiro said, squaring up to Gintoki again.

"Obviously, you damn mayora addict! Money is the source of life, you know. With money, I can head to a pachinko and play those slot machines to my heart's content. With money, I can drink all the strawberry milk and eat all the chocolate parfaits I want. With money, I can probably request Shounen Jump to cancel that god awful manga ,"Gintaman" as well."

"Aren't you just talking about what you want in life? What's with the wise tone? It does not fit in with what you are saying, you damn samura-"

"Watch out there," Sougo called.

The both of them turned their heads to see a huge missile going their way.

"WHAT THE?!" they yelled as it exploded at their feet. They were somehow miraculously alive, albeit with charcoal black faces and frizzled hair. Gintoki's hair was still naturally permed and wavy, though.

"What was that for?!" Toshiro shouted.

"Tch," Sougo looked away, a look of frustration on his face. "He's still alive, huh? Should have aimed right at his face."

"Oi, I can hear you, you damn idiot!" Toshiro blustered. "And keep that huge bazooka of yours already! Where the hell do you manage to hide it anyway? The damn gorilla has never tried to explain how you could always draw out this huge ass weapon out whenever you want!"

"Oh, you know. Just like that anime with the robot cat. I got this pouch where I can stash all sorts of items. Incidentally, Hijikata-san," Sougo said. "I got around fifty of your dead bodies in my pouch. I like to get them out and stare at them whenever I'm having difficulty sleeping. It helps me a lot."

"Fukuchou, Okita-kaichou, can we go and arrest Katsura already? I have got an important badminton match against the Generation of Miracles later! I heard that they can do these vanishing dips and formless smacking with their rackets! One could even play badminton from outside the arena!" Yamazaki burst, unable to keep the anticipation out of his voice.

"Alright, alright, let's go in and arrest that okama already," Toshiro sighed. "Damn samurai, I will pay you your compensation later on, so get going first."

"You kidding? I am following you until I get my money, you damn mayora!"

"Katsura!" Toshiro shouted. "Come on out! We got the place surrounded. You cannot escape this time!"

The customers instantly got up and fled, seeming to emit sighs of relief as they went.

"Ahhhh," the okama cried. "It's the Shinsengumi! They are so… Hey, they are pretty handsome! Girls, let's go!"

The okama began running. Toshiro and Sougo could feel their faces turning white.

"If you take another step near us," Sougo said. "I'm firing this bazooka at your kintamas, if you still have them."

"Ahhh, a Sadist!" some okama whimpered. "I'm a M! Please, do me!"

"Oh god, I think I'm gonna be sick," Toshiro said, trying to contain his wave of nausea. "Katsura! Come on out, or I'm gonna rip this place down!"

"I am not Katsura! I am Zurako!"

Katsura came walking out of a door, looking just like a natural born female.

"Katsura!" Sougo said, before firing a missile straight at him.

There was no explosion.

They found themselves staring as a huge man redirected the missile with his bare hands and sent it flying out of the okama shop.

Boom

"How dare you try to lay a hand on my girls," the huge man rumbled. "I, Mademoiselle Saigou, will not let you off!"

He was just about to pounce when he noticed a samurai with permed, wavy hair and a pair of dead fish eyes.

"Paako!" he exclaimed. "What are you doing here? Have you realised the beauty of our trade and returned here permanently, just like Zurako?"

"No way, no way," Gintoki shook his head, waving his hands as he retreated. "I just came here with these guys to get my compensation. Even if I went bonkers, I will never come here again. My kintama have hardly been used yet, after all. And Zura! What the hell are you doing here? Have you lost your sexuality?"

"I am not Zura! I am Zurako!" Katsura said. "Well, err, I'm working here because I got into some trouble with Saigou-san. The other day, I had met him again in a ramen shop. When he had offered me some of his ramen, I had a slip of the tongue and called him a sexless monster for offering ramen to a soba fan. Well, the next thing I knew, I was here."

"Why the hell would you go to a ramen shop if you liked soba, anyway?" Gintoki demanded. "Shouldn't you go to a soba shop instead? Oi, mayora addict, give me my compensation quickly. I'm actually in a hurry to catch the soap opera at 4PM."

"It's 5PM now, you damn idiot," Toshiro replied.

"Hold on, Paako," Saigou said.

Gintoki froze.

"We happen to be kind of short-handed right now. Why don't you work for us as a form of compensation, seeing as the three of you scared all of my customers off?" he asked.

"I, errr…" Gintoki tried to protest, but quailed under the huge man's threatening stare.

"Why the hell am I working here right now, you damn samurai?" Toshiro asked, cramming himself into a tight dress and dragging a long haired wig over his head.

"That's what I will like to ask you, you damn idiot," Gintoki replied, buttoning the front of his outfit.

"Katsura, as soon as this whole thing is over, you are coming with us, you got that?" Toshiro said.

"I am not Katsura! I am Zurako!" Katsura said as he prepared a flask of sake on a plate.

"This outfit sure doesn't fit me, does it?" Sougo lamented. All of them stared at him.

Long yellow hair, blushed cheeks, tight dress with floral prints. He looked just like a British blonde. The outfit did not just fit him, it was practically made for him.

(Meanwhile, Yamazaki has given up on his superiors and has driven to the venue of the Badminton showdown. Will he succeed against the likes of Kurako, Midorama, Kase and Aamine? Stay tuned for the next episode of Yamazaki's Badminton!)