A/N: Hey everyone!
This is a continuation of our last oneshot, Welcome to Hell. It's not necessary to read the first, but it may help you to understand a few concepts (namely, why Wendy is dead, how she got to be dating Damien, and the entirety of HOT SHEA.). For some reason, we felt like writing a quick zombie apocalypse fic, which turned into this 8k+ monster. We had fun writing it, and we think it has a nice balance between humor and horror.
Hope you enjoy!
Warnings: Some swearing and some pretty graphic scenes (I recommend skipping to the end of the section if you're squeamish when it starts to get graphic. You won't miss a whole lot other than people being turned into zombies.)
Disclaimer: We own nothing except Dennis, Cassie, the concept of HOT SHEA, and the plot.
~.~
A boy dressed in a long, black, hooded robe walked into his father's chamber.
"Hello father, what bidding of yours shall you have me do this evening?"
Satan looked up from his book. "Damien…what are you doing? Take that ridiculous robe off."
Damien scurried to unhood and disrobe. "Uh, sorry. So, what's up, dad?"
Satan raised an eyebrow, but for the most part ignored his son's odd behavior. "It's that Kenny McCormick."
"What's wrong with Kenny? He's my friend... Well, when he's here at least..." Damien asked, jumping to his friend's defense.
"No, no. It's not that. You see, he keeps dying and coming back to life, over and over again. Not only that but he sometimes goes to Heaven. I have no idea if I should count him as one death or over one-hundred deaths."
"Um, ok…are you asking me to do something about it?"
"Can you find a spell in your book to turn an immortal to a mortal? It would make my life so much easier."
"Yeah ok, I'll look." Damien said while running up the stairs to get his spell book.
~.~
Damien, whistling while he worked, finished tightly tying the final knot. "Yup, that should do it." He said, smiling at his friend.
He was glad to almost be rid of this task his father gave him last week, for that was how long it took him to find the spell that would take his friend out of his constant dying. No pun intended, but he went through HELL finding it.
Well, at least he also found some… useful… spells he could use later.
Kenny, however, was anything but pleased with this development. "Dude, what the fuck? You can't just break into someone's house and tie them up. Now, I consider you a friend, but I'm giving you to the count of three to explain yourself before I start to think up a way to kill myself and tell your girlfriend you tied up someone else; and I won't tell her the someone else is me."
Damien gasped. "You wouldn't!"
"Try me."
"Ok, ok." Damien began. "You see, my dad is sick of you coming and going, so he had me find a spell to turn you mortal."
Kenny stared at him blankly. "Why didn't you tell me that before? I would have tied myself up. Willingly."
"If you're finished," Damien said, filing his nails, for he was already bored with the conversation, "Can we get on with the spell, already?"
Kenny nodded as Damien opened the spell book and began reading.
"Is alica fit." He started, his voice getting deeper to accommodate the evils of the spell he was doing. "Nescio quomodo faceret spells non sum furem. I petram. Ut adipiscing similis. Eius bona. Quisque ultricies scitis, in aqua vitae. I non potest dici verbum. Is mos change effercio. Nescio quid sententia. NON EST VERITAS RECTOS dominos LATIN! Donec dictum. Ok ... um quid ..." he paused. "Oh crap."
"What?" Kenny asked, with some anxiety in his voice.
"I can't read the last word. Um, I'm just gonna say it's…" his voice, again, got deeper. "…fish."
"Fish?"
"Yeah, fish." responded Damien. "Sounds like a decent word and I think I read it somewhere pertaining to this spell… so… yeah. Well, enjoy mortal-"
Before he could finish, Kenny cut him off…by turning into a zombie, breaking free of his bonds, and hopping out the window. Damien then stared blankly at the ropes that imprisoned his friend before snapping back to reality.
"Oops." Damien said to himself. "I wasn't planning on starting the Zombie Apocalypse for at least another week. Well, I guess I better tell dad." He finished before teleporting back to Hell.
~.~
Kenny, who had just been turned into a zombie by the Son of Satan, wandered around the town aimlessly, looking for someone to eat.
"Braaaaaiiiiiins…" he mumbled, slightly drooling.
As if on cue, Gregory of Yardale stepped out of a limo, holding a suitcase. He took a deep breath. "Oh, it sure is nice to be back in the ol' U.S of A."
Kenny, sensing the presence of a very large head, went over to investigate.
"Brains…"
"Oh! I have brains, young chap. I graduated with a 4.0 grade point average at Yardale." Gregory replied smugly.
"Oh…brains…" Kenny replied, quickly grabbing Gregory's head and eating his brain. "Mmmm…"
Just as Kenny was about to eat the remaining parts of the British boy, Gregory's skin began to turn a pale shade of green and his skull cracked, revealing the only part of his brain that Kenny didn't eat yet. He had turned into a zombie as well.
Gregory smiled and licked his lips. "I could really go for some nice, warm chunks of cerebrum this evening."
Kenny nodded in agreement. "Brains…"
~.~
Satan was in his kitchen cooking when Damien walked in.
"Dad, uh…I kinda…"
Satan cut him off. "Oh! Damien, there you are! I just finished baking vanilla cupcakes! Do you want one?"
"Um…sure. But dad, I…"
Satan held out the cupcake. "Here you go son, now run along!"
"No, dad, I have something important I need to tell you!"
"What is it?"
"I accidentally turned Kenny into a zombie."
"YOU WHAT? THAT'S VERY NAUGHTY! NO CUPCAKE FOR YOU!" Satan bellowed while ripping the cupcake out of Damien's hand.
"I didn't mean to! I was just trying to turn him into a mortal!"
Satan sighed. "Well you know who I'm going to have to call to fix this, right?"
Damien's eyes widened. "Please dad, not them! Anyone but them!"
"They're the only ones who can ever get anything done around here!"
"NO! They'll bug me about this for years."
"Well they are the only ones who can fix this, so I'm going to call them!" Satan said while picking up the phone.
"NO DAD! ANYONE BUT…"
~.~
"Ok, you're dare is…" Thomas Jefferson paused for dramatic effect, "…you have to kiss someone in this room!"
Everyone, but Hitler, giggled.
"Nein! Nein! Nein!"
"He's not gonna do it, yo! He's not gonna do it!" King Henry VIII exclaimed.
Just then, the phone rang.
"I'll get it!" Alexander Hamilton squealed in a sing-song voice.
Everyone grew silent.
"Hel-lo, this is HOT SHEA'S secret club. What's the password?"
"This is Satan."
"Oh, hi Satan! This is Alex! What's up?"
"Uh, we have a problem up on Earth…"
"Oh? A problem? Juicy!" Alex turned to face his friends. "THERE'S A PROBLEM UP ON EARTH, GUYS!"
"YAY! MAYBE WE'LL BE ABLE TO GO UP!"
Satan raised an eyebrow and Damien facepalmed. "Juicy?"
"Yeah juicy, why?"
"Uh, never mind. Anyway, I need you guys to go to Earth, ok?"
Alex's eyes doubled in size. "We get to go to...Earth?"
"Uh…yeah. You're going up because there is currently a zombie invasion going on in South Park, Colorado…"
"Ok."
"…And I need you guys to stop the invasion."
"Uh-huh."
"To stop the zombies, you guys need to…"
"Oh, yup! Uh-huh. Ok, got it. Bye!"
Alex hung up.
"GUYS! WE'RE GOING UP TO EARTH!"
"YAAAY!" HOT SHEA roared in excitement.
"But guys," Elvis started, "Why are we going up to Earth?"
"I don't know, I wasn't really listening." Alex admitted.
Everyone went silent.
"WHO CARES! WE GET TO GO UP TO EARTH!" Saddam Hussein exclaimed.
The group cheered again.
"Aww, I was just up there. I was having fun down here." Osama Bin Laden complained.
Everyone stared at him in disbelief.
"What?"
~.~
A grieving Bebe was walking around the mall in deep contemplation. "Oh Wendy, you would've loved that purse, and those shoes, and that necklace…oh and definitely that shirt. I'll buy them all in memory of you!"
Bebe grabbed all of the items and brought them over to the cash register.
"Hey, Cassie...Um you're looking a little green today. You should try this skin stuff, it really works!"
Cassie mumbled something about brains before jumping over the counter and attacking her.
~.~
"Dude, you're hanging out with the Goth Kids again?" an annoyed Kyle asked.
"Yeah…my girlfriend died dude. The only person I've ever loved is gone forever."
"You'll never get out of this Goth phase, will you?"
"No, not really."
"So you're going to call yourself 'Raven' again?"
"Yeah."
Kyle sighed. "Alright then. See you next week."
Henrietta, Red Goth, Evan, Kindergoth, and Stan were sitting behind South Park Elementary listening to Evanescence and smoking cigarettes.
"So you're back?" Henrietta asked.
"Here I am once again, I'm torn into pieces... Can't deny it, can't pretend...Yes, I'm back."
"Dude, so your girlfriend like, died?"
"Yeah. Everything beautiful... eventually dies…"
"Cha." Red Goth agreed.
"I-I just don't understand it…Is love meant to hurt...this badly?"
"She said you'd never let go. She lied. Everyone does...and if you don't believe me, I don't care. No-one ever does, anyway..." Kindergoth stated.
Everyone stared at him in disbelief. Then, Henrietta broke the silence.
"Kid…you're hardcore Goth."
"Cha." Red Goth replied.
Just then, a group of zombies limped over to where the Goths were.
"Well this sucks." Evan said in a matter-of-fact tone.
"Brains…" Red mindlessly mumbled.
"Tim-mah…"
"I-I-I am c-craving some b-b-brains!" Jimmy exclaimed.
"Me too…" Token said while nodding.
"Fuck off, posers." Kindergoth stated coldly.
Jimmy, who couldn't resist the smell of human any longer, stabbed Kindergoth in the heart, killing him slowly and painfully. He then began to eat him.
"HOLY CRAP!" Evan exclaimed.
"OH MY GOD!"
"RUN!" Red Goth yelled, already halfway across the playground. The others quickly followed.
Stan rolled his eyes. "Ugh…I should've known those three were just mindless posers. Kill me now. Just kill me."
"Timmah…" Timmy murmured as he ran Stan over with his wheelchair, killing him. Token then proceeded to eat the new Goth's dead body.
~.~
"Yo, guys. That was fo' shizzle the awesomest world tour ever!" exclaimed King Henry VIII, who, for the record, was wearing a Statue of Liberty hat and eating a Mickey Mouse ice cream bar.
The other members of HOT SHEA all agreed. "My favorite part was the Eiffel tower, man," said Elvis, while fiddling with his beret.
"No! Space Mountain!" Alex and T.J. said in unison and simultaneously giving each other high-fives, and pointing to their matching 'best friends' Disney tee shirts.
Hitler said something in German while pointing to his Nazi T-shirt.
"Nu-uh Adolf! Abbey Road was way better than Auschwitz!" Osama Bin Laden, who was currently intently looking at his newly bought Beatles CD, stated.
"You've all got it wrong!" Saddam Hussein exclaimed. "The Great Wall of China all the way! Hey! That reminds me; I never opened my fortune cookie."
Everyone gathered around Saddam in suspense while he slowly cracked the golden shell of the treat and pulled a little slip paper out. He then read it aloud:
"You will have to stop a zombie invasion."
Everyone raised an eyebrow and gave each other confused looks. Alexander Hamilton, however, nervously scratched the back of his head.
"What's that supposed to mean?" T.J. asked to no one in particular.
"Oh, who cares? Let's read the lucky numbers!" Osama Bin Laden said.
"Um…guys…" Alex began. He was ignored.
"Ok, my lucky numbers are: 6, 66, and 666. YAY!"
"G-uys…"
"Aw, that's awesome! You got 666 as a number!" T.J. exclaimed.
"Guys, this is really…"
"Yeah!"
"GUYS!" Alex screamed, making everyone jump.
"WHAT?" T.J., who was now humoring his best friend, replied.
"Um, well you know how I was on the phone with Satan this morning?" Alex began.
"Yeah…" HOT SHEA answered.
"And you know how I said we were going to Earth?"
"Yeah…"
"And you know how Elvis said that there had to be a reason for going to Earth?"
"Yeah…"
"Well, that's it."
"What's it, homedawg?" King Henry VIII asked.
"Yeah…I don't get it." Saddam Hussein admitted.
"THE ZOMBIE INVASION! I WAS GOING TO TELL YOU GUYS, BUT THEN SATAN MENTIONED EARTH, AND I GOT ALL EXCITED AND FORGOT ABOUT THE ZOMBIES, AND I WASN'T LISTENING WHEN HE TOLD ME HOW TO STOP THEM, AND NOW WE'RE SCREWED!" Alex babbled.
Everyone blinked, then began to scream and run around in circles.
"HOLY POOP ON A STICK! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!" Elvis yelled.
"I DON'T KNOW!" Alex answered.
"ICH WILL ZU MEINER MAMA!" Hitler screamed, pulling his hair.
"ME TOO, YO!" King Henry VIII cried.
"Um, guys. I'm sorry for interrupting your shenanigans but…shouldn't we be going down to South Park now?" T.J. asked.
"He's right. LETS GO GUYS!" Saddam Hussein yelled.
"OK, secret handshake time!" Osama Bin Laden exclaimed.
"HOT SHEA…" Alex and T.J. yelled in unison.
"UNITE!" Everyone else yelled while doing a fist bump. Then they all teleported to South Park, Colorado.
~.~
"What's taking them so long? More and more people are turning into zombies by the minute!" Satan exclaimed.
Damien had a bored expression on his face. "See? I told you. Those good-for-nothing idiots can't do anything!"
"I think you may be right this time, son."
"NO." Damien stated sarcastically. "Ya think?"
"Don't you use that tone of voice with me, young man!"
"Sorry…"
Satan sighed. "It's fine. We need someone else to go up to Earth though. Someone organized and smart, who could easily think up a good plan."
Damien's face brightened. "I know who!"
"Who?"
"Wendy!"
Satan thought about it for a moment, and then shrugged. "Well, she's organized, and she is pretty smart…"
"So is that a yes?" Damien asked eagerly.
"Sure."
"All right!"
Satan then closed his eyes and chanted something. Then out of nowhere, a puff of smoke appeared and Wendy came out.
"Hey! I was having a good time at Disney Land Hell! Now how did I get here and where…" Wendy then stopped her ranting and looked around.
"DAMIEN?" she exclaimed excitedly.
"HEY, SWEETIE!"
"HI, HONEY!"
They then ran to each other and started a makeout course.
"AHEM."
Damien and Wendy stopped kissing only to see a glaring Satan.
"Heh…sorry." Damien apologized to his father.
"Ok. Anyways, you two need to go up to Earth and stop the zombie invasion going on right now."
"Zombie invasion? Where is it taking place?" Wendy asked.
"South Park, Colorado."
"Why am I not surprised." Wendy asked while rolling her eyes. "Everything happens in South Park. Why not add a zombie invasion to the list?"
Damien raised an eyebrow. "Um…Wendy? There already was a zombie invasion there."
"Really?"
"Yeah, and you were turned into one. Remember?"
"No…"
"Never mind."
Wendy turned to Satan. "How did the zombie invasion even start?"
"Well Wendy, this bozo over here" Satan glared at his son, "was trying to turn your friend Kenny into a mortal. However, he didn't know the last word of the spell, so he replaced the last word with 'fish'."
"Well I saw the word 'fish' used last in another spell, so I thought it was fish."
Satan was now steaming. "YOU WHAT? D-DAMIEN, IF YOU SAW THE WORD 'FISH' AT THE END OF THE SPELL, THEN THAT MEANS YOU MUST HAVE, AT ONE POINT, DELIBERATELY READ THE 'ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE' SPELL THAT I FORBID YOU FROM READING!"
Damien paled. "Uh…Dad, you are the devil and I am your son, surely you don't expect me, the Son of Satan, to listen, do you?"
Satan was now furious. Damien sensed this and seeing that his first excuse didn't work, he used his last resort explanation.
"Ok, chill, listen. When a parent says to their kid 'I forbid you from doing this,' the kid just wants to do it. It's human nature. Now why would I not do something that you told me not to do? Parents never understand this concept!"
"Damien…" Satan started, pinching the bridge of his nose.
"Yeah?"
"YOUR NOT A FUCKING HUMAN! HUMAN NATURE MY…"
"Ok, Wendy we better get going. Love you dad! Bye!" Damien shouted back before grabbing Wendy's hand and teleporting to Earth.
"…Botox. That boy just never sits still…"
~.~
HOT SHEA roamed the abandoned streets of South Park while looking at a list of all of the residents that lived there.
"Huh…this place looks empty." Osama Bin Laden stated.
"Because there's a zombie invasion going on right now, stupid!" Saddam yelled.
"Oh yeah."
T.J. and Alex studied the list silently. T.J. was the first to speak. "Hey Alex, I bet you 10 Hell Fast-Passes that that French kid will be the last living human."
Alex shook his head. "No way, dude! That British kid with the funny hat will be the last human!"
Hitler said something in German.
"The fat kid? Adolf, you really think the fat kid will be the last to live?" T.J. questioned.
"Ja."
"Ok, then…what about you, King Henry VIII?" Alex asked.
"That Jewish kid looks pretty gangster, yo. My fast-passes are on him!"
"How about you, Saddam?"
"I think that the kid flipping us off in the picture will win." Saddam responded.
"Ok, Elvis?"
"Um…my money is on the girl with curly blonde hair."
"Uh…Elvis?" T.J. began.
"Yu-huh?"
"She's already a zombie…"
"DAG-NABBIT!"
"Anyway, my money is on the twitchy kid, just because." Osama Bin Laden stated.
"ALRIGHT! THE BET IS ON!" everyone, but Elvis who was currently moping in the corner, yelled.
~.~
"Now, Christophe, Jesus eez ze son of God, and God eez…" Ze Mole's mom ranted on.
Ze Mole, who didn't understand, and frankly didn't care what his mom was talking about, began to doze off.
"EY! I EM TALKEENG TO YOU MEESTER!"
Just then, the doorbell rang. Ze Mole dashed toward the door, grateful to have a reason to get out of his mom's lecture.
"ZWHY YOU GOOD FOR NOTHEENG PIECE OF POUP!" His mom snapped.
Ze Mole sighed as he opened the door, only to find himself face-to-face with Bebe . "Ello? What do you want, beech?"
"Brains…" she muttered.
"Well, eef your lookeeng for brains, I suggest Gregory. Anytheeng else?"
"Brains…"
Ze Mole, slightly disturbed by the girl's behavior, began to slowly shut the door. "Um..Well 'ave a good day, ok?"
Bebe blankly stared at him as he shut the door. Ze Mole, relieved to have ended the akward moment, leaned on the door.
"Ah, zwhat eez 'er problem today?"
Just then, Bebe began to pound at the door, and was eventually able to break it in half. Ze Mole, stunned, quickly crawled over to the corner and grabbed his shovel.
"Listen beech, and listen carefully. I am not afraid to bash your brains een weeth my shovel. Now cut ze crap!"
Bebe growled at him then pounced. She landed on top of the Frenchman and began to rip him apart.
"Ugh…ZWAT ARE YOU DOEENG, BEECH?"
"I…I…" Bebe began.
"You…zwat?"
"I want…"
"Zwhat do you zwant, Bebe?"
"BRAINS!" she exclaimed while continuing to rip up Ze Mole.
~.~
"Yeah! Yeah! Shoot that Nazi zombie, dude!" Clyde exclaimed while hanging upside-down on the couch. They were currently playing Call of Duty: Black-Ops on Craig's PS3.
"GAH! I CAN'T! THIS IS WAY TO MUCH PRESSURE!" Tweek screeched.
"Alright. I got him." Craig reassured.
"I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! THIS GAME IS TOO HARD!"
"I guess we can stop playing now…it's been three hours already."
Craig nodded in agreement and turned off the game. Then, all three of the boys walked to the kitchen.
"So what do you guys want? I've got Doritos, Goldfish, Gushers, Cheesy Poofs, Pop-tarts…"
"I'll have some Cheesy Poofs."
"GAH! ME T-TO!"
Craig grabbed three bags of Cheesy Poofs and began to walk over to the table, but something caught his eye.
"Dude…what are you looking at?"
Craig gave the snacks to Clyde. "I'll be right back dude…I think I see zombies in my backyard…"
Clyde snorted. "Craig, I think you've played Black-Ops for too long. You're becoming delusional!"
"Shut up dude. I'm going to my room to get a better view."
"OH GOD NO! CRAIG'S DELUSIONAL! GAH!"
Clyde chuckled. "I was only kidding Tweek. I'm going to go see what he's up to, ok?"
"GAH! OK!"
Clyde had only made it halfway up the stairs before he heard screaming. As soon as he heard it, he bolted up the stairs and into Craig's room, where he saw his friend being eaten alive by zombies.
"OH MY GOD! CRAIG!" Clyde yelled as he attempted to push the zombies off the half-dead boy.
One of the zombies, the one with black hair and a black puffball hat turned to face him.
Clyde recognized the zombie instantly. "S-stan? Is t-that you?"
Stan growled in response and lunged at the confused brunette.
"Ah! TWEEK! TWEEK! HELP ME!"
~.~
While he was eating his Cheesy Poofs, Tweek heard his friend Clyde yelling for him from upstairs. The panicked boy rushed up to Craig's room and kicked the door open. As soon as he saw the zombies, Craig's bloody remains, and Clyde's dead body, the blonde boy went crazy.
"GAH! OH MY GOD! CRAIG! CLYDE! MY TWO BEST FRIENDS IN THE WORLD ARE DEAD! HOW AM I GOING TO GO ON? HOW?"
The zombies, which Tweek identified as Stan, Gregory, and Kevin glared at him and made dangerous growls.
"AHHH!" Tweek yelled as he ran out the door and into the street.
I've got to warn the others! Tweek mentally screamed. He then saw Butters and Pip standing at the end of the road. YES! I'm safe at last!
Just to make sure he was right, Tweek turned around to see if he was being followed. Unfortunately, when he turned around, he was met with a punch in the face.
"GAH!"
Tweek fell to the ground and was pinned by…
"GAH! CHRISTOPHE?"
Ze Mole was now on top of Tweek, shovel in hand.
"AHHHHHH!"
"Cerveaux…" Ze Mole muttered, bashing Tweek's head with his shovel and killing him almost instantly.
~.~
From the distance, Butters heard someone scream.
"Uh…Pip, did you hear that?"
"Uhm…someone scream? If so than yes, but I thought I was imagining it."
"I THOUGHT I WAS T-TO!"
"Oh dear…I sure hope they're alright…"
"I t-think I'll go investigate. Stay here, Pip. I'll be right back."
"Oh! Are you sure?"
Butters solemnly nodded. "I'm positive."
"Well if you don't come back in ten minutes, I'm going to look for you!"
"Alright. See you later, Pip." Butters said while he walked up the street where the noise came from.
~.~
Elm Street was the darkest, quietest, and most eerie street in all of South Park, which is where the scream came from.
"Uh…h-hello there…" Butters whispered.
The only response he got was wind blowing through the trees.
"O-ok, this is getting a little scary now. M-maybe I should just turn arou…" Before he could finish his sentence, Butters tripped over something cold and wet.
"Do I dare look down?" Butters mentally asked himself. "No, just don't look down, don't look down, oh, I want to look down sooo badly. But curiosity killed the cat! Just one little peek, Butters"
Butters looked down, hoping that he wouldn't regret what he saw.
"Ok…here I go…" Butters took a quick peek and screamed.
"AHHH! OH MY GOD IT'S…a puddle?"
Butters laughed when he realized that he freaked out over seeing a little pool of water.
"Wow, no wonder my parents still make me go to bed at seven, even though I'm 15! I'm such a baby!" Just as Butters was stepping out of the puddle, he realized that the water was a crimson red.
"Red water…that's weird. Usually water is clear. I wonder why…" Butters looked to his left and noticed the cold, limp body of his former friend, Tweek.
"AHHHHH! AHHHHH! OH MY GOD! HOLY HECK!" Butters screamed.
As Butters was running away, two figures jumped out of a tree. One was a brunette with a red coat, and the other had black hair and blue coat.
"C-CRAIG AND CLYDE?"
The two zombies glared at Butters and growled.
"FELLAS! FELLAS! IT'S ME, BUTTERS!" the blonde screamed. It didn't convince the two zombies.
Just when Butters thought that it couldn't get any worse, Tweek came up from behind him and began to strangle him.
"AHHHH!" Butters yelled.
Clyde than began to beat him up as Craig was looking for a weapon to kill him with.
He then, out of pure instinct Butters kicked Clyde in the um…yeah.
Clyde moaned in pain and fell to the floor, dead. Tweek and Craig just stared in shock and now prepared to kill the short blonde boy.
"So in order to kill the male zombie's, you have to kick them in the balls." Butters thought to himself. Just as he was about to kill the other two, he realized that they weren't going to let him off the hook that easily. "Oh, hamburgers."
"So you want to fight, zombies? Give me your best shot!" Butters challenged.
Craig, who was now charging at Butters, drew back his fist and punched.
Butters, who had dodged the punch in the nick of time, was slightly traumatized, but managed to retaliate with a roundhouse-kick to the face, taking out Tweek, too.
Craig, whose face was now cascading blood, stumbled backwards. However, he quickly recovered and reverse punched Butters, making him fall to the ground, bloody and helpless. Craig than quickly picked up a pointed rock and held it over Butters' head.
"Goodbye, Butters." He mumbled lifelessly.
"NO!" Butters screeched, but it was too late.
~.~
Damien and Wendy appeared on the main road in South Park.
"So where are these zombies?" Wendy asked.
"I don't know. I'm not going to look for them now, though; I have some business I have to take care of with the Merry Band of Idiots."
As if on cue, HOT SHEA walked out of the Starbucks that Damien and Wendy were standing in front of, each drinking a Frappuccino.
"So then, I told him, 'Hey, Aaron, dude, you're not cool just because you're holding a gun; put it down, man!'" Alexander Hamilton paused to take a sip of his wonderful Vanilla Bean-flavored drink.
"Oh! That's intense, yo!" King Henry VIII complemented.
"Yeah, it was. And you know what the asshole did after that; I'll tell you what he did after that, he shot me. Not in the head so I could die quickly and painlessly, oh, no. He shot me right in the ribs, so I would die slowly and painfully!"
"Wow…" Saddam Hussein muttered.
"…And that is why T.J and I hate him so much!" Alex exclaimed while giving T.J. a fist-bump.
"Yeah! But, um…correction, dude. I actually hate him because…"
"HEY! MORONS!" Damien yelled from a few feet away.
The members of HOT SHEA turned around to see an angry Son of Satan.
"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS? CAN'T YOU DO ANYTHING RIGHT?" Damien yelled, his eyes blazing red.
"Of course we can do things right!" exclaimed Saddam. "We braid each other's hair all the time at the clubhouse, and it always comes out perfect!"
"Shhh!" interjected Osama. "That was supposed to be a secret!"
"Oh, Oops…"
"WHY ARE YOU ALL SUCH GIRLY MEN?" said Damien.
"Oh, be nice." defended Wendy. "They're trying...I think..."
"Yeah, listen to your girlfriend! We're trying!" Elvis exclaimed.
That was Damien's last straw. He held out his finger and poked Elvis, summoning demon minions that immediately dragged him back to Hell.
The HOT SHEA's stared wide-eyed at Damien. King Henry VIII was the first to speak.
"OH NICE GOING, YO! NOW WE'RE JUST HOT SHA! NOT NEARLY AS EPIC YO, FO'REALZ!"
"Do you want to go back too?"
"NO! NO, NO, NO! HOT SHEA? PSHH, THAT WAS SO 3 SECODS AGO! HOT SHA'S WHATS COOL NOW!"
Damien smirked, "Good, I thought so."
T.J. smile nervously, "Um, yeah. And we can always go back to being HOT SHEA if-"
"When." interrupted Damien.
"WHEN we go back to Hell. No hard feelings, right guys?" said TJ good-naturedly.
The members of HOT SHA mumbled a mixture of responses.
"Guys! We can argue about this later, but we need to stop some zombies now!" Wendy interrupted.
"Yeah!" agreed Damien. "I'm going to have to give you all guns in order for you to defend those who haven't already transformed. Can I trust you with them?"
"Yes." They all replied in unison.
He looked to one of the men in a powdered wig. "Even you, Alex? Promise not to throw away shots?"
"I was an accomplished general in the army before that, you know!" he retaliated.
"Pssh, whatever. Hey, where's Wendy?"
Everyone looked around and shrugged. They hadn't realized that amongst their arguing, Wendy had left them to help the people who were left.
~.~
Cartman was at his computer, playing World of Warcraft when a man burst through his window.
"Hello, sir! I'm Alex! I am here to protect you from the Zombie Apocalypse!" Alex exclaimed.
Cartman stared at the Alex for a moment, than snorted. "Uh…Zombie Apocalypse? Yeah, ok. Lay off the beer, dude."
Alex glared.
"Dude, you look like you just stepped out of the 1700s and went to Disney World!"
"Hey! That's mean! Just because it's kind of true, doesn't mean you point it out!"
Cartman began to laugh. "Dude, that's so gay! Look at your outfit! A powdered wig and leg breeches? You're such a pansy!"
"Excuse me! The bitches love my breeches."
Cartman facepalmed. "Please, you're not really from the 1700s."
"Yes I am!"
"Yeah, right. You're probably one of those cosplayers from Comic-Con!"
"I'm Alexander Hamilton!"
"Oh! I know who you are! You're that guy who's brain got blasted by a vice-president in a fight."
"Ugh, he shot me in the ribs during a duel!"
"Whatever man. That's even worse."
"Fine, whatever, I'm out of here. I didn't want to defend you anyway. PEACE!" Alex yelled while jumping out the window.
"Pssh…like there's really zombies that he can protect me from."
Just then, Cartman's bedroom door burst open and Butters walked in. However, he was looking much paler than usual.
"Uh…Butters?"
"Brains…I need Brains…"
"So that Alexander Hamilton guy was real?…oh crap."
~.~
"Alright! Spike the ball!" Randy yelled to himself.
He then dashed to the other side of the ping-pong table.
"NO! THEY SPIKED IT! WE LOOOOSSSSTTTTT!" Randy exclaimed after losing against himself in ping-pong.
"Gee, this running around a ping-pong table is sure making me tired. I'm going to drink some beer!"
Randy went to the refrigerator, grabbed a beer, and chugged it. He then began to feel lightheaded.
"Ah, much better."
Just then, Adolf Hitler appeared in front of the half-drunk man. "Hallo Randy."
Randy, who was slightly dazed at the moment, looked up. "Aww man! I'm totally wasted right now!"
Hitler scratched his head. "Es gibt einen Zombie-Invasion und ich…"
"Dude, I don't speak Japanese. Want to play ping-pong?"
Hitler shrugged.
"Alright!"
30 minutes later…
"Ja! Ich gewinne wieder!" Hitler exclaimed.
"No fair dude, you cheated!"
"Nein!"
"Yeah-huh!"
Then, Hitler and Randy heard banging at the window.
"What's that?" Randy asked.
Hitler gulped.
The window the suddenly shattered, revealing an angry Zombie Cartman.
"Gwahhh! What's going on here?"
"Brains…" Cartman mumbled, inching closer to Randy.
"Uh,uh, nice fat kid…um…zombie…"
Cartman began to charge toward him, but suddenly stopped when he saw his idol.
"H-Hitler..?"
"Ah ... hallo?"
Cartman then began to bow down to the German dictator. "Meine ganze Existenz ist dein, guter Herr!"
Hitler slightly disturbed by the fat boy's behavior, vanished into thin air.
Cartman, spell on him broken, began, once again, to charge toward Randy.
"AHHHH!"
Cartman, who was now on top of the terrified man, punched him in the face.
"STOP! STOP!"
By now, Randy's face was a waterfall of blood. He had a broken nose, lost almost half of his teeth, and had a broken eye socket.
Despite his pleads, however, Cartman didn't stop. He continually punched the man's face until he heard the cracking of his weakened skull.
"Brains…" Cartman muttered and began to eat the brain of who once was Randy Marsh.
~.~
"STOP! STOP!" Shelly, who was upstairs in her room, heard Randy yell from the basement.
"Ugh…shut up, dad, I'm on Facebook!"
The yelling ceased.
"Thank God." Shelly mumbled to herself.
Saddam then popped up in the middle of the room. "Here I am! I'm Saddam!"
Shelly blankly stared at him. "Uh…really?"
"Yeah!"
"Wait…weren't you killed by a pack of wild boars 7 years ago?"
"…And your point is?"
Shelly rolled her eyes. "Well you're supposed to be dead!"
"Yeah, so?"
"Never mind."
"Well ok then! It was nice talking to you! I'll just be watching from outside."
"Watching what?"
"Noth-ing"
"Uh, ok then. Bye"
Saddam then jumped out of the window.
Shelly turned back to her computer, only to hear banging at her door.
"Oh my God, dad! What do you want?"
Cartman then burst through the door.
"AHH! Fat turd? I mean…Eric? Is that you?"
Cartman growled in response an began to attack the brunette.
"AHH!"
Just when Shelly thought that it couldn't get any worse, Zombie Kenny broke open the window and entered the girl's bedroom.
"Aww, dammit! This always happens when I go on Facebook!"
~.~
Ike Broflovski was reading The Hunger Games when the phone rang.
"I'll get it!" he yelled.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Ike. It's Dennis."
"Hi Dennis. What's up?"
"Well, there's kind of a zombie attack going on right now."
"WHAT? Are you sure?"
"Uh…yeah. I'm watching my mom get eaten alive right now."
"Is this a practical joke or something?"
"No actually I'm running out of my house right now because the zombies finished off my mom."
"Uh…ok?"
"Yeah, I'm going to be losing service soon and I should probably drop the phone, so get your family and run!"
"Alright."
"See you later, Ike!"
"Bye, Dennis."Ike said as he hung up the phone. He then walked over to his window and looked outside, only to see zombies wandering around his front yard.
"Yeah. This is definitely a zombie invasion."
Ike then turned around to leave, when he saw the figure of the 3rd President of the United States sitting on his bed.
"Uh…aren't you Thomas Jefferson?"
T.J. turned to look at the boy. "Yes, yes I am, but you can call me T.J."
"Ok. Um…are you here to help me with the zombie invasion?"
"Yeah…but how did you know?"
"My friend called me."
T.J. chuckled. "You know, in the old days, we didn't have fancy telephones."
"Uh…yeah, I figured. The telephone wasn't invented until 1875."
"Oh, yeah...you're right."
"By the way, you sound like my mom when you say that."
"Say what?"
"That 'in the old days' crap."
"Oh."
"Anyway, I need to warn my family about the zombie invasion."
"I will help you!"
"Ok."
"I'll look for my brother, and you look for my dad!"
"ALRIGHT! HOT SHEA UNITE!"
"…What?"
"Never mind."
T.J. and Ike looked long and hard for Kyle and Mr. Broflovski, but their attempts were futile.
"Well, I guess we'll just have to tell my mom. I think she's downstairs."
Ike and T.J. walked down the stairs and into the kitchen, where the saw Mrs. Broflovski cooking dinner.
"Hey, mom? There's a zombie invasion going on right now, and I can't find Kyle or dad. We need to leave. No need to worry, though. We have Thomas Jefferson to help us!"
Mrs. Broflovski paused for a moment. "It's ok bubbeleh, they won't hurt us." She then turned around, and when she did, Ike realized that she, too, was a zombie.
"Oh my God, T.J., what are we going to do?"
T.J. thought for a moment, then remembered that Damien had given him a gun.
"Oh, I know what to do!" T.J. then pulled out the gun. "If only I knew how to work this thing."
"You don't know how to use a gun? Give it to me, then!"
"No, no. It's better for me to shoot it then a mere 10-year-old child."
Shelia inched closer to them.
"JUST SHOOT ALREADY!"
"OK! I'LL TRY!" T.J. closed his eyes, and with shaking hands, raised the gun. "ASTA LA VISTA, BABY!" he shot the gun. "AH!" he cried in a high-pitched voice when the shot was fired. Unfortunately, the gun shifted when he screamed.
"OW! You shot me in the foot!" Ike cried.
"Oh, crap."
"Now I can't even run from the zombies."
"Um…I'm sorry?"
"Well what are you going to do about it?"
"I don't know."
"Well you aren't going to just leave me here to die, right?"
"Um…"
~.~
"Luke, I am your father!" Darth Vader said from the TV.
"I knew it!" Kevin Stoley exclaimed.
"Dude, can we please finish the math project now? It's due tomorrow!"
"Jeez, calm down Kyle. We still have the rest of the night. You can sleep over, if you want."
"It's already midnight!"
Kevin turned to look at the clock, only to read:
12:00 AM.
"Oops..."
"Whatever, dude. At this point I would rather just fail. I'll see you tomorrow, Kevin."
"Wait, I'm sorry! Come ba-…Hey, there's someone coming through the window!"
"Yeah, right."
"N-No I'm serious and it looks like…Shelly Marsh?"
Kyle, who was standing just outside the door, rolled his eyes. "Ok, really? How stupid do you think I am? Why would Stan's sister of all people show up at your house?"
"I don't know dude…it's actually kind of creeping me out."
"Whatever. Anyway, speaking of sisters, where's your sister?"
Kevin thought for a moment. "Hey, now that you mentioned it, I haven't seen Esther all day."
"Oh, well that's nice! You didn't' text her or anything?"
"No…"
"Well I'm leaving now, see you tomorrow."
"Shelly is growling and inching closer to me! I think that's bad!"
Kyle sighed. "It's not nice to compare Stan's sister to Jabba the Hut. Even if he doesn't like her too much, and she does kind of look like him, he'll still punch you in the face if he hears you."
"I'm not! She really is! And she's green!"
"Dude, I'm leaving. Goodnight."
"But Kyle, she's-"
"GOODNIGHT!" Kyle yelled as he slammed the door.
(Outside)
"Jesus Christ! Remind me never to pick Kevin as a partner ever again." Kyle muttered darkly.
"AHHHH! SHE'S RIPPING ME APART! KYLE, HELP!"
Kyle, who was now outraged by the Star Wars nerd, kicked a rock out of sheer rage. He watched the rock roll to the end of the sidewalk. As he walked over to grab it, another pair of hands picked it up and held it out to him.
"I think this is yours, Kyle."
Kyle took the rock from the person and as he did, looked to see who it was. When he identified the person, he gasped.
"W-Wendy?"
Wendy smiled. "Hey Kyle. Wow, you seem a lot more…angry…then you did last time I saw you."
Kyle, who was still a bit flabbergasted, ignored her. "Are you a…ghost?"
Wendy laughed. "Well, yeah, I guess you can say that."
"Oh. Well uh, cool."
"Yeah. Anyway, I'm not here to scare you, well not this time at least, I'm here to defend you from zombies."
Kyle's eyes doubled in size. "Wait, zombies?"
"Yeah. I should have known no one would have realized it yet, even though almost everyone has already been transformed… It is South Park." Replied Wendy.
"Wait… is that what Kevin meant while I was-"
"Yes."
"Oops. Uh," Kyle raised his voice in the hopes that Kevin would be able to hear him inside the house. "Sorry for accidentally turning you into a zombie, Kevin!"
The only response he got was a muttering of…well…
You know.
Kyle winced.
Wendy rolled her eyes and let out an exasperated sigh. "Come on. Zombies aren't very fast moving, but they'll attack and transform you if you give them the chance- which most of the town has already done. So, move, before Kevin and whoever transformed him-"
"Shelly." Kyle interrupted her rant.
"I don't care! Now let's just move before-"
The front door fell off its hinges as a barrage of zombies tried to clobber through it at one time.
"…Too late."
~.~
"Hmm…" Pip Pirrup mumbled to himself. "I must inquire as to where Butters has run off to. He seemed so promising as a friend, but he seems to have just disappeared. Oh, well, I guess I must start heading home now, old chap."
"Yo, little bro, who you talkin' to so late in the eve-nizen?"
Pip was about to question this gangster of a man and what he was doing following him so late in the 'eve-nizen' when he realized the man was actually-
"OH MY!" Pip gasped. "It's the good sir King Henry VIII. What, as a humble peasant, may I do for you?"
"Well," began Henry, "There's a zombie attack, and I've been sent to help you, man. Just come and follow me to our meeting place, brah, I'm sure almost everyone else is already there with their charges."
"Oh, well, of course. It's not like they would leave them out here unsafe from zombies!"
"Exactly what I was thinking! So come on, little man!"
They then walked off into the distance, blissfully unaware of what utter jackasses their counterparts were.
~.~
"Run." Wendy said, thinking quickly and pulling Kyle along with her. "We agreed to meet at the old elementary school, seeing as it was the landmark most of us knew."
"You mean you brought other people from heaven with you?" Kyle said, eyes gleaming with hope. "Did you bring Kenny? My grandma? God?"
Wendy, knowing there was no way to brush this off, said, "Um, not heaven, per se… actually, more like the opposite of heaven…"
"You mean, you went to hell? Oh, Wendy, what happened?" Kyle said sympathetically.
"No, no. It's all good. The food's decent, the people are interesting, the lines are atrocious. I guess it figures when the only people actually going to heaven are Mormons, though."
Kyle shot her an odd look.
"You'll understand later. Actually, you probably won't, but no matter. We have Satan, some historical figures that you no doubt know who they are, and the exceptionally hot and delicious Damien."
"Um, ok, more information then I needed…"
"Oh, sorry, we just started dating. Don't tell Stan, he might get jealous." Wendy said seriously.
"No promises."
"Thanks…"
"Anyway," Kyle said, trying to get the conversation back on track… or at least in the basic range of the track, "What about Kenny?"
"He was the original zombie."
Kyle's eyes widened. "WHAT?"
"Long story. Basically, misadventures in spell casting. Anyway, we're almost here. If we have time with the rest of the group, I'll try to answer your questions."
~.~
"Well," shouted Ike, on the verge of hysteria, breaking TJ's thoughts. "Are you going to leave me to die or not?"
With a determined look on his face, TJ responded. "Of course not. Grab my hand."
Without a word, Ike did as he was told.
And they disappeared into thin air.
~.~
"Hopefully," Satan sighed, "They got most of the population who was still alive to the safe location. Now where is that reversal spell?"
"Um…It's in here, somewhere." Damien answered, pointing to a large, ancient spell book. At his father's annoyed look, he continued. "Why do you think it took me so long to find the zombie spell? You have a ton of old, evil books, written in Latin, for some reason, and mixed in with your back orders of Women's Health magazine!"
Satan was about to protest, but felt it might not be a good idea to anger his son at the moment. "…I don't suppose you remember the page?…"
"You're lucky I remember the book."
"…Oh, swell. This is going to be a great night." Satan said sarcastically, rubbing his large forehead.
~.~
Landing in the now fenced off area of the elementary school playground, Ike and TJ soon realized they were the last to arrive.
Kyle, seeing his believed to be dead brother, quickly ran across the playground's length and embraced him. "Ike!" "Kyle!" they said in unison.
A similar scene was happening between the death-long bros, Alex and TJ.
"Ok," Wendy interrupted said reunion scenes. "TJ, Henry, and I were the only three able to recover our victims. What happened, you guys? How do we only have three people left in a town population of at least a thousand?"
Osama was the first to pipe up.
"Satan thought it would be best if I laid low." He began. "My death was pretty…celebrated… and recent, so he thought I would end up scaring people away or something."
Wendy considered. "Fair enough. Hitler?"
He mumbled something in German as a response.
"What do you mean, the fat kid freaked you out?" TJ quickly translated for all present.
Hitler retaliated with more German ramblings.
"You got distracted playing ping-pong and he came right at you?" TJ said incredulously.
Before it could get into an all-out brawl between the two 'gang' members, Wendy mediated. "Ok. It's ok, Hitler, we understand. No need to get your panties in a wad." She then turned on Alex, who was sitting nearby chuckling. "And what do you have to say for yourself, huh?"
Alex gave her an angry look. "I refused to help that ungrateful brat of a human being. He deserved whatever horrible death he got, if he treated most of the people in his life half as bad as he treated me when I was honestly trying to save him."
"You left him to die? You didn't even try to save him? Yeah, he's an ass, but Cartman could have-"
"Wait, wait." Kyle inturrupted. "You left Cartman to die a brutal death heavily involving zombies? This man deserves a medal."
Alex smirked.
"Hell, if I ever find a time machine, I'll kill Aaron Burr's mother during chilhood so he may never be born. That is what a man of your level of awesome deserves for such a feat."
"Stop encouraging him!" Wendy said before he could go any further. "Saddam, what about you?"
Saddam shrugged. "I dunno. I hadn't seen anyone die in a little while, and I was in the mood."
Wendy facepalmed. "I should have expected as much…" she looked around the room. "Now, we have three young boys left out of the population, two of which are brothers. Let's hope Satan and Damien find that spell."
~.~
"I still can't believe you said 'fish.'…"
"Shut up!" The very much on edge son of Satan said. Sighing and changing the subject before his father could berate him on his rude behavior, he continued, "It was in the last quarter or so of the book, now that I think about it."
"Gee, thanks…" said Satan, continuing on to the last quarter of the thousand-plus page book.
~.~
"Alright," Said Osama, breaking the long silence. "Who wants to play truth or dare? I have some really great dares up my sleeve!"
The remaining members of HOT SHEA collectively squealed, while the rest of the party groaned.
However, none of them got the chance to go on, as the zombies tried to break down their makeshift barriers.
~.~
"I found it!" Satan shouted victoriously.
"You did?" asked Damien. "Great! Say it quickly, before something bad happens to the remaining members!"
~.~
The members of the group apt with using guns blindly shot into the crowd.
"Damien and Satan better find that spell soon! We can't hold them off much longer!"
~.~
"Get rid illorum freaking zombies iam!" Satan began the fateful incantation, making it descend over the entirety of Sotuh Park. "They es questus molestus, cum amore et cerebellis drooling et mactatis? Deus meus, veniat ad me et custodiunt illud 'volo vestri caput! Date eam iam! Nolo tibi anima mea! Nolo autem vos subire vim, vel! Amputa eam! Est quodam" He said, finishing with the last fateful word. "...crassum."
~.~
The members of the group heaved a collective sigh as they're zombified friends, townsmen, and otherwise human counterparts began to return to their normal selves. And most were all safe from the gunshots, all except for-
"Oh my God!" said Stan. "You killed Kenny!"
"I guess we're bastards." Responded Kyle.
"We thought you were all gone for good!" Pip shouted to the group at large.
"What do you mean? And why am I here?" Mr. Garrison successfully spoke out all of the crowd's collective thoughts.
"Yo, you were all fo' seriously turned into zombies, dudes and dudettes." Said King Henry.
"Dude, what a douchebag." Cartman brushed off.
"Oh, no, good sirs and ladies." Said Pip. "You really were all zombies. And you were saved by-"
"Wait, Wendy?" Stan cut off. "You're not dead? Does that mean we can get back together?"
Before she could respond, the sight of the object of her affections cut her off. "DAMIEN!" She said, running towards him.
"WENDY!" He responded, taking her into his arms and spinning her around before they each composed themselves.
"…I guess that's a 'no,' then…" Stan answered his own question.
"Well," Satan said, "we really should be going, now. In hindsight, we really shouldn't have even stayed long enough for those that were zombified to have seen those who had died, but… that's a different story for a different time."
As the members of Hell descended into dark oblivion, the population of South Park began the trek to their respective houses.
Stan and Kyle smiled at each other, each sensing the others thoughts.
Just an average evening in South Park.
~.~
A/N: Wow, you read that whole thing? Good for you!
We'd love some constructive criticism (aka- a review would mean a lot to us!).
Thanks so much for reading!