inspired by the original Skippy's List!
title inspired by The Princess Bride!
italics = strikethrough
I, Sam Alexander, alias Nova, the undersigned, do hereby agree to abide by the following list of rules and regulations to the best of my ability, and understand that I am...
1. not allowed to fly indoors
a. even if Aunt May Mrs. Parker Aunt May is not present
2. not allowed to wear shoes inside
3. not allowed to cook after everyone is asleep
a. must not cook between the hours of one o'clock and three o'clock in the morning
4. not allowed to use my powers to light the stove
a. or birthday candles, because taking the time to find a lighter is better than getting soaked by the sprinklers again
b. or the fireplace
c. or anything that doesn't belong to me
d. even in the name of science
5. not allowed to hide Ironfist's meditation candles because they make me sneeze. White Tiger will find them and she will make me regret it
6. not allowed to pretend to be electrocuted whenever i touch a power outlet
7. not allowed to touch a power outlet with anything that doesn't belong in a power outlet
8. not allowed to ask Ironfist to predict the weather through the mystic arts of meteorology
a. even if i use the word "meteorology" correctly
9. not allowed to touch, wear, or alter Powerman's shoe collection. seriously, don't do it
10. not allowed to play more than three hours of video games at a time because that's hogging the tv
a. exception: unless Parker is playing too
11. not allowed to bribe White Tiger into doing my homework
12. not allowed to pretend to be illiterate so White Tiger does my homework in frustration
13. not allowed to wear the same shirt for more than three days in a row out of respect for White Tiger's sensitive and advanced sense of smell
14. not allowed to wear anyone else's clothes without express permission
a. must be express permission from the actual owner of said clothes
15. not allowed to ask Parker if he's so pale because he does no sports at the dinner table. this is a rude dinner table conversational topic
a. it is insensitive and inappropriate. it also disregards hours of daily parkour and aracnobatics from skyscrapers
16. not allowed to talk about Principal Agent Coulson in Aunt May's presence
a. must not question this weird rule that Parker added to the List
17. not allowed to write falsified love letters between MJ Watson and Parker. it is a legitimate crime to impersonate someone else
18. get down from there immediately
19. not allowed to gift anyone with a label maker
a. must not use a label maker unless given permission to by White Tiger
20. not allowed to ship my teammates
a. must not ship my teammates with each other
21. not allowed to express my latent artistic abilities in sharpie on people's bodies
a. apply Rule 14
22. not allowed to plagiarize
23. not allowed to build anatomically detailed snowmen
24. not allowed to ride on Powerman's shoulders unless we're in the yard because Aunt May fears we will knock over her bookshelf again
25. not allowed to hang paintings in the house without adult supervision
a. i am not an adult
b. neither is Powerman
c. even together we don't qualify as adults
d. must not invite Principle Agent Coulson over. refer to Rule 16
26. not allowed to use the landline to summon the Avengers. this is a restricted frequency and Captain Rogers has better things to do
27. not allowed to practice interpretive dance movements in front of the tv when a game is on
28. go to sleep, already
29. not allowed to readjust my costume to better fit Darth Vader
a. especially if it's part of an impersonation effort
b. refer to Rule 17
30. not allowed to pretend I'm allergic to Parker's nerdiness
a. nor his neediness
31. not allowed to do my own homework or any of the household chores
32. not allowed to alter the List in anyway
33. not allowed to talk to Earthen raccoons. i am well-aware that Rocket Raccoon is not a raccoon, as well as that raccoons do not play with instruments of mass destruction, and i must not insinuate either
34. not allowed to look at MJ like that ever again
35. the neighbors have a tabby cat
a. it's not a Loth cat
b. it's not a Flerken
36. not allowed to ask where the other two-thirds of White Tiger's personality are
37. not allowed to ask how White Tiger and Ironfist aren't all over each other by now
a. refer to Rule 20
b. this does not count as a double negative and i still must not ship by teammates
38. not allowed to wear swim trunks unless swimming soon
a. it's called "walking," not "swimming vertically"
39. not allowed to feed White Tiger nothing but fish. she is not actually a tiger
40. not allowed to purchase anything as expensive as a car — or a car itself — for Aunt May, because I don't technically have a credit card
41. not allowed to insinuate that there is anything but love in my delicious homemade brownies
42. not allowed to blame teammates for my own pranks
43. not allowed to take credit for pranks that were not by me
44. not allowed to eat ice cream out of the container
a. must not drink juice out of the jug or milk out of the carton
45. not allowed to bring a trampoline inside
a. not allowed to enjoy a trampoline that has been mysteriously brought inside
46. not allowed to falsely label sunscreen on beach day because Parker and Ironfist will burn like eggs on a sidewalk
a. refer to Rule 19
b. must use a plate if cooking eggs on a sidewalk
47. not allowed to bestow the title of "Team Mom" to White Tiger
a. it's Ironfist and we all know that
48. not allowed to take videos of White Tiger and upload them as Cat Videos
49. not allowed to haze Parker. he is older in age, more familiar with the hero gig, and doing us a favor by letting us live in his house
50. we are an operatives team affiliated with SHIELD. we are not a "boss squad"
a. yes. yes, we are
i thought that this would be a nice reintroduction to Ultimate Spider-Man! :)
hopefully you find this as enjoyable and unique as i do!