New Moon, but better, a twilight fanfic

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Twilight series.

Hi! I'm Bella Swan! I'm pretty, and perfect, and pale, and pretty, and skinny, and have a gorgeous boyfriend, and every boy at school loves me. I'm perfectly smart, (even if I never act that way) and I'm all over, perfect!

It was my birthday, and I met Eddypoo at his house with all his hot brothers, and dad! (Swoon.) "Hey, Bella!" Alice and Esme smiled.

"Hey, Bella," Emmett, Carlisle, and Jasper cringed away from me.

"Bella, this time could you not nearly kill my whole family? Oh and I want my car back. Stop selling my stuff on Ebay could you?" Rosalie hated me. She always hated me! Because I was prettier and she couldn't stand it!

I started crying. "Eddypoo! Rosalie is being mean to me!" I cried, stomping my feet with angry prettiness (because I'm pretty).

"Shut up!" Emmett begged.

"So what did you get me?" I asked.

"Oh yeah! Look! It's the most expensive necklace I could find!" Alice showed me.

"I spent my last life's savings on this new car radio!" Emmett ran outside to install it.

"I got you plain tickets to see your mommy!" Esme and Carlisle showed me.

I looked at the gifts with Bambi eyes. "B-But?" my lip started quivering. "But I wanted real estate," I whined. "That's it. I'm going emo," I spat, grabbing a piece of paper. "I shall die, Eddypoo, for you! *Or your hot brothers.*" I sliced my pinky with the paper and screamed. "Ow! Eddypoo! Why did you let that happen? Oh I hate you! Alice is short, Jasper is blond, Rosalie is herself, Emmett is dumb, Carlisle is gay, and Esme is…is your mom!" I cried.

All the vampires went berserk. "Please Edward! Let me kill her? Please!" they begged, reaching for me.

"No," he said firmly.

"My hero!" I sighed, play fainting.

"After all the crap she's put me through, I'm going to be the one who kills here. Got it?" The Cullens pouted.

"You suck. You know what Eddypoo? You should die in a hole because you smell! I'm leaving now! How dare you give me expensive stuff!" And I ran outside to the car, took my handy dandy sludge hammer that I always have in my glove compartment and began smashing the radio. "Die! Die! Die!"

"Bella! You maniac! You broke it!"

I started wailing on cue. "Aah! Eddypoo is yelling at me! I hate my life!"

"You know what Bella? That's it! This book sucks. I'm leaving! And I'm taking my car with me!"

"What? But you can't just leave me here all alone? Who will I spend hundreds of pages swooning over?" I chased him back to the house.

"I don't know. I don't care."

"But there'll be no good looking people left but me! And I can't swoon over myself! Even I'd get bored."

"Besides, I spent the whole last book telling you about how I would leave, and I have a hot date with a Norwegian Vampire anyway…or was it Swedish? So I'm heading off to Norway. Good bye Bella. Try to kill yourself before I get back so the series can end, okay?"

"But Edward…I'm pretty! Fine! I'll just wallow in self misery!"

[Edited for long boring self misery, emo moments.]

"Hey Bella!" Ew,iIt was that ugly boy who was always trying to be nice to me. Creeper. "Is there anything I can do? The books really boring when the narrator is such an emo."

"You don't like it? You can leave. You're too ugly for someone as pretty as me to talk to anyway." I stuck my tongue out at him. "I'm going to go hang out with other legendary animals in the form of hot boys."

"You mean Shark Boy?" Mike asked.

"Shut up! His past is behind him okay? Can't he learn to dream too? Or are scum like you so intent upon the destruction of all that is good and true in the world? You are the Emperor in the Luke Skywalker of my life! The cop to my mob! FBI to my drug dealers! Voldemort to my Harry! And," I started crying. "The James to my murderous, psychotic, former Huffelpuffian, undead, stalker, manipulative, jerk of an ex-boyfriend!"

"Sorry, you lost me at 'destruction of all that is good'." He was eating a hot dog. "You're really boring Bella. Why are you so boring?" And he walked away with Jessica.

"Note to self. Mike gets a death note."

"Hey Bella!" Jacob smiled. "Guess what, I'm a werewolf! Want to go hang out with my hairy, huge, smelly, obnoxious friends who tried to kill your ex-boyfriend twenty times?"

"Uh…okay!"

The reservation was big and full of hairy men, and hairy women. "Hey dawg!" Jacob yelled, and everyone turned to wave.

"Hey dog!" I yelled to them, and they all beat me up with their freaky wolf magic. Stupid werewolves.

"So Bella." Sam invited Jacob's hairy friend and me to his house so they could stop me from bleeding to death. "I hear that crazy ginger vampire is after you again."

I started bawling again. "Wah! You're making fun of me! You think it's funny Eddypoo is gone!"

"No wonder the ginger wants to kill her…I kind of want to kill her, and I'm supposed to love her or something like that." Jacob stuffed a sock in my mouth.

"No, you're the pedophile who falls for her freak of a child," Sam told him.

"Oh right. *Freaking Stephanie Meyer.*"

"What about me? No one cares about ME!" Emily whined.

"Shut up!" One of the hairiest boys threw a frying pan at her head.

"No one likes you, because, unlike me, you aren't pretty." I smiled, prettily.

"I'll be back, and then I shall keel you all!" she shrieked, running away.

"Bella," the one with the name with the q somewhere in it said. "Here, drink this, it will help with your emo-ness."

"But I want to be emo! No one understands me!" I shrieked for a whole minute until they were able to shove a whole shoe in my mouth.

"It's made from Sharpie ink, cold medicine, vodka, tequila, crack, steroids, bleach, expired milk, spaghetti sauce that was growing eyes, human hair, and dirt." He started forces the goop down my throat.

"No! The only way to cure emo, is to feed her to Victoria."

"Make her live with the penguins for three years."

"Drive over her in a car."

"Cut her hair off."

"Let her wallow away in a corner until it rots on top of her."

"No." Billy's voice was hard, and wise. The kind you only get after years and years of wasting your life watching soaps and reruns of Opera and Ellen. "We must make her read fan fictions!" Everyone gasped. This was a cure saved only for the direst of circumstances. No one had ever lived through it.

"Yeah, that sounds like fun and all, but I'm going to leave!" I ran outside screaming, all the way up the cliffs. I had an idea. "Hey Indians!" I yelled in my most racist voice. "Look! I can be like you and play Pocahontas!"

"The Arizonian brat is going to kill herself when she jumps! Quick! Hurry back to the house and get a camera!" Billy yelled.

"For Eddypoo!" I yelled as I jumped, then realizing that there were sharp rocks at the bottom, and I started screaming. "Curse you Stephanie Meyer! How I hate thee!"

Luckily there were about twelve old ladies in their water aerobics class to break my fall. "Well that was fun." I shoved a little old ladies face into the water. "What's next?"

"Bella! Victoria's behind you! Swim towards her! It'll be great!" Emily called to me.

"She can't die Emily. If she does then you will too." Jacob told her.

"Swim away! Swim away!" she shrieked. But a little old lady with muscle shoved me under the water, and I passed out.

I woke up in my house. The hairy boys were sneaking tobacco from Charlie's stash. "Hey Bella, you're short vampire friend is here."

"Eddypoo?"

"No."

"His hot, buff brother?"

"No."

"The blond boy who makes me happy?"

"No."

"His hot dad?"

"No."

"Oh, well I don't care then." I fell back on the couch humming the tune from Blue's Clues.

"It's me, you idiot!" Alice slapped me across the face, making me cry.

"Ow-wa! What did you slap me for?"

"My idiot brother who likes you for some reason, saw me see you jump off the cliff and is going to "out-emo" you by letting some royal vampires kill him."

"So what am I supposed to do? I am a d-a-w-g now, fool." I did the peace sign.

"Get up Bella, we have to go stop him."

"But I'm sleeping!" I whined.

"I don't care."

[Meanwhile in Italy, where Edward is thinking…]

Sure is taking me a long time to tell the Vultori to kill me. Hey look! A butterfly. I think I shall chase it! Come here little butterfly! I will be your friend!

[Back to Bella and Alice who are boarding a plane because the other Cullens just wish Bella and Edward would hurry up and die.]

"So what have you been doing while I was wallowing in self misery?"

"Killing every brown haired, brown eyed, pale skinned, Arizonian, son of divorced parents I could find." We had boarded the plane to Italy.

"Ha ha. You're funny. I was really just spending all my time being pretty."

[Edited for non-stop yakking about "being pretty".]

When we finally reached Italy, it was almost noon. The worst possible time! Because I was hungry and needed to eat in order to stay so pretty!

We found Edward, lost, in some sewer, going crazy. "I'm here to spread joy to all the little children! The children! Are coming to play! And then die! When I kill them! With my butterfly!" he sang.

"Oh Eddypoo! Don't kill yourself! I'm alive!"

"Huh? You thought I wanted to kill myself because I thought you were dead. No! I just was tired of this book."

"You must see the Vultori now we know you have a human," Jane' s cold voice echoed.

"Will this book never end!"

[Edited for language and long boring stuff.]

The old vampire was all, "Ew!" And Bella was all, "Whoa! More hot people!" And the vampire was all, "I'm going to touch your hand." And Edward was all, "Oh crap, now I have to make her a vampire!" And Alice was all, "I'm leaving now."

And the reader was all… "Worst. Book. Ever. Of all time. Ever."

You know it's true. You know it is. You just wish it weren't but it beith truest and loudestith upon which thy window showith the truestith awesomenessticpower! (Which isn't a word but should be.)

Edited by Poseida Lunar

~Zombise8Me~