Disclaimer: For those among you who lack the virtue of common sense,
let me state that I claim no ownership, whether expressive or implicit, of
any copyrighted segments of The Lord of the Rings alluded to in this story.
Gimli: The Fool of Kings
Prologue In the Fourth Age of Middle Earth there reigned the noble but incredibly dim-witted dwarf lord Gimli who struggled to express complete supremacy over all the stones of those lands. Hidden deep in his imprentable quarry in Helm's Deep and protected by countless soldiers, Gimli was respected, loved by all the dwarves of Middle Earth. From this location he issued his commands with one goal in mind: steal all the world's pebbles.
Chapter One "Gimli, my lord the Messenger of Rohan has arrived and demands council with you immediately."
"Sproin Captain of the Guard, shove him to my chambers and I'll not deal with him."
As he waited for the unwelcome intruder, Gimli thought to himself that these caves were defintely too much hassel. All the members of the Fellowship were treated with great honor and received lands, riches clearly undeserving of their meager efforts while he, the great commander of the resistance, was rewarded with nothing. Now he didn't exactly ask Eomer the king of Rohan for permission to claim ownership of Helm's Deep but then again this was a guy who rode horses and thus did not deserve the grace of consideration. Until they dragged him out by his beard, Gimli figured he was going to stay here and hoard pebbles as he saw fit. After all, no dwarf should be without the gift of stone.
"Gimli, my name is Nigel and I bring word from Eomer that your occupation of these caves is without reason and outside the bounds of the laws of Rohan. Furthmore, you have been previously requested to leave such premises. Your failure to immediately remove your presence will constitute a declartion of war with the Riddermark."
Of course all Gimli understands is blah, blah, blah.
"So basically what you're telling me is that your giving me you're blessings and that you would love for me to stay here forever?"
"Absolutely not! I am saying no, leave!"
"No leave? So you must mean stay. Oh, joyous day!"
"With disrespect intended, you sir are an idiot."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah they all say that until they really hear me speak."
At this point Nigel decides that is was impossible to argue with such a foolish king and would have to make this even more simple.
"Lord, do you understand the word go?"
"Yes, or course. In my language go means stay and stay means go."
"Well, in that case, Eomer orders you to stay."
"Wonderful, but since Eomer speaks English and not Dwarf I will take his advice and not go anywhere."
Nigel is now thinking to himself why me and that he would cry if he had to debate with this dwarf fool even a second longer. Apparently, in Gimli's language everthing said translates into do whatever Gimli wants. Only in the dwarf's mind is everybody supposed to obey this supposed law of nature.
"Listen, I will not win this argument so I will announce to my king your resolve to trespass."
"Your right, you could never win a battle of wits with a genius as wise as myself. Because you have bored me terribly, I will give you five minutes to leave this place before I strip you of all stone or stone like possessions."
Nigel leaves Helm's Deep six minutes later (the dwarf guards force him to dump the tiny stone pebbles out of his boots which they gleefully bend over like it was gold) while Gimli contemplates his Eomer problem with Sproin.
"How do you think we could get Eomer to forget we're here and to mind his own business."
"As you know my lord, the caves of Helm Deep are his business."
"How do you figure that when he doesn't live here, we do."
"What I mean is that these caves rightfully belong to him as part of Rohan."
"Your logic is silly Sproin. Caves are owned by those who move into them and claim that they are theirs. Since I have done so, they are mine, all mine I say! If Eomer cared about his caves so much he would be living in them, not some stupid palace."
"Perhaps Gimli since Eomer does care that you living here against his will you could ask for his permission instead of fighting with all the messengers."
"No, I'll never ask him! I would much rather argue with his people instead. Besides its really fun."
"Perhaps a bribe instead then."
"Hmm, a bribe. . . interesting. Maybe we could send him one of our beautiful maidens."
"Ummm, no. I don't think that he likes our short, stouty women. Sending Eomer one would only cause him to instantly wage war, not give us the caves."
"Oh, I didn't know that Eomer was gay."
"He isn't. It's just that Eomer prefers human women over our dwarves and would take such a gift as an insult. Perhaps a different offering would be better."
Gimli decides that a bribe is indeed the best course of action and tries to think of something suitable to please King Eomer. After several hours he comes up with his genius idea and summons his court to ask their opinion.
"I've got it! The perfect gift! A rock! One that is round! A round rock! YEAAA!"
The various dwarves murmur their approval of their leader's creativity and ability to understand what humans truly want, but one young dwarf speaks against this idea. His name is Wapo, Chief of the Rock Rollers. From the crowd of submissive servants, the master craftsman of all circle stones both big and small approaches his king in a timid fashion and kneels before the great marble throne.
"State your business, said Sproin."
"Gimli, my name is Wapo your most faithful of workers but I must advise against this plan."
Gimli asks "Why is that? Do you dare to question my unparalled insight and intellect?"
"Please forgive me, but the Horse lord does not want a stone. Although a treasure to you, it is junk to him."
The king bellows "TREASON! Off with his beard! Off with his beard!"
The crowd applauses this decision but one dwarf suggests hard labor in a garden as punishment. The entire time Wapo is crying and begging for mercy for his beloved beard to be spared. However, the dwarves are angered that one of their kind would actually have an opinion of his own instead of relying entirely on Giml's spoken word. They are clamoring for Wapo's shave and seemed as if they could not easily be calmed until Gimli could be heard calling for silence. The hall is instantly quiet.
"Wapo explain your comment for an incorrect answer will surely cost your facial hair."
"My kind master, instead of reducing your hoard of the earth to tempt an ignorant man who could never understand the generosity and significance of your gift, why don't you send another item, one of more value in terms of their money which will not distract you from your ultimate goal."
Gimli thinks for a moment and asks "What would you suggest?"
"We have access to many jewels during our conquest of rocks, so why not those?"
Gimli, a dwarf obsessed with nothing but the substance of mountains repeats the word aloud "Jewels" and contorts his face into an expression of pure disgust. Jewels were readily available but they were of little value to him or the other dwarves and were given out to children as little more than cheap trinkets.
"Yes, that is an excellant idea," said Gimli. "Let the foolish men and their king take our trash in exchange for these fine caverns. As for you, Wapo, you will receive the greatest reward that any would hope for-you will receive the honor of hard work in the stone mines."
At this statement, the now very envied dwarf cried out with glee "This is the happiest day of my life."
"Gimli announced, let all dwarves know my declaration: No longer will Eomer of Rohan oppress our kind or my free control of Helm's Deep, to be known hereafter as Gimli's Grottoes. These caves will now belong to its rightful keepers and the many pebbles contained within will soon be safe in my treasury."
Gimli sends his swiftest runner to announce to Eomer his intentions who, being of legendary dwarf speed, returns only three months later to bear the good tidings that Eomer agrees to the terms of the arrangement, seven chests of jewels to compsensate for his loss of Gimli's Grottoes to the dwarves as well as the added bonus of the right to collect all pebbles located on the grounds of Rohan (needless to say Gimli sends all his servants on this extremely important mission).
Also, after the trade is completed, Gimli's admiration in the eyes of his people is increased tenfold for he has proven his success as a brilliant politician of no equal. Unfortunately, the achievement of obtaining the land necessary for Gimli to begin his kingdom only further motivates him to reach his goal of total stone domination. As such, he turns his eyes to the great stone works of Aragorn's Gondor.
To be continued in Chapter Two. . .
Gimli: The Fool of Kings
Prologue In the Fourth Age of Middle Earth there reigned the noble but incredibly dim-witted dwarf lord Gimli who struggled to express complete supremacy over all the stones of those lands. Hidden deep in his imprentable quarry in Helm's Deep and protected by countless soldiers, Gimli was respected, loved by all the dwarves of Middle Earth. From this location he issued his commands with one goal in mind: steal all the world's pebbles.
Chapter One "Gimli, my lord the Messenger of Rohan has arrived and demands council with you immediately."
"Sproin Captain of the Guard, shove him to my chambers and I'll not deal with him."
As he waited for the unwelcome intruder, Gimli thought to himself that these caves were defintely too much hassel. All the members of the Fellowship were treated with great honor and received lands, riches clearly undeserving of their meager efforts while he, the great commander of the resistance, was rewarded with nothing. Now he didn't exactly ask Eomer the king of Rohan for permission to claim ownership of Helm's Deep but then again this was a guy who rode horses and thus did not deserve the grace of consideration. Until they dragged him out by his beard, Gimli figured he was going to stay here and hoard pebbles as he saw fit. After all, no dwarf should be without the gift of stone.
"Gimli, my name is Nigel and I bring word from Eomer that your occupation of these caves is without reason and outside the bounds of the laws of Rohan. Furthmore, you have been previously requested to leave such premises. Your failure to immediately remove your presence will constitute a declartion of war with the Riddermark."
Of course all Gimli understands is blah, blah, blah.
"So basically what you're telling me is that your giving me you're blessings and that you would love for me to stay here forever?"
"Absolutely not! I am saying no, leave!"
"No leave? So you must mean stay. Oh, joyous day!"
"With disrespect intended, you sir are an idiot."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah they all say that until they really hear me speak."
At this point Nigel decides that is was impossible to argue with such a foolish king and would have to make this even more simple.
"Lord, do you understand the word go?"
"Yes, or course. In my language go means stay and stay means go."
"Well, in that case, Eomer orders you to stay."
"Wonderful, but since Eomer speaks English and not Dwarf I will take his advice and not go anywhere."
Nigel is now thinking to himself why me and that he would cry if he had to debate with this dwarf fool even a second longer. Apparently, in Gimli's language everthing said translates into do whatever Gimli wants. Only in the dwarf's mind is everybody supposed to obey this supposed law of nature.
"Listen, I will not win this argument so I will announce to my king your resolve to trespass."
"Your right, you could never win a battle of wits with a genius as wise as myself. Because you have bored me terribly, I will give you five minutes to leave this place before I strip you of all stone or stone like possessions."
Nigel leaves Helm's Deep six minutes later (the dwarf guards force him to dump the tiny stone pebbles out of his boots which they gleefully bend over like it was gold) while Gimli contemplates his Eomer problem with Sproin.
"How do you think we could get Eomer to forget we're here and to mind his own business."
"As you know my lord, the caves of Helm Deep are his business."
"How do you figure that when he doesn't live here, we do."
"What I mean is that these caves rightfully belong to him as part of Rohan."
"Your logic is silly Sproin. Caves are owned by those who move into them and claim that they are theirs. Since I have done so, they are mine, all mine I say! If Eomer cared about his caves so much he would be living in them, not some stupid palace."
"Perhaps Gimli since Eomer does care that you living here against his will you could ask for his permission instead of fighting with all the messengers."
"No, I'll never ask him! I would much rather argue with his people instead. Besides its really fun."
"Perhaps a bribe instead then."
"Hmm, a bribe. . . interesting. Maybe we could send him one of our beautiful maidens."
"Ummm, no. I don't think that he likes our short, stouty women. Sending Eomer one would only cause him to instantly wage war, not give us the caves."
"Oh, I didn't know that Eomer was gay."
"He isn't. It's just that Eomer prefers human women over our dwarves and would take such a gift as an insult. Perhaps a different offering would be better."
Gimli decides that a bribe is indeed the best course of action and tries to think of something suitable to please King Eomer. After several hours he comes up with his genius idea and summons his court to ask their opinion.
"I've got it! The perfect gift! A rock! One that is round! A round rock! YEAAA!"
The various dwarves murmur their approval of their leader's creativity and ability to understand what humans truly want, but one young dwarf speaks against this idea. His name is Wapo, Chief of the Rock Rollers. From the crowd of submissive servants, the master craftsman of all circle stones both big and small approaches his king in a timid fashion and kneels before the great marble throne.
"State your business, said Sproin."
"Gimli, my name is Wapo your most faithful of workers but I must advise against this plan."
Gimli asks "Why is that? Do you dare to question my unparalled insight and intellect?"
"Please forgive me, but the Horse lord does not want a stone. Although a treasure to you, it is junk to him."
The king bellows "TREASON! Off with his beard! Off with his beard!"
The crowd applauses this decision but one dwarf suggests hard labor in a garden as punishment. The entire time Wapo is crying and begging for mercy for his beloved beard to be spared. However, the dwarves are angered that one of their kind would actually have an opinion of his own instead of relying entirely on Giml's spoken word. They are clamoring for Wapo's shave and seemed as if they could not easily be calmed until Gimli could be heard calling for silence. The hall is instantly quiet.
"Wapo explain your comment for an incorrect answer will surely cost your facial hair."
"My kind master, instead of reducing your hoard of the earth to tempt an ignorant man who could never understand the generosity and significance of your gift, why don't you send another item, one of more value in terms of their money which will not distract you from your ultimate goal."
Gimli thinks for a moment and asks "What would you suggest?"
"We have access to many jewels during our conquest of rocks, so why not those?"
Gimli, a dwarf obsessed with nothing but the substance of mountains repeats the word aloud "Jewels" and contorts his face into an expression of pure disgust. Jewels were readily available but they were of little value to him or the other dwarves and were given out to children as little more than cheap trinkets.
"Yes, that is an excellant idea," said Gimli. "Let the foolish men and their king take our trash in exchange for these fine caverns. As for you, Wapo, you will receive the greatest reward that any would hope for-you will receive the honor of hard work in the stone mines."
At this statement, the now very envied dwarf cried out with glee "This is the happiest day of my life."
"Gimli announced, let all dwarves know my declaration: No longer will Eomer of Rohan oppress our kind or my free control of Helm's Deep, to be known hereafter as Gimli's Grottoes. These caves will now belong to its rightful keepers and the many pebbles contained within will soon be safe in my treasury."
Gimli sends his swiftest runner to announce to Eomer his intentions who, being of legendary dwarf speed, returns only three months later to bear the good tidings that Eomer agrees to the terms of the arrangement, seven chests of jewels to compsensate for his loss of Gimli's Grottoes to the dwarves as well as the added bonus of the right to collect all pebbles located on the grounds of Rohan (needless to say Gimli sends all his servants on this extremely important mission).
Also, after the trade is completed, Gimli's admiration in the eyes of his people is increased tenfold for he has proven his success as a brilliant politician of no equal. Unfortunately, the achievement of obtaining the land necessary for Gimli to begin his kingdom only further motivates him to reach his goal of total stone domination. As such, he turns his eyes to the great stone works of Aragorn's Gondor.
To be continued in Chapter Two. . .