A/N: This is a story that I started… oh, I think near the end of last season? Anyway, it's kind of set to veer into AU land, from somewhere in the last third of season 5. I'm bored so I'm picking it back up again. I deleted ch. 2&3 because they sucked, and now continuing from what used to be ch. 4 (now ch. 2). Hopefully it won't suck so bad this time.
He felt that almost-pleasant-yet-still-excruciating lurch in his chest the moment his eyes registered who that was, headed his way from across the courthouse lobby. She didn't see him because her head was buried in the same old, leather folder that she'd always carried. But it was the only familiar thing about her. That's why it had taken a second for him to realize it was her. Familiar or not though – she looked amazing.
Unlike Jordan Shaw, the courtroom was the only place in which Kate Beckett felt justified wearing a skirt to work. When he'd first met her he figured it was because she didn't particularly like them. But eventually, he'd understood that she simply didn't see skirts as practical in the field. Especially not bold, blue, high-waisted pencil skirts that kept her stride clipped and her ankles passing closely together as her shiny, cream-colored, ridiculously-high-heels clicked along the granite floor. His eyes traveled up her impossibly long, smooth legs and over the blue plane of her skirt, perhaps lingering a second too long on the ruffles along the dipping neckline of her similarly-cream-colored blouse. Just as his gaze skipped along her equally appealing neck to her face, she glanced up and saw him.
Surprise darted across her features and she halted suddenly. The ends of her hair which dangled just below her jawline, swung, drawing his attention to the fact that it was much shorter than it had been, eleven months ago. It was still brown but she'd done away with her highlights and it was dark, along with her makeup which wasn't exactly heavy, but had a more deliberate look than he remembered.
She stood looking at him for a moment, her folder still poised in front of her, seeming at a loss, before her mouth opened, closed again and she swallowed, sending the hesitant movement down her throat.
"Wow," he blurted out before his mind caught up with the situation.
That snapped her out of it and her folder closed gently as a shadow came over her face and two of her jet black fingernails traveled to brush a strand of hair from her forehead. For both their sakes, though, she strained her lips into a smile and said, "Hey, Castle."
"Hi," he answered, eyebrows knitting as he watched her struggl to maintain eye contact.
"What…" She cleared her throat and glanced hopelessly elsewhere until she was forced back. "What brings you here?"
"Oh, uh…" He shifted his weight from one foot to the other, feeling equally awkward. "Just some research," he finished vaguely, waving his hand in a dismissive manner.
"Mmm." She nodded matter-of-factly.
"What about you?"
Holding up her folder, she replied, "Case."
His turn to nod, he started, "An interview or…"
They both knew what he was about to say so she nodded again and finished for him, "Testifying."
"Oh."
They stood in silence for a second, unsure of where to go next. Eventually, the shadow swirled out of her eyes and he saw a bit of determined resolution in the set of her jaw. Apparently she wasn't going to let this be awkward. It made him smile; she was still Kate.
"Well – you look great," she said at last, gesturing to his noticeably thinner form.
"Thanks," he replied, unconsciously smoothing a hand down the side of his blazer, not thinking it a good idea to mention the reason he'd unintentionally slimmed down: he'd been wrecked without her. "You don't look so bad yourself," he complimented instead. "I like the haircut."
"Oh," she laughed, finally seeming to loosen a little. "Thank you. It's easier. There's no one around to try and impress anymore…" Her eyebrow twitched up briefly and that old challenging spark flashed in her eyes for a split second, making him smile.
"No boyfriend?" he asked, countering with a hint of a smirk. She just shrugged noncommittally so he said, "Well if this is what you call not trying…" Both of his eyebrows rose in lieu of completing the sentence and then he added, "I'm surprised you don't have a trail of drooling lawyers stumbling along behind you."
Her lips pursed and her index and middle fingers dipped inside her folder and came back out with a small stack of random papers, all of which had phone numbers on them.
He couldn't keep the laugh from escaping him. "Looks like you'll be busy for the next month. Anything promising?"
Nose crinkling, she stuffed them back in and said, "I don't date lawyers."
"Good policy to have."
She frowned then and despite it all, he was still able to read her as easily as ever, immediately gleaning that she wasn't liking the trajectory of this conversation. He changed the subject.
"So, I started a new series."
That drew a smile back out and she said, "I read it. It's good!"
Taken aback, he asked, "You read it?"
She laughed. "Nothing changed the fact that you're still a great writer."
His ears shifted because he was smiling so big, and he said, "So, I'm still your favorite author?"
"What can I say?" she replied, shrugging. "It's thrilling stuff."
"I'm shocked!"
Sincerity laced her next statement, flooring him even more.
"I'll never stop reading what you write."
Those words seemed to pop the bubble that had been forcing them to pretend that everything was okay and he could see that she instantly regretted saying it.
But now that it was out there in the open, the dam had broken and the air was sucked out of his lungs forcing him to just say it, on an exhale.
"I miss you, Kate."
Her eyes closed and her head dropped down as she pinched the bridge of her nose.
"Don't."
"But I do."
"Please, Castle. I can't do this right now. They're reconvening in five minutes."
His hand jerked at the sound of his name, wanting to reach out to her, and he struggled to sound steady when he asked, "You can't do this right now? …or ever?"
She dropped her hand and met his eyes again.
"I tried," she said with a sigh, then continued in a hushed voice, "I tried for a year. I gave you everything I had and I just needed to know that you were as invested as I was."
"I was."
She shook her head. "You knew what I needed from you but for some reason you couldn't give it to me. You moved heaven and earth until I let you in, but you kept me shut out."
"Kate…"
"You don't have to explain yourself."
"But..."
She interrupted him. "It was good to see you, Castle." Then a rueful smile met him and she added, "Honestly."
"You too," he said instinctively, and before he could try to stop her, she was turning.
When she was about ten feet away, he couldn't help tossing out one last Hail Mary.
"Kate!"
She turned around.
"Can I at least email you?"
He wasn't expecting her to reply encouragingly but he had already thrown away so much and he didn't want to have another regret.
To his surprise though, she smiled one last time and said, "You can always write me, Castle."