Rin was breaking.
When Haru acknowledged him, reached out for him, held him in his arms as Rin let loose his tears, it had been blissful.
The more Rin thought about it, the more pathetic Rin felt.
Haru went through so much more hardship; Rin, although his father was dead, at least had his sister and mother. Haru only had Makoto, and even then, it probably lacked something only family could provide. And now the future loomed over Haru, throwing out demands at the blue-eyed male, and Rin's remarks had helped nothing.
It only made Haru raise his voice at Rin for the first time; the slam of Haru's fist against the locker made Rin realize for the first time that he had been arrogant, too full of himself.
Now that Haru hated him, the whole Iwatobi hated him. And the more solemn and quiet Rin became as self-loathing took place; the more his teammates avoided him. Rin wouldn't tell his troubles to anyone, not even to Sousuke, because every time he did tell about his petty troubles, everyone laughed before throwing out an advice.
They probably laughed because it was such a childish problem. Nothing compared to what others go through, Rin supposed.
He didn't deserve to rant, or get sad. He shouldn't cry, because there were others who wanted to cry more than him, but held the wails back and pain hidden.
The Rin who revealed everything he felt was weak.
Then there was the whole thing about Sousuke's shoulder.
It would be a lie if Rin said he didn't notice something wrong with Sousuke during practices. And he knew that he was officially a heartless shit when he saw how bad it was; the bruise a clear contrast even against his childhood friend's tanned skin.
Rin was weak, and a shit who was so blinded by the idea of victory that he didn't take extra care of his friend when he noticed something wrong. And as self-hatred increased, the more unfocused Rin became, and the more his grades and swim time slipped.
More reason for him to question his existence.
He visited his father's grave more frequently, sitting without looking away from the polished stone, letting the salty breeze to toy with his magenta locks. The length of time he spent there got longer and longer, and he berated himself at midnight when he panicked over unfinished homework, feeling terrible that he was bothering the sleeping Sousuke with his desk light. When Sousuke began showing signs of exhaustion from waking up constantly due to the light, Rin began going to sleep early without finishing his homework. Sousuke had tried to tell Rin to not to worry about him, but how could he not when Rin already worsened Sousuke's shoulder?
His teachers began to talk to him as Rin's grades kept dropping. It got to the point where they had to tell him that if he didn't raise his grades soon, he would have to quit swimming.
Rin began to furiously cram information into his tired brain and pushed through homework like his life depended on it. He accomplished this in the bathroom with a flashlight as his only source of light, so as to not bother Sousuke too much.
On his third all-nighter, Rin sat up straight on the tile floor and looked up at the pitch black ceiling, pencil dropping from his motionless hand and onto the paper with a soft tap, and wondered why he was trying so hard.
Even with these all-nighters, his grades wavered between dropping and rising. Information that Rin forced into his head somehow deleted themselves after the unit was complete. His time still kept steadily dropping, making the dream of becoming an Olympic swimmer go further and further away.
One joint practice was all it took for the Iwatobi members to bombard his cell phone with messages.
[Rin, are you alright?]
[Rin-chan, what's wrong?]
[Rin-san, everyone is worried. Please tell us what's wrong.]
[Rin, talk to us.]
After Rin replied with a "I'm fine, man, stop worrying" then a "Just tired from schoolwork" followed by a smiley face and a thumbs up, people stopped messaging him again.
Rin's chest felt hollow as he gazed at the motionless phone, hating his four "friends" for planting the thought that they care for him in Rin's head.
Rin stopped going to practices, leaving the leading to Sousuke. Sousuke was better at coaching, anyway. The redhead's body began to change, and as Rin gazed at his disappearing abs, he told himself that he should work out; then hated himself for not willing to follow his own advice.
What was the purpose of his existence, again?
Today was the day Rin was finally going to take action. With a huff, the redhead sat up in his bed, swung his legs over, and stood; stretching his stiff arms up until a pop could be heard from his spine. Sousuke looked down at him with sleepy eyes that turned wide at the sight of a more or less active Rin.
"'morning," Rin said with a small smirk at Sousuke. The dumbfounded teal-eyed teen only nodded.
"… 'morning," Sousuke said lamely.
"Hey, do you mind clearing out for the day? It's Saturday anyway," Rin asked. "I want to clean up the mess that I made in the past few weeks."
"Er… sure."
"Also, I'm going to Iwatobi to visit some people," Rin continued, looking at Sousuke. At his childhood friend's confused and relieved expression, he let out another small grin. "Sorry about worrying you, by the way."
"… Don't just apologize to me; the whole team was worried, you know."
With an "I will" and a wave, Rin was out.
Haru was surprised, Makoto was almost crying, Nagisa was chirpy as always, and Rei was relieved at Rin's sudden appearance. They tell him that they were worried, but he's not falling for their false worries.
Rin recited what he had practiced over and over again; smile, look sheepish, apologize.
Haru looks skeptical, but doesn't say anything, so Rin assumes that the acting passed and moves onto his home.
His mother and Gou look thrilled at Rin's appearance, and he lets them embrace him. It takes all he has to not cry at the feeling of a comforting hug. But the sight of his crying mother and sister reminds him what a bad son and brother he is.
"Nothing's wrong, really," is what he answers their repeated question with.
He doesn't spend too much time there, and goes back to his dorm. He begins to clean up the mess, just as he had said. After he lets out a satisfied huff at the dust-free room, he grabs his jammers and walk briskly to the pool.
No one is there, seeing that it was already weekend. He breathes in the chlorine in the air before moving to the changing room, stripping off his clothes and pulling on his jammers, and grabs a box from deep within his locker. He grabs the x acto knife from the box, and pulls out a letter from his pant pocket, placing it carefully over his folded clothes. He stares at it before closing the door and walking out to the pool.
When the blade hits the bottom of the pool, the water is already red, the source being the wrists of a certain redhead who lost his self-worth.
When he is discovered, it's too late.
"To everyone,
Now you're left with one less trouble.
-Matsuoka Rin"
Breaking
NonWorth
Super halfassed, but whatever-/ming