The Titan Nerd Game Show Vault
The premise of this one is that when Charles Tolle made his agreements with the TV station, he had to reluctantly go to his vault. While he was more than happy to pull out the old tapes of the first and so far only episodes of his show Dare to Be Stupid, he had to get the other game shows, like Jeopardy, among others. This will feature two more original game shows, some other parodies of real ones, and a Jeopardy clip here and there. I own none of the characters or game shows I lampoon except for the Titan Nerd employees. Enjoy, my allies.
Monday, June 5, 1999
Dare to Be Stupid I
Part I
"Welcome to my game show!" an excited Charles Tolle said with a huge grin."You'll soon see the reason we call this Dare to Be Stupid. But first, give it up for "Weird Al" Yankovic and his band for playing our opening theme!"
The crowd cheered as Al and the band stood up and bowed.
"I'm really honored to be here with you, Charles," said Al.
"Can we go now?" Steve asked.
"Shut up, Steve," said Al. "We're going to watch the show."
"And I'm glad you are," said Charles. "Today's contestants are: Inuyasha from Inuyasha, Megaman from the Megaman franchise, Yamanaka Ino from Naruto, and May from Pokemon. Welcome and good luck to all three of you. You know the rules, so let's bring out..."
"You never told us the rules," said May.
"That's true," said Charles. "Okay. We're in the first round. All three of you start with $100 and you bet on whether or not the first person accepts their challenge. Each time you may bet up to your full absolute value. After we get the answer and adjust your scores as necessary, I give the choices. Complete your challenge and win $500. But if you back out of your challenge at any point, you lose that five hundred. May, you pointed that out, so you're first. Step over here please. Contestants, bet now." They paused while the contestants bet. "Okay, May, do you accept your challenge or not?"
"Yes," said May. "I am more than happy to be your guinea pig, or your toy."
"I'm dating a better actress," said Charles (he was younger, so this was back when he dated Tatsuki). "Let's see what the others said. Inuyasha said 'yes', Megaman said 'yes', and Ino said 'no'. Okay, Inuyasha bet twenty-five dollars, Megaman bet twenty dollars, and Ino bet ninety-nine dollars. Interesting. Okay, May, your choices are: eat a plate of two-week old sushi without throwing up, or drink a carton of two-week expired milk without throwing up. What's it gonna be? And remember that you lose five hundred dollars if you back out or throw up."
The audience chanted the choice they thought May should make. She stood there for a while, wondering, then she made her decision.
"I'll take the sushi," May decided. "Bring it out!"
"Bring out the sushi!" Charles called. A man came down the aisle and handed the plate of sushi to Charles, who set it in front of May. "Okay, May. Here are the chopsticks. There's no time limit, but I suggest you try to do this within two minutes. Remember, you must eat everything on the plate, and you will lose five hundred dollars should you back out or throw up. Go!"
May looked at the sushi in front of her. She picked up a piece and put it in her mouth, ignoring the blatant mold already starting to grow. She chewed carefully, hoping that she could suppress her gag reflex. She swallowed the sushi and smiled. She ate another piece, and another until she had three pieces left. It was then that her stomach started to feel it.
"Shut up," May said to her stomach. "I can keep down semen after a blowjob, I can keep down rotting sushi." She ate the last pieces and went back to her podium. "There! I did it!"
"You did it," said Charles. "You've just won five hundred dollars."
"Actually, Charles," said May, "We can just use that to help pay for your Grovyle Leaf Blade after the show."
"No, my girlfriend is giving me a [anyone who's read some previous Inside the Series stuff might know what's coming next {no pun intended}] Soul Society Sword Sharpening," said Charles. "Ino, you are our next lucky contestant. Stand over there please. Everyone else, place your bets now." Charles waited. "Okay, Ino, what is it?"
"Yes!" Ino said excitedly. "Yes, I will take the challenge, and yes, I will suck your dick!"
"Yes, you may take your challenge," said Charles, "And no, you may not suck my dick. Let's see the answers and bets: Inuyasha, yes and fifty; Megaman, no and three (interesting); and May, yes and one hundred. Okay, Ino, for five hundred dollars, you can either stick this dildo filled with ice cubes up your butt for two minutes, or you can get the marble out of this jar filled with broken glass and lemon juice. Don't back out now, though, or you lose more money."
"I won't lose," Ino said with confidence. "Give me the dildo!" She dropped her pants and bent over.
"You have to put the dildo in yourself," said Charles. "Oh, by the way, we put it in the freezer for a few days to keep the ice frozen."
Ino slid the dildo into her butt, wincing at the cold. Her teeth chattered as she watched the clock.
"Hey, Ino, chill out!" Megaman taunted. "It's only a challenge!"
"This shit's probably illegal," said Inuyasha, "But I'm participating anyway because it's fun."
"Actually, it would be unlawful," said Charles, "Because illegal is a sick bird. Ino, you have one minute left."
"I can't do it!"Ino shouted as she pulled the dildo out and threw it across the room. "Just put the real thing inside, Charles!"
"No," said Charles. "I have a girlfriend, and if I did, it would shrink as soon as it goes inside. Sorry, Ms. Yamanaka, but you lose. Pull up your pants and return to your podium."
"No, I'll play without pants," said Ino as she stepped out of her pants completely.
"Okay, well at least return to your podium," said Charles. "Megaman, you're up. Everyone, bet!" They waited. "Megaman, what's the answer?"
"Yes!" Megaman shouted. "It's my turn!"
"Okay," said Charles. "The answers and bets are: Inuyasha, no and thirty; Ino, no and four hundred ninety-eight; May, yes and seven hundred. All right, are you ready, Megaman?"
"Hell yes, Charles," Megaman said.
"Okay," said Charles. "For five hundred dollars, you can give yourself a bikini wax with duct tape, or you can stick your penis into this toaster."
"That's easy," said Megaman. "Hell no to both."
"Pity," said Charles. "Are you sure you want to lose five hundred dollars?"
"As long as my penis and pubes are safe," said Megaman.
"Okay," said Charles. "That leaves Inuyasha. Stand over there, and everyone else vote." They waited. "Okay, what will it be?"
"To your challenge," said Inuyasha, "I say yes."
"Following tonight's crowd is a good choice," said Charles. "Completing the challenge is something totally different. Okay, Megaman said yes and bet one hundred forty. Ino said no and bet nine hundred ninety-six dollars. And May said yes and bet fourteen hundred dollars. Inuyasha, your choices for five hundred dollars are to staple your finger or stick your hand in a pot of boiling water for two minutes."
"On second thought," said Inuyasha, "I'll sit this one out. It's worth losing the five hundred."
"That's all for the first round, people!" Charles said. "Stay tuned and we'll show you the second round after the break!"
Part II
"Hello," said Charles, "And welcome back to the show. Inuyasha is in third place with -$355, Megaman is in second place with -$243, Ino is in fourth place with -$1993, and May is in first place with $2800. Now then, the second round. Here, you spin that wheel and depending on the point value you get, I offer you a challenge. The points are, from lowest to highest, 100, 200, 400, 500, 800, 1 000, 1 600, 2 000, 2 500, 3 000, and 5 000. But first, we have to bet on whether or not Megaman will accept his challenge. Megaman, step over here, please. Everyone else, bet now." They waited. "Okay, Megaman, what is it?"
"Well, I feel like I should at least try something," said Megaman, "So I'll accept my challenge."
"I like the sound of that," said Charles. "Let's see what the others said: Inuyasha, no and twenty-two; Ino, no and nineteen hundred ninety-two; and May, yes and twenty-eight hundred. Okay, Megaman, spin that wheel. And this time, there's no backing out in the middle."
"Okay," said Megaman. "Hope I get a good challenge." He spun the wheel. After it rotated for a few seconds, it stopped.
"Ooh, you hit the $3 000 space," said Charles. "And the first $3 000 challenge is from Weird Al's song One More Minute, and that is to eat this plate of broken glass."
"I hope it's not for eternity," said Megaman.
"No, just until you can't do it," said Charles. "And now you can't back out, you can only fail."
"How would I fail at eating broken glass?" Megaman asked.
"If you die, vomit, or otherwise violate a rule."
"It's against the rules to die?"
"Yes, if someone dies, that's a shitload of lawsuits for me, and we just can't have that, so eat the damn glass."
Megaman looked at the glass on the plate. He saw the lemon juice still on it, so he put a piece in his mouth, instantly spitting it out as his tongue swelled.
"Theah. I attempthed ith," he said.
"Allergic to lemons or not," said Charles, "Spitting the glass out is close enough to vomiting, and you failed. Return to your podium. Inuyasha, you're next. Everyone, bet now." They waited. "Okay, Inuyasha, you will or you won't?"
"I will not," said Inuyasha. "I'm having second thoughts about signing up to play, in fact."
"Does not matter," said Charles. "Oh, by the way, you have to accept at least one challenge, and you have to leave each challenge opportunity with a change in your winnings, so I'll need you to spin the wheel."
"That's bullshit in a can," Inuyasha muttered as he spun the wheel, landing on the highest space to his dismay.
"Pity," said Charles. "Five thousand dollars you don't have lost. Now for the bets. Megaman said no and nine hundred ten. Ino said yes and three thousand nine hundred eighty-four. And May said no and fifty-six hundred dollars. Okay, Inuyasha, you're a loser, and you must take the next round's challenge. May, you're up."
"Okay," said May excitedly. "Oh, Charles, by the way, I don't like your girlfriend and I think you need a new one."
"Not you," said Charles. "Or Ino."
"Maybe these will aid your decision," said Ino as she lifted her shirt.
"These are better," said May as she lifted her shirt.
"If you think you can impress me with your breasts, you're mistaken," said Charles. "And for the record, May's are better. Bet." They waited. "May, what's the answer?"
"Fuck yes!" May said excitedly.
"Okay, Inuyasha said no, a middle finger, and five hundred. Megaman said yes and two thousand twenty-eight. And Ino said no and seventy-nine hundred sixty-eight. I might have to amend the absolute value piece. Okay, May, spin the wheel."
May excitedly spun the wheel, her smile soon becoming a frown as it stopped.
"Oh, my," said Charles, "It appears you landed on the one hundred dollar space there. Pity. But you might win it. Your challenge is to eat these brownies." The attendant brought out a plate with ten brownies. "You have to eat all ten brownies, in one bite each, and the catch is that there is a clump of shower drain hair in three of them. Enjoy."
"Fuck that," said May. "I want my frickin' money." She ate all the brownies in rapid succession, barely pausing for a breath.
"That's all ten down the gullet," said Charles. "Did you taste them?"
"Yes," said May. "Chocolate and hair together is pretty good, actually."
"Okay," said Charles. "Well, you can return to your podium. Ino, you're up. And please put your pants back on, for God's sake."
"No way!" said Ino. "Don't bother betting, I'm accepting my challenge."
"And that's why we do the betting beforehand," said Charles. "Then we tell the answer before revealing the answers. Oh well, let's take a look. As I thought, you all bet yes and doubled your scores. Okay, Ino, spin the wheel."
Ino heartily spun the wheel, landing on the five thousand dollar space.
"Okay," said Charles. "Your challenge is to eat this bowl of soup."
"Looks and smells good," said Ino as she sat down. "What's in it?"
"Mainly horse crap and poison ivy," said Charles. "Enjoy."
Ino took one spoonful of soup and stopped before she could put the spoon in her mouth. She fought the shaking feeling and put the spoon in her mouth, throwing up before she could swallow.
"Pity," said Charles. "Return to your podium. People, stay tuned for the third round of challenging."
Part III
"Welcome back to the show," said Charles. "For those of you who feel as if I am dragging something out, you're wrong! It's only the third round, then the fourth. So let's go to the third, but first, let's look at the scores. Inuyasha's gotten out of the hole, but he still needs money. Megaman has some money, at $1 820. Ino still has no money, with an impressive -$20 937. I hope that you don't play other game shows like this. And finally, May has a commanding lead of $22 600. Good job, and good luck to all of you in the third round. Now you spin the double wheel. The big one shows you your challenge and the smaller one shows how much money you'll win. Those points are doubled from the second round. I'm not listing them again. Okay, Inuyasha, you have to accept a challenge, so everyone just put down however much money you want to win."
"Dammit, I was so sure he wouldn't take this one and I already wrote it down!" Ino moaned.
"This just isn't your lucky day, is it?" Charles asked. "I'm assuming everyone else doubled their scores? Of course. Okay, Inuyasha, it's not rocket science. Spin the wheel."
Inuyasha spun. The big wheel stopped on "One More Minute" and the small wheel zipped around, stopping on $4 000.
"Okay," said Charles. "Your challenge is to slam your fingers in that door for two minutes. Just keep slamming."
"I'd better get something besides money for this bullshit," Inuyasha groaned. He went to the door and slammed his fingers over and over, until time was up, but on the last slam, his fingers fell to the floor. "Goddammit."
"Don't worry," said Charles. "You still completed the challenge, so you win. Return to your podium. Ino, you're up."
Inuyasha tried to flip Charles off, then realized that he was missing all the fingers on his left hand, so he flipped Charles off with his other hand. Ino happily bounded down.
"I'm so ready for this," she said.
"But before you say your answer, everyone must bet. Do it now." They waited. "Ino?"
"YES!" Ino shouted. "Yesyesyes!"
"I thought I told the concession stand not to give our contestants any coffee," Charles said. "Anyway, Inuyasha said yes and $4 000. Megaman said yes and $1 820. And May said yes and $90 400. Okay, Ino, spin the wheel."
Ino spun, earning the challenge of putting sixty marbles in her mouth then hold them there for two minutes without losing any by swallowing or spitting or anything else for $6 000. She shoved all the marbles in her mouth and started choking when she accidently swallowed two at once. After Charles Heimliched her, she went back to her podium.
"Fuck!" she screamed. "I can't win anything today! This sucks!"
"Not my problem," said Charles. "And for the last damn time, put your pants back on. Please. May, come on down."
May stepped out from behind her podium, but Ino tried to trip her on the way.
"Uh, Ms. Yamanaka," said Charles, "That's a five hundred dollar penalty for sabotaging another contestant. Everyone make your bets." He waited. "Okay, May?"
"Yes, I'm okay," said May, "And yes, I want to take the challenge!"
"Okay," Charles said. "I must say that I admire you and Ino's enthusiasm throughout this game. Okay, Inuyasha said yes and seven thousand. Megaman said yes and two thousand. And Ino said no and $48 372. Okay, it's official. I will establish a betting limit next game. But first, May's challenge. Are you ready?"
"Yes!" May shouted as she spun the wheel, landing the challenge of wearing fiberglass underwear for two minutes for 3 200 dollars. "Oh, that's easy."
"That's what you say now," said Charles. He handed her the underwear. "Let's see you put them on!"
May took off her pants. She winked at Charles, who did not react, and she put on the fiberglass panties, standing there for two minutes.
"Okay," said Charles. "Congrats on completing your challenge. Megaman, you're up!"
"May I thit thith one out?" Megaman asked.
"No," said Charles. "I just decided that everyone participates in the third round. Nobody bother betting. Megaman, spin the wheel."
Megaman spun the wheel, praying that he would get some challenge he could manage. He spun eating another One More Minute challenge for 800 dollars.
"How do you feel about shoving an ice pick under all ten toenails for that much money?" Charles asked. "All ten toenails while keeping your balance."
"I think I feel like I want to kill mythelfv," said Megaman as he took the ice pick Charles handed to him. He shoved it under one toenail, then another, and all the toes on his right foot, and that was when he fell over.
"So sorry," said Charles, "But that's a failure. Okay, you three, take a rest. The fourth and final round will be next, so keep it locked!"
Part IV
"Okay," Charles said in a slightly darkened studio. "Here we are for the fourth and last round. Inuyasha has $15 000 and is in second place, Megaman has $6 660, so he might be Satan, Ino has -$96 445, but she might be able to win some of that back if she answers her questions correctly, and May has $138 800, so there's no way in hell anyone will catch her unless something happens. As you can see, all three contestants are now naked and in special tubs. Add the thumbtacks!"
"I'm getting out of here," said Inuyasha before the thumbtacks poured into his tub, leaving him trapped. "Okay, I now feel very confined."
"Okay," said Charles. "Everyone is guaranteed to be asked at least three questions. There is a max of five, but if you answer three incorrectly, we pour in the salty lemon juice. I would not suggest moving much, and I think you can tell why. This is meant to distract you from the question, but they will be of about normal level. But first, I'll spin the wheel so that we know how much each question is. And you still lose money for wrong answers. If three contestants have each answered three questions incorrectly, then the last person standing can steal the money the others lost." He spun the wheel. "Ah, a nice mid-range value. 2 000 a pop. Okay, Inuyasha, name a member of the cast of SNL at any time."
"Will Sasso!" Inuyasha called. The lemon juice was poured in. "Oh, fuck!"
"Megaman, name a villain from Spider-Man."
"The Dthoker!" Megaman called. The lemon juice was poured in. "Dammit!"
"Ino, what is the average between 5 and 7?"
"Three!" Ino called. The lemon juice was poured in. "Nooo!"
"May, who wrote Common Sense?"
"Thomas Payne!" May called.
"Inuyasha, is a crocodile a bird or a fish?"
"Neither, it's a reptile!"
Megaman, what is Batman's real name?"
"Reed Rit-chardth-ch!" The lemon juice was poured in.
"Ino, name a magazine!"
"The Origin of Species!" The lemon juice was poured in.
"May, name a song by Queen."
"Under Pressure!"
"Inuyasha, name a country that fought in WWII."
"Germany!"
"Megaman, name a current or former member of Guns n Roses."
"Iththy Thradlin!"
"Ino, what is 7-2?"
"6!" The lemon juice was poured in and Ino's tank was removed from the studio.
"May, what color is a pumpkin?"
"Orange!"
"Inuyasha, name an actor who played a DC villain."
"Tommy Lee Jones!"
"Megaman, what is Usher's real name?"
"Robet Raymond!" The lemon juice was poured in and Megaman's tank was removed from the studio.
"May, who created Garfield?"
"Jim Davis!"
"Inuyasha, who was the original Jeopardy host?"
"Chuck Woolery!" The lemon juice was poured in.
"May, where is Lewis Black from?"
"Maryland!"
"And that's it!" Charles said. "Inuyasha has $17 000, Megaman has $2 660, Ino sadly owes me $102 445, and May is the winner at a whopping $148 800! Congratulations, I had fun playing with you all, and I mean that in as non-sexual a way as possible."
"Wait, why do I owe you the money I didn't win?" asked Ino. "That wasn't in the waiver."
"Next time, read the fine print," said Charles. "I need money to give to contestants, as well as to refurnish my home, my studio, and to buy the supplies we need for this game. Our logistics department will help you and May through it so that she gets the money she won and you pay the money you owe. Now everyone get out of here, we have to tape the next episode."
Yeah, I know it's long. I'll put up another four of these, but I'll do what I can to shorten them. As for the next game, it could be any game from any time period.