Disclaimer/Author's Note: I own nothing. This is a one shot that I found funny so I typed it out.
Author's Note: The people are in alphabetical order except for Harry who's first because... eh, I don't know why, really... because the books are named after him?!?!
A Most Surprising Hogwarts
We begin our story in a boy's toilet cubical. The lid is down and on it sits none other than Harry Potter. He's holding up a small mirror, applying foundation, blusher and lip gloss - He has to look good for his adoring public.
C
Cho Chang has done a strip tease for the staff.
C
Colin Creevey has taken raunchy photo's of the owl's in heat.
C
Crabbe is good at Potion's.
D
Dumbledore's lemon drops are really drugs - hence the continuous happy moods and twinkling eyes.
D
Dudley has to wear a sports bra because of his man boobs.
F
Seamus Finnegan is really American.
F
Filch really loves Mrs. Norris - Why do you think she's a 'Mrs' and not 'Ms'?
F
Flitwick is really a charmed giant.
G
Goyle works out.
G
Hermione works in a strip club in Hogsmeath.
H
Women (not me) really go for big teddy bears like Hagrid.
H
Hooch rides her broom in more ways that one, wink, wink
J
Jay dreams of fucking The Metatron, much to Silent Bob's disgust (and The Metatron's)
L
Lockhart really does have a brain - it just wasn't put in yet.
L
Lupin once had sex with a bear (he was a werewolf at the time but sex is sex).
M
Draco Malfoy has a shrine devoted to the "wonderfully sexy Harry Potter"
M
Lucius Malfoy has a thing for the Hogwarts teachers and uses that long staff of his as a sex toy - why do you think it's so shiny?
M
McGonagall spends hours practising her 'stern look'
Q
Quirrell has to share his girlfriends with Voldemort - they're cannibals.
S
Snape has bedded around four hundred and twelve women this year and is currently in a six some. Women seem to go for tall, dark and mysterious men. He's tall - 6'1. He's dark - dark hair, dark eyes, dark cloths and dark past. He's most definitely mysterious - what do we really know about him and his bad mood swings? If he was a girl, it would be blamed on her monthly's or hormones.
S
Sprout once got a whiff of the Love Potion that Dumbledore made Snape make and has been stalking the Potion's Master ever since. She has a rather large collection of pictures of him sleeping, in the shower and having sex with different women, and he has no idea.
T
Trawlney is a stoner -wait, you probably guessed that already. She sacrifices worms to her gods.
V
Vector has no gender.
W
Ron spends most of his free time in he Quidditch changing rooms, molesting Harry's broom.
W
Willy Wonka owes me a chocolate factory.
Sorry about the Jay, Metatron, Silent Bob and Willy Wonka references if you don't know or like them, but I couldn't resist.
Reviews? Please? Good? Bad? Horribly wrong?