Jim dropped down onto the bed, arms wrapped around himself, not caring about the red from his hands staining his shirt. He was cold, so cold. He didn't know how long it had been since they had beamed up but the coldness he had been feeling for two weeks had turned into an all consuming numbness. M'Benga and Chapel was waiting in the transporter room. They immediately took charge of Bones as Spock escorted Jim to his quarters.
But it was so cold in these rooms.
Had been ever since he said those words. Ever since he saw Bones' face freeze. The numbing coldness on his left side melts away, chest clenching as the guilt kicks in at the lies that came tumbling out of his mouth. In his mind he re-watches the look on Bones' face as it goes from shock to pain to blank as he straightened his shoulders and walked out of the room. There was only one thing he said that was true, and he whispers it again.
"Bones, you deserve much better then me." he starts to rock slowly on the bed, breath hitching as he tried to stop the sobs that want to escape. Catching sight of the end of the bed and the sweat pants and t-shirt Bones always slept in, he falls back onto the bed and pull them to him. But it only make him feel colder as Bones' scent is still on them. He pulls the covers over him and buried his head under the pillow as a sob finally rips finally let loose. "Bones," and another, "Bones..."
It didn't take long for the sobs to run their course, leaving him even more exhausted. Opening his eyes brings into focus the box on his nightstand. The box contains all the things that Bones had left in his quarters. He was going to return it today if they didn't have to beam down to the planet. He lets a smile pull up the corner of his mouth as he pulls out the picture on top.
He rolled off the bed and left his quarters, picture firmly clasped in his hand. The door to the Med bay opened with its usual swish, but no one looked up. Everybody was subdued and not paying attention to the Captain as he made his way to the private room in the back. He thought he was prepared, but his throat closed up upon seeing the form laying there.
"Hey, Bones," he croaked out, taking a step into the room so that the door could swish shut behind him, "Do you remember this?" he asked with a watery voice as he placed the photo on the table by the bed.
On the last shore leave, Bones had dragged him into a mall like shopping area just along the beaches on Pacifica, looking for something to get Joanna. After the sixth store, and watching Bones' ass in his shorts, Jim had pulled him into the nearest changing booth. They didn't get too far before they were chased out and lectured by a security guard. When they got back to their hotel, Jim hacked into the security footage and printed out the moment. Jim was staring at the guard, trying to look innocence, while Bones held his face in one palm. His other hand was still firmly grasped in Jim's.
He sat down and gently took Bones' hand in his.
"I hope you do, cause I know it's one memory I don't want to forget."
He sat there for a moment making sure he would be able to talk clearly the next time he spoke.
"I'm sorry, Bones. For everything, especially the last two weeks. If ever it felt like time for a temporal anomaly. I think this would be the best time. I know-I know I don't have the right to say this, 'cause see, I told myself that I wouldn't miss you. But I can't help but remember what it felt like beside you. I haven't even slept in our...my...bed in the last two weeks. I miss you so much. All the little things. You taking the covers when you roll over. The rhythm of your snores when you sleep on your back. Hell, I even miss you hair in my face. And the way you tasted like innocence when you kissed me awake. I just miss YOU, Bones! I Wish I never said it's over."
He pressed the hand clasped in his to his chest as he started crying again. "Bones," he whispered brokenly, "please, just wake up and tell me this is a horrific nightmare, an alien mind whammy or SOMETHING! I love you and This just can't be the end of us, Bones. It can't, it can't," he stood, looking intently at the closed eyes. "IT CAN'T! AND DO YOU KNOW WHY LT. CMD. DR. LEONARD HORATIO MCCOY! BECAUSE WE DON'T WORK LIKE THAT! I'M SUPPOSED TO DO SOMETHING ASININELY STUPID AND YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HELP ME FIX IT! WHAT WE DON'T DO IS YOU AVIOD ME FOR TWO WEEKS AND THEN YOU BEAM DOWN TO A PLANET AND...and...and..."
Slumping back down into the seat he seemed to take in the hand he was holding for the first time. The movement against his chest caused some of the now rust colored flakes to fall to the pristine bed. "My hands are still coated in your blood, Bones. They'll never come clean now because you'll never forgive me and you'll never tell me you love me again."
A couple of tears dripped off his chin onto their entwined hands, rejuvenating some of the dried blood and Jim watched as it ran off his knuckles and down Bones' arm to settle in his elbow. He gently placed Bones' arm down and tenderly wiped up the trail with the edge of his shirt.
The door swished open and he glanced out of the corner of his eye to see M'Benga standing there looking shocked.
"Captain."
He didn't acknowledge him, just placed his hand in Bones' hair as he leaned over an pressed a kiss to his forehead, whispered, "I love you. Have always loved you and will never stop loving you."
He kissed the forehead again before standing up, taking a deep breath, letting it out slowly and facing M'Benga.
"Captain," the other doctor said with a sympathetic look, "I need to start the autopsy."
Captain James T. Kirk nodded once before leaving the room.