Disclaimer: I do not own Kuroko no Basket or any of it's characters
Warnings: Angst, Crude language, Suicide, BoyxBoy
Kagamis POV
I'm useless to him. I'm dead to him. I try to make him feel good but all he does is push me away. He treats me like shit. He doesn't love me… He just thinks I'm a waste of space. He… He hates me.
Last night Kuroko was saying these words over and over again in his sleep. Who dares to hate him? Hate my little Kuroko? I really want to just take him in my arms, hug him… Comfort him… Keep him away from all the sadness and depression of the world… But sadly, my pride won't allow it. I've gotten way too much into my own ignorance to be able to be that soft…
Me and Kuroko live together in a small apartment in Japan. I was kind of against living with him at first, but then we kind of starting to get very, how do you say, 'social'. Kuroko began to get very flushy around me and it's kind of starting to piss me off. But I have to admit… It's kind of cute…
"No Kagami! No! You do not say cute!" I said into my head, "Your badass for god sakes. You're an asshole. You're a less ego-maniacal but more intelligent Aomine."
I sat silently in the kitchen eating my breakfast, while trying my best not to wake Kuroko. I was eating my usual slice of steak. Yes I know, eating steak at breakfast isn't really a smart thing to do, but I'd much rather eating that than the crap Kuroko eats. Seriously the child needs to get some meat on his bones. All he eats for breakfast is some Weetabix bar crap and a vanilla milk shake. And he wonders why I throw those things out.
I finished off my steak and threw my plate into the sink.
"Kagami-kun, you should be more careful with plates,"
I looked over my shoulder to find Kuroko standing at the door. I didn't say anything. I just huffed. I walked over to the couch at the other side of the room and flopped down onto the couch, while still looking at Kuroko. He was already dressed in his school uniform. I should probably get dressed too. I was still in my pyjamas.
I was watching him intensely. His every movement. He walked over to the kitchen, opened up the closest cupboard and took out one of his weetabix bars. He opened the bar and took a small bite. Actually I'm not sure it was even compensated as a bite. Then he walked over to a cupboard at the end of the kitchen and opened it. The medicine cupboard. I narrowed my eyes at his actions.
He threw the weetabix bar into the bin, of which he only took one bite of. He began to search through the cupboard. He brought out two small bottles.
"What are you doing?" I asked a bit angrily. I wasn't sure what Kuroko was doing, but I have seen him take those pills every morning for a few weeks now. But wait, these were different. The bottle was usually a small white bottle with a red label, but these two… One was a small light blue bottle and the other was a small but long grey one. The white bottle was usually just something that would ease headaches or help with stomach pains, but I've never seen Kuroko take anything other than them. And they were harmless so I let him. But these were different. I've never seen Kuroko take them before.
"Oh nothing, just need a few pain killers,"
"Like you usually do. Seriously what in the world are you doing all day that you need those stupid pain killers?"
"Well maybe if you weren't such an asshole and give me a headache every day, then maybe I wouldn't need them!" said Kuroko, or should I say, shouted. And then he straight away seemed to regret it. I frowned. Kuroko knows better than to raise his voice at me. The last time he did it beat him for nearly two hours.
I slowly stood up not breaking my gaze with the shaking boy.
"Care to repeat that Kuroko?" I asked softly, but angrily. All he did was gulp. "I'm an asshole now am I? You want to see me be an asshole? Oh I'll show you what happens when I really am an asshole!" I yelled beginning to walk towards Kuroko. He quickly shut the door of the cupboard and began to edge out of the kitchen and towards the hall, where he knows he could run out the front door and be safe from me.
"I-I'm sorry Kagami-kun," he said quietly.
"Sorry isn't good enough bitch," I growled. I started to run towards him. He tried to run towards the door but I managed to grab the collar of his shirt. I threw him back and pinned him against the wall. I'm going to be truthful, I'm sure the gaze I'm giving Kuroko now, would probably have been scary even for me if I was in his place.
"Please Kagami-kun, don't call me that…" he sobbed, yet no tears.
"Well I think since you called me an asshole, calling you a bitch is just being honest,"
I heard him gasp. His small, quiet, shaky gasp. I dug my nails into his shoulders. I guess It's just natural for Kuroko to be someone that I would take my anger on.
"Kagami-kun please, you're hurting me," he whimpered.
"Oh really? Well just look at all the fucks I give. Now… Let's see what you're really taking," I growled before I suddenly snatched the two bottles of pills from his hand. I edged away from him a little, but stayed close enough so we were still touching… And so he couldn't get away.
"Paracetamol huh? Okay I can accept that, but what's the other one?"
I heard poor little Kuroko gulp. I dropped the grey bottle of Paracetamol on the ground and looked at the blue one.
"Ifuburofen? Well this is a first. Let's see what's it for. Hm… Ah there we go, uses. Hmm... What?! Best to drink only after intake of alcohol, having a hangover or minor alcohol overdose?! Kuroko you've been drinking?!" I yelled at his face. I threw the pills at the nearest wall in the room and stared back at Kuroko. My little angel's been drinking?
"Kuroko explain to me why the fuck you were taking those pills!"
"Kagami-kun I-… I don't know why okay…"
"Let me smell your breath."
"Kagami-kun… I…"
"I said let me smell your fucking breath!"
Kuroko whimpered but slowly opened his mouth. He blew a small current of breath in my face. I cringed at the smell. No way could he hide it now. His breath smelt of pure alcohol. A mixture of vodka and beer to be more precise. This would explain why he has been coming home late for the past week or so. He's been drinking.
I growled loudly and frowned.
I brought my hand up to Kuroko's face and slapped him. He deserved it. He let out a small mixture of a scream/whimper.
"What the fuck are you thinking?!You shouldn't be drinking you stupid shit!" I yelled into his face. Tears began to form at his eyes. I could see rage build up in them. Rage that I so desperately want to see. And then he snapped. The tears began to stream down his face like I've never seen before and his voice raised to pitch I never thought possible for him.
"That's all I am to you aren't I?! Just a useless stupid shit! And what do you care if I drink or not?! You've never been there for me! You've never cared for me! You've never bothered with me! All you've ever done is make me feel dead. Make me feel like I shouldn't be in this world! Well you know what Kagami-kun, fuck you! I can't take it anymore! I've gone through too much pain to bear it anymore! I loved you Kagami-kun! But you felt the opposite towards me! You treat me like crap every day! Like I'm your little enjoyment! You know what, screw this! I'm moving the fuck out of here! I can't stand to spend one more day in this hell hole with you! You can live in peace from now on you bastard!" he yelled. I was shocked at his outburst. I never knew Kuroko felt like this.
Then suddenly with what seemed like all his might he pushed me off of him and ran for the door. I didn't even bother to chase after him as I was too caught up in my own thoughts. I heard the door of the apartment slam. I ignored it. All I did was sink to the ground and think about what I just heard.
I… I had no idea he felt this way. Yes, I may have beaten him a few times, made fun of him and acted like a dick towards him, but he always looked so happy, despite all the things I did. Even after he was just beaten, he walked around with a smile on his face – or at least the best smile he could give with that stoic expression of his. And I could always clearly see that it was a real smile, not a fake one. Everything he did amazed me, even the slightest of things. How could he think that I was using him like that? That he was just my little enjoyment? He's the only reason I actually wanted to stay here.
How can he think I can live in peace now that he's gone? I only ever felt peace when he was here beside me. But the most striking thing about what he said was… he loved me. The things I could say about those three words. I never would have thought Kuroko would love an asshole like me. Wait… Do I even know what love is..? No one loved me. I was hated. Left out. An outcast in society. That's how I became the asshole I am now. No love to feel. No one to care for. No one to care for me… Except Kuroko… I always had a feeling inside me that told me I must keep him safe. I have tried my best to make sure that he doesn't get hurt by anyone. Sadly I couldn't protect him of myself. I have now realised that I have hurt him more than anyone ever could. And I regret every last ounce of it.
I stood up slowly and shook my head. The emotions are getting to me. I looked up at the clock in the kitchen. It's 7:50. I should go get dressed so I can get to school already. I don't even know why I bother with that shit…
Oh yeah, practice…
Kurokos' POV
I walked silently through the corridors of the school. Our apartment was only about 10 minutes from the school, so with the rage that Kagami gave me, I was able to get here in five. Kagami… Why can't you just care? Even if you just say that you care for me. It would be enough to keep me happy till death. Death… The word sounds so reassuring. So tongue twisting. So peaceful.
"Hey Kuroko!"
I looked up from my daze to find Furihata-kun standing in front of me.
"Hello Furihata-kun, how's things?"
"Alright. And is everything okay with you? You haven't been in school for the past few days,"
I sighed deeply and looked at the ground. I haven't been in school for the past few days because of the hangovers I had from drinking. I went every evening for the past few weeks to a bar in the city, and, well, got wasted. And I didn't drink just a few beers; no I would drink as much as the bartender would serve me.
"Well yeah, I'm alright. I've just been a bit sick,"
"You look down. Has Kagami been a bitch again?"
"Yeah…"
"Oh, well I'll have to talk to him later,"
"Don't please. I don't want him being all 'Eh you can't talk for yourself that you need others to do it for you'," I said mockingly.
"Don't worry, I won't mention you. I'll just question him on why he's such an asshole. I might even get Hyuga-senpai to go psycho-mantis on him,"
"Haha, yeah, that would be pretty funny,"
"Yeah, hey let's go see if Fukuda's in class yet,"
"Sure let's go," I said cheering up a bit. Furihata-kun always knew how to make me forget about the bad points in my life. He was a really good friend to me, maybe even better than any of my senpais'. Oh who am I kidding? No one can be a better friend than those guys. Not even Kise… And that is saying a lot.
I walked alongside Furihata-kun to our classroom which was the last one in the hallway. A bad place. At the end of every day you would always end up at the very bottom of the massive crowd of people trying to get out of the front door, which was at the complete opposite side of the school.
We got to our class and entered. There weren't that many people there. There was Fukuda-kun and Kawahara-kun.
"Hey Kawahara! Hey Fukuda!" said Furihata-kun.
"Hey guys. Oh Kuroko, Ya alright? You look a bit sad," said Fukuda-kun with a smile.
"Oh yeah I'm alright. Just been a bit sick lately,"
"Oh well I hope you're feeling better," smiled Kawahara-kun.
"Oh hey, where's Kagami?" asked Fukuda-kun. I didn't respond. I just looked at the floor.
"Uh guys," whispered Furihata-kun, "Kagami's being a bitch again. Best not talk about it,"
"Oh, oh okay," they said at the same time. I chuckled a little. And then I remembered something.
"Hey uh have you given the coach your schedules yet?" I asked. Furihata-kun began to pale.
"Crap I forgot!" he yelled as he began to run out of the classroom.
"I'll be back as soon as I can!" he yelled behind him. Just as Furihata-kun ran out the door, he walked in. Kagami-kun. I groaned and turned away from him.
"KAGAMI!" yelled Fukuda-kun. I jumped at his shout and lost my balance, making me stumble towards Kawahara-kun and making us fall over.
"Oh crap, sorry Kawahara-kun, he scared the crap out of me with that yell," I laughed.
"Oh It's alright Kuroko, it wasn't your fault," laughed Kawahara-kun. It's a good thing Kawahara-kun takes everything as a joke. Things just wouldn't be the same without him. Oh yeah, I should get back to reality.
"Whoa calm your tits dude," laughed Kagami.
"You. Me. Outside. Now." He growled dragging Kagami outside of the classroom.
"What the hell was that about?" I asked.
"No idea," Said Fukuda-kun blankly.
The rest of the day was boring, yet eventful. Furihata-kun had apparently punched Kagami in the gut for bitch to me. And then I slapped Furihata-kun for punching Kagami. Which then turned into a bitch slap fight among all of us (which was rather out of character for me). At lunch time Furihata-kun started a food fight. This ended with us congratulating his awesomeness, and then leading him to the headmasters office. Kagami-kun was acting as though nothing had happened between us this morning, and went back to having fun in school.
Well okay, maybe the day wasn't as boring as I thought it was, but it was better than the usual school days I have. But there was one incident which did send me home… Crying.
I walked into my second last class for the day, but the teacher still wasn't there. Good. Religion does tend to get me constantly banging my head on the table. I was sitting beside Kagami-kun for the class. Egh.
I walked through the isle in which my seat was in. Kagami-kun was conveniently standing beside my table talking to Furihata-kun.
"Think fast!" I heard someone yell.
The next thing I knew I was falling straight at Kagami-kun. I could have sworn someone just tripped me up. We tumbled down to the floor together. Second time falling today. Only this time it was different… Our lips touched. We were lying stiff on the ground with us pretty much kissing. I was lying on top of Kagami-kun which was probably pissing him off. I quickly pulled away from him and stood up as fast as I could. I faced the entire class.
"Okay who the fuck did that!?" I yelled (or asked as loudly as I could). The whole class just stared. I don't think my class has ever seen/heard raise my voice.
"I said who the fuck did that!? I swear to god if nobody owns up, you'll all pay!"
Then I realised I was kind of over reacting. I sighed deeply and cleared my throat.
"Sorry for that…" I said quietly and sat down in my seat. But was instantly pulled up again, and pulled towards the door. I looked up to find Kagami-kun with who knows how much rage in his eyes.
He dragged me out the door and slammed it shut. He dragged me towards the closest bathroom and pushed me in. He closed and locked the door behind him. Then he ran at me and pinned me against the wall… Just like he did this morning…
He had a raging expression on his face. I knew that face. Those eyes. He would have the same expression before he would start beating the shit out of me.
"So Kuroko, you whore-"
"Don't call me a whore!" I yelled silently.
He began to bring his face and body closer to mine until my chest, nose and forehead were touching his. His eyes bore into mine. If I wasn't trying to contain myself, I would have probably been crying from those eyes by now.
"I'll call you what I want," he said quietly but huskily, "And If you ever raise your voice to me again, I swear I will end you!" he yelled. I shivered in fright and gulped.
"Understand my little whore?"
I didn't move.
"Understand?!" he said raising his voice. My voice was stuck, so I just nodded.
"Good. Now shall we continue what we started?" he asked, before he brought his lips slowly to mine. I straight away began squirming, which in return made him press himself even harder to me. He pushed his face into mine harshly making my head slam against the cold bathroom wall. I couldn't move.
I then felt it. The spark. The spark you should feel when you kiss the one you truly love.
I calmed down a little and looked at Kagami-kun. He had his eyes closed tightly, and even with them closed, he looked extremely angry.
He then started to stick his tongue into my mouth. Then he stuck it in fully. He swirled it around my own tongue and took it into his mouth. Then he stuck his tongue back in. I was about to bite down on the slippery piece of muscle inside my mouth, but he pulled away completely. It's as though he could sense what I was going to do.
He opened his eyes. He no longer looked angry, but his eyes where filled with lust and sadisticness.
I looked into his eyes, shocked at the change of the bastard that is Kagami-kun. Why was he being so uncaring? So calm? So… So lustful?
"Kagami-kun, What-
"Shut up my shadow. Just enjoy it," he said sweetly. I gasped. Since when does Kagami-kun talk sweetly? I was starting to get a bit scared of what he was going to do.
He began to unbutton my shirt and slowly edged it aside, revealing my pale chest. The cold air in the room hit my bare skin and I shivered. Kagami-kun seemed to enjoy the view. He licked his lips and stared into my eyes. I once again gulped. I felt goose bumps on my back. Kagami-kun started to harshly pull at my pants.
"Ka-Kagami-kun what are you doing?" I asked scared.
"My shadow… I'm going to make you mine. I'm going to take your virginity," he said calmly.
At those words I panicked. I didn't know what to think of Kagami-kun now. What had gotten into him? Was it from this morning? Was it because he didn't like that I was drinking so he decide if he did this to me it would make me forget about it? Or was it because he just wanted to see me in pain. I straight away began to struggle as hard as I could. I had to get out of his grasp. Then I thought of his most vulnerable body part.
I kneed him as hard as I could in his groin and ran for it. As fast as I could for the door. I heard him groan behind me as I unlocked the bathroom door. Tears started to form in my eyes. How could Kagami-kun do that? Just as I pulled open the door someone – Kagami-kun – grabbed the collar of my school jacket. I flung the door open, slipped out of my jacket, and ran. Ran as fast as I could. I didn't even look back to Kagami-kun. I ran to the school doors and shoved out. The cold air outside was refreshing.
I held my tears as I began to run home. I wasn't going to take any chances with Kagami-kun following me. If I got home I could at least lock myself in my room.
I finally reached our apartment. I ran into the building, up the stairs and into my room. I locked the door and threw the key on the ground. And then I broke down.
I fell to the floor, finally releasing the tears I built up inside me. The emotions were all flowing out. I couldn't keep anything back anymore.
Kagami-kun…
I… I loved you. Loved.
I don't anymore. I can't take it. The pain of my emotions being toyed with. I feel as though he will hate me now more than he already did. Now he'll probably beat me up for running away on him… And then continue what he was doing. He nearly violated me. That's low. Even for Kagami-kuns' standards. Then I remembered.
I want to leave him. To be happy in peace.
Peace… Such a reassuring word.
Kagamis' POV
He hates me. He hates me for what I've done. How could I have been so foolish? Letting my emotions for Kuroko take over me and do that to him was the most pathetic thing I've ever done.
Furihata was right. I should begin to treat Kuroko better.
Flashback
My Seirin classmate dragged me out of the classroom. I looked back at Kuroko who was staring at the two of us. When we were out he pushed me against the wall but stood several inches away.
"Listen Bakaga-asshole you need to start showing some emotion towards Kuroko. I know you beat him constantly and that you shun him every day. You need to stop that,"
"You should mind your own fucking business if you know what's good for you,"
"Kagami, Kuroko is my friend and I can't just let him get abused by you. You of all people. I can see the sadness in Kurokos' eyes when you are around him and believe me, it isn't right for you to treat him like this. He doesn't deserve it. He's been through a lot. Even before you came along. Akashi explained to me that before he came to Seirin, before he even went to Teiko, he was beaten and broken nearly every day by his drunken step-mother. He was made fun of enough, yet you do it every day. He was beaten so much and yet you remind him of all the pain. You should just leave him alone Kagami. Just give him peace,"
End of Flashback.
I have considered leaving my little Kuroko, but I have to say having him beside me is just… pleasurable. I know what I just did was insensitive…
But I have to say, it felt good. Bloody good.
That's why I'm going for it. I'm going to make Kuroko mine. I want to show him that I do care. That I'm not just an insensitive bastard. I want to forget about who I was before. I want to forget about my pride. I want to start anew. And to do that I'll begin with making Kuroko mine.
'Goodbye Kagami. I love you. I hope you'll be happy without me,'
I stopped walking. Huh? What? What the hell was that? I gulped. What the hell does he mean he's going? Why the hell did I just hear Kuroko's voice in my head? Why the hell did he say that? Why? What?
I need to get home. Now.
Kurokos POV
"I'll miss you Kagami-kun," I said to myself. I was sitting on his bed with the knife by my side. He'll be happier without me. I won't be here to bug him. I won't be here to make him angry. I won't be here to make his life less enjoyable. I'll just leave.
But I won't just leave him, I'll give everyone peace. Who'll miss me anyway?
My step-mother. She hated me anyway.
My father. He loved me at first, and then he just threw me away. He won't miss me.
My friends. Furihata-kun. Now that's a thought Furihata-kun actually is a friend that may miss me. He was always there for me. Actually all my friend were. Furihata-kun, Kawahara-kun, Fukuda-kun, all my senpai's especially Kyoshi-senpai, and even Aomine-kun, Midorima-kun, Murasakibara-kun, Akashi-kun, Momoi-san and Kise-kun were there for me sometimes. They're all the people that ever actually cared for me. I don't know how they'll react to me being gone, but it's probably for the best.
I took a small page from Kagami-kun's cupboard and a pen. I took a good few minutes to write what I had to write and put it down on the bed. A suicide note. Hah! I couldn't get any more pathetic than this!
I then picked up the knife and sat down in the middle of the bed. I looked at the shiny piece of metal in front of me. I smiled slightly. The thought of it piercing my skin sort of excites me.
I brought it to my wrist and then took it away. No. I brought it up to my neck. I took a silent breathe.
'I'm gonna do it Kagami. I love you,' I spoke. Then I pressed the knife harder into my neck, until it finally pierced the skin. I dragged it from one side to the other. I felt the warm liquid flow out of the cut, covering my chest and arms. And soon enough the rest of my body. I threw down the knife on the page and smiled.
"KUROKO!" I heard a yell. It was him.
The door of the bedroom flew open just as I collapsed onto the bed.
"NO KUROKO!"
Kagamis POV
I ran to the bed and took Kuroko into my arms. He looked pale but still alive. He was shivering silently. I could see what he did to himself. He slit his own throat. The blood was still gushing out and covering him, and now, me. What struck me the most though, was that he was smiling.
"Kuroko, why!? Why would you do this?!" I was yelling which I probably shouldn't at this point.
"Ka-Kagami…"
I started to cry. I was crying. I couldn't help it. My little Kuroko is on the brink of death. Fuck my pride. Fuck everything. I just want my Kuroko.
"Kuroko please don't go! You- Just hang in there okay! I'll call an ambulance, get you to a hospital and you'll be fine, okay!" I was trying to reassure him. I couldn't stop the tears that were continuously running from my eyes.
"No Taiga… I can't… I… I love you…"
"I love you too Tetsuya! Please don't go!"
"Goodbye my love…"
There it is. I felt his body go limp. He's gone. I took two fingers and pressed them to his neck or at least tried to. No pulse. He can't be gone. He can't. Not my Kuroko.
"KUROKO!" I cried. He was gone. He was really gone. I hugged Kuroko's lifeless body while sobbing into his shoulder. I brought my face up and put my hand on his chin. I slowly edged down and kissed him. My little Kuroko.
It was all my fault. It was my fault Kuroko had ended up like this. Furihata was right. I did treat him like shit, and because of it, I caused him pain, and the displeasure of memories. How could I have been so foolish? I loved Kuroko and I never knew it. I can't believe I did this to him. I can't believe it…
It's my fault…. It's my fault… It's my fault…
I'll correct this. I'll join him. I can't live without my Kuroko. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for him. And he wouldn't be dead if it weren't for me.
I looked around for what Kuroko used to do this to himself. Then I found it. A big butcher knife was lying on the bed on a piece of paper. I stared at confusion at the page. I picked up the knife and the page. I gasped and more tears ran down my face. The note read:
Dear Friends,
I have made a decision that I wish I didn't have to make. I have decided that I no longer wish to exist on this earth any more. I have actually debated with this decision for the past 5 years at least, but I never had the courage to do it, because I didn't want to leave you all. Whoever is reading this, I'm pretty sure you've always been there for me. Well, except for him… Anyway, I have to say that although it may seem I have ended my life with sadness, I have ended it to make someone happy. That someone is you Kagami-kun. I love you and I want you to be happy. So please. Be happy.
Love, Kuroko
Why would he write a suicide note? Kuroko why did you have to leave like this just to make me happy? I already was happy. With you. I'm sorry for everything I ever did to you. I love you Kuroko. If only you were here to hear it.
I took the slick knife into my hand. I'll die the same way you did my love. I slowly took the knife up to my neck, and sliced. Sliced as hard as I could. I gasped at the pain. Kuroko went through this as well. Oh Kuroko…
I took the paper again, and dipped my index finger into my own blood. I wrote something on the page and put it down.
I took my little Kuroko into my hands for the last time and hugged him. I lay slowly down as I felt the darkness taking me in.
I'm coming for you Tetsuya…
The next day everyone got a bit conscious that both Kagami and Kuroko weren't at school but thought nothing of it. Even though they thought nothing was wrong, they still decided to check on them just in case. All of Seirin's basketball team had gathered together to go see Kuroko and Kagami.
When they got to the apartment no one answered so they got a bit nauseous. They looked through the rooms in the apartment until they got to Kagami's. Furihata and Kawahara fainted while Kiyoshi, Izuki, Mitobe, Koganei, Tsuchida and even Hyuga broke into tears. Caoch had picked up the note and read aloud what Kuroko had written. He also read out what Kagami had written:
I'm sorry Kuroko
And the Generation of Miracles…
Well Kise and Momoi haven't been able to stop crying for over two weeks.
Aomine ended up apologising constantly for treating them so bad. And ended up crying when he realised he can never have his shadow back.
Midorima had taken quite a long break from his lucky items. He found it hard to be lucky when he knew there was no point in it.
Murasakibara hasn't been able to eat sweets for a long while, for every time he even looked at one, it would remind him of Kuroko, and he'd always end up silently crying.
Akashi. Akashi had secretly loved Kuroko. Maybe as a friend. Maybe as a lover. All he knew is that Kuroko had brightened his world, and had made his basketball life more interesting. And even for something as small as that he knew he owed him a lot. He ended up in a state of depression.
And Kuroko and Kagami. Well, they were happy together.