A Riddle Of Mind
'You don't see a girl like that every dynasty' The Emperor said. After that, he left me looking at her and how she was going home, leaving me behind. I watched her leave with something burning inside myself. I needed to stay here with the Emperor, even if the Emperor did give me some kind of permission to go after her. The Emperor still needed protection. What should I do? I had to make a decision.
I jumped on my horse. I didn't know what I was doing or where I was going. For the first time in a long time I was free to do what I'd want and I didn't have a clue of what to do.
My rationalism didn't work quite well right now. Well, my rational brain never worked well when I was thinking of Mulan.
Fa Mulan was a whole mystery for me. A mystery I hardly think I'll ever discover… and at the same time, it's that what I find exciting about her.
I knew her name, her face and her warrior skills… but there was something missing. Something I just didn't know.
Calm down Shang! I ordered myself, looking back at the palace. I couldn't do this. I had to stay and watch over the Emperor. I dismounted. That movement, that single movement coasted me more willpower than anything I've ever done before. I had to stay.
I raced upstairs because if I allowed myself to think of her once more before getting to the Emperor, I would be racing back to her and there would be nothing that could stop me then.
I was still racing back when I saw the Emperor just before my eyes. But it was just too late, I looked at the floor and there it was: her helmet. I gazed at the Emperor. I was truly confused. Emperor, helmet, Emperor, helmet…
HELMET! Something –or someone– shouted me from inside myself.
'Your Majesty… I- I…'
'Go' he ordered. And then I didn't know what I did; I guess I was wearing the biggest and stupidest grin I've ever had, but I took the helmet and headed straight to my horse.
'Excuse me… does Fa Mulan lives here?' I asked two women talking about a sword and a man. They just made me signs. 'Thank you' I said trying to look calm and confident, but the truth was that I was awfully nervous about meeting Mulan again.
'Sign me up for the next war' I heard the older lady say. I didn't pay attention.
It was not just that I felt butterflies on my stomach about being around a woman I admired so much, but also it was very hard for me to decide how to treat a woman you always treated as a man.
Ping or Mulan? Friend or crush? I didn't have to choose, she was both. The question was: what could she possibly see on me? Well that's an easy one my mind said an arrogant brainless guy. I didn't blame her. I sure acted like that at the festival.
In my life, I have never been close enough to a woman. My mother died when I was young and my father was far more interested in his job than in any other woman. That's how I got into the army. There was no one to take care of me. I grew up on discipline, trying to be the best on the military discipline. Trying to make my father proud of me. Women for me were like everyone said they were supposed to be: not very bright and very weak, but graceful. Now that I know Mulan, my picture has been totally changed.
When I realized just how much I owed Mulan, I just knew I had to thank her. Also, there was something I didn't understand about myself. Most of all, after she defeated Shan-Yu, I felt a lot different about her. I knew she was pretty, but it was her bravery that made me feel like a bug.
I got to a little garden and saw an old man sitting on a bench. Would I ask for Mulan as a wife? No. I needed her to give me permission for that. She was too special to be married with a looser like me just because I wanted to. The man was her father, I supposed. I stood in front of him, trying to give him my best impression.
'Mr. Fa Zhou, I…' the words came out of my mouth and then I saw her. I forgot about words and for a second I even forgot how to talk. Don't make a fool of yourself, Shang. Not in front of her. And say something! Say something or she'll notice! 'Mulan!' I exclaimed 'you… you forgot your helmet' I said quickly. I looked at her father. 'W, w, well… actually your helmet' I offered it to her father. I slapped myself mentally. I was acting stupid. Why now? Why in front of her? Well, it WAS difficult to know who was the owner of the helmet now. She stepped forward and took the helmet.
'Would you like to stay for dinner?' she offered. I felt a big explosion of happiness all over my body.
'Would you like to stay forever?' I heard her grandmother say. I felt ashamed, but I wouldn't mind to stay forever as long as I could be with Mulan.
Okay, you, great useless one, say "yes" or at least say something! I ordered myself.
'Dinner would be great' I pronounced, still disbelieving my great luck.