This CRACKTASTIC fic is dedicated to DeelectablyDee for the fecked up prompts of LOOFAH – TOOTHPASTE – SHOWERCAP Spaghetti light bulb boat grass pony and then the fact that you said Renee and Charlie but I read Charlie and Renesmee and thought you were sick and then it laughed from there!

Also dedicated to Peramore91 who not only encouraged me, but also posted as well! http:/www (dot) fanfiction (dot) net/s/7116067/1/The_Secret_Diary_of_My_Squandered_Poon

This was written while under the influence so...I may regret it in the morning, but aren't all things fun when done in the moment?

"Hey Jake – can you run down to the Piggly Wiggly and grab me some more toothpaste…and maybe a shower cap too. I don't want to get these beautiful auburn locks that I got from my Dad wet."

"Sure babe, no prob Bob. You know I love it when you have those gorgeous locks looking soft and fluffy."

"Yeah, yeah, Jake, you can go now. Ohhh and get me a loofah too. I need one to get rid of the dead skin cells. It helps to keep the marble appearance of my gorgeous skin."

"What the fuck is a loofah, Renesmee?" Jacob asked, peering through the steamy glass.

"Oh Jacob, you're so uneducated. Uncle Emmett told me loofahs are THE best. They brush away all the dead skin cells and make you smooth and marbly. Oh wait. You wouldn't understand, you need probably need to grab a Gilette while you're at it."

"Thanks Ness, I knew I loved you for a reason, you're so good to me."

"Sweetie, before you go, can you pass me my toothpaste? I've gotta polish the canines."

"Nessie, that's not even funny" Jacob said as he handed me the spearmint toothpaste.

"Whatevs, while you're at the Piggly Wiggly you may as well pick up some spaghetti too. Pasta equals carbs and with this vamp hybrid metabolism I can eat all the shit in the world and be swaaaeeet," I said as I rubbed the shampoo through my tresses.

Jacob just stared at me. I think he was enamoured at my gorgeous bod but I didn't have time. The pony in the field needed more grass and I didn't have time, so not only would he have to zip to the Piggly Wiggly, but he'd have to tender to the chores.

"Oh my gawd, Jake! I just had a light-bulb moment!" I said as I washed shampoo and the the soap from my body.

"Daddy said he'd get me a pony, and I noticed the grass was getting a little long" I complained.

"Ness. You know you don't need a pony if you're lookin' for a ride" Jacob said as he waggled his eyebrows.

"Jake, my Dad is coming, you better get outta here."

"Hey Ness, are you home?"

It was my Daddy. I loved my Daddy. He was the bestest in the whole wide world.

"Nessie, could you please hurry up and get out of the shower. We need to talk." My Daddy said from the hallway.

The best thing about being a hybrid was kick ass hearing.

"One minute Daddy, just need to wash the freesia body wash out, gimme two secs."

I finished my shower and felt so fresh and springy clean. I got dressed in my casual jeans and my favorite band t-shirt. I was really into Sam Bradley at the moment. Such a versatile singer, I made Jake listen to him every day, even if it meant he rolled his eyes at me. Whateves, I just slapped him upside the head and told him the Brit Boys had talent and he should learn to play the guitar.

I finished up in the shower and kept my awesome onesie pjs from jumpin jammerz for later, when it was cold and I needed a werewolf body heat to keep me warm. They were the best. I'd seen Ryan Gosling wear them on the Ellen show and had fallen in love.

I walked out into the living room where my Dad was sitting by the fire. I'd say he was sipping on a drink but yeah…he was a vampire and therefore, didn't drink, except when he wanted some blood, and what stays with him and Mom, stays with him and Mom. I didn't want to know that crap as much as they didn't want to know what Jake and I got up to. If he wanted blood, then he killed animals, and well. We don't talk about that bit, cause Jakes officially an animal. Oh Rawr. Did you know 'rawr' was dinosaur for I Love You? And cause Dinosaurs technically are old and Jake as a werewolf is old then yeah, we soooo use 'rawr' as a love term.

"Hey Daddy, what's up?" I asked as I plopped onto the couch in the cottage.

"Ohh nothing much Ness, Aunty Alice just said you might need a light-bulb fixed so I stopped by to see if there was anything I could do?"

"Oh Daddy, you're a lifesaver! Yes, please. The light bulb in the over exaggerated walk in robe of the cottage you built needs replacing. I'd be forever grateful if you'd fix it."

"No problem baby-cakes, consider it done." He told me.

My dad was a vampire genius. In less than five minutes he had my light-bulb fixed and everything I needed done. Just in time for Jake to get home.

"Thanks Daddy, tell Mom I love her" I said as I pecked him on the cheek.

"No probs Ness. Love you too," Daddy said as he nodded his head at Jake, walking up the drive with his Piggly Wiggly bags. "Jake" he said.

"Night Dad"

"Night Mr C" Jake said, handing me the bag with the Piggly Wiggly symbol on it.

"Daddy just came by and fixed the light-bulb, would you like me to make you some bacon and eggs?"

"Yes babe, that'd be great. Let's end this story on bacon and eggs and an I love you, even if it is weird that I've loved you since you were in your Mommy's tummy."

The End.

Does this cracktastic fic have the possibility to be continued? I don't know..you hold the key... you and another bottle of wine!

Please please please review because it took a bottle and a half to write a wolf fic!