Chapter 1: Lost for forever
Time passes even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and ragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.
A Year. It's been almost a whole year since he left me sit here in forks, the rainiest place I've ever known! Its hell, with out Edward my angel, its pure torturing hell. To me time seemed to stand still, the year, it felt like much more than just one year, few years, decades maybe. I looked out to the crashing waves of the beach, the sun glistening, sparkling off the water, wishing I would see the real sparkle I wanted to see in the sun, and it wasn't the water. I sat there remembering the day he told me he didn't want me anymore. 'The day he realized that I was no good for him, I was a mere human, I wasn't anything special he could have someone much better than me. Less breakable, less fragile, something more. Someone special.' I thought to myself bitterly, wishing I could just shut my mind off completely, away from all the thoughts and the memories.
The first few days my mind my body my entire being, didn't believe it, I was in denial. I wouldn't except it. I couldn't. I woke up every morning after he left to nightmares, screams, torture. Thinking it was juts ALL one big bad dream. That it didn't happen, id open my eyes and he would be there sitting in the coner of my room on the chair. I imagined it all. But I knew my imagination wasn't that good. My room was empty, silent, no one was there, no one was there to greet me. To hold me and shake away the bad dream, because it wasn't a dream, it was a nightmare, come true.
I went to school, still with the hope that I would see that stupid shiny Volvo in the parking lot, I'd see Edward smiling waiting to greet me as I got out of my truck. Alice hopping up and down, in anticipation for our next shopping spree. I knew I was only fooling myself, no one was there, no Volvo, no Alice and defiantly no Edward when I got home no one was there to open the door for me. Or greet me by my window. My mind had acknowledged the fact he wasn't coming back. But my heart, now that was a different story. It only just now started to except the truth. The Cullen's were gone. Emmet, Jasper, Rosalie, Esme, Carlisle, Alice, and I couldn't even think the name. but I had to, he was gone, Edward was gone. He left me, and took a huge part of me with him. Maybe he it all. I knew I would never be whole again. I would never get that missing piece back. It was like an unfinished puzzle because one single piece was missing the whole puzzle, ruined.
I knew it would never be the same. I would never find anyone like Edward. He left me bitter, a part of me hated him for leaving me. But that was a small part. The rest of me just wished he would come back to me, wrap me in his cool embrace, and just hold me. But I was only fooling myself. When he left, he took me with him, and left behind a cold hard shell of my former self.
Tomorrow it will be a whole year since he left me broken. 'You… don't… want me?' 'No.' The words still echoed in my mind. Now worse than ever, it faded and slowly it didn't hurt so bad, but now its all coming back, the feelings, the memories we shared. The pain of loosing him, it was almost unbearable, it was almost like him leaving me all over again. I dreaded twilight. Another end to another day, and that next day would bring the pain I so deeply wanted to avoid.
I didn't know that all that work I did trying to ignore and push the deep void I felt deep down, so no one would see how I really felt would miraculously just be ripped open again by the shear memory of what he did to me, just because the day came slowly creeping up on me. Slowly that shell seemed to be filling up. I was beginning to actually smile and laugh and be kind of normal. I owed that mostly to Jacob. At first I thought he was fixing the whole Edward left, fixing me filling that whole that was there. And the closer it got to the day he left, the faster it all got ripped open again. And I soon realized no one and nothing could fill that void I felt. Not even Jake. There was only one person one thing that could fill that gaping deep whole.
And they were never coming back, he was never coming back to me.
Time passes, but time doesn't heal all wounds.