"Just get her out of there…" I urged under my breath.
The hovercraft's ladder descends into the newly made ocean and freezes Annie to the spot as the screen goes dark and the Capitol symbol appears with the anthem. I knew I would hear nor see anything of Annie for a few days, until her interview with Caesar Flickerman to discuss her victory. Right now I just had to be glad she was alive.
"Annie… Annie, can you hear me?" A strange man with magenta hair is leaning over me. I'm in some sort of really white room. No, I'm in an ocean. Like the arena. I'm back in the arena.
I'm screaming and clamp my hand over my ears so I can't hear the sickening sound of my district mate getting his head ripped from his body.
"Annie, you're in the hospital… the games are over," he says in a would-be soothing voice.
I say nothing. No of course, he has to be wrong. I have to be in the arena. I don't remember getting out…
"FINNICK!" I shout out suddenly, my first words in weeks.
"Finnick's fine Annie, he's back in District 4-"
"No, no no I killed him!"
I curl up into fetal position, hands still covering my ears, and I'm pretty sure I'm still screaming. I don't notice though, somewhere in my mind I'm reliving memories. Memories I know happened and memories they keep telling me they never happened.
"Hon, you never killed that boy," my stylist Faustina walked into the room quietly.
"I did too! I know I did. I remember it!"
But come to think of it… the memory had a sort of blurred look about it. Like I had dreamt it and seen it and my mind was mixing the two up.
"No I promise, I spoke to him not three hours ago and he was completely fine," I can tell she was lying. She had not spoken to him, whether he was alive or not is all I really cared about though.
"I need to see him then," I said in my best authoritative voice. But the weeks of lack of use have reduced it to barely above a whisper.
"You will Annie, I promise you will. Caesar wanted to have an onscreen reunion between you two, but Finnick put his foot down on that one," said Faustina said shaking her head, chuckling slightly.
"But… but…. why?" I asked uncertainly.
"He said that 'that moment was his, not the Capitols,'" she was still shaking her head.
"No, no you're lying. He's dead isn't he? I KILLED HIM!"
I tried to get out of my bed, when I realized I was strapped in, started to thrash around which set off some sort of alarm.
Faustina backed off slowly as the Capitol doctors come towards me. I feel something stab into my arm and then everything goes dark.
When I wake up, the room is darker. I assume I've been sleeping for a few hours. I scan my room and notice a man sitting in the corner of my room in an extremely uncomfortable looking chair.
"Hello Miss Cresta, I'm Doctor Tacitus," he stares at me without breaking eye contact.
I say nothing. I just stare at him, trying to decide whether or not to trust him. He obviously works for the Capitol because his hair is a bright periwinkle blue and his eyes are an unnatural shade of purple.
"I understand you have been having er… shall we say, memory problems?" he said again, never breaking eye contact.
I begin to feel uncomfortable and break eye contact and stare at the pool of white sheets below my hands.
"You are going to have to speak to me Miss Cresta. I have been assigned your case and intend to help you in every way I can," he said in a less business voice.
"Did- did I kill Finnick Odair?" I said, closing my eyes fearing what his answer may be.
"You did not Miss Cresta, Mr. Odair is safely in his Victors mansion in District 4, and he is mighty excited for your return. Which brings us to our next matter," he looks at me, almost tentatively as if I might start to attack him at any moment."
"Which is?"
"The matter of your…. memories. It seemed through the trauma of seeing your district mate being beheaded and the usual horrors of the arena; your brain has confused what has happened in reality, and what you fear may have happened."
"I don't understand," although I'm pretty sure I understood perfectly. I'm trapped in my nightmares.
"At some moments you may have complete lucidity while at others you may have to question what is real and what is not. Now in the few cases where we have seen this happen, when the victim goes into… shall we say, one of their 'memory episodes', many resort to unconscious violence, trying to fight off what may or may not be there. We have developed a solution of sorts. We call it the fight or flight method. When your memories make you feel as you have to fight. Take flight. Go to a place in your mind where you can hide," he said.
"How long," I asked.
"I beg your pardon?"
"How long will my memories be attacking me?"
"I- I'm sorry if I did not make myself clear Miss Cresta, but this is not a condition that can be 'fixed' per say. You are in a fight with your own mind."
And that's it. I'm on my own. It's me versus myself.
"And now we welcome the Victor of this year's Hunger Games, Annie Cresta!" Caesar Flickerman's voice boomed out of my TV in Victors Village.
Annie looked absolutely stunning in the ocean blue gown Faustina put her in. It made her look younger than her actual age of seventeen. Her long brown hair was curled loosely down her back. She was beautiful.
Something was wrong though.
Annie was a lovely girl and she smiles. Annie always smiles no matter what situation she's in.
Annie's not smiling now.
She takes her seat across from Flickerman and he begins his usual spiel about how wonderful she did in the arena, how brave she was, and how magnificent it is to have her back.
Throughout this entire speech Annie never once looked at him, she just stared at some unknown object in space with a glazed over look in her eyes.
Flickerman gave up on asking her direct questions and just went to showing the footage of her in the arena. There wasn't really much to show, Annie really didn't do much. As soon as the gong sounded she ran and hid in the woods with her District mate Samuel, a small 12 year old boy. The two of them survived without any trouble from the other tributes or any mutts. And then the girl from District One found them one night when they had just set up camp.
Samuel never saw her hatchet behind him, and before anyone knew it, his head became detached from his little neck in a sick crack of bone and spattering of blood.
Annie sat frozen in a tree just above the line of vision of the District One girl.
The girl ran away, congratulating herself on yet another slaughter. Annie sat in the same spot of that tree for the next day and a half shaking her head and muttering nonsense under her breath.
"They never showed this part on TV before," I thought out loud to myself.
The next thing they show is a large earthquake breaking the dam and the entire arena was flooded in a matter of minutes and, Annie coming from 4 was the best swimmer, she won.
Flickerman said she was the first victor in 50 years to win without ever killing another person.
The crown was placed on Annie and the anthem played. All while she still stared at the nothingness.
This is not the Annie Cresta I remember, what had they done to her?
Just then, my phone rang. Even after five years of living in Victor's Village, it was still odd having a telephone.
"Hello?"
"Hello, this is Doctor Tacitus," said a man with an obvious Capitol accent. "Is this Finnick Odair?"
"Yes it is…"
"Well Mr. Odair, I am Annie Cresta's doctor and have something we need to discuss,"
My heart drops to my stomach and I start to fear the worst.
Doctor Tacitus begins to explain to me, in more or less words that Annie has lost her mind. She's snapped.
As he tells me that there's a couple things I can do to help her, but nothing will ever help her recover, I grip the phone until my knuckles turn white and slide down the kitchen wall, biting the inside of my mouth to keep from breaking down completely.
"I'm so sorry Mister Odair. So very sorry."
I had nothing more to say so I hung up the phone and cried. I cried for the first time since I won the games. When I denied President Snow when he asked me to become a male prostitute for the Capitol. When he killed my whole family.
_
I sat on the train and saw the sparkling blue of the ocean that can only mean District 4. I haven't said a word to anyone since the night in the hospital. I'm afraid conversation would trigger the horrible memories.
We pull up to the train station and I see almost all of 4 have gathered here just to welcome me home.
Okay so I didn't kill all of them.
I refuse to make eye contact with anyone as Faustina leads me off the train and into the awaiting car to take me my new home in the Victor's village. I'm finally allowed to live on my own now; instead of being passed from relative to relative as I killed my parents.
Wait. Did I kill my parents? Yes I did. No they died in a boating accident. No I caused it.
I had the sudden urge to cry out and hit someone. Anyone that could be causing this. I remember the doctor said this would happen so I tried to hide somewhere in my mind, but I could still hear the crowd of people so I covered my ears and curled up against the window and tried to think of happier things.
Before I knew it we were at Victors Village and instead of leading me towards my new house Faustina takes me to Finnick's front door, kisses me on the cheek and walks silently back to the awaiting car.
I didn't know what to do; I didn't want to just knock on the door.
What if he hated me? Why would he hate me? Because I killed his family! No. I didn't kill his family, Snow did. Did he though?
I covered my ears with my hands and sit on Finnick's front porch, rocking back and forth, whimpering to myself.
I don't even hear the front door open, but I smell the ocean and feel warm arms around me and I know without a doubt that it's Finnick.
"I'm so sorry Annie, I'm so, so sorry," he mutters in my ear over and over again.
I leaned into him and cried until I was shaking and tired.
He picked me up and carried me into his lavish house and set me down on the couch.
"So I didn't kill you?" I ask quietly.
Finnick was taken aback. "Wha- what? No of course you didn't kill me!" said Finnick, obviously confused.
The memory that had been surfacing in my mind changed as Finnick raised his voice.
That's right, I didn't try to kill Finnick at all. He tried to kill me.
I just found Annie crying on my front step.
Not the reunion I had imagined, but under the circumstances I just have to take what I can get. I can see that she isn't going to come in by herself, so I scoop her up bridal style and set her down on my couch.
She isn't making eye contact with me, but stares at a picture on my mantle. It's a picture of her and I on the beach about a year or two after my games. Our lives were relatively carefree. It was the summer before Snow killed my family. And a whole year before Annie's family died. Annie was an only child and was just shunted from families; I had a younger sister and older brother.
Snow made quick work of getting rid of them.
I look Annie over and just now truly appreciate that she has just survived the Hunger Games. Annie Cresta was a Victor. I make over to the couch and reach down to hug her. She recoiled, and then really surprised me. She started flailing her limbs everywhere as if trying to fight me off. Her elbow caught me in the nose and I felt a steady flow of blood. I tried to restrain her, but for such a small girl she has incredible strength. I look into her eyes and notice for the first time, that this isn't Annie. Yes this is Annie's body, but the mind inside is a broken twisted version of her own. Her deep ocean blue eyes are filled with an animosity I could never have imagined on a girl like Annie.
"You… you tried to kill me! You hate me! YOU TRIED TO KILL ME!" Annie's voice cracked as she yelled her accusations at me.
I felt like somebody had punched me in the chest. I seemed to forget how to breathe for a second. I completely let go of Annie's body and take a step back. I run my shaking hands through my hair and try to remember what her doctor said.
He said her memories have warped with her dreams and she's not entirely sure what's real and what's not. He recommended a game – a game. I am so tired of these things they call 'games'- called "Real or Not Real."
He also mentioned she was trapped in her nightmares and sometimes would resort to violence to try and fight it off.
I sit in the chair across the room waiting for her to stop screaming obscenities at me. I could handle the fact that she had lost her mind, but I never imagined she would hate me I'm trying my best not to hold it against her, I know she's not doing it on purpose. But this is the worst kind of pain. Knowing she hates me. I always imagined that when Annie came home she would seek comfort in my arms and I would be there for her, but that couldn't happen if she thinks I tried to kill her.
She stopped screaming and went back to covering her ears and muttering to herself. I walk slowly back towards the couch and sit on the opposite side.
"Annie… Annie, are you- are you okay?" I asked timidly.
Of course she's not okay you dunce! She just went through the Hunger Games and is now living inside of her nightmares, would you be okay?
She grits and her teeth and says "You are a victor. Real or Not Real?"
"Real," I said.
"I'm now a victor?"
"Real."
"You tried to kill me?"
"Definitely Not Real."
"I tried to kill you?"
"Not Real."
"Finnick… Did I ever kill anyone?"
"No Annie, you've never killed anyone before and you never will."
I see her resolve break and she leans into me and lets out the most gut-wrenching sobs. It causes me physical pain to hear her so distraught.
I decide right then that I would never leave Annie's side. No matter what she says or thinks, I will be with her through everything. We are both on our own now. So we might as well be on our own together.
I wake up in Finnick's arms every single morning for the next three years. Today is Reaping Day for the 74th Hunger games. I have been excused from being a mentor due to my "deteriorated mental state." The Capitol acts like it's a shame that I lost my mind. Everyone seems to forget it was their doing that got me to where I am. I realize how crazy I must look to other people though. In order to control my memories I have to drown out everything around me so I found covering my ears is the best way to shut out the world. In order to fight off the worst memories I find myself thinking of all the funny things Finnick has said to me, which often leads to me laughing in inappropriate places during a conversation.
Today we lay around all day until we have to attend the reaping in the town square. As usual Finnick stands in the back of the crowd with me to avoid being smothered by other people. All they do is ask questions.
As there are two male mentors available, Finnick wasn't picked this year. Last year he was and I had to stay with my Aunt for a few weeks, she hasn't spoken to me since then.
I don't even remember the names of our tributes. One was a willowy girl about fourteen and the other is a twelve year old who doesn't look like he could win an arm wrestling contest.
We go back home and make dinner together. I have to retreat to my room for a while afterwards. Reaping day is always especially hard for Finnick and I. Finnick tends to sit sullenly out on the pier. I, however am frequented by my living nightmares more often than usual. Living in District 4 was excruciating for the longest time. Water had become a trigger source for my "episodes". Whenever I see it, it takes me back to my last few hours in the arena where I had to tread water for hours. Finnick has convinced me to go out on the pier with him tomorrow. He looked so eager so I finally gave in. I hear the front door open and gather myself again. I walk into the bathroom and brush my hair as Finnick walks in.
"Hey, are you ready to watch the recaps?"
"Yeah I guess…"
The Anthem plays and the Capitol symbol appears. Only a few tributes stick out to me. Some of the regular careers from One and Two. Ours from Four. A sly girl from Five. A little girl from Eleven who must just be eligible for the games for she looks like she can be no older than twelve. Then in Twelve, where most people stop paying attention another twelve year old gets reaped and just as I started to feel sympathy for her when a cry rings our from the crowd. A girl runs our screaming and volunteers to take the little girls place. Katniss Everdeen. She's one to watch this year.
Today Annie was finally persuaded to come down to the ocean with me. I promised her she wouldn't have to get wet or anything, I just wanted her to know there's nothing to be afraid of.
I walked into her bedroom to see if she was ready, she was wearing a lacy white sundress and had her hair braided intricately.
I grasped her hand and led her down to the gates that out of Victors Village. We walked downtown and then reached the oceanfront. There was a group of teenagers having a party at our pier. They don't look like they were going to cause any harm, well maybe because I'm Finnick Odair and I've killed children their age with my bare hands. Yeah that might be it.
We reach the pier and Annie looks extremely uncomfortable. I really don't want now to be one of the times she succumbs to her nightmares. I really want her here with me as we conquer a small bit of her fear.
We walk slowly hand in hand down the platform over the water and get to the group of fifteen-sixteen year olds enjoying the fact that they were not reaped yesterday. There were empty beer bottles around and they were all getting over excited. I notice my old neighbor Criss so I excuse myself from Annie for a minute while I go talk to him. He was the same age my sister would have been and everyone knows he liked her since they met.
We talk for a minute about nothing more than the usual pleasantries.
"Hey doll, wanna take a dip?" I whip around just in time to see a large sixteen year old guy grab Annie by the shoulders and toss her into the water. All of his buddies slapped him on the shoulder and laughing along with him, but none of them seemed to notice the young women struggling to stay above the surface.
Everyone in District 4 knows how to swim, which is why this normally isn't that big of a deal and so when someone yells "That's Annie Cresta!" The boys pale.
I dive into the water just as Annie slips under the surface. She seems to be struggling between fighting off the horrible memories that must be plaguing her and the need to stay above the surface.
Eventually it seems she gave up on both and just stopped.
I swam out to her and grabbed her before she could sink and swim over to the pier with her in my arms. The guys on the edge were trying to help in lifting her out of the water but I dismiss them and help her up myself.
Although it must be nearing 100 degrees that day, Annie was shivering as I held her near the edge.
"Shh… it's alright, it's alright I promise," I whispered soothingly in her ear.
"No you promise Finnick! You promised this wouldn't happen. Just like you promised I wouldn't get reaped and I was because you defied President Snow!"
That cut deep.
I wish I could say that what she said wasn't true, but for all I know it could be. Annie's reaping was timed right after my parents were killed. After I told President Snow I wouldn't solicit my body to women in the Capitol. What Annie doesn't know is that after her reaping, I begged President Snow for a second chance and have now been making frequent "business trips" to the Capitol. Annie was all I had left and I could not let him take her again.
Water. Ocean. Arena. Samuel.
Images flashed into my mind from the Games. Me painstakingly treading water for hours and hours on end. Samuel having his head severed from his body in one swift jerk from the arm of our fellow tribute.
This time though, I wasn't rescued by the Capitol hovercraft but by the familiar arms of Finnick Odair. He pulled me gently onto the pier as I told him he did this to me.
Did he though? Yes. Finnick caused me to go into the games. No. The Games are the Capitol's doings. But if Finnick had done as Snow had asked-
"You caused me to go into the games, Real or Not Real?"
I feel his muscles tighten as he hesitates. "I want to say Not Real Annie, I really do. But I just… I'm just not completely sure and I promised I would never knowingly lie to you."
I sigh and lean into him.
"Finnick, do you really love me?"
"I really, really do, more than anyone has ever loved anyone before."
"But Finnick, you have all those women in the Capitol-"
"Who told you about those, Annie?"
"I'm not an idiot, Finnick. I know you don't actually have business in the Capitol."
"I'm really sorry… I had to keep you safe and I knew you were the next person they'd go after if I didn't and I didn't know what to do," Finnick looked fairly troubled over the fact that he was trying to save my life.
"No Finnick, I'm sorry you have to do this for me. It would have been better for everyone if I had just died in the arena like I was supposed to."
Finnick grabs me gruffly by the shoulders and forces me to my feet.
"Annie Cresta, don't you ever say that again."
"Finnick, I-"
"No Annie, you let me finish. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You're also the last thing in this world I have left to care for. And you better NEVER forget that, no matter what happens. Now let's go home, okay?"
I had forgotten that we were still standing in the middle of a teenage party. I felt my face go red and I follow Finnick back off the pier towards Victors Village.
The next few weeks go back to normal as Finnick and I occasionally catch glances of the Hunger Games, the rules have changed this year and I find myself rooting for the couple from District Twelve.
As it turns out that couple does win, Katniss and Peeta. They are all the rage in the Capitol Finnick tells me. Everyone is caught up in their once tragic circumstances, and their stunt with the berries.
Finnick is associated with the wives of some very high up political officers and there seems to be a rebellion brewing across Panem. One day after Katniss and Peeta's victory tour, Finnick is called to District Twelve to meet with their only other living victor, Haymitch Abernathy. When he comes home he, being the completely honest Finnick tells me that Haymitch has asked him to be a part of the upcoming rebellion.
He says they don't know what that may entail just yet, but he agreed whole heartedly to be a part of whatever happens.
That's just the kind of person Finnick is.
"Now we honor our third Quarter Quell, on the seventy-fifth anniversary, as a reminder to the rebels that even the strongest among them cannot overcome the power of the Capitol, the male and female tributes will be reaped from their existing pool of victors."
I stare at the screen in horror. There are about 12 male victors from District 4. But only two females, Annie and my old mentor Mags. I cannot fathom either of them going back in the arena, but if I'm being honest, I'd rather it be Mags above Annie.
Annie too, is staring at the screen, but not like I am. She is once again locked inside her own head. I want to pull her out of his, but it's times like this where I think she's safer inside her own mind.
The next day I get a call of Plutarch Heavensbee of all people. He fills me on the plan of rebellion if I happen to be reaped and what I am to do if I am not. After I hang up I walk into the room Annie and I now share and lay down next to her sleeping form, wishing I could freeze this moment right here.
On the day of the reaping, Annie asks me to come and braid her hair because her hands are shaking too badly. I oblige and admire how long her dark brown hair is and how soft it is running between my fingers.
"Are you okay Annie," I asked staring into her blue eyes.
"No, No Finnick I am not, and you know that."
As much as I appreciate her raw honesty, that does not make me feel any better.
All fourteen of us stand together in town square as our escort reaches into the large bowls with our names on them.
"Our female Tribute is- Annie Cresta!"
My extremities go cold and I feel like my insides have turned to lead. Annie starts screaming on the spot as Peacekeepers grab her and pull her forcefully onto the stage.
"I volunteer as Tribute," I hear a frail voice coming from my left.
Mags edges her way between the two Peacekeepers and nudges Annie back to her space in the ropes. Annie is still screaming and crying but no one does anything to help her.
"And as for our male Tribute- Finnick Odair."
I thought I had mentally prepared myself for this outcome, but the cries of anguish coming from Annie, all but broke me. I had to remain strong for her.
They escorted me and Mags into the Justice Building where they permitted us less than a minute with everyone that wanted to see us. Seeing as Mags had nobody and I only had Annie, we went into the same room and a Peacekeeper thrust Annie through the door and said "fifty seconds."
I ran forward and hugged Annie for all I was worth, knowing that if the rebels plan failed, this could very well be the last time I'm ever with her.
"Finnick. Finnick, remember I love you, and remember I need to come home, okay? I need you. I love you Finnick."
"I'll come back to you Annie, I promise. I won't let anything bad happen to you. I love you," I grabbed her and kissed her until the Peacekeepers came back and said it was time for her to go.
"I love you Finnick!"
"I love you too Annie, remember that, okay above all the other memories, remember that. I love you okay?"
The Peacekeepers grab her by the arms and pull her out of the room and I see the tears streaming down her face that I'm sure are mirrored on my own.
All I can do now is follow the rebels plan, pray that Snow forgets about Annie, and remember to keep my promise.
No matter what, I will come back for her.