Up in Arms

Summary: Finally fed up with his lack of respect and constant missing-arm crises, Conrad decides to leave Blood Pledge Castle. But Yuuri comes up with a solution to cheer him up… much to the chagrin of everyone else in the kingdom. Crack. Some Yuuram.

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Kyou Kara Maou.

Warnings: Arm loss.

A/N: How did I get pyrrhic_victoly to beta this and make it suck less? Kidnapping.

Chapter 1: Conrad is in Possession of a Despair

If anyone could possess a single unit of sadness, hereby referred to as one (1) sad, it would be Conrad Weller. Alas, it was another day when he was the answer to some random prophecy that decided the fate of the world. It was another day where he adventured to the ends of the earth and killed thousands of nameless guards, who probably had families who loved them but also the misfortune of being nameless. A long day in which he nursed kittens back to health using his own breast milk… and of course, another day where he found himself missing both of his arms.

Of all of these events, which were regular occurrences for Conrad Weller, his missing arms were by far the most troubling to him. He couldn't scratch his back, or even use a back-scratcher. He was utterly unable to stab people for fun, cutting random people down in the prime of their lives in the name of justice and maintaining peace. Worst of all, he couldn't even lean against the wall with his arms crossed (and you know, simply leaning is never enough).

Even his flashbacks seemed to have lost their luster. Every time he sought to remember the famous Battle of Luttenberg, he couldn't help but imagine how it would have turned out if he had no arms. Having learned the infamous Roundhouse Kick from his late father, he assumed that the battle would still end in his favor… but how could he have lifted his sword to sound the charge? That was the best part!

Conrad's chronic arm-loss was causing him to miss out on the best parts of life. And this is why he had a sad.

He was leaning against the wall in King Yuuri's office. But he felt ridiculous, leaning there with his lower half thrust out. Without arms to cross on his chest it just wasn't cool. Nothing was cool. He sank down to the ground in pouty despair. No one understood the depths of his suffering! Whenever he lost an arm, it sometimes took him days to regrow another one! What was he supposed to do until then? Take up tap dancing? The very thought horrified him. No, he was worthless without Righty and Lefty, his two closest friends.

Well, Conrad couldn't take it any longer! After hours of wallowing in his own self-pity, he had come up with an idea! He would retire from his job as a… well, he wasn't entirely sure what exactly his job was, but he wasn't going to do it anymore! He would quit and find a job that allowed him to hang onto his arms. Maybe he would be a carpenter, or a bull-fighter! Perhaps he could get a job in a factory or sweatshop somewhere, working with dangerous equipment. Or he could swim with sharks! The possibilities were endless. And all he had to do was pen his resignation.

This proved difficult for him, seeing as he did not have any hands. He used the side of his foot to scrape off his boot, and his teeth to untie the boot knife he kept there at all times. He also used his teeth to remove off the three pairs of socks his mother made him wear, and the two pairs of socks Gunter guilted him into wearing. Finally, he grabbed a pen between his toes and began scribbling. After writing a rather stinky letter with the boot knife between his teeth, he replaced all five socks, in the same order, strapped the knife to his ankle again, and replaced the boot. He was finally ready to leave for the next stage of his life! He picked up the letter in his mouth and left the office.

"Conrad! Heeeey, Conrad!" came Yuuri's needy call from across the courtyard. Yuuri had a sort of radar, a Condar if you will, that aided him in his need to be in the exact same room as Conrad at all times. Conrad couldn't even go to the bathroom without Yuuri worriedly asking when he would be out, if he could hurry up, and if his bowel movement wasn't too painful. Yes, Yuuri was clearly addicted to Conrad's very presence. Conrad realized that this would make his planned exodus difficult.

"Conrad! Where have you been? I can't eat lunch unless you're there to watch me!" Yuuri whined pathetically.

"Mmm ffmmph hppmmmmrrrp," responded Conrad, his letter of resignation still in his mouth.

"What's that? Wait, where are your arms? Did you lose them again?"

Conrad tried to shrug, but without arms to push his shoulders up it didn't work. So he nodded instead. He supposed that now was as good at time as any to break the news to his king. He spit out the letter at Yuuri.

"Read this," he said. Yuuri picked up the letter and read.

Ddeer yo0u8r4 mkaije4swtyy,

I quit5. No r5mk makes me saed.

Cdoonraqd.

"What?" asked Yuuri, unable to read the letter Conrad had written with his feet.

"It is my letter of resignation. I am leaving to become a carpenter or something!" said Conrad, proudly.

Yuuri threw a hissy-fit.

"What? Conrad, how can you leave? Didn't you promise me you'd be by my side always forever for every moment of every day of every year? You promised! You swore! You are Conrad and I am Yuuri and you have to protect me and be there and do my laundry and rescue me when I get kidnapped why are you doing this why do you hate me?"

This was going better than Conrad had expected. At least Yuuri hadn't started crying, or pounding his fists on Conrad's chest, as he sometimes did.

"Your Majesty, I'm sick of losing my arms all the time! I'm going to quit and run away and become very rich and own a car and a plane, and one day return and show you how rich I am!"

"We don't have cars and planes here!"

"That is exactly why I hate this castle, Your Majesty. No cars. No planes. And even if we had them, I couldn't drive them because I don't have any arms!"

"Also because the last time you drove a car, you destroyed a Farmer's Market in Los Angeles," Yuuri pointed out.

"That's because I learned to drive from your mom! What do you expect?"

"Hey, Sir Weller, can you give me a hand?" grunted Dorcas from across the courtyard, as he attempted to carry a heavy load of horse feed.

"Stop oppressing me!" cried Conrad. "I save the world like every day, but do I ever get respect? Nooo. All I ask is for my own noble family, with blackjack, and hookers, but do you let me? Of course not!"

"Um, it's hard to have an entire noble family with only one person in it-"

"That is another thing! Why can't I ever get laid? What is this, a harem? I just stand around while everyone else gets together and makes babies?"

"Conrad, I am not going to help you get laid-"

"My room doesn't even have plumbing! And my bedsheets are green."

"Yeah, your uniform is pretty bad too, what's with the brown?"

"So I am leaving. And no amount of whining will convince me to stay! It is my turn to whine, damnit!"

Yuuri pondered for a moment.

"So, you're saying you want to leave because you don't get any respect?"

"Right. This disability is hard, and this castle is full of ableist bastards."

Yuuri snapped his fingers.

"I have an idea! Follow me!"

So Yuuri marched to his office, beaming, while Conrad followed behind him, wondering why he wasn't bull-fighting in China or teaching English to Australians or doing all the epic things he wanted to do.

He sulked in the corner as Yuuri sat at his desk, scribbling on an official-looking piece of paper.

"You're mocking me," said Conrad grumpily, staring at the pen moving gracefully in Yuuri's hand.

At this very time Wolfram von Biedefeld entered the room. Just as Yuuri was dependent on Conrad's constant presence, Wolfram got his jollies by verbally and physically abusing his fiancé.

"Yuuri, what are you doing? I specifically remember commanding you to remain within five feet of me at all times!"

"I can't, because then there isn't enough room for Conrad to remain within five feet of me at all times!"

"I just want my arms back," whined Conrad, glowering in his corner of the room.

"A-ha, I have finished!" said Yuuri, signing the official-looking paper.

"What is that?" asked Wolfram.

"It's an official decree to raise awareness for Conrad's armlessness!" Yuuri boasted happily.

"And how does it do that?" Wolfram looked skeptical.

Yuuri scooted back his chair and raised the newly-signed decree.

"By order of King Yuuri, 27th Maou of Shin Makoku, all persons within a twenty-mile radius of Blood Pledge Castle are henceforth forbidden to use either of their arms, until further notice!"

"What?" yelled Wolfram, grabbing Yuuri by the cuff of his jacket and shaking him.

"Conrad says that he never gets enough respect for his loss of arms, so I made this law so that everyone can know what it feels like."

"What?" Wolfram kept shaking Yuuri as if he was an Etch-A-Sketch, and had a stupid idea that needed erasing.

"Wolfram, stop, you're not allowed to use your arms anymore!" said Yuuri, who then realized that he was still holding up the paper. He dropped it, allowing his arms to fall at his side. Wolfram pouted, crossing his arms, and then realized what he was doing and uncrossed them.

"Stupid wimp."

From the corner of the room, Conrad smiled.