Authors note: okay so you ppl are really mean I mean i used to REALLY like twilight but im like so over it by now bcuz im not goth anymore and it is stupid so i wrote this fanfic because i still wanna practice my spelling
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"Hello," said Edward, "I'm here today because I need to tell you all something very important!"
All right, so you might want to know what's going on, right? Well, since a book was written about him and exposed his existence to the public, he has gotten attack by hoards of fangirls who are overly obsessed with his oh-so-amazing sparkly glitter glitz bod. To end the constant harassment, Edward came up with a plan; first which required taking over the school's assembly.
"My body can no longer handle animal blood. My taste buds crave humans."
Everyone (fangirls) stood in shock, mostly because they suffer from Insane Fangirl Syndrome, which automatically meant that they were too dense to make sense of things or even be some-what logical.
And so, Edward quickly jumped off the stage and grabbed a 13-year-old girl, like the pedo he is, and shoved his teeth in her neck to suck out her poisonous blood.
"AHHHHHHHHG!" yelled Edward, "how did I not know that fangirl blood was poisoned... tainted with... general stupidity?"
At the sudden excitement, the fangirls started gropping each other's beards. Yes, beards. Because all fangirls became fangirls because they were isolated by their peers for being different, and they're just as "plain" (ugly) as Bella Swan because they can relate to her oh-so-amazing non-existent personality.
Looking at the girls fingering and twirling each other's beards, Edward realized he was attracted to such a site - and he realized it was because it was a manly thing and he was actually a homosexual!
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next chapter; Edward licks Jacob's fork clean; but of what?