Sup Mofos! The empress has arrived- along with my bitch *cough* I mean adviser- to bring you something to please your brain-dead imaginations. Enjoy.
Once upon a time in Ravenclaw Tower-
"Why are we in Ravenclaw Tower?" asked a mysterious unidentified main character.
Because we said so, damn it. Anyway, once upon a time in Ravenclaw Tower, there lived a girl who had never seen the world outside of Ravenclaw Tower- or, apparently, a barber, because sheesh her hair was gnarly. This girl was named Hermione, unless you ask her mother, who insists her name is Rapunzel. Crazy bitch. Anywho, this girl Hermione spent most of her time with her badass chameleon friend Neville, singing and cleaning like she's motherfrumping Snow White.
"~Seven a.m. the usual-" Hermione began to sing.
No singing! Exclaimed the fourth-wall-breaking authors.
"But-"
We said no.
"Please?'
Heckie nah.
And that was the end of that.
Anywho numero two, she was chilling with Neville, singing and all that fabulous jazz, when out of the blue her negligent mother, Bellatrix- we assume she's negligent because she doesn't seem to live in Ravenclaw Tower with her daughter- decided to pop in for a visit.
"Yo Rapunzel, hoist me up would ya?"
Obediently she did so-because we wrote her in as Bellatrix's obedient little bitch- using her gnarly ass hair which for some reason Bellatrix is okay with touching. Once Bellatrix was in, Hermione opened her arms for a hug and was blatantly REJECTED. How rude. Neville then took the opportunity to stick his tongue out at Bellatrix- who also looked like she hadn't seen a barber or a mirror in quite some time- while her back was turned.
"How was your journey Mother?" asked Hermione eagerly.
"Boring as hell," Bellatrix replied, slumping down in a chair. "Now, come hither you frizzy-haired frea- I mean darling child, let me caress your hair. " Hermione went diving to the floor in order to make her pimp- I mean mother- happy sooner. Bellatrix proceeded to then stroke Hermione's ratchet hair creepily, while singing one scary-ass song to it. Like Golem.
"Flower, gleam-"
We said no singing.
"Who the hell are you?! Avada-"
Uh-uh, naughty naughty.
While Bellatrix was molesting Hermione's hair and Hermione was squealing over the little affection she was given, a question came to the hag- I mean, young woman's mind.
"Mother?"
"Yes Rapunzel?"
"I've been wondering," she began slowly. "Now that I'm seventeen-"
"What?! I call BS, aren't you like twelve?" Bellatrix protested.
"…No. Anyway, now that I'm seventeen, I was wondering if you would let me see the outside world? Or hell, the rest of the castle would be cool too." Bellatrix was angered by her daughter's vulgar language.
"Bitch, I told you not to use that kind of fucking language!" Bellatrix exclaimed. Hermione squeaked and bent to kiss her mother's feet.
"I'm sorry Mother!"
"You better be, little fucker. Now enough of this conversation, I'm gonna go pick some weeds to put in your soup. PEACE!"
Gueeeess what time it is! That's right ma peeps! Review. Review like your fucking crazy. It'll take five freaking seconds. Look. See that button at the bottom of the page. It is calling to you. It will haunt your nightmares if it remains unpleased. Do you want that? I thought not. So review damn it.
My apologies, she's a bitch when she doesn't get Twinkies. Reviews please?
More to come if your empress is pleased!