Note: This story occurs outside my usual story continuity.
From Acolytes to All of You
"Greetings humans, mutants and anyone else who happens to be out there," Magneto sat behind a large desk with his helmet set to one side. "I am Magneto and I am here in response to the unbelievable and absolutely improbable amount of interest you people have shown towards me and my Acolytes."
"Thanks Mags for bothering to mention the rest of us in your self-centered introduction," Remy mocked sarcastically while positioned out of sight.
"Silence Gambit!" Magneto hissed angrily. "And don't call me Mags!" He quickly composed himself. "As I was saying, there has been a surprising amount of people who have shown interest in our stories involving the Acolytes. And by 'surprising amount' I mean a number greater than one! People all over the world have noticed our stories and have not only bothered to read through the dumb things, but actually like them! Tons of feedback and support for our Acolyte stories have been received, far more than certainly I ever expected."
"I am truly shocked at how much you all seem to enjoy the tales and antics involving me and my Acolytes. Such reactions are not only unexpected, they are beyond mind-blowing. Therefore, I have only this to say: WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? Are you all brain damaged or something? How can you possibly enjoy seeing me suffer as I try to deal with the never-ending stream of insanity cooked up by my subordinates and the sick, twisted lunatic of an author?"
"How can they not?" Remy quipped walking into view. "You gotta admit they do have good taste!"
"Besides, it's not that bad," Pyro said appearing on the other side of Magneto. "We get to make new friends, set fire to new things, play with animals and have all sorts of fun!"
"No we don't!" Magneto snapped. "Virtually nothing we do in these dumb stories is fun! They all have us dealing with stupid, idiotic, uncontrollable madness!"
"So? They're funny!" Pyro laughed.
"They're insane!" Magneto spat. "Nonsense made up by some two-bit, no talent hack who has nothing better to do than come up with ways to make my life miserable! These stories are a joke! They are pointless! They have no themes, no plot lines, no memorable quotes worth mentioning. If it wasn't for the fact that I am in some of them these so-called stories would be completely and totally worthless!"
"At least now we know which parent Quicksilver inherited his narcissistic gene from," Remy quipped.
"No wonder Mags never spends any time with him," Pyro remarked. "They can never find enough space to fit both of their egos."
"And why do people keep saying how much they like our stories?" Magneto continued to rant. "They supposedly like the Acolytes, yet they enjoy seeing me tortured again and again and made to look like an utter fool! Here is a newsflash people! If you really like someone you are not supposed to enjoy it when they are ruthless tormented and forced to suffer!"
"Maybe they don't like you?" Remy looked at Magneto. "Ever think of that?"
"Oh come on!" Magneto scoffed. "I'm Magneto, the Master of Magnetism! The leader of the Acolytes! How can people not like me?"
"You want the short list or the long?" Remy quipped.
"There is a difference?" Piotr asked from out of sight.
"SHUT UP!" Magneto roared. "See? These stupid, childish insults are exactly the kind of nonsense that I am forced to put up with! We should be doing things that are actually constructive and useful for a change! Like featuring in stories that focus on freedom, morality, intrigue and the advance of mutant rights. Not mindless silliness that has us behaving like a bunch of out of control wackos!"
"Like the time you got drunk and went around singing while dressed up in a chicken suit?" Piotr called out again.
"Oh man, that was classic," Remy giggled. "The public loved that!"
"They love any time when Magneto gets what is coming to him," Piotr was heard chuckling to himself. "And personally so do I."
"Oh like you are ones to talk!" Magneto snapped at them. "You fools are out there causing chaos and suffering right along with me! Like when Pyro goes and tries to burn everything in sight! From the way people enjoy it whenever that happens they don't seem to like you two as much as you think they do!"
"Hey, the people like us," Remy defended. "They say so all the time in our fan mail."
"Fan mail?" Magneto blinked. "We don't get fan mail."
"Yes we do," Piotr appeared carrying several large, bulging mail bags. He opened them up and pulled out a letter. "People send us fan mail all the time."
"What?" Magneto yelped in shock. "How come I have never heard about this?"
"Probably because you never get any fan mail," Remy smirked opening up a letter. "Hey Piotr! Look at what this femme wrote you!"
"Oh my," Piotr blushed reading through the letter. "That is very...generous."
"I'll say," Remy grinned slapping him on the back. "And these pictures she sent of herself are very generous too!"
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN I NEVER GET ANY FAN MAIL?" Magneto yelled. "I'M FIGHTING FOR THE BENEFIT OF ALL MUTANT KIND! I SHOULD BE SWIMMING IN THE STUFF!"
"Well you do get a lot a hate mail," Remy said. "But none of it manages to get pass the censors so we just let Pyro burn it all whenever it comes in."
"I am sure we will be getting a lot more hate mail once people have finishing viewing all this," Piotr groaned.
"I don't believe it!" Magneto fumed. "After all I've done, after all I've been through, after being forced to put up with all of you for who knows how long, HOW CAN I NOT HAVE GOTTEN ANY FAN MAIL?"
"Sorry Mags," Remy smirked. "Not everyone can be as popular and loveable as us."
"SHUT UP GAMBIT! AND DON'T CALL ME MAGS!" Magneto shouted. "I don't see your name on any of those letters! You must not get any fan mail either!"
"Huh? Oh, no. All of this mail is Piotr's," Remy walked over to a side door and opened it. "This is mine!"
An avalanche of mail fell out burying Remy up to his waist. "And this is just half of it," Remy smiled. "The mail dealing with adoption offers and marriage proposals takes up a whole 'nother room!"
"Wheeeeeeeee!" Pyro laughed happily as he rode by on top of a huge tidal wave of fan mail and packages. "Thank you all you great, wonderful people out there! I love you!"
"Though it still doesn't come close to equaling all the mail Pyro has received," Remy grumbled annoyingly.
"Well, who cares about fan mail anyway?" Magneto threw up his hands in disgust. "I'm sure there are plenty of other characters out there people hate and never get any kind of fan mail whatsoever!"
"Hey! I got three letters this time!" Sabertooth was heard shouting in the distance. "One of them from a chick. 'Creed you rock!' Alright!"
"AAARRRGGGHHHHHHHHH!" Magneto screamed and stomped out of sight.
"I think that should deflate Mags' ego down a size or two," Remy smirked.
"Too bad it is not likely to last," Piotr sighed.
"Hey mates! Look at all the great stuff my fans sent me!" Pyro yelled off to the side. "Crates of firecrackers, fireworks, nitro and three dozen cases of shellite!"
"What? Oh no! Not again!" Piotr yelled and ran off. "I thought we sent out a notice telling people not to send him any more flammable stuff!"
"Yeah right, like anybody would actually ever conform to that," Remy groaned. "Let's go!" He quickly followed Piotr to stop Pyro from setting anything on fire.
"Excuse me, I would like to say a few things here," Sabertooth walked out and stood in front of the desk. "Now I don't like putting up with this insane garbage any more than Magneto does, but at least it means I get some screen time. Yeah, even if it means dealing with the quack of an author and the rest of these cracked nuts, but hey, any publicity is better than nothing!"
"PYRO PUT DOWN THAT TANK OF HEATING OIL RIGHT NOW!" Remy was heard shouting. "AND DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT SETTING OFF THAT THERMITE!"
KA-BOOM!
"That being said," Sabertooth winced as something exploded in the background. "I wouldn't mind taking a break and letting someone else star in some of these stories for a while. So if you think you can have the focus shift onto some other group or groups for a time, by all means go ahead!"
POW! CRACK! WHIZZZZZZ! FIZZLE! EEEEEEEEEEEE! TSSSEEEWWW! TSSSEEEWWW! TSSSEEEWWW!
"PYRO YOU MANIAC!" Remy yelped painfully. "YOU KNOW BETTER THAN TO SET OFF A WHOLE BOX OF FIREWORKS INDOORS!"
"I'm serious here people!" Sabertooth ducked as several stray fireworks whizzed past his head. "We Acolytes could really use a break! Why should we be the only ones to suffer through all this? Let someone else do it for a while! I know I'd love to see some of this weird, pointless madness go and happen to Wolverine!"
"You're not the only one," Remy coughed walking out while slightly covered with soot. "Pyro keeps getting nuttier and harder to deal with every day! At least Piotr managed to distract him long enough this time for us to put all the fires out. And for me to take away his pack and lighters."
"Who cares about that? We gotta convince the public to crave stories that involve people besides us!" Sabertooth snapped and began twitching nervously. "The new characters don't even have to be part of the same universe! I'm sure there are plenty of other shows, series, book titles or whatever you'd like to see infected with insanity instead of having it all focused on us!"
"Or better yet, focused on the fan authors who write about those series," Remy suggested. "They're the ones who should be forced to suffer through all the mad, random insanity they write about!"
"So if you really like the Acolytes and really want to help us out than for the love of mike do something to get us away from all this!" Sabertooth fell to his knees and held up his clasped hands beggingly. "Please! I'm begging you! I can't take any more of this craziness! I'd rather go back to working with Weapon X than being in another one of these stories!"
"Uh Sabes? I think they get the picture," Remy blinked and tried to calm him down.
"PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE!" Sabertooth screamed. "NO MORE! NO MORE!"
"O-kay, moving on to our next segment," Remy walked off and left Sabertooth bawling and curled up on the floor to have his little nervous breakdown in peace. "Despite what some of us have said, we do like knowing that you people enjoy our Acolyte stories and really appreciate all your support. Telling us how much our stories make you laugh and brighten up your day are what really makes all our suffering and hard work worthwhile. But why stop there?"
A large curtain was pulled aside revealing shelves stocked with all kinds of various Acolyte memorabilia. "Why not get some handsome merchandise and mementos to really show your support for the Acolytes!"
Remy walked down the aisle showing off the assorted items. "We have Acolyte mugs, Acolyte hats, Acolyte sunglasses and tons of these fun Acolyte T-shirts!" Remy held up a shirt that had a large portrait of his face on the front. "Wear one of these babies and it will be like having me with you all the time, everywhere you go!"
"Or these!" Pyro popped up wearing an Acolyte mask with Piotr's face on the front. "Support your favorite Acolytes by actually pretending to be them! All patterns are based on the real physical appearance of us Acolytes. Shelias particularly seem to like our full body depiction on pajamas!"
"And how can you not want one of these wonderful items?" Remy held up a surprisingly life-like punching bag version of Magneto. "Hurry quick while supplies last. These things are going like hotcakes!"
"And don't forget our music selection!" Pyro grinned as a familiar song tune began to play. "All our Acolyte parodies collected in a set of fun, individual albums! Like my personal favorite 'Burning with Pyro'. Enjoy making your own fires and burning along while listening to these unforgettable hits! Especially when you have one of these beautiful, fully functioning Acolyte flamethrowers!"
"PUT THAT DOWN!" Remy shouted at him. "You promised not to perform any working demonstrations with them!"
"Awww," Pyro pouted.
"Are you sure this is right?" Piotr asked walked up to Remy. "Offering things related to the Acolytes and asking people to act as living advertisements?"
"Hey, all the other big companies do it. Why not us?" Remy shrugged.
"Because I have someone yelling at us right now about violating copyrights, unlawful ownership claims and multiple legal issues," Piotr held up a phone.
"Oops," Remy gulped. "I knew we forgot something!"
"Well, looks like there's only thing to do," Pyro grinned and held up a flamethrower. "Burn the evidence!"
"NO!" Remy and Piotr shouted.
WHOOOOOOSSSHHH!
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Remy and Piotr yelled as all the Acolyte merchandise was quickly consumed by flames.
"YEAH! YEAH! HAHAHAHAHA!" Pyro laughed insanely.
"NO! IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN! I'M IN ANOTHER FIRE STORY! AAAGGGHHHHHH!" Sabertooth ran by screaming. "GET ME OUTTA HERE!"
CRASH!
"What the?" Remy shouted as Magneto appeared with several large, metal spiked wreaking balls whirling around him. "Mags? What are you doing?"
"WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M DOING? I'M DESTORYING THE MONSTROSITY THIS WHOLE STUPID MESS HAS TURNED INTO!" Magneto yelled and let loose with his wrecking balls. "IF I OBLITERATE ENOUGH OF IT WE'LL NEVER HAVE TO FEATURE IN ANOTHER ONE OF THESE DUMB STORIES AGAIN!"
"Yikes!" Pyro yelped as a large section of blazing Acolyte merchandise was quickly crushed to smithereens. "AAAHHHHHH! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!"
"Look out!" Piotr shouted as the rest of the burning set was brought down.
"YES! YES!" Magneto cackled maniacally as he directed his wrecking balls to destroy everything in sight. "AFTER THIS THERE WON'T BE ENOUGH LEFT TO CREATE ANOTHER ACOLYTE STORY LIKE THIS EVER AGAIN! HAHAHAHAHA!"
"You can hope for that if you want to," Remy quipped as ran. "Though personally I wouldn't count on it!"
Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution.