You're all I can't replace.
Even when Alicia had left Peter, she never really left him.
At the time, Alicia thought it meant something; she thought that leaving Peter meant something.
At the time, she had felt empowered and in control of her life.
She couldn't have been any more wrong.
As a rule, Alicia didn't measure herself according to other people—she wasn't other people: she was Alicia Florrick. She held herself to a different standard and it has been that way for as long as she could remember. But, there was a moment when she didn't, but that was fleeting and she discarded the idea before it could take root and become something more. The standard stuck, and then she became stuck. Stuck with ideas, responsibilities, and guilt; stuck with a very narrowly defined version of right and wrong; stuck being a person who didn't realize she was stuck.
And so when she left Peter, she never really left him.
It was an act of defiance that wasn't meant to last. How could it? Alicia may have gone out and rented Peter his own place, but she still had one foot in the door and foot out. She had taken Will as a lover, but she still wore her wedding band. The wedding band that she would touch out of habit and twist in concentration. The wedding band that, upon discovery that she was still wearing her rings, she couldn't bring herself to them take off. It was a thought she didn't dwell on too long, and it was a thought that she couldn't dwell on too long.
Because, if she did, Alicia would've realized that even though she left Peter, she never really left him. Her reluctance to give Will more wasn't about not being ready, but rather, being unwilling to commit because, deep down inside, she knew she was going to end up back with Peter. She had made vows. They had made a family.
Will couldn't have Alicia Florrick, but he could have Alicia Cavanaugh…. except that, he couldn't. Even when Alicia had been the latter, she eventually became the former. The lie worked for a while, and then it didn't. Because she was Alicia Florrick and she held herself to a different standard. There were still promises to be kept even when the other half didn't keep his promise.
But, he loved her. Will loved her.
She pretended not to know; it was a game that she had played since Georgetown. Alicia found it hard to contemplate the seriousness of Will's feelings for her. It made her think of fleeting moments and discard standards. It made her think of missed chances.
In the past, it was so easier to sum up those missed opportunities as bad timing. She had just gotten out of a relationship. They were such good friends. She had to focus on school. It would be awkward. He was with Helena. The break up was too fresh. She was with Peter now. There was always an excuse, and then there wasn't.
The truth was: Will terrified her.
There had been rules and standards, but with Will, she wanted to discard them and be someone different. And that terrified her.
Will had been the perfect counterbalance; providing her everything she never knew she needed. It was his ease, his thrill of the chase, his defiance, and his joking nature—the things that didn't come to her easily. And she provided structure, reliability, and accountability. But, it was also the challenge and the brewing passion.
When Will broke up with Helena, Alicia ran. Not intentionally, but she did and ended up on a date with Peter.
Alicia rationalized Will's break up with Helena as being afraid of commitment. She told him that he fantasized and made her out to be someone that she wasn't to escape a long-term investment. What other reason would anyone throw away a good relationship? Why would someone risk a good thing for an uncertain chance? Someone like that could only break her heart.
That was what she told herself.
But, she could've dug a little deeper and addressed some hard truths, which was: she was terrified of him. Will had worn his heart on his sleeve like he had a story to tell. That passion and risk he had so recklessly displayed had been reserved only for her.
Without a doubt, Alicia knew that she had loved Peter and that she had been in love with him once upon a time. But, there was a part of her that knew that she had been in love with him because he was safe and stable. Alicia could figure him out and knew what to expect, except when she didn't.
Despite being married to her for over a decade, Peter fell out of love with her, but she couldn't tell you when.
Despite not seeing her for over a decade, Will never stopped loving her and she couldn't tell you why.
Peter fell in love with her again, but Will never stopped loving her, even when he had reason to. Even when she betrayed him in order to survive. Even when he believed her to be awful, he stilled loved her.
He still loved her.
He still loved her.
He still loved her.
He loved her.
And he loved her until the end. He had worn his heart on his sleeve like he had a story to tell.
She told Will once that if they had dated while they were at Georgetown, they wouldn't have lasted a week. She may have been speaking the words to Will, but she was trying to convince herself of that. Alicia hated 'what ifs', which were hypotheticals that lack accountability. And still, she found herself wondering 'what if'. What if she had said yes at Georgetown? What if she had said yes fourteen years later? What if she had said yes in his car days before she decided to leave with Cary? She hated herself for asking those questions, but she couldn't help herself.
Ironically, in the end, all she has are her 'what ifs' and a broken heart.
Even when Will left Alicia, he never really left her.
My Heart is drenched in wine, but you'll be on my mind forever.