Jasmine's Night Out With Kryten, a red dwarf fanfic

Jasmine's Night Out With Kryten

Disclaimer: I do not own Red Dwarf, because they belong to Rob Grant and Doug Naylor. If I did, I'd have killed off Kochanski from every reality; even the parallel universe version.

Also the songs "Tik Tok" and "It Will Rain" do not belong to me. "Tik Tok" belongs to Ke$ha, and "It Will Rain" belongs to Bruno Mars.

The song "End" is mine, yet some of the lyrics or words involved in the song belong to Rob Grant and Doug Naylor; I don't know why I did the song, it is a bit weird, but then again, the three characters who sing it are a bit weird, and also I wrote it because I am a bit weird.

Jasmine Riker is mine.

Hello, AndroidLoveForAll here with a Red Dwarf fanfic. This is called "Jasmine's Night Out With Kryten".

Jasmine and Kryten get together. Also, Kryten punches Lister.

This is not separated into chapters.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXX

Jasmine looked at the clock; 7:30pm.

It was only a matter of time before she'd be "borrowing" Starbug for a night out on the planet of Partride.

She opened her wardrobe, where she pulled out a black dress and long black boots, which had skulls on.

She texted her friend;

Yo, girl.

It's Jazz.

U still meetin' me on Partride?

Several minutes later she got a reply to her text;

No, Jazz, sorry, can't.

Gotta babysit the lil Fangland.

Rachel.

Jasmine sighed and texted back;

No prob, girl.

C u again.

Say "hey" to ur parents 4 me.

Jasmine sighed and thought about who'd be able to replace Rachel.

Jasmine walked around Red Dwarf and entered the sleeping quarters, where the others were and looked at them.

Lister; he'd get hammered and try it on with me, Rimmer; if what Lister says, he'd be boring, Cat; fun and would stand out but wouldn't leave the girls alone, hence getting beaten up, Kryten; an android, nuff said.

'Hello, Jazz,' Lister said, 'want a lager?'

'No, thanks, Dave.'

'You alright? You seem down.'

'Yeah, yeah, fine.'

Rimmer turned to her. 'Want to play a game of Scrabble?'

'Nah, you're alright, Arn.'

Cat grinned at them. 'You know, I like that top. Where'd you get it from?'

'The planet of GothVille. They have everything Gothic, including the police.'

'What, so not the uniform they would have worn in the 21st Century?'

'No. The tops are skulls, the trousers are jeans with chains on and the Doc Marten shoes. Perfect. I actually did once have a little thing for one of them until he took his hat off. He was a bugly.'

'A bugly?'

'A bald and ugly man. Some bald men are quite nice, but he was ugly.'

Cat laughed at the word and began saying it over and over.

Kryten smiled at Jasmine, who nodded in reply and walked out.

Cat decided to go to bed, as did Rimmer.

Lister decided to watch some horror films.

Kryten left the three in peace.

Jasmine got changed and walked out of her room.

As she rounded the corner, she saw Bob the Skutter.

'Yo, Bob.'

Bob squeaked in reply, as if to say "hi".

Bob squeaked again as if to say "you look lovely".

'Thanks, Bob.'

Bob squeaked happily and went off to watch a John Wayne western.

Kryten walked along and saw Bob.

'Evening, Bob. Off to watch John Wayne?'

Bob squeaked as if to say "of course."

Kryten asked. 'Have you seen Jazz?'

Bob nodded.

Then he squeaked.

'Did you say "dressed up"?'

Bob nodded.

'Any idea why?'

Bob shook his head.

'Alright, Bob, see you later.'

Bob went off.

Kryten walked into the galley, where Jasmine was drinking some Coca-Cola.

Kryten looked at the human and said, 'alright?'

Jasmine was lost in thought, so didn't reply.

Kryten said, 'alright,' a lot louder.

Jasmine jumped.

'Sorry, did I scare you?'

'You made me jump, but you know me, I'm fearless, K.'

Kryten studied the dress Jasmine was wearing. 'That's a lovely dress you're wearing.'

'Thanks.'

'You going out?'

'Yes, but I don't want the others to know. Hey, why don't you come with me? I'll show you my basic night out.'

'Yeah, alright.'

'Just one condition though, K. Dress Gothic.'

'Can do.'

So Jasmine helped him pick out some clothes.

He "borrowed" Lister's long leather jacket and Cat's boots.

He found some black men's jeans and discovered a Gothic t-shirt, that was Rimmer's.

'I didn't know Mr Rimmer had a Gothic t-shirt.'

'We all have secrets and a dark side, K.'

XXXXX

The clock turned 8:30.

'So, where are we going?' asked Kryten.

'A planet called Partride.'

'Can't say I've ever been there.'

'Not many people have.'

'How are we gonna get there?'

'We'll have to borrow Starbug.'

'Cool.'

'See, K, Dave's training comes in handy sometimes, doesn't it?'

'Agreed.'

Kryten piloted Starbug.

An hour later, they landed.

They stepped out of Starbug and Kryten admired all the lights lighting the planet.

'Right,' Jasmine said, 'first stop, chippie.'

'Chippie?'

'Chip shop. Doesn't Dave ever say "chippie".'

'No, but he says "curry".'

XXXXX

The two entered The Golden Pacific.

A man smiled in recognition. 'Alright, Jazz, you haven't been here in years. Still want the chips and chicken nuggets with salt and a can of Coke?'

'You know me, Ringo.'

'Who's your friend? And what is he?'

'This is Kryten and he's a mechanoid.'

'Alright. Want the same as Jazz here?'

'Yeah, alright.'

'Right, Jazz, altogether that's £7.18, but seeing as you're my friend, I'll let you have for £5.'

'Thanks, Ringo, you're awesome.'

Half an hour later, they headed off to the local supermarket and bought a small loaf of bread.

'I always give some bread to the ducks.'

They walked over the bridge and started feeding the ducks.

Half an hour later, it was starting to get dark.

'Next stop, Harrow's.'

'What's Harrow's.'

'The most coolest place ever. Buy a t-shirt and get a free pair of jeans.'

'Alright.'

XXXXX

Meanwhile back on Red Dwarf, Rimmer woke up and started walking around.

Lister walked towards him.

'Hey, have you seen Kryten, Rimsy?'

'No, I haven't, Listy. He's probably somewhere though.'

Cat joined them. 'Hey, how can I smell you two but I can't smell Novelty Condom Head and Jazzy Baby?'

'What?'

'They're not onboard Red Dwarf.'

'Oh, is that all?' Lister said, before saying, 'what?'

'They are not onboard Red Dwarf. Do I have to spell it out for you? If so, T, H, E, er, I don't know what comes next.'

Cat danced off to his room and changed into his yellow striped suit.

Then, just as he was closing the wardrobe door, he noticed his boots were missing.

Cat started screaming.

Lister and Rimmer ran in.

'What's the matter with you?' Rimmer said.

'My boots are missing, Goalpost Head.'

'So?'

'Where are they Gerbil Face?'

'How do I know?' Lister asked. 'Come on, we'd better get changed, except you, Cat, seeing as you have changed.'

Cat started crying, so Lister and Rimmer walked out, with the latter rolling his eyes.

The two got back to their sleeping quarters, where all Rimmer had to do was say 'Holly, change my clothes.'

He put his hands on the table and picked up a bunch of keys.

'Dave, Arnold, don't wanna worry you, but Starbug's gone.'

'As is my jacket,' Lister said.

'How odd. Both Kryten and Jasmine have disappered, so has your jacket, Cat's boots and Starbug's gone. With or without clearance, Holly?'

'Without.'

Lister turned to Rimmer. 'What? Are you saying some creatures abducted them?

'No.'

'Then what are you saying, Rimmer?'

'I'm saying that it's odd, you know, strange, unusual?'

'Rimmer, what the smeg are you implying?'

'Nothing, Lister, it's probably a coincidence.'

XXXXX

After looking around Harrow's, Jasmine then took Kryten to Lite Nightclub.

Jasmine bought herself a Bamboo cocktail and bought Kryten an alcoholoic version of oil.

A man was dancing like a "complete bozo" and then stopped.

He approached Kryten. 'Why, hello, darling. Like a dance?'

Kryten turned to Jasmine. 'What's that about?'

'Look at the way he's dressed. He's clearly gay.'

'You mean he likes me?'

Jasmine nodded, stifling a giggle.

Kryten turned to the man. 'Smeg off and get a life.'

'Oh, c'mon, baby, I can make your life wonderful.'

Jasmine glared at the man. 'Fuck off and leave him alone. He's straight and not into you.'

The man skulked off.

Kryten turned to Jasmine. 'Thanks.'

Jasmine smiled. 'Anytime, K.'

An hour later and Kryten had had at least 10 alcoholic oils.

Jasmine had 3 Bamboo cocktails, but they were stronger; 3 alcoholic oils equaled 1 Bamboo cocktail.

The dancefloor was quieter, so Kryten asked, 'want a dance, Jazz?'

'Yeah, alright,' she said.

They started dancing to Bruno Mars and the song "It Will Rain".

XXXXX

Rimmer, on Red Dwarf discovered his t-shirt missing and screamed.

'What is it, Rimmer?'

'It's gone.'

'What's gone?' asked Cat.

'My skull t-shirt.'

'You have a skull t-shirt? That's so cool.'

'Yeah, bud, not like you at all.'

XXXXX

Kryten and Jasmine had just finished their dance.

Kryten looked into Jasmine's eyes. 'Your eyes are beautiful.'

'Yes, human eyes are.'

Kryten touched Jasmine's cheek with his hand.

'You make humanity bearable,' Kryten said.

'What do you mean, K?'

Kryten grabbed Jasmine and pulled her in closer to him and kissed her.

When he pulled away, she just stared at him.

'Are you alright?' Kryten asked.

'Er, yeah, I was just not expecting that.'

'OK,' Kryten said.

Jasmine smiled and said, 'I love you,' and kissed him.

'I didn't know you felt that way, too. I've loved you for 5 months, but never really knew how to tell you.'

Jasmine grabbed Kryten and they danced to Ke$ha's "Tik Tok".

Lister, Rimmer and Cat landed on Partride in Blue Midget.

'Well, this is the last planet in the vicinity. They must be here.'

'Well, I didn't know you were a detective, Listy.'

'Shut up. Cat, can you smell them?'

Cat smelt. 'I can smell all kinds of stuff on this planet. Hey, look at the map, Harrow's. Let's go clothes shopping.

Lister and Rimmer grabbed Cat.

'Look, Cat, we've got to find them. Can you smell them?'

'Yes, I can, bud.'

Kryten said, 'let's not tell the others about us, yeah.'

'Alright.'

'Want another Bamboo as you called it?'

'Yeah, alright.'

After a minute, Kryten handed the Bamboo to Jasmine.

They both drank their drinks in one go.

Kryten grabbed Jasmine and kissed her again, just as the door opened.

Lister, Rimmer and Cat walked in and saw them.

'Smegging hell,' Lister whispered.

'Didn't think he'd have it in him, buds.'

'Well, that's a turn up for the books,' Rimmer stated.

Lister, Rimmer and Cat walked over.

'Have you got something to say?' said a familiar Scouse accent.

Kryten and Jasmine looked at them.

'Well,' Rimmer said, 'what do we have... Hey, that's my t-shirt.'

'And they're my boots,' Cat said.

'And that's my leather jacket,' Lister added.

'We were worried about you,' Rimmer said.

'You should have told us where you were,' Lister said.

'Well excuse us for being adults,' Jasmine said.

'So, what's with wearing my jacket?'

Kryten just stood there speechless.

'Well, answers on a postcard, please, Kryten.'

Kryten didn't say anything.

'Answer the smegging question, will you? That's an order.'

Kryten was drunk and did something he wouldn't normally do; he punched Lister.

'Smegging hell, Kryten, calm down,' Rimmer said.

Lister stood up and glared at Kryten. 'What was that about?' he snapped.

'Why don't you smeg off, shut up and do one.'

'I'll talk to you in the morning,' Lister snapped.

Cat just said, 'yoooooowwww! Bud, you certainly know how to fight.'

'Yes, I do, don't I?'

Rimmer turned to Kryten. 'Good job,' he said, 'about hitting Lister, I mean.'

'Ah, shut up, sir.'

'Hey, K, calm down, babe.'

'I'd better drive Starbug,' Cat said.

'Good idea.'

Lister sat down in Blue Midget, still angry about what Kryten did to him.

Rimmer turned to him. 'Yeah, so what? Shut up.'

'What did I say?'

'You were going to say "did you see what Kryten did to me?" And of course I smegging saw, I was laughing inside.'

'Laughing? Why?'

'Because you and Kryten always act so pally.'

'Didn't seem like it though, did it, Rimsy?'

'What did you expect?'

Cat was piloting Starbug, when he turned to see Kryten sleeping.

Jasmine turned to Cat. 'I didn't expect that to happen. Mind you, drinking makes you do weird things.'

'So yours and Kryten's kiss was?'

'Proper.'

'Ah, so you and him are going out?'

'Yes.'

Cat put his arm around Jasmine. 'Good idea, though I would have been a better choice, Jazzy Baby, but at least it ain't Rimmer nor Lister.'

'What's that mean?'

'They're too weird.'

Half an hour later, they were back on Red Dwarf at 2:30am.

Jasmine woke Kryten up and he went to go on downtime.

Rimmer and Lister approached Cat and Jasmine.

'Hey, Dave, just so you know, I didn't think Kryten would do that to you.'

'Rimmer spoke to me. I realize it was the drink and not Kryten.'

'Night, all,' she said, and walked off to her room.

Cat yawned and went off to his room, so Rimmer and Lister went to bed.

XXXXX

The next morning, Jasmine was the first up.

She walked into the galley and got some cereal.

Kryten walked in and touched her shoulders. 'Morning, my little Gothic Queen.'

'Yeah, not so much of the Gothic Queen, just Goth Girl will do.'

'Alright.'

Rimmer, Cat and Lister walked in.

Lister had a black eye.

'Where did you get that black eye, sir?' asked Kryten.

'Off you.'

'What?'

'Don't you remember?' Rimmer asked.

'Remember what, sir?' Kryten asked as he turned to Rimmer.

'Do you remember anything?' asked Cat.

'Yes, I remember that Jasmine and I have started dating and you saw us.'

'And do you remember anything else?' asked Rimmer.

'No.'

Jasmine laughed and said, 'I remember what happened.'

'What about, love?' asked Kryten.

'You punched Lister.'

'What? No way, you're having me on.'

The others said, 'no,' in unison.

Kryten turned to Lister. 'What? Did I actually hit you?'

'Yes, you did, Kryten.'

Kryten breaks down in tears.

'Yeah, I'm going,' Cat said, and left.

'Oh, I love a man who's not afraid to cry.'

Rimmer stared at Kryten. 'I wasn't expecting that,' the hologram said. 'I'll leave you to it.'

'Yeah, I'll see you later, K,' she said.

Rimmer and Jasmine left Kryten and Lister alone.

Lister helped Kryten up and sat him down in a chair.

The mechanoid was still crying, as Lister sat next to him.

Kryten stopped crying long enough to speak. 'I'm really sorry, sir.'

Lister put his arm around Kryten and says, 'I've done that before, Kryten.'

'Can you ever forgive me, sir?'

'Yes, I can, Kryten. Forget about it, it wasn't your fault, it was the drink you had.'

'I'm a mechanoid, sir, so I shouldn't have hurt you. We're programmed not to harm humans.'

'You hardly harmed me. You just hit me. There's a whole world of difference. You and I are friends, and we always will be. Now let's go and join the others and play Monopoly.'

XXXXX

The End:

'What The Smeg Do You Mean "The End"?' Lister asked.

'Yeah, we'll be back,' Kryten said.

'As long as I get to sleep more next time,' Cat grinned.

'Shut the smeg up, Cat,' Rimmer said.

Jasmine laughed. 'Men (!) You can't live with them, but you can't live without them. Mind you, Kryten's not so bad.

But Lister, Rimmer and Cat couldn't help but sing their own song "End"

Lister; # We're coming to the end, the end of time and space; # Travelling at the speed of sound and light; # We'll always be on the case, the case; # We'll be back with a bang and fight.

Rimmer; # No one'll stop us, stop us, yeah; # Psirens, simulants, Polymorphs; # We fight to care and care to dare; # We continue to go forth, go forth.

Cat; # I'd don't care, I'd rather look in the mirror; # And admire my hair and outfits; # When I see myself I just purr; # I could shine in The Ritz.

All three; # End is spelt E N D; # But this isn't the end end; # Not when there's still me; # We'll be in the term of defend; # There's so much to see; # Just time we need you to lend; # It won't be I, it'll be we; # But poor Starbug always needs a mend; # End is spel # End is spelt E N D; # But this isn't the end end.

Lister; # I'm Lister, spel R.

Rimmer # ER, do you need to go to hospital?

Lister; # Shut up, shut up, shut up, Rimmer; # because if you spell your name out, you won't be laughing.

Rimmer; # R I double M M to the E R; # Oh thanks a smegging bunch, thanks a smegging buncharoony, Lister.

Cat; # R; # All I want are mirrors and clothes; # And stuff to make me look my best # But whatever you do, don't give me outta fashion clothes.

Jasmine and Kryten looked at each other, rolling their eyes. 'SHUT THE SMEG UP!' they shouted in embarrasment.

The End