A/N: Greetings, this is my first Silent Hill fanfiction and I decided to make it a humorous one, I had gain some inspiration from a fic of DarkComet I previously read; so decided to try one of my own I hope you all enjoy reading it as I have done writing it...
Disclaimer: I do not own Silent Hill, its characters and do not advocate child abuse or domestic abuse no matter how funny I make it sound
Summary: When a orphaned pyramid head appears at the doorstep of Ashfield Heights hilarity ensues.
Our story picks up somewhere around Silent Hill and Ashfield Heights where a mannequin carries in one of her feet (?) a small wicker basket. The mannequin makes a boink noise shaking the rain water off its naked body as it goes up to the doorsteps of Ashfield Hieghts and places the basket on the front steps. It rings the door bell and runs off behind a parked car. After a few minutes nothing happens and it reappears out from behind the car again and rings the doorbell over and over again.
(a voice is heard sounding like Harry)
Harry: Okay, I'm coming! (he opens the door with a baseball bat in his hand thinking its a Jevovah's witness, he looks around and spots the mannequinn before it leaves) Oh crap its one of them-die leggy monster die! (proceeds to beat it to death until the bat is covered in the monster's blood then he drops the bat and wipes his hands triumphantly)
Harry: There we go! Alllllllllll done!
(he turns back up the stairs and trips over the wicker basket)
Harry: DAMMIT!
(a crying sound is heard in the basket)
Harry: (picks up the basket and looks inside) Hey Frank, I found another baby for your umblical cord collection!
Frank: Bring it on in!
And so, Harry takes the basket with the baby into the apartment. The door closes behind him as a pack of stray dogs pounce on the dead mommy mannequinn and rip it apart. Inside, Heather, Claudia, Eileen, and Maria are sitting around the fireplace in Henry's apartment (don't ask me why I just thought his apartment needed fireplace for rainy days) anyway they look up as Harry enters room 302 holding a basket.
A two foot pyramid head with a tiny diaper on pokes out from underneath the blanket. At once the women in the room just rush right over and fawn over it. Claudia picks it up and holds it in her arms as it makes cooing sounds and wiggles about.
Claudia: Where did it come from Harry?
Harry: I don't know I just tripped over it and it started crying...once Frank cuts off its umblical cord I will take it back outside...
Heather: No dad! Lets keep it!
Maria: Finally, I have a honest reason to strip for money and have politians, businessmen, and Vincent shove twenty dollar bills down my throng!
Heather: Yeah...wait, what did you say about Vincent?
Maria: Uh, nothing.
Heather: Okay!
Pretty soon James, Henry, Richard, Frank, and last by not least Vincent being dragged by Richard because he is so engrossed in a Penthouse magazine to care what is going on, come in from the kitchen and their jaws drop (except Vincent who is now staring at the centerfold) at what Claudia was holding.
Frank: Harry, you said it had a umblical cord-there is no umblical cord on that thing-at least Walter's cord was shorter than that!
James: Ahhhhhhhhhh a Pyramid Head-(waves his trusty plank around)-death to the monster!
Maria: (jumping in front of the baby protectively) Don't you dare James or else I won't let you touch my boobs!
James: (drops the plank in defeat) I will be good...
Eileen: Where did it come from?
Frank: Who cares, I needs me some umblical cord!
James: Shut up dad! (Frank picks up the plank and hits James over the head with it) OWWWWWW!
Frank: Don't talk back to your elders like that son!
James: (cries and points at Frank) Child abuse! Child abuse! Child abuse!
Henry: Dude, uh...technically its not child abuse when you are in your thirties...
James: Oh...well-domestic abuse! domestic abuse!
Henry: (smacks James in his forehead) Just go to sleep!
James: Night nights! Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz (falls on the couch and snores)
The room is quiet now save for the sound of James snoring and the baby pyramid head moving around and making baby noises.
Richard: What should we name the little shithead?
Frank: Shithead?
Heather: No! Then all the other kids will pick on him!
James: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Eileen: How do we know if its a boy?
Claudia: We will do what the Cult does with its kids give it a name based on if its face looks feminie or masculine and then we wait until it matures, it it grows breasts its a girl if not its a boy.
Frank: That's what me and my wife did with James.
James: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Vincent: I suggest we give it a unisex name
Frank: Gross, Vincent, its only a baby!
Vincent: No, that is not...what the heck is that thing (checks-yep baby PH) No, a name that can be given to both a girl and a guy...(points to the reader) you thought that the writer was going to make me a dull two dimentional sex addicted priest didn't you! WELL YOU'RE WRONG FREAKS! YOU-Oooo, helllllllllllllooooooo miss November!
Vincent picks up his girly magazine once again.
Richard: Well, in a messed up way Mister Chronic Masterbator is right, how about...uh...Jamie...
Frank: Jamie is a gay name...Leslie?
As the gang is discussing names for the baby pyramid head, Eileen goes over and picks it up shaking her car keys in front of it to make the baby happy.
Eileen: I think it looks more like a "Peter"
Richard: PETER! (laughs) OH YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!
Eileen: Shut up...Dick!
Richard: HEY!
Henry: (snickers) Yeah Dick...stop being such a dick!
Richard: I can't wait until Walter gets you both! (he stands there pouting while Henry and Eileen laugh over his ahem organ nicknamed...er...nickname)
Heather: I think Peter is a cute name I can be its big sister!
Harry: Honey, you are already a big sister...
Heather: I don't want to be Alessa's sister
Harry: Why not?
Meanwhile at Harry's house, Alessa is sitting in the living room playing with a box of matches, lighting up a match she stares at it transfixed until it burns all the way down her finger and makes her drop it in pain on the carpet...suddenly, the carpet bursts into flames.
Alessa: Oops! (she stands there and then runs out the door of the house as the flames and smoke get larger)
Back at Room 307 they hear the sound of firetruck sirens in the background as they watch Peter the baby pyramid head let out a big yawn and cuddle up to Eileen's chest.
Eileen: Awwww, its sleepy...
TBC
I hope you like this one, I promise to continue it after the christmas holidays are over and if you send me those review, since this is my first time doing a humur fic of Silent Hill please let me know how I am faring by constructive critism and suggestions for this chapter and next. So Long!