No Taxation Without Retaliation

by frostyfreezyfreeze54

When budget cuts force Principal MacGregor to put taxes on the soda in the school's vending machines, then ban soda from the school entirely, Sparky and Buster respond by opening up an underground soda business in Sparky's basement.

Thank You, Heavenly

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 7

EPISODE 11

Airdate: November 25, 2018

"No Taxation Without Retaliation"

Special Guest Stars: Dorien Wilson as Mr. Frax

#TYH709

SCENE 1

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Principal's Office

Seattle, Washington

Principal MacGregor is looking through his notes one day when his assistant Karen walks in through the side door in his office.

KAREN: Sir, I have some alarming news.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: If it's about me taking extra fish sticks at lunch, I already know. I can't use my authoritative privilege anymore.

KAREN: No, not that. I just found out from the school board that they're cutting our budget.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Again? That's the third year in a row! Why are they trying to destroy us?

KAREN: Well, budget cuts always affect low-priority schools. Plus, they're on a need-to-know basis and apparently, we don't need to know.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: But we've done everything right this year. We slashed the music class budget in half, got our computers months ahead of time. We even filmed that spot for TV.

Cut to a flashback of an iCarly Elementary School commercial airing on TV. The "Learn to Read" theme song plays in the background as the commercial shows several still images of smiling kids, most of which aren't even from the actual school.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR (V.O.): At iCarly Elementary, we pride ourselves on putting the student first. A strong education is valuable to a child. In fact, according to recent studies, a lack of education has a direct link to drug abuse, high blood pressure, shingles, and human sex trafficking. iCarly Elementary. Curb your frustration.

The "Curb your frustration" tagline appears in white text over a black backdrop. Cut to the present day.

KAREN: I think they stopped airing that spot after a week.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Yeah, apparently, you have to clear things with PBS if you're going to use their music. I can't do this anymore, Karen. I've been an educator for almost twenty years and I can't keep cutting costs just to stay afloat. Those bastards on the school board are bullies. It's time we stand up to them.

KAREN: What are you proposing, sir?

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: A strongly worded letter. We get the extra money we need to help us get through the school year and if we don't, we take them to court and sue them blind.

KAREN: I like this passion, Alvin.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Thank you. My father always told me that...wait. Why does everyone keep calling me Alvin? That's not my name!

SCENE 2

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

Buster is at his locker when Sparky walks up to him.

SPARKY: Hey Buster. You ready for another McChicken Day?

BUSTER: Wait, that was today? Oh, crap, I forgot!

SPARKY: Wow. The last time you forgot McChicken Day, Daniel Bryan had to retire. What happened?

BUSTER: Well, I already agreed to go to the mall with RK and KG. Apparently, KG thinks the way I dress is "off."

SPARKY: Off?

BUSTER: Yeah, I didn't know what it meant either, but he's paying for new clothes so I just said yes.

SPARKY: Alright then. Well, I guess we can reschedule.

BUSTER: I'm sorry, man. You know how much McChicken Day means to me. It almost means as much as you.

Buster hugs Sparky, stares at him for a second, then kisses him on the cheek and leaves. At that point, Jaylynn walks up to Sparky.

SPARKY: I always tell him to stop kissing me and he never listens.

JAYLYNN: Trouble in paradise?

SPARKY: Buster forgot McChicken Day. Now I have to find another day to get the food.

JAYLYNN: I'm pretty sure you can wait to eat a bunch of greasy chicken sandwiches with high sodium and caloric intake.

SPARKY: You've been reading Wade's pamphlet on good eating habits, haven't you?

JAYLYNN: It's not half bad. But I wouldn't worry, Sparky. Buster just has other things to do.

SPARKY: Yeah, but we don't even hang out like we used to. Ever since he moved in with RK, I've been seeing less and less of him.

JAYLYNN: Well, you had to have known this would happen. Buster and RK already have a lot in common and now that they're roommates, there's no stopping them. The same thing happened to my friends.

SPARKY: Really?

JAYLYNN: Yeah, back in Portland, my old best friend ended up moving in with my other friend. They started hanging out all the time and eventually, they became best friends. Pretty soon, my old best friend forgot my name, started dressing in men's clothes, and throwing oranges at hot dog vendors.

SPARKY: None of what you just said actually happened, did it?

JAYLYNN: Half of it did. I'm just trying to be realistic.

SCENE 3

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Principal's Office

Seattle, Washington

Principal MacGregor is in the middle of a phone call when Karen walks into the office.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Look, you need to understand that this can't happen anymore. You've been jerking me around for years and I've had it! I can't live like this! If you keep it up with your BS, you're going to be in serious legal trouble. Do you hear me?! Beat. Alright, glad we got that out of the way. Yes, I will see you soon.

Principal MacGregor hangs up.

KAREN: Was that the school board?

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: No, it was the pizzeria. They've been treating me like a redheaded stepchild for years. Oh yeah, I spoke to the board. They're not going to give us the extra funds.

KAREN: I'm sure we have the grounds to sue them, right?

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Nope. Turns out, the department of education is wrapped in legal defense for generations. They could sue you and me both just for breathing.

KAREN: Looks like another year of budget cuts.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Unfortunately. I should have listened to my mother and went into landscaping.

KAREN: Are you sure there's nothing we can remove from the budget that's an unnecessary expense?

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Don't think so. Our budget is tighter than a bra covering F-cups. It's ridiculous.

Beat.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Wait a minute. What about those vending machines I never installed? Why are we still paying for them?

KAREN: The kids use them, sir. That's how they get soda.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Ugh, children have it so easy. When I was a kid, you had to go down to the general store to get three choices of soda. Nowadays, everything is given to them on a silver platter.

KAREN: Maybe there's a way we can make those vending machines work for us.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: How? Start putting taxes on the soda? I don't see how that would work.

KAREN: It's worth a try, sir. We could really use the extra money.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Yeah, you're right. I mean, it's either tax the kids or go back to panhandling. And I can't start doing that again.

KAREN: Why not, sir?

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: I had to do some unspeakable things for cash. It's...really not worth going back to.

SCENE 4

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

RK whistles "Isn't She Lovely" by Stevie Wonder as he walks to the vending machine. He puts a dollar into the machine and then selects Coca-Cola.

AUTOMATED VOICE: You must pay 35 cents in tax to purchase this product.

RK: What? Come on, man, stop playing.

RK selects Coca-Cola again.

AUTOMATED VOICE: You must pay 35 cents in tax to purchase this product.

RK: I heard you the first time, and I don't care. Now, give me my damn Coke.

RK selects Coca-Cola a third time.

AUTOMATED VOICE: You must pay 35 cents in tax to purchase this product.

RK: NO, YOU'RE GONNA PAY ME 35 CENTS TO PUT UP WITH THIS CHICKEN SHIT!

Halley walks up to RK.

HALLEY: RK, why are you yelling at the vending machine again?

RK: It's telling me that I have to pay 35 cents in tax. It ate my dollar, and now it's trying to hustle me for more.

HALLEY: Are you serious? That's terrible!

RK: I know, it's a travesty! By the way, could you spot me 35 cents? I would pay it myself, but giving this machine my coins would be like hustling backwards.

Halley gives RK a bored look.

SCENE 5

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Study Hall

Seattle, Washington

RK is explaining the current situation to the guys.

SPARKY: Are you serious?

RK: If I'm not serious, I'm delirious. Halley had to break down and spot me the change so I could buy this Coke. And it got flat near the end so I couldn't even enjoy it as much as I wanted.

BUSTER: This is horrible. We're kids, we can't get taxed!

JAYLYNN: Yeah, I didn't think we would start paying taxes until we're old and grey complaining about the way things used to be.

WADE: Guys, it's the same kind of tax you would get if you went to the store. It's not the end of the world.

RK: Of course. Here comes Wade bending over backwards for the man.

WADE: I'm not bending over for anyone. I don't even agree with the tax, but it's not like we can change Principal MacGregor's mind.

BUSTER: Like hell we can't. We just need to march over to MacGregor's office and let him know the tax won't work.

RK: That's what I like to hear. Now, let's go get this money, no pun intended.

SCENE 6

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Principal's Office

Seattle, Washington

The five kids walk into the office as Principal MacGregor adjusts a picture frame.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Why is this thing always crooked?

Principal MacGregor turns around and sees the enraged kids.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: I really need to cut back on walk-in meetings.

BUSTER: You're a monster! How could you do this to us?

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: I'm sorry, Buster, but I can't just have you guys walk into my office whenever you want. What if I was indecent?

SPARKY: No, not that! Why would you adjust the vending machines so they could start taxing us?

RK: My Coke wasn't good enough to justify the extra 35 cents!

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Look, guys, it's budget cut season and I had to make some changes. It's no different than me scaling back the music class.

JAYLYNN: Is that why I had to learn to play with tin cans?

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Hey, the tin can is a beautiful instrument.

JAYLYNN: I'm not Fat Albert!

WADE: Principal MacGregor, I understand the reason, but isn't there something else you could do to save money?

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Oh, now you want to offer solutions. The administration still hasn't recovered from all that fast food we served for lunch.

WADE: That was never going to last. You said so.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: I was misquoted.

RK: Look, Principal MacGregor, you and I go back a long time. It's always been a back and forth between the two of us. Just two Caucasian boys from different generations plugging away at each other.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: RK, I already have no idea where you're going with this.

RK: As a friend, as an associate, as a nemesis, could you please consider removing the taxes from the vending machines?

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: No.

Beat.

RK: Do you need more time to think about it?

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: I need all five of you to leave my office immediately.

RK: Alrighty then. Let's move out, kids.

SCENE 7

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Mr. Frax's Classroom

Seattle, Washington

The boys are taking down notes while listening to Mr. Frax's lecture.

MR. FRAX: The Revolutionary War was one of the most critical periods in American history. The United States decided that it was no longer going to be mistreated and marginalized by British rule. Many say that the Stamp Act was the first crack in relations between both countries.

Cut to Buster and Sparky taking notes.

BUSTER: Sparky, I'm still mad about what happened. Principal MacGregor didn't even consider getting rid of the taxes. He treated us like we were on opioids or rollie pollie olies or some other stupid drug.

SPARKY: I know, man, it sucks. This school always does things without thinking about how we feel.

BUSTER: I know. Why can't we get a say in how they run things around here?

MR. FRAX: It was around this time that the iconic phrase "No taxation without representation" was coined. The U.S. believed that it was unfair to face taxes when they had no representatives in the British government known as Parliament.

BUSTER: Huh. That's crazy. America got taxed for all that junk back in the day, and now Principal MacGregor's taxing us in America. It really makes you think.

SPARKY: Wait a minute. Buster, that's it!

BUSTER: Yeah, I know. It really makes you think, "Wow. The irony."

SPARKY: No, I'm saying that we're no different from the 13 colonies. They had no say in getting taxed just like we did, but they fought back. Now, it's our turn to fight back.

BUSTER: How?

SPARKY: We let the whole city know how MacGregor's running this school. If we get the right people to listen, maybe he'll get rid of the soda tax.

BUSTER: I like that idea. By the way, I'm headed to the vending machines later. You want Mountain Dew or Fanta orange?

Sparky gives Buster a bored look.

BUSTER: Look, taxes or no taxes, a boy still gets thirsty.

SCENE 8

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

After school, Buster is on the phone when RK walks into the house.

BUSTER: Oh, come on. I was on your show once. Why can't I be on it again? My best friend's coming with me this time. Hey, I was ratings gold! Well, maybe not ratings gold, but I think some people might have wanted to see me. Hello? Hello, are you coming back? I'm scared!

RK: Buster, I think it's okay if you hang up. It won't kill you.

Buster hangs up the phone.

RK: What were you doing, man?

BUSTER: I was trying to get me and Sparky a spot on Let's Talk About It. You know, because of my previous connections.

RK: I thought they only had you on that show the first time to make fun of you.

BUSTER: That's not how I remember it. Anyway, they said it couldn't happen. Something about changing democratics or...topographs or something. I don't know, all I know is that they're worried that one day, Amazon will come in and buy them out.

RK: Why would you and Sparky need to be on TV?

BUSTER: Are you the question man? Always asking me things that I don't know how to answer? We're trying to show Principal MacGregor that he can't just tax us and get away with it. We're taking it to the media.

RK: And you think public television is the best way to do that?

BUSTER: Actually, RK, there's a very distinct difference between public television and public access, which is what Let's Talk About It has always been. Public television is produced nationally and gets government funding, while public access is for local consumption and gets support from cable companies.

RK: What kind of conversation are we having?

BUSTER: I had to hear that over and over while I was waiting for a representative. Did you know that one in six Americans don't know the difference between public access and public broadcasting?

RK: Did you know that one in one American white boys got their ass kicked by another American white boy for talking too much?

BUSTER: I'll shut up. You know, if you want, you could join us. This protest was made for you.

RK: On any other day, I would, but after what happened with us staying out every night, I'm trying to keep my nose clean. You know, at least until the holidays.

BUSTER: Our punishment wasn't that bad.

RK: Wasn't that bad? Dude, KG took away Earl. That has to be a hate crime in most states.

SCENE 9

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

The kids are all eating together the next day.

BUSTER: I'm sorry, Sparky. I failed us. I wasn't able to get us a guest spot on Let's Talk About It.

RK: Again, I really don't think going to public television was the answer.

BUSTER: I already told you the difference, RK! Don't make me repeat myself!

WADE: I hear one in six Americans don't know.

SPARKY: It's alright, Buster. These things take time. Especially when The Seattle Times is knocking down the door.

BUSTER: The Seattle Times? The biggest newspaper in the city?

SPARKY: Yup, it was actually Bitch Clock that got me through to the editor. He used to be involved with her.

JAYLYNN: How do you f*** an alarm clock?

SPARKY: Look, Jaylynn, I don't like asking questions. I just saw the opportunity come, so I took it.

BUSTER: I can't believe this. When are we going to get our shot?

SPARKY: Tonight. Some guys from the paper are coming to my place for an exclusive interview with us.

WADE: They don't want to talk to us?

JAYLYNN: Yeah, I kinda wanted to be there too.

BUSTER: You really wanna get interviewed, Jaylynn?

Jaylynn starts giggling and blushing.

JAYLYNN: I don't know, I'm all shy and stuff.

SCENE 10

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

That night, Sparky and Buster are being interviewed by the Seattle Times writers.

WRITER #1: So, your principal actually put taxes on the vending machines for soft drinks?

SPARKY: Yeah, it was horrible. He didn't tell anyone, it took everyone by surprise.

BUSTER: Sparky's girlfriend Halley was so upset by it, she couldn't drink soda for a week.

SPARKY: Halley wasn't upset by it.

BUSTER: It took her some time to cope, but it wasn't easy.

Buster gives Sparky an annoyed look.

SPARKY: Yeah, it wasn't. Our principal made my girlfriend cry.

WRITER #2: So, why do you think your principal would tax children?

BUSTER: We don't know. Honestly, he probably feels powerless in every other part of his life so he has to flex his muscles somehow.

SPARKY: Yeah, it's kinda sad. We've been at this school for years and there's never been anything like this before. We think that the minute our principal reads this, there's going to be some real change.

SCENE 11

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Principal's Office

Seattle, Washington

Principal MacGregor is enraged as he reads the newspaper article. Sparky and Buster have blank expressions on their face.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: I made your girlfriend cry?! I don't even know who Halley is!

BUSTER: But you just said her name.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: This is disgusting. How could you boys assassinate my character like this?

SPARKY: How could you make us pay extra for soda?

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: I'm the principal. If I couldn't use my power to take advantage of students, who would I be?

Beat.

BUSTER: You would be Barney the dinosaur?

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: WHAT?!

BUSTER: Well, you wouldn't be the Teletubbies. They're too sweet.

SPARKY: Look, Principal MacGregor, what we did was a little bit over the top, but we had to get the word out. It's unfair that we have to pay extra for something just because of budget cuts or whatever.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: You know what? You're right.

BUSTER: He is. And since he is, what happens now?

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: I have to take the only logical step. Why put tax on the soda?

SPARKY: Exactly.

SCENE 12

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

The episode cuts directly to some men unplugging the vending machine. Several kids are watching the events in shock, including Sparky and Buster.

SPARKY: I'm pretty sure he could have taken other logical steps.

BUSTER: This is an outrage! We never said anything about taking away the vending machines. Ugh, he's so stupid.

After the vending machine is hauled away, the kids turn their attention to Sparky and Buster.

SPARKY: So, the Rams might take the Super Bowl this year. How about it?

SANNA: Nice going, guys. You just had to trash MacGregor in the paper.

BUSTER: Oh, please, if he listened to what we said, you would have thrown us a parade!

MANNY: YOU SUCK!

Manny throws a paper ball at Sparky.

SPARKY: Seriously? This is how you want to handle it?

At that point, RK, Wade, Jaylynn, and Halley step into the fray.

RK: Alright, alright, enough of this crap. You kids disgust me.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, you know it's not Sparky and Buster's fault. If you want to take it up with someone, talk to Principal MacGregor.

HALLEY: Remember what Malcolm X said, guys. Divide and conquer, we can't let it happen.

WADE: Wait, I was gonna say that.

MANNY: YOU GUYS TALK TOO MUCH!

Manny throws more paper balls at the guys, and pretty soon, everyone is throwing paper balls at the guys, forcing them to run away.

SCENE 13

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Later that day, the kids are watching TV.

SPARKY: I still can't believe MacGregor took the vending machines away. He has to be taking something.

BUSTER: I bet he's on crack. They say it makes you psychotic and starving.

JAYLYNN: Wait, but if it makes him starving, wouldn't he keep the vending machines?

BUSTER: I don't know, Jaylynn. It's crack. Besides, Oreos aren't exactly a four-course meal.

WADE: I feel for you guys. I guess it was inevitable that MacGregor would have some form of reprisal.

RK: So what do we do now? I just didn't want to get taxed for Coke, now I ain't got no Coke. How can I have a Coke and a smile with no damn Coke?!

BUSTER: We do the same thing we always do, bud. We give up, forget this whole thing ever happened and look forward to next week's adventure.

SPARKY: We never do that. Ever.

BUSTER: Maybe we should start. We were going to lose someday.

SPARKY: No. I refuse to lose, especially to someone that's abusing their power. We're going to take the power back.

JAYLYNN: I like that. How are you gonna do it?

SPARKY: We're going to be the new vending machines. We'll sell soda to the kids ourselves. No high prices, no taxes, and no one from the school to tell us we can't.

WADE: But how will it work when MacGregor's banned all soda from the premises?

SPARKY: We'll do it underground. We don't need to bring it to school at all. We can sell the soda right here.

BUSTER: That's amazing. I want to be a part of it. I better be a part of it!

SPARKY: Of course you will. Buster, you and me are going to be business partners, just like the time we were party planners.

BUSTER: Alright, cool. I'm sorry for snapping, I just really wanted to be a part of it.

JAYLYNN: What about us? Can't we get a piece of the action?

SPARKY: You sure you want to help us with the business and you just don't want to be left out?

JAYLYNN: Alright, man, I'm just bored. I'll take whatever action I can get.

SCENE 14

The MacDougal Household

Exterior Tree House

Seattle, Washington

Sparky, Buster, and RK are having a meeting in the tree house.

SPARKY: Buster, what are we doing here?

BUSTER: If we're running an underground business, we have to make sure we're in a place no one can see us. What's RK doing here?

SPARKY: He's going to help us with advertising. Remember when he sold all those chocolates door-to-door?

BUSTER: Oh yeah. Didn't they used to call you Choco Boy or something? Sweet Daddy Candy Man?

RK: I was the Chocolate King. Why do I always have to remind you of my achievements?

BUSTER: Because that was candy and this is soda. Have you ever heard of anybody being able to drink M&M's?

RK: Whatever. Look, if you guys are going to pull off this operation, you have to make sure kids are thinking about soda day and night. You have to show aggression. Be sexy.

SPARKY: Be sexy?

RK: Yeah. You have to make your business hot. Kids need to get turned on when they hear about it. Are you turned on right now? Is your heart stopping?

SPARKY: NO!

RK: See, that's what we need to work on.

SCENE 15

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Bitch Clock walks downstairs and sits on the couch next to Sparky, who is blankly staring at the TV. There is an awkward pause.

BITCH CLOCK: So?

SPARKY: GAH!

BITCH CLOCK: What are you surprised about? You wanted to ask me something.

SPARKY: Oh yeah. I didn't even hear you come here. Anyway, you still have your drug dealing business, right?

BITCH CLOCK: Well, that weed isn't going to move itself. Why do you ask? You want to help me out? You finally want to help your old pal Bitch Clock push those trees?

SPARKY: No, I want you to fill out a job application. Look, they banned soda at school, so Buster and I are going to sell it from here to the kids.

BITCH CLOCK: Okay, you're going to fight back against the man. Where do I fit in?

SPARKY: Well, I just wanted to know if you had any business tips for us. What's going to stop me and Buster from making this a success?

BITCH CLOCK: Well, the number one universal rule is to never get high off your own supply.

SPARKY: We're just selling soda.

BITCH CLOCK: Hey, if you think having one drink isn't a problem, you're setting yourself up to get got. Don't think you and Wade have self-control.

SPARKY: It's Buster.

BITCH CLOCK: I don't care. Now, look, when you have a business, you need to build up clientele. Make sure you have the kids who come to buy soda promote you. Give them the hard work. More promo means more customers, and more customers mean more money.

SPARKY: Oh, I don't really care about the money. I just want our son of a bitch principal to learn a lesson about throwing his weight around.

BITCH CLOCK: You know, I have some guys on payroll that can take care of that for you.

SPARKY: NO!

SCENE 16

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Principal's Office

Seattle, Washington

Principal MacGregor is currently talking to Karen.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Karen, I know banning soda was a drastic move, but we need that extra money. And these kids just wanted to defy my authority instead of roll with the punches. This is why I decided marriage wasn't for me.

KAREN: I thought your ex-wife divorced you.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: And? What's your point? Being married sucks.

KAREN: Look, sir, I believe you did the right thing, but the children are just going to fight harder against you.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Eh, I'm not worried about them. What's the worst they can do? Start their own little speakeasy without my knowledge?

SCENE 17

The MacDougal Household

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

One day, Jaylynn walks to Sparky's door and starts knocking. She has on sunglasses and a hoodie to disguise herself. Sparky opens the door, but Jaylynn looks to the side instead of facing him directly.

SPARKY: Hey Jaylynn.

JAYLYNN: I don't know who Jaylynn is. Give me a can of Fanta orange and I'll look the other way.

SPARKY: Is there a reason you're not looking at me when you're talking?

JAYLYNN: We both know what that's about. Just give me the good stuff. You don't know me, you never saw me.

SPARKY: JAYLYNN!

Jaylynn removes her sunglasses and turns to face Sparky.

JAYLYNN: Sorry, I'm just paranoid. I have no idea who's watching me.

SPARKY: You're coming to your friend's house to drink soda. What, you think they're going to throw you in jail for being a kid?

JAYLYNN: Yeah, you're right. How's business going?

SPARKY: Pretty good so far. Bitch Clock's tips worked out. A lot of kids know this is the place to get the soda, but me and Buster are still having trouble trying to make the place sexy.

JAYLYNN: What?

SPARKY: We've also been taking tips from RK.

JAYLYNN: Figures.

Beat.

SPARKY: You came here for something, right?

JAYLYNN: Yeah, my Fanta orange!

SPARKY: Right, I'll get on that.

SCENE 18

The MacDougal Household

Interior Basement

Seattle, Washington

Sparky walks down to the basement, which has been transformed into a makeshift bar. Buster is behind the counter at the wet bar wiping it down while wearing a bowtie and a chef's hat. There are kids at various tables having drinks, including RK and Wade.

SPARKY: I need a canned orange for Jaylynn.

BUSTER: Got it.

Buster leaves a can of Fanta orange on the counter and continues wiping.

SPARKY: Dude, what's with the hat?

BUSTER: It adds a bit of class to the establishment.

SPARKY: But we don't serve food here.

BUSTER: Can't you just let me be myself? Besides, I think this is way better than the bowtie you made me wear. It makes me look like Moe Simpson.

SPARKY: Buster, Moe's not part of the Simpsons. His last name is Szyslak.

BUSTER: That's a stupid last name. It sounds like what they call a dollar in Russia.

SPARKY: Eh, it doesn't matter. The important thing is that we're sticking it to MacGregor. He can't stop us from drinking soda wherever we want, whenever we want.

BUSTER: That's right. And I think this bar is having an effect on people. It makes them feel more open with who they really are.

Cut to RK and Wade.

RK: It's just that, what if this is it for me? What if I end up doing nothing beyond elementary school? I could just end up becoming a drifter, or a beggar. And I don't think the other beggars will put me on and explain to me how the game works. They'll probably just say, "Move along, you privileged white boy." And I'm not privileged. I'm just a beggar like the rest of them. But they won't see that. Just a set of perfect teeth and a great sales pitch.

WADE: Dude, what the hell are you talking about?

SCENE 19

("You Can't Stop Us Now" by Nas featuring Eban Brown and the Last Poets plays in the background)

Sparky and Buster have successfully pulled off their underground soda business. The kids, frustrated that they cannot drink soda at school, decide to go to Sparky's basement to get all the soda they want, at a price lower than at the corner stores or grocery stores in town. This also allows Sparky and Buster to spend more time with each other. Every day after school, Buster puts on his bowtie and chef's hat, then walks towards his car much to the confusion of the other kids. One night, Principal MacGregor sees an empty bottle of Pepsi on the floor while strolling around the halls, and gets a suspicious look on his face.

SCENE 20

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

One day, Sparky is talking to the other guys near his locker, minus Buster.

SPARKY: I don't know, because it was almost like it wasn't, but then it was.

JAYLYNN: But why was it that way the other time?

BUSTER: GUYS!

Buster runs up to the guys and tries to catch his breath.

BUSTER: What, do people not answer their phones anymore? I called all of you like, 19 times apiece!

WADE: You only called me once...two minutes ago.

BUSTER: Well, why didn't you pick up?

WADE: That's going to be answered by the scholars when my brain is researched for science.

SPARKY: What's going on, Buster?

BUSTER: Principal MacGregor found a bottle of Pepsi last night on the floor! He's on a manhunt for who brought it into the school!

RK: And? There's no way he can trace it back to you guys.

BUSTER: Really? We're the hottest bar in Seattle! I bet some kids already ratted us out. MacGregor's gonna go on a rampage and make us dress up like ladies for the rest of the year!

SPARKY: Buster, relax. Principal MacGregor has no reason to suspect us. We've done everything legit. He'll just forget about it and move on to something else.

SCENE 21

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Principal's Office

Seattle, Washington

The episode cuts directly to Sparky and Buster seated in Principal MacGregor's office.

SPARKY: How did I call it so badly?

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: You boys understand why you're in here, right?

BUSTER: You wanted to compliment us on our cursive?

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: This isn't a joke, Buster. I made it very clear that soda is contraband in this school, and now you guys are sneaking it onto the premises?

SPARKY: What makes you think we had anything to do with this?

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: The newspaper article? The public humiliation of this school at your hands? The explicit threats of violence against my mother?!

SPARKY: We never threatened your mother.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Okay, so maybe that was a dream. Bottom line, you guys weren't the biggest fans of being taxed, and if I find out you two had something to do with this, you're both getting suspended.

SPARKY: Are you kidding me?

BUSTER: Principal MacGregor, we can tell you right now that we had nothing to do with that bottle of Pepsi getting into the school. Because we already know who did it.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: You do?

SPARKY: We do?

BUSTER: Well, I didn't wanna say anything because they're friends of mine, but I have to do the right thing. Apparently, they go by nicknames.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Nicknames, huh? *pulls out a pen and pad* What are these nicknames?

BUSTER: Um, they like to be called Dr. Moschino...and Frankie Gaines.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Dr. Moschino and Frankie Gaines?

SPARKY: Some pretty weird nicknames, Buster.

BUSTER: That's what I said. But what are you gonna do? One kid loves Italian handbags and the other kid watches way too much Nickelodeon. These things happen.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Well, thank you for bringing this to my attention, Buster. And I would like to personally apologize to you boys for putting you in this position.

SPARKY: It's okay, Principal MacGregor.

BUSTER: Yeah, it's all water under the highway.

Sparky gives Buster a bored look.

SCENE 22

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

After school, Sparky and Buster are watching TV.

SPARKY: Man, that was a close call today. Thanks for bailing us out.

BUSTER: It was nothing. RK's taught me a couple things about staying one step ahead of people.

SPARKY: Oh. He did that.

BUSTER: Yup. Well, I guess it's time to say goodbye to our soda business.

SPARKY: Wait, what? Say goodbye? Why would we say goodbye?

BUSTER: Because we can't keep it running anymore. If MacGregor finds out about it, he'll probably keep us from going to the fifth grade. And then he'll contact his little buddies at the FBI to open files on us. We'll never be able to leave the country again!

SPARKY: It's not like we travel overseas anyway.

BUSTER: Hey, our trip to South Africa happened whether you like it or not.

SPARKY: Look, technically, we're not even doing anything wrong. If someone decided that they wanted to bring soda into school, that's their problem.

BUSTER: Yeah, that's true. Plus, this is the first time in a long time that we've ran a successful business.

SPARKY: Yeah, we've been slipping lately.

BUSTER: Are you sure we're going to be okay?

SPARKY: Of course we are. I'm never going to let anything bad happen to us.

BUSTER: Thanks, man.

SPARKY: You're welcome, kid.

Beat.

SPARKY: Seriously though, Dr. Moschino?

BUSTER: It's not like I haven't called you that before!

SCENE 23

Ike's Ice Cream Emporium

Interior Booth

Seattle, Washington

Sparky and Jaylynn are having ice cream floats later that night.

JAYLYNN: Wait, you're still gonna sell soda? Do you guys have a death wish?

SPARKY: No, Jaylynn. Besides, we're not hurting anybody. You're acting like we're selling nuclear bombs to foreign countries.

JAYLYNN: Dude, if you get caught, Principal MacGregor is going to think you lied to him about the Pepsi bottle. Then we're all going to be on the news again, and if I'm being honest, our school's not that exciting to be in the newspaper anyway.

SPARKY: Things will be okay. Buster seemed nervous about it, but I reassured him that it wouldn't be a problem.

JAYLYNN: Why would you need to reassure him?

SPARKY: It was his idea to close down but I talked him out of it.

JAYLYNN: Wait, so he's not comfortable doing it anymore, but you're still going to make him do it?

SPARKY: You're making it sound worse than it is.

JAYLYNN: That's because it does! Look, Sparky, you can't put Buster through this. He's putting all of his faith in you, and when things fail, he's going to blame you for it.

SPARKY: At least we're hanging out.

JAYLYNN: Dude...

SPARKY: I know what I'm saying. You were right about Buster and RK. They're roommates and they have a lot in common. Of course, they would get closer. Buster's even starting to sound like him. But this business is the one thing that keeps us together. Once it's over, he'll just go back to RK.

JAYLYNN: You don't know that. You have to trust Buster and give it time, not do things that might get him in trouble.

SPARKY: You know what, Jaylynn? You're right. It's time for me to be the friend Buster deserves.

JAYLYNN: That's what I'm talking about. Hey, are you still paying for my float? Because you said you were.

Sparky gives Jaylynn a bored look.

JAYLYNN: Don't look at me like that. You know what you said.

SCENE 24

The Jennings Household

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

Sparky rings the bell at RK's place that same night when KG opens the door.

KG: You selling Girl Scout cookies or something?

SPARKY: No, I just need to talk to Buster. It's urgent.

KG: We can't accept visitors at this time.

SPARKY: KG, I've come here later than this. Could I just talk to him?

KG: That depends. Are you willing to answer a riddle that gave the person who created it a nervous breakdown?

Beat.

KG: Alright, I'm just being a dick. Come on in.

SCENE 25

The Jennings Household

Interior Guest Room

Seattle, Washington

Sparky walks in while Buster is using his phone.

SPARKY: Hey Buster, you got a minute?

BUSTER: Sure, man, what's up?

SPARKY: I was thinking about the soda business and you're right. I don't think we should keep doing it if we're going to get in trouble for it.

BUSTER: Really? That's great! It's too bad, though. We were really good at serving drinks.

SPARKY: I know. Remember yesterday when we pulled off that spin flip move with the Mountain Dew?

BUSTER: Yeah, and Ashley just looked at us like what we did was unnecessary?

SPARKY AND BUSTER: Good times.

BUSTER: You know what? Why do we have to stop right now?

SPARKY: What do you mean?

BUSTER: I mean, we still have a lot of drinks in the basement. Someone's gonna have to buy them.

SPARKY: You're right. All that product will go to waste.

BUSTER: We could have a sale. One last going out with a bang sale. We get rid of all the soda and then we're out.

SPARKY: I like that idea. So how about after school tomorrow?

BUSTER: Works for me. I'm going to find the best chef's hat I can for the occasion.

SCENE 26

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

The next morning, Buster takes out a black chef's hat to show the guys.

RK: Why is your hat black?

BUSTER: It's a going out with a bang sale. If I don't dress for the occasion, I'll be spitting in the face of the soda business. Everything I worked so hard for will be nothing.

WADE: You guys started the business a couple weeks ago.

BUSTER: Hey, keep it up with your tone and you'll be paying full price for your drinks.

JAYLYNN: You guys really aren't worried about getting caught?

SPARKY: Why would we be? MacGregor thinks Dr. Moschino and Frankie Gaines are behind this, and as long as we get rid of all the soda, nobody can touch us.

JAYLYNN: Okay, well, make sure you have all the Fanta stored in a box for me. I get first pick.

RK: What if I wanted to get the first pick?

JAYLYNN: I'll stab you with an ice pick.

RK: You don't have the balls.

BUSTER: You guys can talk about stabbing people in the balls later. We have a sale to prepare for.

SPARKY: You're right. Let's get to class before anyone eavesdrops.

The kids leave the area, but Wade goes into a different direction and sees Manny and Will being accosted by Principal MacGregor. He hides behind the wall to avoid being seen. MacGregor takes a can of Coca-Cola away from Manny.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Alright, boys, explain to me where you got this. Or you're both getting detention.

WILL: Are you sure that's really a can of soda? Maybe it's juice.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: It's a can of Coke, Will.

WILL: With Gatorade inside?

MANNY: It was Sparky and Buster! They're the ones who have been giving us soda from their basement for weeks!

WILL: Dude, you couldn't have just said you got it from the corner store?

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: So Sparky and Buster lied to me?! That's it. I'm going to Sparky's house after school and I'm raiding it. How dare they bring an illicit drink into my school?!

Principal MacGregor storms off.

WILL: You're an idiot.

MANNY: Yeah, I know. I really wanted to be first in line for that sale.

Cut back to Wade.

WADE: Oh, this is some serious shit.

SCENE 27

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

The guys are all at the lunch table as Wade explains what he heard.

JAYLYNN: You gotta be kidding me.

BUSTER: I know. If Principal MacGregor buys all the soda, there will be nothing left for anyone else.

WADE: Buster, I don't think the guy is looking to support your business. He wants to kill your business.

SPARKY: Well, it doesn't matter. Today's our last day of operation.

WADE: But it's beyond your control now. If he comes to your house and sees all the soda, you're done for.

RK: Okay, I think I know what we have to do. We beat Manny down so badly, he won't even remember his own name, and then we get rid of all the soda after school.

WADE: I don't think that's gonna work out. We need time to remove all the soda from Sparky's house.

JAYLYNN: That sucks. I wanted to choke Manny until he blacked out.

WADE: Jaylynn, anger management classes really don't cost much. So what can we do to keep Sparky and Buster out of trouble?

SPARKY: I think I have an idea.

Sparky takes out his phone and starts dialing, then waits for an answer.

SPARKY: Hello? Yeah, Bitch Clock? You know those guys you have on payroll? Well, we need their help with something. Beat. NO, WE DON'T NEED YOU TO KILL OUR PRINCIPAL!

SCENE 28

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Bitch Clock watches as his crew members remove boxes and boxes of soda from the basement, along with parts from the wet bar.

BITCH CLOCK: That's right, guys, everything goes in the truck. I don't want to see a single trace of soda in that basement. No orange soda, no grape soda, no baking soda, no soda biscuits. If you don't know by now, you better ask somebody.

One crew member walks up to Bitch Clock holding a small bag of marijuana.

CREW MEMBER: Hey Bitch Clock, why can't we just kill the old man? We're shooters, we don't work for U-Haul.

BITCH CLOCK: Sparky specifically said no violence. I don't understand it either, but you know how kids are. Wait, why are you holding that weed?

CREW MEMBER: Because I was gonna smoke it.

BITCH CLOCK: You idiot, we're trying to do a job here. And give me the bag. I use weed for business, not recreation.

The crew member gives Bitch Clock the bag of weed.

BITCH CLOCK: Now go help out the guys with loading the truck.

The crew member leaves the house.

BITCH CLOCK: I swear, I don't understand people sometimes.

SCENE 29

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Bitch Clock is drinking coffee with Principal MacGregor.

BITCH CLOCK: You know, I have to say that you're wearing a fantastic tie. Is that Armani?

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: It's from Target.

BITCH CLOCK: Well, they sell nice things too.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Can you explain to me why you're serving me coffee?

BITCH CLOCK: You just seem tense. Besides, if you're going to raid a kid's house, you might as well have some nice refreshments.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: I have my reasons for this raid.

BITCH CLOCK: Maybe. But with all the teachers going to jail for banging their students, you really think this is the best idea?

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Are you implying that I'm attracted to the students I'm responsible for?

BITCH CLOCK: Sounds like you're turning it into something it never was.

At that point, several security guards leave the basement.

GUARD #1: Hey MacGregor, you made a mistake. There's no soda down there.

GUARD #2: Yeah, it's 100% clean.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Really. So it is.

BITCH CLOCK: I think you owe Sparky and Buster an apology.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Yeah, I guess I do. Let them know they're off the hook whenever they come here.

At that point, a crew member walks through the front door.

CREW MEMBER: Hey Bitch Clock, what do you want us to do with all the leftover basement soda?

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: What the hell is he talking about?

Bitch Clock takes a tchotchke from the coffee table and hits the crew member in the head with it, knocking him out.

BITCH CLOCK: He has a serious drinking problem.

SCENE 30

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Detention Room

Seattle, Washington

Sparky and Buster are forced to write "I Will Not Smuggle Soda Into School" several times in their notebooks as part of their punishment.

SPARKY: Well, this is what we get for taking a stand. I bet if RK were here, he would ramble on and on about America.

BUSTER: Dude, we're not supposed to talk in here.

SPARKY: Yes, we can. All we have to do is write about how we won't do whatever the thing is that we did in our books.

BUSTER: Oh. I just don't wanna make waves, you know?

SPARKY: Look, Buster, I'm sorry for getting us in all this trouble. If you don't want to hang out with me anymore, I understand.

BUSTER: What? Stop hanging out with you? Did the real Sparky get abducted by aliens?

SPARKY: No, but ever since you moved in with RK, you guys have gotten really close. I just figured you were more interested in hanging out with him.

BUSTER: No freaking way! RK's great, but you're my best friend. I could never replace you.

SPARKY: Really?

BUSTER: Yeah. They don't just sell Sparkys at stores. And even if they did, I wouldn't buy one because, you know, they would probably put a bunch of nasty-ass chemicals in them.

SPARKY: That means more to me than if we had ever gotten away with it.

Principal MacGregor walks in at that point.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: You guys have a chance to talk?

BUSTER: Stop trying to get us in more trouble!

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: You're not in trouble. I think we can all agree that this soda thing got way out of hand and just because you boys were selling soda, doesn't mean you were bringing it into school. I also would like to apologize for my gross abuse of power.

SPARKY: It's a little too late to realize that.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Not quite. I'm taking you guys off punishment, and I was able to secure the extra money this school needs for the rest of the year.

BUSTER: How?

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Well, I caught one of the members of the school board in a compromising position with, um...you know what? I don't need to go into details. Let's just say I have leverage now.

SCENE 31

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

Several kids are on hand to witness the return of the vending machine.

JAYLYNN: I'm glad they brought back the vending machines.

RK: Yeah, especially after all the hell we've been put through.

WADE: I guess Principal MacGregor found a better way to save money.

BUSTER: Or he's just using blackmail.

WADE: What?

BUSTER: Nothing.

The kids see others taking out water.

SPARKY: What the hell? Where's the soda?

WADE: It looks like they sell soda and water now.

RK: This is it? This is what you guys worked so hard to bring back?

JAYLYNN: Yeah, we can get water anywhere. All that soda is going to be gone by the end of the day.

BUSTER: You guys want to go to Ike's for some Cowboy Pop later?

KIDS: Yeah.

The kids leave the area, bored and disappointed.

RK (V.O.): F*** this school.

Cut to black.

("U Don't Know" by Jay-Z plays over the end credits)

©2018 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS