Author's note: Hey, you know how I said this wasn't coming until August? Well, I lied. Finally, I get to have some more fun with this. Let's get to it, shall we?
Narrator: When we last left our hero, he was going to get punished so hard, Cold War era KGB agents thought his uncle was going too far.
Harry: Was the straitjacket really necessary?
Vernon: It's to make sure you don't try anything.
Harry: You've got my arms chained to the ground. Exactly what could I try?
Vernon: Exactly. Now, clean this room. It stinks like shit. And keep that bird quiet.
Harry: You don't think it might be because she's in a cage just barely big enough for her to fit in, and I've been chained here for three days straight, and any time I've asked to go to the bathroom you've said 'just go where you are, you filthy creature'?
Vernon: I fail to see how any of that is my fault.
Harry: I wonder if I can use my magic to break that window.
Vernon: And get yourself expelled?
Harry: Followed by Hedwig making so much noise, the neighbours will call the RSPCA, who will in turn call the NSPCC, and seeing as you're the man of the house…
Vernon: …where did I leave that key?
*later*
Harry: Ahh, feels good to have the ability to move again.
Vernon: Just wait. The second I can get you locked up again I will *phone rings* I better get that.
Harry: I wonder who it is. Wait…I told Ron to call me…and he hasn't done it yet…OH GOD!
Ron: *over phone* HELLO! SIR! I! WOULD! LIKE! TO! TALK! TO! HARRY!
Vernon: WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?!
Ron: THIS! IS! RON! WEASLEY! I! AM! A! FRIEND! OF! HARRY'S! FROM! SCHOOL!
Harry: Well, at least he only said friend.
Ron: AND! WE! OCCASIONALLY! FUCK! EACH OTHER!
Harry: DAMN IT RON!
Vernon: *calmly hangs up phone and turns to face Harry* Boy?
Harry: Look, to be fair, they don't use phones in the wizarding world, so…
Vernon: It's bad enough that you decided to be magical, but now you're choosing to be gay too?
Harry: First, neither of those is a choice, and second, I'm not gay, Ron just wants me to be.
Vernon: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH THOSE PRAY AWAY THE GAY CAMPS COST?!
Harry: And yet, they're about as efficient as your attempts to make me not magical.
Vernon: Don't you try and be smarter than me boy.
Harry: Too late.
Vernon: THAT'S IT! Go to your room.
Harry: I was wondering when we were going to get to the actual start of the book.
*that night*
Harry: …oh, wait, I just remembered. I'm the only character saying or doing anything for the rest of the chapter. I can't do anything funny by myself…well, guess this will be a standard chapter of Harry Potter Abridged then.
*Hedwig and another owl fly towards the window carrying Errol. The owls are carrying several packages and letters. As they get close, Errol gets loose and starts flying towards the open window, only to turn at the last second and crash into the wall*
Harry: Hedwig, could you peal what's left of Errol off the wall please? *takes letter from other owl, which is from Hogwarts* Okay, what's this letter about. "Dear Mr. Potter, please be advised that as a third year you may go on scheduled visits to Hogsmeade, a very safe wizarding village full of candy shops near the school. However, you must have your pare…err, guardian, sign this permission slip. We don't want to be liable if something happens to you." Really?
*Hedwig flies in with Errol, still alive*
Harry: Wow, you survived? Well, let's see what Ron has to say. "Dearest Harry, sorry about the phone call to your uncle. I didn't realise we weren't telling people yet. Anyway, my dad won the Wizard Lottery, so we've been holidaying in Egypt the last few weeks. He was going to win eventually, since he was using our birthdays, which means he picked every number. For your birthday, I sent you a Pocket Sneakoscope. It tells you when someone untrustworthy is around. I know that it works, it kept going off when Fred and George were around, but only when Scabbers was also around, so it might be rat powered. Also, Percy's Head Boy now. Speaking of which…" I'm going to stop reading now.
*picks up Hermione's present*
Harry: Well, at least this should be somewhat sensible. And given the present's vaguely book-like shape, I'm guessing it's a *unwraps it to find a broomstick servicing kit* Oh. It's something kind of magical. Does that mean she's accepted the existence of magic? *opens her letter* "Dear Harry, Happy birthday. I didn't know what to get you, but then dad suggested that, since you're a boy, you'd want something car related. But since you can't drive yet, but you do have one of the hoverbrooms that was invented by science, you'd want to get something to keep it looking nice." Nope, still in denial.
*picks up Hagrid's present. It immediately starts moving*
Harry: Okay, this is a bad start. Do I dare even open this thing *sees his hand moving to unwrap the present* Damn my protagonist instincts *unwraps Monster Book of Monster, that immediately clamps itself on his balls* *high-pitched squeal* *removes Book from his balls and ties a belt around it* Damn it Hagrid. Why would you send me a book that bites? For that matter, why did you buy me a book in the first place? I didn't know you could even read. *reads Hagrid's letter* "Dear 'arry, if those muggles give ye any trouble, just sic ol' Monsty onto 'em. That'll show 'em. Also, ye might need it at school this year." What kind of sick psychopath would assign a book that bites you…oh God, they're letting Hagrid teach a class.