The Tumblr user "uh-ohdaddyscalling" requested the prompt "this is a totally inappropriate soundtrack." It's weird, but that line is definitely in here!
Scully got flustered from time to time, but this was the first instance in a while where she was thoroughly and utterly embarrassed. Hell, even Mulder looked like he was trying his best to sink into the seat beneath him, attempting to look casual even though the red tips of his ears hinted at what he was truly feeling. It all stemmed from a misunderstanding too. A humiliating, misconstrued misunderstanding.
Mulder and her had simply been riding in the elevator yesterday when her pen fell on the ground. She turned around and bent down to get it when the elevator made an abrupt stop. She hadn't anticipated anyone would get on, so the sudden stop toppled her forward and she grabbed onto Mulder's belt to steady herself. Mulder, ever the chivalrous one, placed one hand on her shoulder and the other hand on the side of her head to steady her.
She had attempted to stand up, but her heel was at an awkward angle, so she ended up falling to her knees completely in front of him, her movement inadvertently making the hand in her hair slide to the back of her head. At that same moment, the elevator doors decided to slide open and reveal their incriminating pose.
And that's what A.D. Skinner, along with five other high ranking FBI officials saw; Scully on her knees grabbing at Mulder's belt as he loomed over her, pressing his hand against the back of her skull. Perfect.
Oh yeah, and Mulder just had to choose that morning to forget to zip up his fly after making a pit stop at the restroom.
And it had to be the day he ran out of underwear and boxers.
Of course.
Mulder, quite literally, grabbed her by the biceps and hoisted her to her feet, dramatically stating, "Woah there Scully, are you okay?" to make it look like the accident it was. It probably would have worked, except her necklace got caught on his belt, stopping her midway up. She raised her hand up to disentangle it, but since she couldn't see very well, her hand accidentally slid into the opening of his fly and grazed his bare penis. Mulder gasped and jumped and immediately reached his hand down to help her, also to zip up his fly. An action definitely obvious to the group of spectators.
"What the hell is going o-" Skinner's voice boomed, but the elevator door closed before the last of his reprimand could be heard. As soon as the doors closed, she was free and snapped up, coming face to face with a flustered Mulder. They just stared at each other for a moment in pure mortification.
Their boss, along with several other people, were under the assumption that Scully was blowing Mulder in the elevator.
It was no surprise for either of them when they both received emails declaring that their presence was mandatorily required at the next day's sexual harassment seminar. She contemplated e-mailing Skinner and explaining the situation, but if he wanted clarification, he would have just summoned them for a meeting. She had a feeling the other men with him pressured him into doing this, and the message rang loud and clear; go to the seminar and we'll just forget about this.
Now they were sitting in a room filled with a bunch of newbies and men that obviously got caught doing something they shouldn't have. The seminar was only required once at the beginning of your career. You only had to go back if you messed up. They stuck out like sore thumbs.
She knew it wasn't Skinner, but someone who saw the incident must've been spreading it around, because they were currently the center of attention. If she heard 'spooky' whispered one more time she was going to self-combust into flames. Mulder must've been aware of the unwanted attention too, because when one man leered at Scully and poked his tongue against the inside of his cheek suggestively, Mulder was quick to bark, "Turn around pervert."
She turned to him and saw he was playing with the sheet of paper in front of him nervously. She tapped his leg under the table to get his attention and whispered, "I'm sorry. This is my fault."
"No it's not. It was an accident. If anything, I really made the situation worse."
She shook her head and played with her pen idly, "No you didn't. You were just trying to help."
"I'm really sorry about, um, that, by the way," he murmured, avoiding her gaze.
"About what?" she asked, not quite sure what in particular he was referring to.
"I should have zipped up, um," he rambled, rubbing his hand over the back of his neck self consciously. "I'm sorry my, uh, little Mulder was in your face and that you accidentally touched it."
A few people around them turned around and gave them an awkward glance, making them both blush and look away for a moment until they turned around. "Don't be sorry. We've all gone without from time to time," she ignored the way his eyebrow cocked up suggestively at that, "-and I wouldn't call it little," she teased.
He turned to her fully with a grin on his face, but before he could respond the exuberant woman at the front jumped up to the podium and started. "Welcome, welcome everyone, to this year's sexual harassment seminar!" Scully and Mulder exchanged a judgemental glance at the woman's enthusiasm.
She spent a while explaining what the seminar was for; so those who are new to the bureau would understand the standard of the work environment and for those who had strayed off the path could get a refresher. Then they had to sit there and endure a horribly dated video that essentially could be summed up in the statement "Don't slap a female coworkers ass" since it was really the only thing depicted over and over again.
When the lights came back on, the woman asked that everyone look at their sheets of paper and take note of the five blank spaces at the top. She was going to give everyone ten minutes to partner up and brainstorm five things that would constitute sexual harassment in the workplace. After the instructions, she ran over to the corner of the room and turned up the volume on the radio for background noise, and "Cherry Pie" by Warrant filled the walls of the room.
Scully swiveled in her seat to face Mulder who was wearing a knowing grin on his face. "Isn't this song about cunnilingus?" she asked.
"Cunnilingus, so technical, Scully," he teased.
"Oh, I'm sorry. Isn't this song about eating pussy?" she deadpanned.
His eyes widened at her vulgarity and his smile widened. "My, my," he admonished jokingly, "Yes, this a pussy-eating anthem. This is a totally inappropriate soundtrack for a sexual harassment seminar isn't it?" he laughed as she mentally recovered from hearing him say pussy-eating.
She cleared her throat and tried to resume a semblance of professionalism. "So, number one, um-"
"Your partner touching your penis without permission." She glared at him and he added, "Kidding, kidding."
"I'll write inappropriate touching," she stated, humor lacing her voice as he wrote the same thing on his paper.
She looked up and caught him glaring at another man sitting across the room. "What?"
"Let's add leering and ogling," he growled in irritation, writing the words down as if he had a personal vendetta against them. She turned around and saw he'd been glaring at an older agent who, upon seeing her, winked and puckered his lips in a mock kiss.
She turned back around to Mulder's irritated glare and stated, "For good measure add inappropriate gestures and comments for number three."
"I'm sorry," he whispered sincerely as they wrote down the answer.
"I told you already. It was obviously an acciden-"
"Not that." She looked at him expectantly for an explanation and he continued, "That you have to deal with men like him."
"What? Men who flirt with me? I'm partners with a man like him," she teased, finishing the last few words of the third answer. She noticed he hadn't moved and looked up to see a face of stricken hurt.
She realized instantly that he hadn't taken it as a joke and thought she was sincerely implying he was anything like the other men in the room. She set down her pen, put her hand on his bicep, leaned into him, and vehemently reassured, "Mulder I was kidding, I'm sorry. That wasn't funny. You're nothing like the men who harass me. I enjoy it when you tease me, please don't be upset. I'm sorry."
"You'd tell me if I crossed a line, right?" he asked.
"I'll never need to," she promised. His face lit up in surprise and she realized her phrasing had, yet again, been misconstrued. She meant that she knew he'd never do anything to make her uncomfortable, that she trusted him, but the way she said it made it sound like she was implying he could do anything to her and she'd like it. Which wasn't a lie, but it was still bold of her to say.
"You enjoy it when I tease you?" It was a question, but he said it like a statement, like he was toying with the idea in his head. She realized then just how close she had leaned into him and she didn't want him to see her get flustered.
So instead she decided to alleviate the budding tension by going back to her paper and writing "Teasing partner on purpose," under number four, speaking it aloud so he knew what she was writing.
He barked out a laugh and wrote it down on his too. Then they both stopped and stared at their papers for a moment before looking at each other, "Is it bad I'm having a hard time thinking of another one?" he asked sheepishly.
It was only five, it shouldn't have been so hard. "Ummm," she pondered out loud. Before they could reach a conclusion, the woman called time and was asking for volunteers. "No physical contact between partners."
Mulder and Scully looked at each other and scoffed at the vague answer. Of course partners would touch, that was just a part of the job. "That's exactly right!" the seminar lady declared, making both their attentions snap to her in confusion. "There is no reason for partners to have physical contact unless it's an emergency. Touching of the arm, the small of the back, even if well intended, is too familiar for colleagues."
When she mentioned the small of the back she felt hers burn. That was Mulder's designated area, he touched it every time they entered or left a room practically, and she literally was just touching his arm a minute ago. She tried to remember other partners she saw around the building and she started to realize she actually didn't see any of them close. She hadn't really realized they were doing anything out of the ordinary.
She picked on someone else and they confidently stated, "No phone calls outside of work hours." Now she felt Mulder's discontent with that one. If she looked at her phone bill she was positive 80% of her incoming calls would be from him and plenty were off hours. She didn't quite understand how that was sexual harassment though.
"Great example. Phone calls after hours usually have an ulterior motive of intimacy that the recipient might not appreciate." Mulder looked over to her, slightly concerned and she shook her head in reassurance that she did not find his calls invasive.
There were several more examples that followed: No adjoining hotel rooms, never buy something for your partner, hugging was against the law, agents should only be seen by other agents in professional attire, never meet up outside of work, never consume alcohol in the other's presence, respect personal space, etc. Mulder and Scully just sat there in stunned silence. They thought it was bullshit, but they broke every single one. Every. Single. One.
Mulder leaned over to her so he could whisper in her ear, "We may as well have been having sex in the office and we'd be just as guilty as we already are apparently."
She felt her face flame up at the bluntness of his words and the way his warm breath tickled the shell of her ear and the hollow of her neck. She turned to smirk at him, but was interrupted by a harsh, "Excuse me!" She jolted upright and looked at the front of the room only to see everyone was looking at them, making her face flame up even more. "That's a prime example of why we're all here today."
She turned around to look behind her to see if there was an unfortunate soul behind her that was the center of attention, but alas, it was definitely directed at them. "What do you mean?" Mulder asked.
"You were all over her," the woman, whose name tag read Kimberly now that Scully was actually looking at her.
"No he wasn't," Scully shot back.
"But they're married, so it's different" a man in the front row stated as if it was obvious.
"No we're not," they exclaimed in unison.
"Why were you invading her personal space?" Kimberly asked.
"I was not invading her personal space."
"Look at how red her face is, you clearly made her uncomfortable."
"No, he didn't," Scully spat, irritated that her face was probably only getting more red under the attention.
"Weren't they caught having sex in the elevator?" someone whispered loudly.
"That's it," she barked, making a hush fall over the murmurs. She stood up and made a show of pulling Mulder up with her. "First of all, we shouldn't have to be here. Second of all, physical touch or proximity," she grabbed Mulder's shoulder for emphasis, "Is not sexual harassment. Most of what you've said isn't. You're being ridiculous. We have the highest solve rate in the Bureau, so if someone has a problem with us leaving, report it to A.D Skinner." She grabbed Mulder's wrist and pulled him out with her, leaving the room in stunned silence.
She pulled him all the way to the elevator that got them into this situation and didn't let go until she slapped the basement button. She started to calm down when they were in the seclusion of the elevator and she glanced at Mulder to gauge his reaction. It was unlike her to overreact like that, but, since her relationship with Mulder was the most important thing she had right now, she didn't appreciate people trying to poke holes in it.
She wasn't all that surprised that he was staring at her in awe. She was about to apologize when he spoke up, "Would it be sexual harassment if I told you that was really hot?"
I hope you enjoy! Sorry if it was a little lackluster, I used this to distract myself from homework lolol. -Nicole (Tumblr/Twitter: gaycrouton)