I'm back! Wow, it's been quite sometime. For those of you who have read my previous story, I hope you enjoy this one just as much. For those of you who haven't, welcome! I had a crazy year, but I am back at it. Enjoy this chapter everyone!
Arizona and Callie both waited restlessly outside of Joan's hospital room, both unsure of how to break the news of her fiance's passing. No words between the two doctors had been exchanged. Callie noticed Arizona fidgeting with the collar of her scrubs as if she was looking for something to grab. Arizona had this nervous habit of playing with her necklace when her anxiety set in, but now that she and Callie had been divorced for quite some time she no longer wore their matching heart necklaces. Arizona couldn't find it within herself to put a different necklace on, so she just grabbed onto her collar and gently ran her fingers across the seam. Callie could tell she was struggling,
"I can do it." she broke their long silence. Arizona's thoughts were interrupted by Callie's words. She brought her attention to Callie's eyes. Eyes should avoided as much as she could. She opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out right away. After a moment she was able to pull her thoughts together. She cleared her throat and adjusted her stance,
"I've got it." She said confidently enough that she even almost believed it herself. Callie nodded and let Arizona enter the patient's room first. Joan was awake and had a defeated look in her eyes. This wasn't the way it was supposed to be. She wanted nothing more than to see Keith walk through the doors holding their son, but she knew that wasn't going to happen.
Arizona stood at the foot of Joan's bed and reached for her collar once again. The three stood in silence for a moment until Callie cleared her throat. A que for Arizona to begin speaking. Arizona took a deep breath and took a step closer to Joan, "Joan, we came in to talk to you about Keith." Joan's eyes already filled up with tears knowing what they were about to say.
"He didn't make it, did he?" She asked. Her words were soft, but they had made Arizona feel like she just got punched in the gut. Callie bowed her head and stepped closer to the both of them. Arizona paused for a second and nodded her head,
"I am so sorry for your loss. They did absolutely everything they possibly could for him. He just didn't make it." Arizona said with sincerity. Joan quietly began sobbing, still unable to move her head, she shut her eyes trying to stop the tears from falling. After a few moments she opened them and looked into Arizona's eyes and softly said,
"This wasn't how it was supposed to be. I was supposed to be marrying this man. Keith was supposed to be here. Our son was supposed to meet his father. I didn't even get to marry him." she said once again with tears falling down her cheeks. Callie could feel the tears building up in her own eyes, she then wondered if Arizona was tearing as well. Unable to see her face because her back was to her Callie spoke up,
"Keith loved you very much. He told his doctors to let you know that he was proud and loved you."
"I couldn't even tell him one last time that I loved him." Joan cleared her throat as several tears escaped her eyes. Arizona moved closer to Joan once again and spoke gently,
"He knew Joan, he knew."
"What am I supposed to do? I was supposed to love him forever. He was supposed to be mine forever. What now?" Joan looked to Arizona for answers.
"Listen, I know it may not feel this way right now, but you will always have him. Just because you aren't with someone, or just because you didn't get a chance to marry them… that doesn't mean anything. You both shared a real connection and love and that will never ever go away, I promise you. A love that strong stays with you, it will always be in your heart regardless of anything life throws your way." Arizona began feeling the tears in her eyes build up. Joan was no longer crying, she sniffled a few times and looked deep into Arizona's eyes.
"You sound really sure about that." She said. Arizona gave a weak smile and nodded her head. Joan looked her up and down sympathetically and said, "How can you know that Keith will stay with me?"
"Because you love him. Love doesn't just go away. I promise you." Arizona spoke confidently even though her heart felt heavy. The room got quiet once again. Joan could see that Arizona had either physically or emotionally lost someone she once loved. She wanted to learn how Arizona pulled through. Joan's face began looking a little more hopeful, "Do you have a husband ?" The question took Arizona by surprise. Callie couldn't hide the shocked look on her face as she stared at Joan. Joan laid still and waited for an answer.
"No, I don't have a husband." Arizona answered shyly.
"Do you have a wife?" Joan replied rather quickly. This also took Arizona aback. Callie's eyes went to Arizona, but once again all she could see was the back of her head. Arizona then looked down at her hands and opened her mouth to speak,
"No… I don't, I don't have a wife either." She said quietly, "I've just been in love." Arizona wanted to divert the conversation away from her love life, but Joan continued to ask questions. She was looking for some answers. Her questioning came from a place of her simply seeking some understanding to the situation she was going through. Arizona's advice seemed so positive and so exact on how Joan could keep going with her life, Joan just wanted Arizona to identify with her,
"Are you still in love?" Joan asked. Arizona looked down and took a breath. Callie stared desperately at the two having this conversation in front of her. Listening to every word that came out of Arizona's mouth. She felt her heart drop when Joan asked Arizona about still being in love. She stood there waiting for Arizona to respond. Arizona could feel Callie's eyes on her. Things between her and Callie hadn't been anything special. They only spoke when it came to anything work or Sofia related. They hadn't hung out or been involved in each others personal lives for almost a year and a half now, but the love was still there; at least on Arizona's part. Everyday was just a reminder of how much she missed Callie. Seeing so much of Callie in Sofia was another reminder. Having to work cases with her only made her realize how incredible Callie was, not only as a surgeon, but also as a person. Nothing about their divorce was easy on Arizona. She knew this was what Callie wanted. And after everything all Arizona wanted to do was make Callie happy and not get in her way of feeling free. Arizona opened her mouth to tell Joan she was in fact no longer in love with Callie that way, she just simply had love for her, which quite frankly were two different things in Arizona's book. Though this was a lie, this was what she wanted to go with considering that Callie was standing no less than two feet behind her. She opened her mouth to falsely clarify her feelings for Callie, but when she opened her mouth nothing came out. She attempted to answer Joan's question one more time,
"I… uh… I'm," she spoke softly. Callie waited nervously and curiously for Arizona's response. The two had barely had any real contact in the last several months and Callie felt like Arizona had just moved on from the idea of their relationship. Though she was the one that initiated the split, all she just wanted was for herself and Arizona to be happy, whether that meant being together or not. She assumed that Arizona had found happiness within herself and or maybe even within a new relationship, so she just let her be and did her best to move on from the relationship. Though moving on seemed a lot easier said than done. Arizona still consumed Callie's thoughts.
Arizona attempted one more time to answer Joan's question, "I am, I'm still in love with this woman." Arizona said quietly. Something within her couldn't lie about how she felt about Callie even if it meant messing up whatever kind of relationship they had just rebuilt. She just couldn't be in that room and deny being completely in love with her. She began playing with her collar once more, "I have always been and I will always be in love with her." She continued as she could feel her heart beating faster than ever. Callie felt tears building up in her eyes as she felt a slight ache in her chest. Joan smiled at the revelation.
"Why can't you be together?" Joan asked with a sad smile. Arizona now realized what she had done and began to feel some regret. She could still feel Callie watching her. She was too nervous to turn around and face the woman so Arizona kept her attention on Joan as she answered her question,
"Because… It just didn't work out that way for us."
"But you're in love." Joan responded childishly. Arizona closed her eyes and shook her head softly hoping that Joan would just drop the conversation.
"Yeah, I am." Arizona felt a single tear fall down her cheek, "Completely." She said slightly above a whisper, but it was loud of enough that both Joan and Callie could hear. Joan was about to speak before Arizona cut back in, "This woman has my heart. And just because it didn't work out that doesn't mean that love just goes away." Arizona said trying to give Joan hope. Callie felt her breathing become increasingly more difficult to control. Part of her wanted to walk out of the room, the other part knew she needed to stay.
"Go get her." Joan replied.
"What?" Arizona said with a slight laugh.
"You heard me, go get this girl. She is still alive, correct?" Joan said so positively, " if I have learned anything in the last twenty four hours it is that life is so incredibly short. You are so right," She paused, "It's gonna hurt like hell to be without him, but I will forever have Keith with me. In my heart, he's in my son, I have a piece of him wherever I go from here on out. That love can live in my heart," she smiled, "But you… you have a chance. Don't let the love for this girl only live in your heart when you can still feel it and be in it with her. And you know what? If you're worried that she's no longer in love with you, I think you're wrong.I mean I just met you and I think you're pretty awesome, so why wouldn't she still be in love with you too?" She paused once more, "Am I right Dr. Torres ?" Callie's attention hadn't left Arizona during almost the entire conversation until this question was asked of her. She snapped out of it and turned her attention to Joan, who was looking at her eagerly waiting for an answer. Arizona looked down at her hands secretly hoping Callie would say yes. Joan looked at Callie with confusion, "Dr. Torres, don't you think this woman is still in love with Dr. Robbins too?" Joan said so oblivious to the whole situation. Silence filled the room. Arizona slowly turned and looked back at Callie, who was already looking directly towards her with barely visible tears in her eyes. Arizona knew every part of Callie, so she knew she was holding back her tears. They looked into each others eyes for a moment until Callie then turned her attention back to Joan and spoke so quietly it was almost a whisper,
"Yeah... I think you're right, Joan." Arizona couldn't get a read on exactly what Callie was thinking, but she was so visibly upset that Arizona felt like she only hurt her by expressing the love she still had for her. Callie avoided all eye contact and turned away from both Joan and Arizona.
"Go get her. Be happy with her. You deserve to feel that happiness while you can. Don't let the world take that away from you." Joan said with a small smile on her face. Arizona tucked her hair behind her ears and returned the smiled. She wanted nothing more than to change the subject, noticing that Callie's back was still turned away from them.
"This is supposed to be about you, you know?" Arizona attempted to revert the conversation back to Joan. Callie finally turned back around, but kept her eyes looking downward at the floor and her arms crossed.
"It was. The love of my life is gone and I'll deal with that. Yours is still out there, you should deal with that as well," Joan could feel her eyes starting to tear, "I want someone here to have a fairytale ending, so go and try again." Joan gave both doctors a genuine smile. Callie wiped the tear out of her eye and began slowly heading out the door. Hearing the door close behind her Arizona knew that Callie had just walked out. She felt a knot build up in her stomach.
"Just buzz the nurses if you need anything." Arizona smiled back at Joan.
"I know, I got it." Joan said closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. Arizona placed her hands in her pockets and walked towards the door. She closed it quietly behind her. Quickly scanning the halls, Callie was nowhere to be seen. Arizona leaned her head back on the door and closed her eyes. The silence suddenly hit her. What exactly did I just do?