This one's just for you, HalloweenJack138. We've come out of retirement. Oh, and I suppose this reveals the mythical secret that this is essentially tag-team fanfiction. One half of us is Manly, and the other half is Steve. Thus, we create MANLY STEVE!
We'd like to thank Steve's Romanian physics teacher for her accent-inspiration.
Karen grimaced as she took a shit. It's really hard trying to have sex with everyone in Dunder Mifflin, she thought while wiping. It was extremely, extremely cold in her apartment. It was so cold that the coldness was rippling in its own translucent, cold ice. Needless to say, Karen's nipples had become icebergs, and they, too, were rippling in their own translucent forearms of lust. All seven of her nipples pierced through her "I heart bodybuilding" shirt. She decided to warm herself up with a bowl of oatmeal. And by "a bowl of oatmeal," I mean killing a squirrel with a hammer.
Karen was walking to the kitchen when her phone spontaneously rang. Her ring tone was "Steam Heat", from the Pajama Game. Karen took a few moments to break-dance to her ring tone and revel in her own hotness before answering. Jim was on the line.
He was calling from a Slovenian prison. As it turns out, throwing a midget into the air while grinding suggestively against a large, stuffed Chewbacca was illegal in Slovenia. Jim had only been in prison for a couple of hours, yet he already felt a strong emotional and sexual bond building with his cellmate, Bruno. However, his prison warden was Hot!Pam, clad in a sexy cop suit. He spoke in a gruff Romanian accent.
"You suck, beeeatch!" he intoned, "I loff Pam, hombre! I no longer vish to fuck ur bloodayy gash, beeatch!"
Bruno was appalled at his cellmate's outburst.
"WHY IS THERE NO WATER ON THE BEETCHES???" He threatened. "YOU NO WANT ME TO USE BROOM!"
Pam giggled seductively in the background.
"I. Love to paint," she giggled giggl-y, "It's so...hot. And, also, I touch myself with my brushes."
So that's why everything's painted in green, Jim thought to himself. He picked up the phone to ask Karen for help, but then realized that it would feel much better if he used the phone as a man-dildo on himself.
Karen spontaneously gained 400 pounds and moaned, "It's tough out here for a pimp!" before collapsing in on herself. However, her organs, which erupted from her mouth, contained a magical key. Jim then leapt through the phone to use the key to free Bruno from their love nest. However, when Jim reached for the key, a Charizard appeared out of nowhere and attempted to set him on fire. Using his power of making every pre-teen girl wet themselves in that special area, he pulled out a lightsaber and did what came naturally. He made toast. But not just any ordinary toast. This was Super Toast.
Pam ate it gleefully, rubbing the hot butter all over her succulent cop body. Bruno snorted irritatedly, and then pranced away to interview participants in one of the many Slovenian fashion shows. Then, Pam got pregnant and got really, really fat. Jim suddenly realized that, even if he had remained with Karen, he still would have ended up hitting some fat ass. Aw, shucks. Well, no trying to deny fate. He hit that fat ass. And he hit it hard. After countless hours of hot, passionate, ass-spanking sex, Jim looked into the eyes of his lover.
"I love you Jim" came the voice from underneath him.
"I love you too, Stanley," Jim said.