Dear Jennifer,

I'm writing this letter as both an apology and explanation

I never thought I would be such a cliché

"Sorry for what I did when I was drunk"

It feels absurd, but here we are

I'm sorry about what happened between you and Will

I'm sorrier about my actions afterwards

It was meant to be a way to forget

The team wanting to escape the horror of our everyday

And also try to lessen your pain caused by your breakup

I only meant to go to the bathroom

I blame the bar

I'm sure their hallways were too narrow for proper bathroom navigation

But I haven't found anything regulatory regarding this

I should have just squeezed on past you and kept on walking

But I didn't

And you were crying alone and I was feeling awkward but when you looked up at me…

Did you know that "butterflies" are actually a real thing,

It's actually adrenaline brought on by stress

So I guess I can blame the adrenaline as well

I kissed you and then I ran

I haven't been to work since that night

I've ignored every call I've received, including the ones from you

I've racked my brain trying to come up with a possible solution

I guess what I'm really trying to say in my apology note is that

I'm not really all that sorry

What I'm trying to say JJ, is that I've always had that stressed-induced adrenaline

From the moment I met you to right now just thinking about you

You've always gotten to me in that way

And now I hold myself accountable for not telling you

And wonder if it was really out of intelligence or ignorance

I was worried about us being on the same team

I was worried about how out of my league you truly are

I was worried about my mother's genetic legacy

And how I didn't want to put anyone through that happening to me

I was worried

So I pushed my feelings away, because that is what I do

And I suffered in silence.

I was happy for you, every step of the way, JJ.

When you found Will, when you had Henry, when you were married

Because even thought I was miserable

I knew you were happy

And your happiness means the world to me

So I tried to ignore the fluttering in my gut

That still happened even if I just caught a glance of you

I guess alcohol and sadness were the key to my undoing.

I don't even know if you kissed me back

I was so wrapped up in the moment

First time in my life my mind wasn't going a mile a minute

For the first time in my life I felt nothing but bliss and being in the moment

With my lips pressed against yours

I'm an atheist but I know what heaven feels like, every time I think of you.

I just needed to get this out and tell you how I feel

First and foremost, I don't want to lose your friendship

But for the first time in my life, I had to take a chance

No matter how you feel towards me

I can return to being friends and be alright

But I could never feel at peace with myself without telling you how you make me feel.

Reid