TITLE: Idiots guide to having a good Thanksgiving.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own these people, but they are sure fun to play with.
NOTES: I was extremely bored and needed something to do. I know it's no
longer Thanksgiving, but I've always been a bit slow at things.
SPOLIERS: Well, not really. Season two mostly.
PAIRING: A little CJ/Toby. Who else did you expect?
FEEDBACK: I crave it. Which sometimes isn't a good thing.
ON WITH THE STORY!
"Did you get it?" CJ yelled from the kitchen when she heard the door open.
"I got wounded!" Toby yelled while he walked into the kitchen and dropped the turkey on top of the counter.
"How?" CJ smirked.
"That was the last fresh turkey they had, and some old woman with a purse full of what felt like bricks was there. Mind you she got there after me, and starting smacking me with the damn purse when I told her I wasn't going to give her the turkey. She hit me while I took the turkey to the cash register, she continued to smack me while I paid the girl, she still smacked me when I walked back to the car, which was parked a good twelve miles away, and when I got into the car and she couldn't hit me any longer, she hit my car. I now have several dents that I'm never going to get out. Happy Thanksgiving to me!" Toby said all in one breath and then leaned against the counter. "I need a drink."
"Living room," CJ motioned to where the drinks were. "Save some for the company."
"I am the company," Toby walked over and made a scotch.
"Josh and Sam are coming later today. They wanted me to page them when the turkey was almost done," CJ looked around at everything laid out on the counter. "I have the turkey, potatoes, rolls, yams, stuffing, eight pies," She glared at Toby when she saw the grin that popped up when she mentioned the pies. "gravy, corn, and salad."
"CJ, it's almost noon. Put the turkey on," Toby mentioned as he turned the game on.
"Toby," CJ walked out after several minutes.
"I'm not lifting the turkey."
"That's not what I wanted," CJ said reluctantly.
"What is it?" Toby turned around.
"You don't, by chance, know how to cook any of this do you?" CJ asked.
"CJ, I bought you the idiots guide to cooking your first Thanksgiving feast."
"Well, it was still too detailed," CJ snapped.
"I don't know how to cook anything. That's why I brought everything over here."
"Toby," CJ whined. "You were the one who watched Julia Child."
"I was six!"
"Get your ass in here and help me!" CJ yelled.
"Damn!" Toby smacked the couch and got up. He quickly hustled in the kitchen and looked around. "What's all this?"
"The food," CJ mentioned.
"We're not feeding an army. Look, first thing first. Get ride of all the extras."
"I can't, everyone requested something. Sam wanted the yams, Josh wanted the salad, and everything else goes with Thanksgiving."
"Okay, fine." Toby walked over to the turkey. "Do you have a turkey cooker thing?"
"A what?"
"Something you put the turkey in to cook it!" Toby snapped.
"Quit snapping at me, that guide couldn't possibly help anyone with half a brain," CJ yelled while getting the pan and slamming it on the counter. "Here's the turkey cooker thing."
"Okay," Toby took a knife out of the drawer, which caused CJ to step back.
"Now this is scary," CJ smirked.
"I'm now cutting the wrapping off of the turkey," Toby said.
"Why are you telling me that?"
"Because if I mess up I can blame you for not stopping me before I did it!" Toby answered while cutting the wrapping off. "It's all bloody."
"Put it in the sink."
"Gross."
"I cleaned it," CJ glared.
"Fine," Toby picked up the turkey and placed it in the sink. "Now come here."
"Why?"
"I need you to reach in and take out its neck."
"No way," CJ backed off.
"CJ! This was your idea. No one wants to eat the neck or the heart, or whatever is left in the damn thing. Just take anything you feel loose in there out."
"This is sick," CJ put her hand in and took out the neck. "Where do I put it?"
"I couldn't care less," Toby glared. CJ felt around more. "I think I got everything."
"You better have," Toby stepped back in front of the sink when CJ backed off. "Okay, now turn on the oven."
"To what?"
"Read the directions on the label," Toby mentioned.
"You cut the label."
"CJ!"
"Okay," CJ looked for the directions. "Pre-heat oven to 325 for five in a half hours."
"Five hours," Toby rolled his eyes. "Get the oven ready."
"Okay," CJ raced over and turned it on. "Done."
"Okay, bring the turkey cooker thing over here."
"Okay," CJ brought it over and placed it down next to the sink.
Toby lifted the turkey up and placed it on the pan. "This thing is heavy."
"It's twenty pounds," CJ smiled with enjoyment.
"I'll be eating turkey for the rest of my life. You know, last year we ordered pizza."
"This is our new tradition. Besides, the way Josh and Sam eat, this thing will be gone by tonight."
"True," Toby nodded as he rubbed butter on the turkey.
"You're so sexy when you're cooking," CJ flirted.
"Shut up," Toby moaned. "Okay, open the oven. It's going in."
"Wait, I think we're missing something," CJ mentioned.
"What?" Toby looked at the turkey.
"Stuffing," They both said together as CJ walked over. "I bought stove top."
"I'm putting the turkey in," Toby moaned.
"I thought we put the stuffing in the turkey."
"It's stove top. Which means we can cook it on a stove top."
"Smart ass!" CJ smacked him.
"If I drop this turkey, I'm leaving."
"Here," CJ opened the oven and Toby placed the turkey in and shut the oven door. "Now, we wait ten hours."
"Five in a half," Toby glared. "I'm watching the rest of the game."
"What about the rest of the stuff."
"Cook it in four hours," Toby shrugged.
"So I'm done?" CJ smiled.
"Yeah, even though I did everything."
"Don't start!"
"Hello!" Josh and Sam walked in. Charlie and Donna followed.
"In here," Toby smiled sarcastically at CJ and walked back to the living room to watch the game.
"Yeah," Josh smiled. "I don't smell the turkey."
"We just put it in," CJ glared. "I thought you guys wanted me to call you when the turkey was almost done?"
"My television broke," Sam moaned as he sat next to Toby.
"Any beer?" Josh asked.
"The fridge," CJ pointed.
"Get me one!" Sam yelled.
"Yeah."
"Need any help?" Donna walked in and looked at the mess. She noticed the blood on the ground and looked over at CJ. "Did Toby piss you off?"
"It's from the turkey. Toby was swinging it around like a mad man."
"Liar!" Toby snapped.
"Here," Josh handed Sam a beer and sat down. "Tis the season to get drunk, watch football, and eat until you explode."
"Amen," Sam nodded and raised his beer to salute.
"Who's winning?" Charlie joined them after he got his beer.
"I'm not sure, Claudia, Queen of the damned, would let me watch it until now."
"You better look at your food carefully before you eat it Ziegler." CJ glared.
FOUR HOURS LATER
"That was a good game," Josh stood up and saluted the television. "Football should be a profession sport," He slurred.
"It is," Toby looked at Josh confused.
"Okay," Josh fell back down on the couch.
"I have four hands," Sam mentioned while moving his hands around. "Is that normal Josh?" Sam looked over at Toby.
"Sure is," Toby shook his head and stood up. "Keep an eye on those two and make sure they don't break anything," He asked Charlie.
"Yeah," Charlie smirked as Josh and Sam attempted to stand and walk, but winded up smashing into each other and falling down again.
"Smells good in here," Toby walked into the kitchen and greeted Donna and CJ.
"Thank you," Donna smiled. "CJ's doing all the work."
"Really?" Toby seemed shocked.
"Don't make me start on you," CJ glared.
"Toby!" Josh walked in and looked around. "Toby!"
"What?" Toby snapped, which startled Josh.
"You scared me," Josh leaned against Toby and put his arm around him. "Sam and I.I and Sam.Umm.We're going to go out and play touchdown."
"What the hell is touchdown?" Donna questioned.
"The game we just watched on the TV," Josh rolled his eyes and stumbled out. "Sam?"
"Huh?" Sam lifted his head up.
"We play the game now," Josh motioned for him to follow.
"Okay," Sam lifted himself up. "Why is the room spinning?"
"I'm not sure," Josh shrugged. "Lets go be men."
"Okay," Sam nodded. They turned around in circles a few times. "Josh?"
"Yep?"
"How do you get outside?"
"Donna!" Josh bellowed.
"I think they need someone to open the door for them," Toby smirked.
"Kill me now," Donna moaned. "Come on boys."
"You got them drunk, didn't you?" CJ smacked Toby across the chest.
"I have no idea what you're talking about," Toby smirked.
TWO HOURS LATER
"Dinner!" CJ called out to Josh, Sam, and Donna. The coldness outside seemed to calm Josh and Sam down a little, but each had a massive headache.
"Never let me drink again," Josh moaned as he sat at the table.
"I second that," Sam moaned.
"You two always say that after you get drunk, then you turn around and do it again," Donna snapped. "I'm freezing."
"Well, Sam passed out. I couldn't just leave him out there," Josh glared.
"Turkey is served," Toby carried the turkey towards the table and placed it down in the middle.
"Damn," Sam and Josh opened their eyes. "That looks good."
"I want to tell everyone that if they like the turkey, I made it. If it sucks, CJ's the one that prepared it."
"Thanks," CJ glared as Toby sat in the chair next to her.
"Well, I want to be the first one to thank you guys for inviting me," Charlie sat down next to Josh.
"You're always welcome," CJ smiled. "Now, there's a lot of food here. Sam, your yams are over there. And Josh, the salad is over there. And Toby, you're pies are cooking."
"Thank you," Josh and Sam mumbled while eating their selected favorites.
"Thank you," Toby gave CJ and quick kiss on the cheek and started cutting the turkey.
"Happy Thanksgiving everyone," Donna smiled.
"Happy Thanksgiving." Everyone said in unison.
The End.
ON WITH THE STORY!
"Did you get it?" CJ yelled from the kitchen when she heard the door open.
"I got wounded!" Toby yelled while he walked into the kitchen and dropped the turkey on top of the counter.
"How?" CJ smirked.
"That was the last fresh turkey they had, and some old woman with a purse full of what felt like bricks was there. Mind you she got there after me, and starting smacking me with the damn purse when I told her I wasn't going to give her the turkey. She hit me while I took the turkey to the cash register, she continued to smack me while I paid the girl, she still smacked me when I walked back to the car, which was parked a good twelve miles away, and when I got into the car and she couldn't hit me any longer, she hit my car. I now have several dents that I'm never going to get out. Happy Thanksgiving to me!" Toby said all in one breath and then leaned against the counter. "I need a drink."
"Living room," CJ motioned to where the drinks were. "Save some for the company."
"I am the company," Toby walked over and made a scotch.
"Josh and Sam are coming later today. They wanted me to page them when the turkey was almost done," CJ looked around at everything laid out on the counter. "I have the turkey, potatoes, rolls, yams, stuffing, eight pies," She glared at Toby when she saw the grin that popped up when she mentioned the pies. "gravy, corn, and salad."
"CJ, it's almost noon. Put the turkey on," Toby mentioned as he turned the game on.
"Toby," CJ walked out after several minutes.
"I'm not lifting the turkey."
"That's not what I wanted," CJ said reluctantly.
"What is it?" Toby turned around.
"You don't, by chance, know how to cook any of this do you?" CJ asked.
"CJ, I bought you the idiots guide to cooking your first Thanksgiving feast."
"Well, it was still too detailed," CJ snapped.
"I don't know how to cook anything. That's why I brought everything over here."
"Toby," CJ whined. "You were the one who watched Julia Child."
"I was six!"
"Get your ass in here and help me!" CJ yelled.
"Damn!" Toby smacked the couch and got up. He quickly hustled in the kitchen and looked around. "What's all this?"
"The food," CJ mentioned.
"We're not feeding an army. Look, first thing first. Get ride of all the extras."
"I can't, everyone requested something. Sam wanted the yams, Josh wanted the salad, and everything else goes with Thanksgiving."
"Okay, fine." Toby walked over to the turkey. "Do you have a turkey cooker thing?"
"A what?"
"Something you put the turkey in to cook it!" Toby snapped.
"Quit snapping at me, that guide couldn't possibly help anyone with half a brain," CJ yelled while getting the pan and slamming it on the counter. "Here's the turkey cooker thing."
"Okay," Toby took a knife out of the drawer, which caused CJ to step back.
"Now this is scary," CJ smirked.
"I'm now cutting the wrapping off of the turkey," Toby said.
"Why are you telling me that?"
"Because if I mess up I can blame you for not stopping me before I did it!" Toby answered while cutting the wrapping off. "It's all bloody."
"Put it in the sink."
"Gross."
"I cleaned it," CJ glared.
"Fine," Toby picked up the turkey and placed it in the sink. "Now come here."
"Why?"
"I need you to reach in and take out its neck."
"No way," CJ backed off.
"CJ! This was your idea. No one wants to eat the neck or the heart, or whatever is left in the damn thing. Just take anything you feel loose in there out."
"This is sick," CJ put her hand in and took out the neck. "Where do I put it?"
"I couldn't care less," Toby glared. CJ felt around more. "I think I got everything."
"You better have," Toby stepped back in front of the sink when CJ backed off. "Okay, now turn on the oven."
"To what?"
"Read the directions on the label," Toby mentioned.
"You cut the label."
"CJ!"
"Okay," CJ looked for the directions. "Pre-heat oven to 325 for five in a half hours."
"Five hours," Toby rolled his eyes. "Get the oven ready."
"Okay," CJ raced over and turned it on. "Done."
"Okay, bring the turkey cooker thing over here."
"Okay," CJ brought it over and placed it down next to the sink.
Toby lifted the turkey up and placed it on the pan. "This thing is heavy."
"It's twenty pounds," CJ smiled with enjoyment.
"I'll be eating turkey for the rest of my life. You know, last year we ordered pizza."
"This is our new tradition. Besides, the way Josh and Sam eat, this thing will be gone by tonight."
"True," Toby nodded as he rubbed butter on the turkey.
"You're so sexy when you're cooking," CJ flirted.
"Shut up," Toby moaned. "Okay, open the oven. It's going in."
"Wait, I think we're missing something," CJ mentioned.
"What?" Toby looked at the turkey.
"Stuffing," They both said together as CJ walked over. "I bought stove top."
"I'm putting the turkey in," Toby moaned.
"I thought we put the stuffing in the turkey."
"It's stove top. Which means we can cook it on a stove top."
"Smart ass!" CJ smacked him.
"If I drop this turkey, I'm leaving."
"Here," CJ opened the oven and Toby placed the turkey in and shut the oven door. "Now, we wait ten hours."
"Five in a half," Toby glared. "I'm watching the rest of the game."
"What about the rest of the stuff."
"Cook it in four hours," Toby shrugged.
"So I'm done?" CJ smiled.
"Yeah, even though I did everything."
"Don't start!"
"Hello!" Josh and Sam walked in. Charlie and Donna followed.
"In here," Toby smiled sarcastically at CJ and walked back to the living room to watch the game.
"Yeah," Josh smiled. "I don't smell the turkey."
"We just put it in," CJ glared. "I thought you guys wanted me to call you when the turkey was almost done?"
"My television broke," Sam moaned as he sat next to Toby.
"Any beer?" Josh asked.
"The fridge," CJ pointed.
"Get me one!" Sam yelled.
"Yeah."
"Need any help?" Donna walked in and looked at the mess. She noticed the blood on the ground and looked over at CJ. "Did Toby piss you off?"
"It's from the turkey. Toby was swinging it around like a mad man."
"Liar!" Toby snapped.
"Here," Josh handed Sam a beer and sat down. "Tis the season to get drunk, watch football, and eat until you explode."
"Amen," Sam nodded and raised his beer to salute.
"Who's winning?" Charlie joined them after he got his beer.
"I'm not sure, Claudia, Queen of the damned, would let me watch it until now."
"You better look at your food carefully before you eat it Ziegler." CJ glared.
FOUR HOURS LATER
"That was a good game," Josh stood up and saluted the television. "Football should be a profession sport," He slurred.
"It is," Toby looked at Josh confused.
"Okay," Josh fell back down on the couch.
"I have four hands," Sam mentioned while moving his hands around. "Is that normal Josh?" Sam looked over at Toby.
"Sure is," Toby shook his head and stood up. "Keep an eye on those two and make sure they don't break anything," He asked Charlie.
"Yeah," Charlie smirked as Josh and Sam attempted to stand and walk, but winded up smashing into each other and falling down again.
"Smells good in here," Toby walked into the kitchen and greeted Donna and CJ.
"Thank you," Donna smiled. "CJ's doing all the work."
"Really?" Toby seemed shocked.
"Don't make me start on you," CJ glared.
"Toby!" Josh walked in and looked around. "Toby!"
"What?" Toby snapped, which startled Josh.
"You scared me," Josh leaned against Toby and put his arm around him. "Sam and I.I and Sam.Umm.We're going to go out and play touchdown."
"What the hell is touchdown?" Donna questioned.
"The game we just watched on the TV," Josh rolled his eyes and stumbled out. "Sam?"
"Huh?" Sam lifted his head up.
"We play the game now," Josh motioned for him to follow.
"Okay," Sam lifted himself up. "Why is the room spinning?"
"I'm not sure," Josh shrugged. "Lets go be men."
"Okay," Sam nodded. They turned around in circles a few times. "Josh?"
"Yep?"
"How do you get outside?"
"Donna!" Josh bellowed.
"I think they need someone to open the door for them," Toby smirked.
"Kill me now," Donna moaned. "Come on boys."
"You got them drunk, didn't you?" CJ smacked Toby across the chest.
"I have no idea what you're talking about," Toby smirked.
TWO HOURS LATER
"Dinner!" CJ called out to Josh, Sam, and Donna. The coldness outside seemed to calm Josh and Sam down a little, but each had a massive headache.
"Never let me drink again," Josh moaned as he sat at the table.
"I second that," Sam moaned.
"You two always say that after you get drunk, then you turn around and do it again," Donna snapped. "I'm freezing."
"Well, Sam passed out. I couldn't just leave him out there," Josh glared.
"Turkey is served," Toby carried the turkey towards the table and placed it down in the middle.
"Damn," Sam and Josh opened their eyes. "That looks good."
"I want to tell everyone that if they like the turkey, I made it. If it sucks, CJ's the one that prepared it."
"Thanks," CJ glared as Toby sat in the chair next to her.
"Well, I want to be the first one to thank you guys for inviting me," Charlie sat down next to Josh.
"You're always welcome," CJ smiled. "Now, there's a lot of food here. Sam, your yams are over there. And Josh, the salad is over there. And Toby, you're pies are cooking."
"Thank you," Josh and Sam mumbled while eating their selected favorites.
"Thank you," Toby gave CJ and quick kiss on the cheek and started cutting the turkey.
"Happy Thanksgiving everyone," Donna smiled.
"Happy Thanksgiving." Everyone said in unison.
The End.