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THE NAMES ARE NOT OURS!!!
Warning: extended exposure can cause temporary blindness, seizures and may lead to heart failure. Reader discretion is advised.
The Kingdom Hearts Diaries
Episode 1: Randomness
Chapter 1: Complete and Utter Stupidity
"Ouch! That's my foot you idiot!" screeched Kairi. She and her "friends" Riku and Sora were at that moment trapped inside of a cramped and very dark soda machine in an abandoned gas station. She winced in pain as Riku stepped on her foot.
"Oh, sorry I was aiming for your other foot." said Riku as he stumbled through the darkness. Sora, who was searching for an exit, slid his hands all over the grimy floor for any sign of a button or switch. (Soda machines nowadays have switches in them just in case someone gets stuck in one… just kidding…) "Hey guys, if it helps you out, I found a dollar on the floor." said Sora. "But if not, this is going straight into my Rehab fund!" Kairi on the other hand was a tad bit more successful. "Aha! There's the soda drop door! Fork it over you stooge!" said Kairi as she snatched the dollar out of his hands and stuck her arm out of the door in the wall. "Almost got it!" said Kairi. She reached out as far as she could and inserted the dollar into the machine's front bill slot. She pressed a random button on the front and there was a click. With a crash all three of them fell out of the soda machine. "Whew! That's the last time we hitchhike inside of a Pepsi supply truck." said Riku massaging his head. "How did we get into this mess anyway?" said Kairi thoughtfully as she dusted herself off. "Don't you remember?" said Sora with a frown. Kairi glared at him and said "Well maybe I would if you hadn't mistaken my Laptop for firewood! I had everything about us on there! Even my online copy of your Diary!!!" Sora ignored her and said cheerfully "Well, let's just start it over again!" Kairi looked disgusted at the very thought. "Oh, God! Don't make me have to relive these last two horrifying years!" Riku laughed. "Too late! The flashback is starting! And this one is going to be long!" Kairi started to shiver uncontrollably. "No! Not again!" And the world faded away.
"What do you mean we're fired?!" asked Kairi. Sora, Riku, and Kairi were in a heated discussion with Tetsuya Nomura, Kingdom Hearts and some Final Fantasy characters designer in the middle of the sunny Destiny Islands branch of Square Enix. "You heard me!" he said, "You're fired! You guys take up too much in the ways of assets." He began pacing madly in circles around the room. Sora Riku and Kairi had looks of complete disgust and outrage on their faces. "But it's not fair! We've been doing nothing but slaving for you!" said Riku. "And while I'm on that subject, do you even pay your employees?" He was clearly miffed. "Yeah! We haven't even been paid!" said Sora. "And don't forget our living conditions." said Riku. "We've been living off the free Donut Bar in the staff lounge!" he exclaimed. "Yeah! We haven't had anything to drink besides the air conditioner runoff for the past three months." said Sora. Tetsuya stopped pacing for a moment. "I thought I replaced the water fountain ages ago." said Tetsuya, thinking deeply. "No wait, that was the other air conditioner twenty five years ago. But I'm getting off subject; the point is you're all taking up too many assets! So, we're just going to replace you with CGI characters. At least they don't whine when they lose body parts in our action scenes." He started to pace about the room again. "So you're just going to let us go?" said Riku. "That's right! You're leaving! Go!" said Tetsuya. Blank horror dawned on Riku and Sora's faces as Kairi glared at Tetsuya. She shuddered with anger and pointless rage as she said "We're not going anywhere." Tetsuya looked up at her with dim interest. "Really? Well that's too bad." He said. "I'll just call security." A strange and powerful black aura blossomed at the feet of Kairi and wove its way up around her. "What? What are you doing?" said Tetsuya, eyes widening in fear. Cracks suddenly appeared in the floor underneath him, and the lights started to flicker on and off. Books flew off of the bookshelves, and papers began to fly around the room as a sudden wind came from nowhere. "Get ready for a ride you'll never forget!" shouted Kairi. A gaping hole opened directly beneath him and Tetsuya fell screaming for his life, and the floor sealed itself exactly where he had just been standing. Immediately the chaos stopped dead in its tracks. "Whoa…" said Sora. "That is so… creepy." Riku walked over to where the hole had opened in the spotless floor. "Incredible… I've never known Kairi to lose it like that." said Riku. "Since when can she do that?" said Sora." "Don't you remember?" said Riku. "I remember it like it was yesterday." flashback scene: Kairi and Sora walking on set. Kairi: Sora, where are we going? Sora: Um… you're breaking up! You're going through a tunnel! Kairi: Yeah…Okaaaaaay... moving on… Sora: Here we are! Kairi: Wow! A News interview? Awesome! I'm going to get my close up! Cameraman: Yes you are Kairi! But in order for the camera to get you're entire face, you will have to move a little to the left. Kairi: This good? Cameraman: Just a little more! Kairi: In the middle of this ritualistic demon possession circle? Cameraman: Perfect… end of flashback "And with that, I have unfinished business to take care of." Kairi said as she pulled out a .57 caliber pistol and used her darkness to open another hole in the shiny office floor. She jumped inside and was gone. "Well, we can't just sit here! Let's go raid the Donut Bar!" said Sora. Riku perked up at this. "Yeah! Now you're talking! But better yet, forget the donuts! Let's rob the Company Safe! Come my young partner in crime!" They cheerfully walked out the door and into the deserted lounge. After forty-seven minutes of stealing everything in sight, they walked back to Tetsuya's office to see what became of Kairi. They found something strange.
A black cloaked figure was walking out of a dark fiery portal, dragging Kairi behind him. He looked at Sora and Riku and said, "She's your problem now!" He threw Kairi against a wall and jumped back into another portal. "Prick face!" screamed Kairi; she threw a grenade into the portal right before it closed. There was a muffled bang in the distance and the tiniest puff of smoke from where the portal was seconds before. "Who?! What?! Where were you?" asked Riku. Kairi dusted herself off. "Oh I just went down to finish some business with Tetsuya." said Kairi as she blew out the smoke from her gun. "If you know what I mean." Sora looked mystified as he looked at her. "What happened down there?" said Sora." She thought about how to say it in terms he understood. "There was a rather unfriendly welcoming party, but I took them out in no time at all." She laughed to herself. "Oh, and apparently you're only allowed to be there if you're dead. They were about to let Tetsuya out after some torture, but I made it so he could stay." Kairi smirked. "He won't be going anywhere."
About forty minutes passed before sheer boredom set in. (Since Tetsuya had all of the staff ground into hamburger meat, there was no one to talk to. Just kidding, he actually called Sora and company on their day off.) "Well, what now?" said Sora. Kairi looked around the office one last time before walking back into the lobby of the studio. "Well, we should go back to the Square Enix Company head quarters. It would set our path straight and possibly get our jobs back." Sora shrugged. "Anything's better than this dump. Let's go." And before the trio left the studio, Kairi set off a demolition grade bomb that obliterated the Destiny Islands studio. Then they left, completely unaware that their simple trip would take much, much longer than they planned. And adding to that, someone was spying on them, someone with unknown intentions.