Disclaimer- I don't own, but I wish I did.
WARNING- Self hatred, Self harm, suicidal thoughts and actions, PTSD, and language. If you are triggered by any of these things, this is not for you.
Honestly, this is just a lot of Tony angst. Rhodey is a great friend. Set before Infinity War, after Civil War.
It was so small. So insignificant. It shouldn't have even affected him, but it did. Tony wanted to scream. The emotions that he had been bottling up for years seemed to want to finally come out. Tony looked at the ruined inventions scattered around him.
He had been working on an invention for SHIELD. Normally, it would've been easy. Too easy. Just a simple security measure. He just could not get it to work for the life of him. He picked up the metal, it was just a piece of junk now. "Why I can't I just do one thing right?" He asked himself. He threw the invention away from him. It hit the far wall with a clang. A spark of satisfaction flew through his body. But, in a split second it was gone, replaced with shame coursing through him. It was his fault. Steve had left, taking Clint and Natasha with him. If felt as if he'd taken a piece of Tony with him, too. If Tony had just kept a cool head. If he would have just sat down and thought about things before he jumped in. The government wasn't going to fix anything. He was just a drunk loser, just like his father.
How he hated the man. They say you become your parents, and he did. He obviously didn't care enough to keep Bruce and Thor from leaving. He understood that Thor had otherworldly responsibilities. But, Bruce? The only man other than Pepper that could get him to think about things logically. God, Pepper. She didn't deserve him. Apparently, she didn't think so either. She had left like everyone else. He had thought Pepper was different. He thought that she would stay with him through everything. She'd left screaming about how he was always taking chances that didn't need to be taken and how she couldn't deal with it. But, here he was in a workshop alone.
She had just come down and said she had had enough. She had said that they were going on a break. Tony, despite being a moron on a lot of things, knew that it was over. Damn, even JARVIS, who he had thought would live until the end of the world, had died. There was still Vision, but he and Wanda had left to go on a romantic vacation.
Tony walked over to the desk that he had been avoiding for so long. It was Bruce's desk when he was here. He pulled open a drawer and pulled out the scalpel and a cleaning wipe. He wiped off the blade and pulled up his sleeves. He hadn't cut since before college. He had thought about it. Many times, but he hadn't. The old scars had faded, but if you looked extremely closely, you could see a faint outline of where they used to be. It was a miracle that the press never picked up on it. He hovered over the skin, thinking. Was it worth it? What if someone found out? He deserved it though. He was a toxic person. He drove everyone away from him. He had killed people. Good people. People like Yensin and the so many innocent people who had been killed with his weapons.
Merchant of Death. The name floated back to him. He was just a killer. He failed everyone. His father, Bruce, Steve, JARVIS and so many others. He deserved this. He pushed the blade into his forearm. It was beautiful. The blood beaded up from the cut. He felt alive for the first time in a long time. He realized that he had really never stopped. He had just stopped needing it so much. But now he needed it. He pulled the blade back and made another cut. It hurt, but in a good way. He was sick. He just didn't care. He watched in fascination as he cut again and again, the blood beading up, collecting together, then falling to the ground. He faintly heard FRIDAY's voice above him. He didn't fucking care anymore. He made another cut, deeper this time. The rush of adrenaline. It just felt right. He did it again and again and again. There was no more room on his left arm. He moved to his right. The blade was a bit less controlled, now. Whether that was from blood loss or just not being in his dominant hand, he didn't know. He kept cutting. Over and over again. He started to feel a bit sleepy. Why didn't he just end it now? He could. He was close.
Just then Rhodey burst in. "Tony, what the fuck?" He said softly, despite the situation. Tony barely acknowledged him. Rhodey pulled the knife from his hands, ignoring the blood. "Tony, stop. You're going to kill yourself," He said as he discarded the scalpel. He pulled off his own shirt and hoodie and began to press on Tony's forearms. Tony looked down. He didn't really care what happened now. Everyone had left. Except Rhodey, but he would have been fine without Tony, right? He was just a killer. A failure.
With these thoughts, he tried to move away from Rhodey. The man tried to pull his arms away from his only friend left. "Tony, stop. Let me help you," Rhodey was crying now. Tony used his shoulder and wiped his own face. He was crying too, though he didn't remember when he had started.
"FRIDAY, bring medical supplies. I need bandages and antiseptic. Hurry," He kept pressing down on Tony's forearms. Why was Rhodey doing this? He didn't deserve it. Wouldn't it just be better if he were dead? Surely, it would be. Less people would die, less people would have to be punished for his failures. Time must have passed, but it felt as if everything had stopped. DUM-E rolled over to Rodey with a first aid kit he had found under the sink.
Rhodey let go of his arms. Tony thought he never would. The shirtless man grabbed the antiseptic liquid and poured it on Tony's destroyed arms. It hurt like a son of a bitch, but he deserved it. His arms were now destroyed just like the lives of the people he had killed and hurt. He deserved the reminder. He deserved it all. Rhodey was now threading a needle. His mouth was moving, but Tony couldn't understand. He wanted to sleep. He wished he could sleep forever. Never wake up.
There was a needle piercing his arm, sewing up the damage he had created. He looked at it deftly. Why? Why did Rhodey care so much? DUM-E was mopping up the blood that had spilled on the floor. He had taken Rhodey's hoodie and shirt somewhere. Tony didn't really care. Just to get his mind of what was happening at the moment. "There, done," Rhodey said a bit stiffly.
"Now, would you care to explain why you did that?" Rhodey said softly. He looked into Tony's eyes imploringly. "I don't believe that you were trying to kill yourself. Not initially at least. So, please, tell me why you sliced up your arms with a scalpel?" He could have said more delicately, but Tony didn't need people treating him as if he were made of glass. He never did. Not after his parents died, not after his family butler Jarvis died, not after Afghanistan. He needed people to say what they wanted to say in times like these. Tony couldn't bring himself to answer. He just couldn't get the words out. He wanted to scream. He wanted to do anything other than look here at Rhodey's imploring eyes.
"Tony, talk to me, please. I can't help if I don't know why you did this," Tony just couldn't. He just looked at his best friend, sadness in his eyes. "You're my best friend Tones. You helped me get through so many hard times. I spent three months looking for you when you were kidnapped. I didn't stop for a moment. You need to understand that I care about you. I need you to please talk to me," A tear was making is way down his face. It looked as if he had just gained twenty years.
"I'm sorry," Tony finally said. He said it so softly, it could have been mistaken for the moving of Rhodey's braces, but he caught it.
"What the hell are you sorry for? I was the one that didn't notice that you were so depressed. I was the one that wasn't here after all that shit went down. I was that didn't even make the time to come around to see my best friend every few days. I did so many things, but that's in the past now and we can't fix it," Rhodey got down on the newly cleaned floor with Tony.
Tony gestured to the braces, hoping to convey that it was his fault that he had paralysed his friend and he expect him to come around. Honestly, Tony was surprised that after Rhodey was able to walk again, the man didn't cut him off completely. He had expected it. He also understood, because Rhodey had responsibilities to the Government. He was supposed to help find the rogue avengers.
"You need sleep, we're going to bed. Now. We'll finish this talk tomorrow. You're not getting out of it," Rhodey said in the way of a response. Tony moved to stand up from the hard floor. He got halfway up and his vision went black. He pitched sideways. And caught his left arm on the broken machine that had started this whole mess. All he felt was pain. It engulfed him. He curled up on the ground, clutching his arm. It seemed that he was just processing what he had done. He had stopped, it took him a hell of a long time to kick the habit, too. Then he just went running back to it when times got tough.
"Tones, Tony! You're okay. You're gonna be fine," He felt himself uncurl slightly. Rhodey pulled him into a tight hug. It hurt, but it was okay. He needed it, and Tony would be damned if he didn't give his best friend what he wanted. "C'mon, we're going to bed. I should've taken you to a hospital, damn whatever FRIDAY says," Tony briefly wondered what he meant by the last sentence, but he was too tired to care. Tony felt himself being pulled against a bare torso and tried to stand.
Tony slowly made his way to the elevator, Rhodey holding tightly onto his shoulders to keep him steady. Finally, they made it up the stairs and Tony collapsed onto the bed that he rarely used. Rhodey moved to leave, so Tony grabbed his arm. "I'm not gonna leave. I'm just gonna get a few more pillows and blankets."
Tony let go and weakly moved over to the side of the bed. He looked down at his arms, the previously white bandages were now spotted with red, especially the left one. He would need to do something about that. But he was just so tired. Did it really matter all that much? He looked up as Rhodey reentered the room with an armful of blankets.
The man had evidently found a shirt somewhere. It was Tony's AC/DC shirt. He had also changed into a pair of Tony's sweatpants. It was a bit odd seeing Rhodey wearing his stuff again. They used to take each others stuff all the time when they were at MIT.
Rhodey dropped the bedding on the floor and moved over to Tony. "Let me see that," He said, not unkindly. Rhodey reached out and grabbed Tony's arm. He looked at the red dotting the sterile white bandages with a slight frown. Tony stared at it too. Rhodey moved into the large bathroom. He came back with more bandages.
"I need to take these off and see if you broke any of the stiches," The man started unraveling the bandages and looked closely at his damaged arms. He felt a bit sick. It was his fault that he now was being babysitted by his best friend. It was his fault that Rhodey had to worry about him.
Rhodey seemed satisfied and began rewrapping his arm. Wordlessly, Rhodey put the bandages away and moved to the spot on the floor. Tony moved on his side, facing away from him. He closed his eyes and fell asleep.
Tony woke up sweating. The nightmare was still replaying. They were all gone. Everyone of them. He looked around and saw his arms, wrapped up to his elbows. The events of the previous day came rushing back to him. Oh God. He was screwed. Royally screwed. He fucked up. What was he going to do? He had tried everything to keep his scars a secret when he was at MIT with Rhodey. He hadn't even told Rhodey why he had done it. Why was Rhodey still here after all these years? Tony had done nothing to deserve him.
Tony looked over at mound of pillows and blankets where Rhodey had slept. They were empty. He must've had enough of Tony. He left. Just like everyone else in his life.
Pepper couldn't deal with the stress of Tony being a superhero. Bruce was somewhere unknown. Steve was as good as dead to Tony. Natasha and the rest of their team were off with Steve somewhere. Vision was off with Wanda. Everyone else was dead. He was alone. Truly alone.
Thanks for reading. I intend to have another chapter. Please Review, I'm not sure I should continue this to be honest. Let me know what you think!