Boxed In
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters.
A/N: This is set during Hurricane, after Doug has parted ways with Tamara and Pacey. Told from Doug's POV
I sit at the end of the dock thinking. It was said once to me that thinking is Capeside's favourite pastime, which is actually kind of sad considering all the things we could be doing. We waste most of our lives here wishing we were somewhere else. If I had it my way, I would be in the FBI, or in New York doing something, but I am stuck here. I guess part of it is my own fault. I wanted to make my dad happy, so I didn't get my bachelor's degree like I could have, which disqualifies me for the FBI. I guess it is my own fault. Pipe dreams, that what they are, no one can have their dreams come true, except maybe people like Pacey, who is somehow going to skate through life doing what ever the hell he pleases.
I feel angry at myself though, I shouldn't have drawn my gun on him. It wasn't fair. I always told myself that even though I was doing what Dad told me, too, trying to be the good son, and do what was expected for the good of the family, that I would never let myself have Dad's anger. I guess I was wrong. He was just being a kid, I think he has a crush on his teacher, thinks he has dibs on her or something. Poor kid. Well at least, because of what he told Tamara I might not have a chance with her, so at least my luck is as good as mine right now. It wasn't as if she wasn't seeing anyone anyway, he should have seen that one.
I hear footsteps behind me, but keep staring at the blue water in front of me. Someone sits down besides me. "So, how is it going?" My dad keeps his eyes trained on the water, intensely. I wonder if he has been drinking again.
I shrug, "Did you want something?" I make sure my voice doesn't sound disrespectful. I am not sure what he is going to say. His reaction varies.
"Thought you were going to join us for dinner, since your shift is over, and there are no more English teachers for you to protect." He chuckles. He is mocking me. I wish I hadn't told him when I had gotten back to the station to finish my shift.
"I haven't decided yet." I turn to him what is he getting at.
"What are you thinking about, the last hurricane, when you were 8?" He notices me watching him, and gives me one of his famous smiles. The ones that irritate me, the ones, like he is holding a secret, and he has to taunt you with it.
"I try not to think about what happened when I was 8, or before that." Anger slips in my voice, as I turn my gaze back to the water. "Its better that way."
"I said I was sorry about that…." He pauses, as if my words have actually hurt him.
"I don't want to hear the AA speech again. I am just glad you decided not to use me as your punching bag anymore." My eyes turn into slits. I hate talking about this, it is like the dirty family secret. It also reminds me of my dad's cruelty. I wonder sometimes if that is where Pacey picked it up, but I am the same way. The Witter men are known for lashing out at people, except since I was 8 my dad has only done it verbally, to the family that is, he takes a lot of anger out sometimes on the people we arrest.
"Why are you still angry about it? I said I was sorry. I haven't hit you since. I mean I was a little rough with you before that, but you know I have barely laid a hand on you since. Mainly, because you are a good kid, I am proud of you, following in the old man's footsteps."
I sigh deeply, my face forming a deep frown. "I am not mad at you. I pulled a gun on Pacey today."
"Again?" He doesn't seem surprised. "Not like he didn't deserve it. I will have a talk with him again about calling you that. It is okay to taunt someone if things are true, but that isn't true…is it?"
I look at him in shock. "No!" Maybe it is partially true. I have always for some reason felt that everyone had bisexual inclinations, but I can't tell him that. I can't risk stepping out of the box he has me in with him. I don't know what I would do if he decided to out cast me like he has Pacey at time, to give them some un-true label. I unfortunately, pretend at times that it is true; mainly because that is the box I am supposed to be in. Sometimes though, I want to tell Pacey to keep what he is doing. I envy him sometimes, because even though he may be the town joke at times, I feel at least because of that he is going to try to leave this town as soon as possible, and I am not sure I will ever get that chance. It is sad that at 24, I see more potential in my 16 year old brother, than I do at times in myself. I think that is one of the reasons I am mean to him, because I am jealous of him, but I wouldn't ever tell him that.
"Good! I will see you at dinner in 15 minutes." He gets up and leaves.
I should just get up and go to my apartment, and fix myself dinner, and not go over to the house. But I know in 10 minutes, I will get up and head over to the house. Maybe one day I will have the courage to break free. Unfortunately, I know it is not going to be today, because there is no benefit right now for me to break out of this town, all my possibilities are in this town.