Rhapsodia Silentium
. I
can't stand it. this constant silence, the silence scares me. I'm alone, in the
silence. War solves that problem for me. It drowns out the loneliness that has
kept me quiet for so long. Now i find.... I can't remember...... how to be not
quiet.. I don't have any way to put it, I never was an obnoxious child nor was
I normally quiet. They took me away from it, the silence, when I asked them to.
They told me what i should do with the silence that invaded my mind. Invaded,
yes it drowned the laughter of my little sister and mother crying their bitter
agony of what had been done. Then they put me in that little room away.... in
that dark silence that shaded my mind. And it grew, overpowering me, making me
forget. Everything.
They told me I had an extreme
personality problem and the doctors there would help me. So this is what 'help'
is. Being forgotton locked in a silent place with those leeches to feed off my
mind and tore out my skull making me as crazy as they were. I wasn't crazy, not
as crazy as them I couldn't be as mad as they were!!! With the crooked smiles,
drooling, a five year old girl killing a handicap boy twice her age, with a
spoon no less. No, i wasn't that crazy. Thats when I started to listen and
listen and listen and listen and listen. and i heard, finally those terrors who
mocked me and laughed. and now that I found them and listened I knew what they
were up too. They didn't know I was listening Ha! i had tricked them ! I knew
their entire plot. But the more i listened the more they started to make since.
They still didn't know I had heard. I was a sneaky little bastard, thinking I
was so clever for them not to know. I decided to reveal my self. I thought they
would be a little shocked suprised even a little. i hadn't expected for them to laugh at me. like they
allways had.
How could I have expected any
less... I decided that I could never beat them, those things that lived inside
me plotting their bitter treacherous plans against the world and they were
going to use me. I..hadn't...wanted to hurt anyone...... But they could not be
beat. I followed them doing whatever they told me stealing whatever hurting
whomever......... they told me to. I gave up and lost my true self. I died.
Then another evil come that man who
called himself a heartless killer. I assumed the voices could handle him, they
were all powerful in my mind. And when he came they left. They were gone, only
my empty silent self remained. So i followed this man with his ideas even more
cruel than those (now so simple voices) could never scheme. My fear of him over
took me sometimes. I lay in the corner of the thing he called my bed yelling
for them to come back and rescue me from this vile human being. I actually
wished for them back I craved the attention. Odin, as the demon spawn called
himself decided that I should follow him in the 'family' buisness.
what was left of my soul was raped
from me, bitterly and harshly. I went to bed every night wiht broken bones cuts
and scratches tending to them myself. I knew it was a punishment from whatever
higher beings were out there, from the Voices I had abandonded. Punishement for learning how to kill and not be caught
and punished. i never cried i never let him see my weakness and frail state my
mind was in. So again I slipped into the silence, except this tme I welcomed it
and went on a zombie. Not feeling. Becoming the miserable monter that Odin was.
Thats what standing alone in the silence does. The ecstasy of the silence. Or,
the absence of it which one I could never figure out, just kind of sits there
coaroding your psyche slowly till one day you realize you just don't care. You
no longer have a concience to guide you or feel you with guilt. No pity or
shame for your actions no matter how harmfull they be. Then yet again i switched
sides, on that stupidly funny day that Odin died. Thats when the silence left
me, forever only to be filled with empty 'missions' for the 'perfect' empty
shell of a boy I am.