The seconds tick away faster than I can keep up.
The buzzer sounds, but no one cheers.
Tears stream down faces as we step off the bench.
My feet feel like deadweights as they hit the ice.
I know the loss is monumental, but I only feel numb.
White and blue jerseys whizz by as we shake hands.
I don't even bother approaching the refs...
We skate off the rink to the door, and I stop to wait.
I've always done that. It's tradition.
The locker room is deathly quiet.
Quiet cries and sobs are the only relief to empty ears.
I sit in the corner, there with my teammates but alone with my thoughts.
How was it already over?
10 years of my life gone with the time before I could blink.
The enormity of it was like lightning waiting to strike the final blow.
The coaches come in.
Their faces match our wet cheeks and red eyes.
Our head coach can't speak at first and his voice shakes when he talks.
He starts off by telling us he lost his dad at a young age.
He says he only had two regrets about it.
"He never met my kids…and he never got to see you girls play."
The words trigger something inside me.
My chest constricts, and I turn away to hide my tears.
It's hard to conceal the sobs that shake my body.
I try to keep listening as another coach speaks, but I can't.
My mind is too overwhelmed with the truth.
It's over.
There's no going back.
I feel like I've just been slapped in the face as it hits me.
Memories flash through my mind of games past –
Crushing Blaine with an iron fist and feeling ecstatic to just be there as I shouted "I love this team!"
Partying on the bus back from Fargo like we just didn't care,
Scoring my first two goals in the Holiday Tournament,
Trying not to cry at Senior Night after I played my last home game,
Hearing my number called again and again during the second North Metro game and taking out number 14,
My thoughts trail towards our time spent in the locker room.
The pre-game cheering
The perfectly set-up scoring
The bench-view screaming
The love
The passion for a sport unlike any other
The smiles between teammates that bind us together
The willingness to persevere through the hardest times
The jokes at practice that other people wouldn't understand
My mind snaps back to reality as I realize the coaches have left and the girls are undressing.
The shuffling of equipment and ripping of velcro mix with the crying, not quite drowning it out.
I dig through my bag, and a wry smile crosses my face as I see the bucket.
Someone always brought it to our tournaments, and I usually didn't have time.
Oh, the irony.
I pull it out, telling my teammates I have something to say as I reveal it.
"Last night, while we were making a mess of our kitchen, I made puppy chow for you guys because…regardless of what the outcome of this game was, I wanted to end on a good note."
They all laugh and say thank you.
I know a few treats won't take away the pain,
But the atmosphere in the room doesn't feel so heavy anymore.
As I walk out, I take a deep breath as I realize what I'm leaving behind.
This wasn't just another hockey game – this was a part of me.
A huge part.
And it was staying behind in this rink while I was walking away.
A tear slips out of my eye as I try to accept it, but I don't want to…
Two words suddenly pop into my head that make me pause for a moment.
No regrets.
I smile to myself as the memories start to replay in my mind.
It might have been the end, and the time flew by all too fast.
But I don't regret a second of it.