Title: Slow Dancing In A Burning Room
Author: Natushka & Phantom
Summary: He realised the irony that it could have been him lying on that cold, hard metal slab. There but for the grace of his wife's betrayal.
Fandom: 24
Pairing: Bill/Karen
Disclaimer: Not Mine. Except for Elizabeth
Spoilers: Up till the Season 6 Final
A/N: So this is a companion piece too A Long Affair with Distance, its not a sequel and can be read alone, but the Character of Elizabeth might make more sense if you read it. Essentially A Love Affair With Distance was Fanon and our take on what could have happened from ep 19 onwards i think. While this is Canon, and goes along with what actually played out in the Final and such. Also we had issues with Karen's eye colour. I thought green, but I swear I'd heard Blue around... and then all the pics we looked at we couldn't tell. so forgive us.
Phantom still maintains she is NOT a Bill/Karen shipper. I think we all know she's lying by now.
---
Bill Buchanan didn't really want to leave.
In fact, he was certain he didn't. There was something comforting about the halls of CTU. They were familiar. He might even go so far as to call it home. Or as close to one as he currently had, because his house certainly wasn't. Not anymore. He bristled to think of the strangers that had poked through his things, the FBI agents that had delved into his personal life. That place would never feel private ever again
He sat in his office. His old office, he reminded himself. It was after lunchtime, the last few hours since returning to CTU passing by in a blur. He'd been debriefed, recounting in a sort of detached monotone the events that had taken place in the cold early hours of that morning. He'd spoken to Nadia, and learnt of his pardon from the Vice President. He'd known what was coming after that though: a request in the form of an order for him to resign. He'd also been told of Karen's release from custody. They'd both known the consequences of their actions, and both had accepted them, but now he realised they had both been stripped of their life careers, with nothing to turn to but each other. The thought left an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach.
He'd visited Chloe, who wasn't allowed to leave until she'd had some proper sleep. And then he'd spent a few moments with Milo, struggling through his fatigue not to let the grief overwhelm him. He realised the irony that it could have been him lying on that cold, hard metal slab.
There but for the grace of his wife's betrayal.
Karen had called him, but he'd been legitimately busy every time. He wasn't ignoring her. Not on purpose. Not yet, anyway. The problem was that he didn't know what to say to her. His thoughts weren't slowing down enough in his mind to really form coherent feeling.
He needed sleep. He needed a bit of solitude to work out the dizzying array of emotions currently overloading his system.
And he needed to distance himself from the cold body that wouldn't be there if he'd been allowed to do his job.
-----
Bill slept all of that afternoon, and that night, waking up at dawn the next day, conveniently ignoring the lingering imagines of bombs exploding and gunfire that had hovered on the edge of his consciousness for most of the night. The message bank on his cell phone flashed rudely at him, demanding his attention, and he wondered how many missed calls he had on the house phone after the FBI had taken off with his answering machine.
Ignoring his cell, he moved to the kitchen to make a coffee. His house was only an empty husk now, housing only a handful of items the FBI hadn't felt were worth taking. He figured they would be back sometime today, stony faced on the outside, but contrite and embarrassed on the inside, to return his things.
It was convenient actually; the FBI had done most of his packing for him. He knew straight away that he wasn't going to stay in LA. The city suddenly felt too small, his house oppressive, reminding him only of that which he no longer had.
It was during his cup of coffee, as he debated the best way to spend the day, that he heard the unmistakable rattle of keys pushing its way through the lock on his front door. He waited a beat, then heard the handle twist, letting out its familiar shriek of protest. The door opened soundlessly, but he felt the air shifting. A morning with Jack was all it took to be suspicious... Bill reached out to grab the steak knife from its sheath on the bench, hiding it under the cuff of his shirt. It probably wouldn't help much against someone with a gun, but he felt better for having it close.
It occurred to him afterwards that anyone coming to kill him probably wouldn't have used a set of keys to open the door.
"Bill?"
Karen Hayes' voice was unmistakable; his wife had paused in the threshold to call his name. Bill called out to her, directed her to where he leant casually against the bench. If Karen wondered why a steak knife lay inches from him in their impeccably clean kitchen, she didn't ask.
She looked tired. Like she hadn't slept in over 48 hours, and as Bill's mind quickly did the calculations, the conclusion that she'd probably spent a good deal of last night and this morning on a plane and going through airport security hit him. Instantly he felt a tad guilty. Angry with each other or not, he would have liked to have been there to pick her up from the airport.
Karen let her briefcase drop to the ground, and she stood just inside the doorway to the kitchen, twisting her fingers together nervously. She had no idea what to say to him, and it was obvious he felt the same way after he had successfully dodged all her calls yesterday. She had thought it might have been easier in person, the idea that she was right in front of him and he'd have to react. It had seemed like her only option. She'd used up all of what little power she had left to get on the first flight to LA after LAX had been reopened. God and now that she was there, she wanted to get straight back on a plane and go again, her sudden appearance causing discomfort on both sides.
But Karen had always been a woman of action, and had never backed away from a confrontation and she wasn't about to start now, stubbornly refusing to deny her place by his side or let him forget it. She had to tread carefully though, because it seemed that the past 24 hours had taken more of a toll on their marriage than the past 2 months of separation could, and she just hoped that she hadn't done irreparable damage to their already fragile marriage.
She only hesitated a second before she moved slowly towards him.
"Hi," she said softly, unsure of what else to say and when she was close enough, she reached her hands out to touch him, her fingertips just brushing the material of his shirt when she retracted them, suddenly uncertain.
She felt Bill lightly touch her arm, drawing her attention, and then dropped his hand, his faltering making the dull ache in her chest intensify.
"Hi." He whispered back, and then he leaned down to kiss her cheek as she turned to her head to move forward, their foreheads bumping softly.
Karen pulled back, taking a step away, having to bite her lip in frustration as she felt her eyes sting with the beginning of tears; why did it have to be this hard? She didn't expect it to be easy but she never expected this, they were just completely out of sync with each other.
"Hey." His tone made it almost a question, Bill's voice bringing Karen back to face him. His eyes searched hers, and he noticed the tears behind them, her rapid blinking not able to hide them completely. He looked at her and saw the horrors of the day past echoing back at him, but what ever words of absolution he had died on his lips. Although he wanted to make it better, the words wouldn't come.
He gathered his wife in his arms, but the hug felt perfunctory to both parties. Karen could feel his tension and was unable to relax against him. He could have been a stranger, for all the warmth she felt from him.
Bill pulled away from her, "What are you doing here?"
The question sounded like she had no right whatsoever to be standing in her own kitchen. Karen ignored his tone, "I got worried when I didn't hear from you."
"Didn't CTU tell you I'd gotten back safe? I thought there would be things still in DC that needed your attention."
Karen's forehead creased into a frown, irritation edging her words, "I came to check up on you Bill, if you'd bothered to answer your phone, I wouldn't have to of come." She closed her eyes, "You don't want me here then?"
Bill sighed and rubbed a hand over his eyes, "No, that's not what I meant Karen and you know it…"
He watched as her irritation drained from her features, her shoulders slumping slightly and a look on her face that he could only associate with defeat passed over her. His fingers twitched to reach out to her again, but the room was blanketed with a strange awkwardness. One that he could only remember feeling from very early on in their relationship. He had no idea what was happening with them or how to fix it.
"I know. I'm sorry…" Her eyes drifted away from him again as her hair fell across one side of her face as she shifted slightly, and he hated the fact he couldn't see her clearly, "You didn't answer your phone, and I heard about the helicopter and I just… I didn't know what was going on."
He'd only seen vulnerability on Karen a number of times; usually she held a tight rein of control over her emotions. He knew she hated feeling so out of control, but it had been her doing that led them here and as he watched her struggle for control all he could do was stand there and say nothing. He had no words of comfort for her or an explanation for his silence. He couldn't explain to her something he didn't understand himself.
"We need to talk about this." She said wearily.
"I know. And we will." Bill moved past her, picking up her briefcase where she'd left it on the ground, "But not now. You need to get some sleep." He turned abruptly to face her, "Let's get out of here." His face was hard, "I hate this city."
Karen was slightly taken aback at his sudden shift, "I have to get back to DC..."
He nodded, "Do what you need to there. I'll meet you at the Lake House." He spoke of their property in Rutland, Vermont, a lake side house that was just far enough away to be out of the hustle and bustle of the city itself, but still close enough to travel to the many cafes and restaurants for a lovely meal. They'd owned it together since they'd been married. It had taken him months to find a place up for sale, as most of the area surrounding the Lake was privately owned. But once he'd found it, Bill had instantly put down a deposit.
They'd spent most of last summer before Karen left for DC up there. Karen convincing him they should splurge and buy a boat, her argument being that their own personal dock looked empty without one. But it had been her barely containable excitement, so out of character for her, which had convinced him and the sleek stingray boat had taken up residence on the dock a few weeks later.
Elizabeth had even joined them over the summer, Bill's daughter ecstatic about spending a couple of days on the Lake water skiing.
It had become their own secret retreat, away from the city, away from the stress and pressure of their demanding jobs. But of course once Karen had taken the position of National Security Advisor to the President, most of her time was spent in DC and their trips to the Lake house were few and far between. On the rare occasion they would both fly up for the weekend and meet at the house, spending what little time they had together.
But now after everything that had happened, it felt like the only place that he would be able to find solace and the solitude that he craved, even if Karen wasn't able to make it up there until the end of the week, the time alone would be to his advantage. To slow down, to sort everything out in his head, before Karen pushed the issue of everything that had happened.
Karen frowned, "At Vermont? Bill...why would we..."
"Please Karen..." he looked her directly in the eye, "Just do this for me, okay?"
She nodded slowly, then allowed him to lead her to their bedroom. She gratefully changed into clothing that didn't restrict movement, and sunk down into their bed.
'I'll call you." Bill murmured, placing a soft kiss on her forehead.
She didn't have time to contemplate his words, the expenditure of too much emotion leaving her drained as exhaustion set in, sleep dragging her in as soon as her head hit the pillow.
When Karen awoke... Bill was gone.
----
The dreams didn't stop once he'd retreated to the relative solitude of his house by the lake. He wouldn't call them nightmares, exactly, but more like a general unease that seem to nip at the edge of his mind when he slept. He was starting to understand, and the time that passed didn't serve to ease his growing tension. Karen lay at the heart of his problems he knew, but he still couldn't put voice to them. Especially not to her.
Bill never really entertained the idea of just disappearing. Although for the short term it seemed like a great idea – perhaps he was channeling Jack Bauer just a little too strongly – he was too practical and aware of his responsibilities to seriously consider it. And one of those responsibilities was currently getting out of her car, in the form of his daughter, Elizabeth.
He wasn't sure how she had found him – he hadn't broadcasted his departure from LA to anyone, but he had a sinking suspicion Karen might have had something to do with it. He knew the two women in his life conspired against him. Not that he was trying to avoid his daughter, but he had figured she had enough on her plate right now as it was; she didn't need to be burdened with his domestic problems. In between her work as a prosecutor for one of the larger LA firms, and setting up house with her new husband, he'd thought, for once, he'd not trouble her.
He needn't have bothered. Elizabeth seemed to have a sixth sense about him anyway. If not Karen, his daughter would have figured it out by herself soon enough.
And Bill wasn't actually complaining. He enjoyed his daughters company. In fact, now that she was here, she was about the only person in the world he felt like talking too.
As he watched her walk up the driveway he noticed her briefcase in one hand, a duffel bag slung over her other shoulder, which meant two things. She was intending to stay for a couple of days, but she also had work to do, which was a good thing, because he was sure if he had to be under her probing eyes for the entire time she was staying, he'd probably crack and spill everything in the first few minutes she stepped into the house and at the moment, there were some things he just had to keep to himself.
She smiled and waved to him when she spied him watching her from the entry way. She picked up her pace and reached him in a couple of strides, dropping both of her bags to reach up to give her Dad a warm hug. When Elizabeth pulled back, she eyed him critically. He didn't look as bad as she imagined he would. Although she knew he had been out of LA for a couple of days now, he still looked troubled, the lines along his forehead more defined, the blue in his eyes a little more dull than usual.
Karen had been very brief when she had spoken to her, but the words 'day from hell' had come to mind. Elizabeth had figured when the nuclear device had gone off in LA that both her father and her step-mother wouldn't have had a pleasant day, but even though she had only been given a condensed version of events she realised there was a lot more going on. Karen had been tight lipped however. Whatever greater tragedy was behind them, Karen either couldn't, or wouldn't talk about it.
Karen and her step-daughter had a close relationship, but Elizabeth knew working for the President there were a lot of things the other woman couldn't share. What Karen did reiterate though, several times, was that her father would need her over the next few days. Elizabeth wasn't quite sure exactly what 'a few things to finalise back in DC' entailed, but Karen had told her she would be back – permanently – with Bill before the week was out.
Elizabeth didn't like the sound of it. Her father and surrogate mother were both work-a-holics, and suddenly they'd both decided to quit their jobs and retire to a secluded lake house in the middle of Vermont?
She didn't really buy it.
What concerned her more, however, was Karen's insistence that she be with her father. That what ever it was couldn't wait until Karen managed to be back with the man herself. She also didn't like the sound of resignation behind Karen's words during their long phone conversation. Her words had been laced with a strained undertone that unnerved her, and it was that – rather then the disjointed information -, that put Elizabeth on the first plane she could find to Burlington International Airport. Her hire car still sat in the driveway.
Elizabeth smiled at her father, and although he returned it, the unease in his eyes didn't smile back. He ushered her inside, taking her duffle bag from her, and then followed her in to the lounge room.
"Just in the neighbourhood were you?" He asked, by way of welcome.
Elizabeth turned to face him, "It's nice to see you as well." She pointed to the window to his left, "I thought I told you to get rid of those horrible curtains? You know I'm not ever going to bring grandchildren in here if they stay."
Bill turned to assess the offending material, placing her bag by his feet, resting against the side of the couch, "You'd have to bring that up with the lady of the house." He responded automatically, then he frowned, as if only realising after he spoke what his words implied.
Elizabeth took a few steps towards him, commanding his attention, "What's wrong?"
Bill let out a breath of air, trying to smile again, trying to reassure his daughter. But he knew he was doing a poor job, "Nothing, sweetheart. It's just been a long week. Can I get you something to drink?"
"Sure dad, I'd love a coffee."
As Bill moved towards the kitchen, Elizabeth studied his retreating back. She knew her father well, could read his moods better then anyone, and she could see the secrets hidden behind his eyes. She also wasn't very good at beating around the bush when it came to extracting information from people. But sometimes he could be just so closed off, and that made her unsure of how to approach him.
Deciding to let him be for the moment, she moved through the house until she stood out on the terrace. Leaning against the steel railing, she looked out onto the lake, the serene stillness almost hypnotizing. It was so hard to stay out there and be nothing but content. She smiled at the memories of last summer, her Father had just married Karen; she distinctly remembered him not being able to wipe the ear splitting grin off his face, and god, she'd almost burst at the sight of her Father so happy, so in love.
It was such a relief to her, to know that he'd found someone to spend the rest of his life with, knowing he wouldn't be alone, knowing that he'd found someone so understanding to the pressures and demands of his job, someone that was the exact same way. They were just so perfect for each other, that after the first night she met Karen, she'd happily declared to her Father that she was sure Karen was going to last forever.
But after Karen's phone call and now seeing her Father, curiosity coursed through Elizabeth like a drug, wanting to know what had caused them to reach this point. What had happened to make them both suddenly quit their jobs and cause such distress between them both?
She turned around as she heard him approach from behind her, accepting the steaming mug she wrapped her fingers around it gratefully. Elizabeth studied him over the rim of her mug as she took a sip and decided that she wasn't going to let him deflect the issue any longer, the more time she gave him, the more he was going to withdraw into himself and that she wasn't going to let it happen.
Turning to face him she narrowed her eyes at him, her face reflecting the seriousness she thought the situation warranted. It was time for him to face facts.
"Dad, what's going on?"
Bill's automatic reaction was to dodge her question, but he swallowed the urge. He knew it would do no good, and maybe talking about that day would help. Perhaps order his thoughts a little better, so that when it came time to talk to Karen, he'd know what it was he wanted to say to her.
He turned his gaze from his daughter to the lake, looking without really seeing, "The day the nuke went off." His voice was soft as he reflected, "A lot of tough decisions had to be made...A lot of people died." He paused for a long moment; reacting to some internal effect that sentence had had on him that Elizabeth could only guess at, "A lot of mistakes were made. Someone had to take the fall for that."
"And they decided it should be you?" Elizabeth paused, then suddenly her eyes went wide, " ...Did they fire you?!"
Bill let out a bitter laugh, and she saw the irony in his eyes as he turned his head to look at her, "Karen fired me."
"Oh." Elizabeth didn't have a response to that, but it made everything clearer now.
"The man I was telling you about, Jack Bauer? He was going after the people responsible for the attacks... Karen asked me to help him."
Elizabeth cut him off, "Jack Bauer? That guy who got captured by the Chinese? I thought he was dead?"
Bill grimaced, "It's a long story...but by helping Jack, she went against the direct orders of the Vice President..." he turned to face her again, "She was arrested."
Elizabeth frowned, but waited for the rest of the story. She'd only spoken to Karen a day ago, so she knew what ever had happened hadn't kept Karen in prison.
"She asked me to break Jack out of custody. I broke about fifteen federal laws... I commandeered a helicopter on what could have been a suicide mission..."
Elizabeth didn't understand. Not only the bizarre actions of her father – she didn't think she'd ever seen him so much as jay-walk in the past – but also how exactly this story was going to end. It was obviously to her that, unless he was on the run, neither Bill nor Karen had actually been arrested.
She listened while he explained about being reinstated, about how it would be less embarrassing for the government that way, but how he would never be able to work for them again. She could tell it made his heart heavy. Her father loved his job, and had worked hard to get where he'd been. It was a blow, certainly, but she knew how practical her father was.
"Karen didn't have a choice... when she fired you. Do you blame her?" Elizabeth asked kindly, "For doing her job?"
Bill shook his head slowly, "No. I don't blame her for that." He glanced at his daughter again, at the way the soft sunlight shined off her dark hair, "I know how the system works. I only wish I'd..." he stopped then, and Elizabeth watched him close down. It was almost as if he was shifting gears, from a reflective, melancholy mood back to his old self.
Or at least, as close to his old self as he could manage, given the circumstances, "So tell me about married life."
Elizabeth smiled at his unsubtle change of subject, but let the matter drop. They had several days before Karen arrived, she was sure should could worry out his problem by then.
She didn't, however. The week drew to a close, and Bill had apparently said all he was going to on the subject, and no amount of soft prodding on her part would bring anymore information from him. She knew there was something he wouldn't tell her, but try as she might, she couldn't determine what it was.
The days got shorter, the autumn air dropping degrees by night time, and when Karen arrived, they were wrapped up in sweaters and blankets sitting just inside the terrace in front of the enclosed fireplace. The floor to ceiling clear glass windows gave off a spectacular view of the lake and the stars, the moons glow reflecting off the water and shadows danced along the edge.
Elizabeth watched her father carefully when they heard a car pull up, to gauge his reaction to Karen's arrival. As she watched the conflicting emotions pass over his face, what bothered her most was that he looked almost wary at her coming, and the sense that he was keeping something from her intensified. She never got to dwell on it though, because Karen appeared in the doorway, keys still in her hand and a bag slung over her shoulder.
Elizabeth smiled brightly, but stayed wrapped in her blanket while she watched her father get up to greet his wife. Karen placed her bag on the floor, smiling over at Elizabeth, before looking up at Bill. He seemed better. The fatigue had left his eyes, but the unease remained.
She new instantly something was still troubling him.
Bill reached out; wrapping his arms around Karen, and Elizabeth watched them out of the corner of her eye. Her father seemed almost resigned to Karen's presence, like he held her for the very fact that it was expected of him. Karen responded to her husband a little more warmly, Elizabeth saw the relief Karen felt at finally being home. It bothered Elizabeth that she didn't know what was going on with her dad, but it simply annoyed her that apparently Karen didn't either.
She wondered if he still did blame the woman he loved for making a decision against him she couldn't have helped. But Bill hadn't been in a habit of lying to her. She was his confidant, and she trusted him. But there was something...
Karen pulled away as Elizabeth finally got up, nudging her father gently out of the way to hug her surrogate mother tightly. Karen returned the hug, finally letting the joy of being back with her family wash over her. The week had drawn out longer than she would have liked, the days moving slowly as she tried to tie up all lose ends before coming back from DC permanently. It had been a tedious process, and along with trying to get all her things shipped back to LA and dodging the press about her sudden resignation, Karen couldn't get out of DC fast enough.
Elizabeth scrutinised the other woman with the same thoroughness she had her father, but of the two, Karen seem to be holding together better. She almost seemed on top of her game, except for the deep set of worry she wore behind her eyes. She was concerned for Bill as well.
Bill went through the motions with Karen, asking after her flight and the work she'd done in DC, and Elizabeth once again had the feeling that Bill was merely doing it for show. For any outside observer, they seemed to be the perfect couple, polite and interested in each other. To Elizabeth, who knew both of them better perhaps then anyone else in the world, saw through the act for what it was. Bill was holding back, holding his emotions tightly reigned. There was something terrible hidden deep inside of Bill, and the effort to keep it from the woman he loved was slowly choking off any other emotion he had.
----
Elizabeth groaned, almost blindly making her way to the coffee maker, pulling the blanket around her tighter, the chill from the early morning air already sinking its way into her bones. Looking at the clock on the wall, it declared it was six thirty and she shivered.
"Way to early" she muttered, but now that she was up, sleep would be unattainable. Sighing, she filled her mug and moved to go back to her room, but something caught her attention out on the terrace and she took a step towards the glass sliding door.
And there was Karen, sitting out in the cold morning air, a blanket secure around her shoulders, her feet tucked up under her and her own steaming mug in her hands. Sliding the door open, Elizabeth stepped out and almost instantly regretted it: god it was cold.
"Christ Karen, why are you sitting out here? It's freezing."
Jumping slightly at the intrusion, Karen looked up at Elizabeth and smiled, said nothing, but pointed down to the lake. Elizabeth turned her gaze following the direction Karen had pointed, her eyes falling upon a lone boat with some crazy person water skiing behind it.
"Damn. They must be keen." Elizabeth commented as she sat down next to Karen.
Karen took a sip from her mug, "That's what I thought. But you get the best water in the morning."
Elizabeth nodded, pulling her blanket around herself tighter. But even though it was cold, there was a serene stillness about the Lake, something you didn't see during the day. The water motionless and placid, almost as if it were ice and the air crisp and fresh without the day's humidity hanging in it.
She could almost understand why Karen was out here. Almost.
Elizabeth took a long sip, feeling the hot liquid make its way down her throat. Looking over at Karen she asked, "Why are you up so early?"
Karen shrugged lightly, "Internal clock. I'm usually up and working by now." She paused, "Its going to be hard to shake."
Elizabeth believed that, although not entirely a workaholic herself, she knew how easy it was to be caught up in what you were doing and losing track of time and everything else around you. She had no idea how Karen and her father were going to handle this new found freedom they had.
The silence settled around them, not uncomfortable or strained, but both women enjoying each others company and the ambience.
Elizabeth waited until her coffee was finished before she broached the subject that seemed to have coated the house in tension since Karen arrived, "Did he talk to you?"
Karen slowly shook her head, tucking a few wayward strands of her blonde hair behind her ear, "He pretty much went to sleep." Her voice was strained, trying to keep the hurt out of her words, "Did he tell you what had happened?"
"I got the cliff notes. He also told me that he understands why you did what you did... I have a feeling there is something he's not telling me though."
Karen shook her head, still not looking at the other woman, her eyes on the lake as if answering the questions in her own mind, instead of Elizabeth, "There must be something else. If he truly forgives me for having to fire him..."
"What else happened that day Karen?"
Again Karen slowly shook her head. There was so much that had happened that day, what was it that Bill was holding on too?
Doubt wasn't really an emotion Karen had a lot of experience with, but she had felt it creeping into her thoughts since that fated day. It had only gotten stronger after she had spent time with her husband. Her doubts that she had done the right thing. That Bill was telling the truth. That it hadn't done irreparable damage to their marriage.
While Karen had been dwelling in how she could have done better that day, Elizabeth was thinking, ""Karen… when dad was talking about that day, he spoke about all the lives that were lost... he got this peculiar look on his face..." she frowned, turning in her seat to face Karen, "I didn't realise it at the time but... does that mean anything? Is there something else?"
Karen only had to think for a moment, and then she realised. With a sinking sensation in the pit of her stomach, it all came into light. The jagged pieces of the puzzle fell into place, and Karen felt a title wave of guilt for not realising it sooner. She'd been so consumed with how Bill felt towards her she'd never even thought...
She stood abruptly, "I think I might know... come on, I think we need to have a chat with your father."
-------
Bill stepped out from the shower after washing the last traces of sleep away. He'd been awake since Karen had left the bed over half an hour ago. He'd feigned sleep and let her go, convincing himself he could go back to sleep and let his mind be gratefully blank for a few more hours.
But sleep eluded him, Karen's place beside him gradually growing colder like some hidden metaphor for their marriage. He knew things last night had been strained between them, but after seeing her, all notions that he would be able to confide in her and tell her the truth seemed to go straight out the window.
He knew she would force the issue soon; Karen wasn't the type to bottle things up. If she was unhappy she would state it. She was honest and had never kept anything from him on purpose. But the trouble was that he was the exact opposite. He'd been alone for years, and even though he'd been with Karen for almost 2 years now, he'd still found it hard to share some things with her. How could he tell his wife, he could barely look at her because the ghosts of that day were there reflected in her eyes.
Dressing quickly, he moved through the house to the kitchen. As he was pouring his first cup of coffee, the sliding door opened, and Karen and Elizabeth walked through with blankets wrapped around them, holding empty mugs.
They both stopped short at seeing him, like guilty school children caught coming out of the 'teachers only' area. He was frozen as well, his hand still poised over his coffee cup. It was like an awkward moment at the theatre, when the cast forgets their lines and the silence stretches into eternity, like a giant void has opened up and swallowed all the occupants, no one quite knowing whose turn it was or who should react.
Elizabeth snapped out of it first, moving to lay a soft kiss on her father's cheek, "Good morning."
Chagrined, Bill tried to smooth over the moment, smiling at his daughter, "Morning." He flicked his eyes to Karen and even though his smile stayed, his forehead creased imperceptibly, "Hey."
Elizabeth glanced at Karen, but the other woman, after responding to her husband, had suddenly gone uncharacteristically quiet. Elizabeth decided then to take it into her own hands, rounding on her father, determined, "We need to talk."
Bill's eyebrow's raised, just slightly, as he sipped from the steaming mug in his hand, "Trouble?"
"Not me." Elizabeth responded, "You and Karen."
As predicted, Bill closed down. She could read it on his face, "Not now Elizabeth." Another sip, his eyes straying from her face to focus on some point between the floor and the table top.
Elizabeth frowned, "Yes now. If left up to you, you'll never talk about it."
Bills face hardened, "Elizabeth…" He warned. He was starting to feel slightly ganged up on, even though Karen had been strangely quiet, the look in her eyes spoke volumes. If he wasn't going to open up to Elizabeth's demands, Karen's temper was going to get the better of her and he'd seen her fight viciously for what she wanted.
Elizabeth's face hardened too, prepared to dig her heals in for the long haul, "William Buchanan, you have to deal with this. Now. Or else you are going to force me to take sides. And I will take Karen's. You told her that you didn't blame her. You told me the same thing. So what then?"
Bill's eyes widen, as he tried to mask his surprise. It had been so long since his daughter had spoken to him like this and at that moment, he knew it had taken a lot to bring Elizabeth to this point, she had virtually the same temperament as him and they both very rarely lost their composure with each other
But still he wasn't about to be walked over, by Elizabeth or Karen.
The thing was though; he had no words for his daughter, or for his wife. He couldn't explain it to either of them and his silence echoed through the kitchen for what felt like an eternity. He and his wife standing off with each other, Elizabeth in the middle of it, her eyes pinned on her father awaiting his explanation, demanding it. It had taken him almost half his life to find Karen and she wasn't about to let him throw everything away, because of some demon he considered not worth fighting, or wouldn't fight.
Elizabeth crossed her arms over her chest, mug still dangling from her fingers.
"I don't know if you've forgotten, but you made a promise. A vow." Her voice got a little softer, "And that means you're both stuck with each other forever. And forever is going to be a very long time if you are just going to subsist in this strained existence, because both of you have got nothing but time now."
Bill looked at Karen. She was eyeing him almost warily, and he wanted to make it better for her. His heart ached for the pain he saw behind her eyes. But the words still wouldn't come.
When Karen spoke, her voice was hard, "You would have died."
It was a simple sentence, but later on Bill would realise it was the perfect example of why he had married her. She knew him. She understood him perhaps better then even Elizabeth did. She just simply got it. Got his life, got his mind, the way he thought and the paths he took to reach his conclusions. She knew which buttons to push when she was looking for a fight. She knew the words she needed to calm him down.
And she knew how to get information from him.
Her words had hit the nail on the head, and Bill's irritation at being confronted before he was ready started to spike, "What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about Milo, Bill. They shot who they thought was the director of CTU, and if I hadn't fired you... if you hadn't of left that building… it would have been you."
It took only a heartbeat, and suddenly something inside of Bill snapped with the knowledge that Karen knew exactly what she was doing, and everything that he'd tried to hide and bury deep within himself came bubbling to the surface, his heart and soul bruised and exposed to her. "Is that supposed to make me feel better? Milo died because of me. Because I wasn't there. He's just a kid, Karen-"
"Don't you dare," Karen cut him off, her voice just a whisper, but the intensity behind her words reflecting just how bruised she was as well, "Don't you dare stand in front of me and talk about making me a widow." She paused then, and he could see it, her mind trying to fit the rest of the pieces together, him blaming himself for Milo's death shouldn't have affected his relationship with her, and suddenly she knew that and he watched as realization flooded her features, the hurt that had been placed there a week ago flaring in her eyes. "...You blame me. You don't blame me for losing your job... you blame me for killing him."
And there it was.
She was right. He didn't blame her for doing her job and firing him, but he did hold himself responsible for Milo's death, and Karen was the direction reason he wasn't there. It was his insistence that Nadia be left as the acting CTU director once he'd gone and if he'd been there and not watching the FBI raid through all of his possessions, Milo never would have stood up to protect Nadia and in turn, lost his life instantly. Bill would have been there, he would have stood up to the Chinese intruders, he would have…
His eyes locked with Karen, and that's when he saw it, saw the worry and panic that she'd held within her with the countless what-if scenarios she'd had a week to dwell on and for the first time since that day, Bill Buchanan felt a little foolish, he was essentially blaming his wife for his survival. He had to look away.
Elizabeth stood back, making herself invisible, giving her father and the woman he loved the space they needed with out interfering. She didn't dare move, knowing she might break the spell.
But Karen wasn't finished, and any move Elizabeth made couldn't have derailed her now, her hidden fears unleashed upon them all. "Tell me Bill. Tell me you blame me because I saved your life. Tell me you would have preferred me mourning your death. Tell me you wanted to leave me alone in this world without you. That you want Elizabeth's children to grow up never knowing their grandfather." She paused for a breath, her eyes glassy with the beginning of tears, her mind spinning, letting Bill know exactly what she had been thinking the past few weeks, "Bill... I know this doesn't make up for Milo's death…But you're alive and no one blames you, can't you just let Milo rest peacefully as the hero he was?"
She'd read all the reports of course, all the statements from the CTU personnel while she was back in DC. God and she hasn't had a decent nights sleep since reading them all, waking abruptly with her heart pounding so loud in her chest, imagines of Bill, so loyal, so dedicated, standing up for all of those people that worked below him and getting a bullet at point blank range for his troubles.
Bill being so distant hadn't helped matters. All she'd wanted to do was be with him, feel his warm skin beneath her fingertips, the steady rhythm of his heart beat, to remind herself they were just dreams and reality had played out far differently.
The silence stretched after Karen's words. Bill looked stricken, like he only just now realised exactly what he'd done to Karen. A single tear dropped from her eye as she blinked, and automatically, Bill stepped forward, his thumb catching the delicate drop, his finger gently wiping her cheek.
Karen looked up into his eyes, "A lot of people lost their lives that day Bill. You saved so many others. I did what I had to do, and it wasn't right, and it wasn't fair. But Milo didn't die because of you or me. Someone was going to die in that building. And it's a terrible tragedy that it had to be him. But I will never stop being thankful that it wasn't you."
Bill took a breath, his hand still holding Karen's face, his fingers gently making tiny patterns against her skin. She looked vulnerable, looking up at him like she was waiting to hear the verdict on her death sentence. Like she was afraid their marriage would either be broken or bonded with his next words.
He didn't speak, his hand sliding to the back of her neck, and with gentle pressure he pulled her towards him. Karen all but melted again her husband's chest, arms simultaneously wrapping around each other. Bill held the back of Karen's head, dropping his chin against her hair as he closed his eyes and held her tightly
He thought about all the words he could say to her, the excuses he could make up, how many times he could apologise for being so stupid. He wondered if she might ever truly forgive him. He hadn't been fair on her... he realised that now. While his guilt over Milo's death was justified, and certainly still present, he'd no right to dump that on her. All he wanted to do was make it better. Better for his wife, for the woman who had suddenly given him a whole new outlook on life when she swept into it so unexpectedly with her handcuffs and air of superiority.
He pulled away from her, resting his forehead against hers and just breathed. Breathed in her familiar sweet scent of perfume. Taking comfort in the warmth she was offering him, after everything, this amazing woman was still offering him everything she could. Her fingertips played with the hair at the nape of his neck and for the first time in weeks he let himself take comfort in the fact that Karen was there, soft and gorgeous and everything he needed, but wouldn't admit.
His eyes met hers, the green of hers tender and welcoming, her voice low and gentle when she spoke, "I just want us to be ok."
He moved in then, kissing her slow and softly, drawing the moment out. He couldn't promise her anything, his guilt and shame still burning deep within him, but as he pulled away from her, his hand slipping into hers and squeezing it tight, he knew this strong, smart and beautiful woman would stay standing by his side.
----
The rain fell.
Although the sun was shining overhead, the clouds white and wispy with only a hint of grey, a light rain continued to beat a soft tattoo against the window panes. The breeze held a hint of chill in it, swirling coats as mourners struggled with umbrellas. The mortuary, a sandstone building with expansive gardens that had seen so many dead over the years, beckoned to those who had come to pay their last respects to Milo Pressman.
Bill Buchanan stood at the back of the rapidly filling hall, stony face in his flawless black suit. Although the sunlight streaming through the large floor to ceiling windows may have warranted the need to keep his sunglasses firmly in placed before his eyes, Karen suspected the real reason behind them. She squeezed his hand tightly, and he afforded her a small, sad smile, before he gazed back up at the casket at the front of the hall. Elizabeth, on his other side, stood with her arm linked through his, lending her own silent support.
By the time the service started, the room was full, a sea of faces staring soberly up at the minister, those unable to find seats leaning along the walls. Milo had been an on again/ off again employee for CTU for more years then Bill had been there, and more then one ex-colleague had come. He had tried to be inconspicuous, showing up as late as his conscious would allow, and staying largely out of sight, but more then one curious employee had approached him and asked questions he'd been uncomfortable answering. However, Karen seemed to be watching everything around her like a hawk and moved in swiftly. The woman had all kinds of sharp diplomatic skills that could cut like a razor blade.
Several things didn't escape Bill's notice in between all the deflecting though. Morris and Chloe sat separately and he realised that even the news of Chloe's pregnancy couldn't keep them together. He had known, long before they did, that their relationship was doomed. He had watched them struggling for years, and it had been easy to spot from his outsider's perspective that it would only be a matter of time. He and Chloe had had a quick, hushed conversation, where she'd informed him that Jack was fine and 'being looked after'. She wouldn't elaborate, but Bill had a feeling he knew exactly who was taking care of the other man.
Nadia, who he heard had since left working with CTU, led Doyle in by the hand, who had still not recovered his eye sight after the bomb exploded in his face on the beach. While they didn't show any outward signs of being a couple, he didn't think it would take too much longer. He suddenly felt a little like a proud father, watching over his charges and feeling pleased they were being taken care of properly.
The service ended, and even though she was across the room talking with Nadia and Doyle, Karen was still watching Bill. He couldn't keep his eyes from her, watching the way her eyes fell over him almost protectively and possessively. It made the tightening in his chest relent somewhat, the knowledge that she was there, solid and strong and still by his side, willing to fight off any crowd and their accusations, even after everything he put her through. It made him fall just a little bit more in love with her.
With a barely perceptible signal to Karen to let her know he was going, Bill slipped out of the door, unwilling to let the press of that much depression consume him. Behind his sunglasses, tears threatened, and propriety suggested he be elsewhere when they did.
He wandered through the empty gardens. Empty of the living. Graves stretched for an eternity, headstones like silent guards over the bodies of all those buried here. Quite by accident, his meanderings brought him to the fresh graves. His eyes were darting between head stones, his lips silently whispering names to himself of those that had died. One name got stuck in his throat. Curtis Manning. Bill stopped, staring at the freshly carved words, at the earth still raw from being over turned. It was a sharp reminder of that day, but instead of the overwhelming guilt that had flooded him in the past, he just felt a hollow ache of sadness. He glanced back at the building where Milo still lay, reflecting on the young man's heroism.
He wasn't sure how she managed it, because he was sure he should have noticed her approach, but suddenly Karen was there, standing by his side. Her jade eyes staring up at him with nothing but sympathy and love.
It was looking at her now, it made him wonder how he had survived at CTU for so long, watching on while many of his friends and co-workers lost there lives for their country. The hardest one to watch was the self destruction of Jack Bauer, this extraordinary man who had lost almost everything important to him in his life, and maybe all his faith while doing this job and god, for the life of him, he didn't want to end up like that. Carrying the ghosts of days long gone on his shoulders, the weight slowly driving him into the ground.
The gravity of yet another tragic day, where too many lives were lost had sunken in completely, and the words from his confrontation with Karen in the early morning hours last week had shaken him to the core. He never wanted to leave her as a widow and had quietly declared in a late night of confessions that she would go before him, because he didn't want her to suffer for his loss, never to be alone in this world.
And it was with those words he thought that maybe this early retirement wasn't going to be such a bad thing.
They were silent for a long time, Bill with his thoughts of Milo and Jack, until Karen nudged him gently, wanting to take some of the weight from his shoulders.
"I wanted to ask you something...This is important." Karen slipped her hand into his, and he looked down at her fondly.
"What is it?"
"...when did you learn to fly a helicopter?"
He smiled then, real and full, reminding her of the man she had married over two years ago, his hand tugging her closer, as she returned his smile with a playful grin of her own. His free hand moved into her hair bringing them impossibly close, reminding him how much he'd missed these moments of intimacy with her.
Pushing strands of hair from her eyes, he let his finger tips play with the ends, then he looked at her, a smile still pulling at his lips.
"I'm sorry but that's classified."
Karen shifted her hand slightly, lacing their fingers together, the tips of her fingers brushing over the gold of his wedding band. Her eyes sparkled at him, the green bright and dazzling.
"Lucky I had one of the highest security clearances in the country then."
His lips grazed over hers, and then he pulled back briefly. He hummed, "Maybe I'll tell you someday then."
Letting go of her hand, he wrapped both of his arms around his wife, pulling her into a tight embrace, his face buried in her hair. So grateful for her support and strength. He whispered words of love into her ear, words he should have told her over a week ago. Words that were so undeniably true and he would never tire of saying, words that he wanted to whisper to her forever.
Karen closed her eyes, feeling the warmth of the man she loved seep into her soul. She had said to him once that their love was enough... and she knew, wrapped in the embrace of this man, in the midst of the terror that reigned in their world, that it truly was. That nothing had the power to pull them apart. It was so hard, so much... but she knew it was moments like these, when her world was narrowed to just him and her, that made it worth it. She breathed in, felt him stir beneath her, his fingers tightening into her skin, like he was trying to bury himself in her. She shifted, and felt his grin against her hair.
"We don't have to go back to Vermont tonight." She murmured to him, feeling his hands starting to move across the fabric of her blazer.
"If you're not careful," Came back his soft reply, Bill's words floating over her and coating her, "We won't make it back to the hotel room."
fin