Oneirophobia

Let me sleep
So I can dream of you
Let me sleep
So I can be with you

At least tonight, we'll be misunderstood.

Thank you, Texas and Paul Buchanan.

It had taken a lot of courage to get this far. To be sitting in the reception of one Bernie Kane. He didn't abide lateness, his appointment was 3.30pm and it was now 15.45. He had heard the heated voices and exchange of words. Then… the thump…..and silence. He rose and his immediate reaction was to burst down the door and confront…investigate, but he didn't he waited. The door opened banged against the wall, the drywall reverberated, maybe, he thought, the builders should have used 1" instead of the common5/8"…..it would have made better soundproofing. The woman glared at Gibbs and then marched up the corridor and through the door. Just as well it was spring hinged, or it would have shattered with the force the woman used.

"She didn't like what I told her." Bernie replied, now looking at Gibbs. "So, I apologise for the late start to your first session, I will charge you appropriately or since you are my last client I will give you extra time."

"I don't mind," Gibbs answered.

"Well you had better come in and make yourself at home….. can I take your coat?" Bernie enquired, and took, as Gibbs removed and handed to her.

"Bernie? I was expecting a…"

"Man?" Bernie smiled. "Yes I find that a lot of my clients are intimidated by the name Bernadette Kane. So please," as she indicated a seat, "Sit….. Agent Gibbs….and before you ask, I am qualified, and yes your Dr Mallard explained that, in his Medical capacity….as a Doctor Agent Gibbs " seeing the look on Jethro's face, "Dr Mallard was a medical practitioner before he became an ME, he knew my father. Now, Donald tells me that you have trouble sleeping."

"Nope, have no trouble sleeping." Gibbs answered.

"Fine," as Bernie looked at Gibbs, "I will rephrase….you have trouble with your sleep. I know that you….."

"You know nothing about me, Dr Kane." Gibbs answered in defence, or was it defensive.

"I will rephrase again shall I? Dr Mallard was concerned in the manner you sleep, at your desk or in autopsy or even at home on your couch. I believe….as a doctor of the mind, something is bothering you?" Bernie questioned looking for any kind of response.

Gibbs looked her in the eye, it twitched, he saw Bernie smile a sly smile, he shook his head slightly and looked at the ground, he knew when he was beaten.

"Ok, where do I start?" Gibbs replied.

"Lets' say your second bout of concussion and amnesia." Bernie ventured.

"Who said it said it was second bout of amnesia." Gibbs retaliated with.

"I never said it was, I said your second bout of concussion, maybe I should have added and your 1st bout of amnesia." Bernie replied.

Gibbs smiled, he knew he was going to have to talk. "Ok, I sleep badly. I don't suffer from Hypnophobia, I do sleep."

"Then what do you fear?" Bernie began to question. "Dr Mallard said that when you came round after your second concussion, he and your co-workers were distressed to see you distressed. It would appear that you were dreaming of your family."

"What if I was?" Gibbs replied.

"Agent Gibbs….I know this is hard for you and this is hard for me, but please could you describe when you do sleep if you…"

"Dream?" Gibbs answered.

"Yes…..do you dream?" Bernie asked gently.

"I sleep, as you know in some strange places….I try to rest." Gibbs answered the question.

"But you don't dream….or do you?" Bernie continued.

"Dr Kane, I don't know what you expect me to say…..or where this is leading." Gibbs answered.

"Agent Gibbs…..did you ever see the bodies of your family?" Bernie began to ask quietly.

"No….I …it was only when I returned from Germany and then we had the funeral."

"Jethro…do you in your mind, think of your family as they were, or as they may have been. I know you have seen many, many bodies, and the atrocities of war in your life, is this, what frightens you? Is it the thought of their bodies? Would you have liked to have seen them?" Bernie now asked.

"Sometimes I wonder…..sometimes…..I never looked at Jens' body when she was in autopsy….that would have been Director Shepard….we were….." Jethro answered as tears began to form in his eyes.

"I know you and the late Director were lovers…..so you never wanted to know your wife or your daughters' injuries… that correct?" Bernie continued.

"I wanted to remember them as I left them…..not as you say…like the bodies I have seen." as the tears began to flow.

"Jethro….I have the photographs, the pictures of Shannon and Kelly. I have them if you would like to see. They are not as you would imagine…..they are peaceful, as if they are asleep. They show no signs of trauma…..if that would help." Bernie continued.

"I don't know…. I don't know….our bedroom has never been slept in since that time…" Gibbs sobbed.

"Your bedroom, in your home, is it a shrine?" Bernie asked.

"My home….. I do not have a home," Gibbs whispered, now looking at Bernie, his eyes red, "I have a house, a roof over my head, I do not have a home…that died when my family died."

"Jethro did you ever see the vehicle that your family died in?" Bernie continued.

"I did, I saw the blood, on the windshield…I don't know if it was theirs….I don't know what they looked like….I know Mike gave me the file, there were no photographs." Gibbs replied.

"I will ask you again, would you like to see the autopsy photographs?" Dr Kane asked gently.

"I wanted to be with them I wanted to die, I tried to…..I went back to where we had our last vacation, I sat on the beach….. I looked down the barrel of my gun….but I couldn't do it, I couldn't." as Gibbs sat forward his head in his hands sobbing, "It was Mike who saved me from it, he made me realise I had a purpose in life…..but…I tried to love again. I tried four times….my last love, Jenny, she died too. Dr Kane, I'm afraid, I'm afraid to dream, I have the fear of what my mind might make, my subconscious." as Gibbs looked up and faced the physiatrist, "Yes Dr Kane….please let me see the photographs."

Bernie lifted a brown envelope from under her notes and carefully pulled the A4 contents from their wrapper, and very slowly began to pass to Gibbs, "You sure?" she asked

Gibbs nodded and took the photographs and looked, the tears streaming down his face.

"Thank you….Thank you." was all he could say.

-oOo-

As Gibbs made his way home, yes the house was a home now, he made up the bedroom that was once Kelly's, and he placed the photograph on the pillow, kissed her head and went to make up his own bed. Later that night he opened the bedroom door, the soft lighting as Shannon had always had, and slipping into the bed beside the face of his wife, he kissed her lips, "Goodnight Shannon." as he turned the light off and slept and dreamt for the first time in years, if not decades.

Yes his fear of dreams was over.