A-N: Hey guys, sorry I havn't been working on my other story but I promise Edwards point of view is coming for the Gap On Page 85! Anyway, I got this idea and I really wanted to write it down so I did, whoever is reading this I have just one request please! Listen to 'River flows in you' while you read it please please please! it inhances the experience, you can find the link on my profile, just keep playing it over till you're done reading. Thanks guys, and please, please, please review! it would actualy make staying up till 3 in the morning worth it if I got some feedback! :)
My heart thudded to a stop as Edwards lips brushed ever so gently across mine, the feeling tingling nerves in my body I didn't even know I had. He breathed against my parted lips gently, a cool breeze against my dry lips and my breath caught. Great, now two of my vital body functions were shot.
"Breathe, Bella." He chuckled quietly, the beautiful sound almost raspy as his lips barely moved against mine. 'Ok', I struggled to say but my lungs just wouldn't cooperate. When I thought I'd collapse form lack of air Edward finally connected his lips to mine. 'Not helping…' my mind sighed as he began the sweet, intoxicating torture of kissing me. Suddenly he blew a gust of sweet air into my lungs, filling them when my body couldn't. I smiled against his smooth marble lips as my lungs flexed and greedily drank in his addictive breath. I almost laughed aloud when I realized that he was giving me mouth-to-mouth resuscitation in a very sensual way. If he were a lifeguard, he'd probably end up killing the poor girl he'd be trying to save.
I chuckled quietly, embarrassingly incapable of reeling in my laughter. My chest jerked violently as I tried to retain my laugh, jostling his hard chest flush against mine. I felt my cheeks burn furiously, my laughter against him felt clumsy and awkward whereas his rumbling chuckles sent me hyperventilating, it was extremely embarrassing.
"What's so funny?" He half whispered half laughed against my lips once again, his arms encircling my waist tighter as his laughter rumbled against my chest, causing shivers, a perfect example of my earlier statement.
"Nothing." I whispered back, curling my fists in his hair as I silently kissed him, trying to change the direction of the conversation. He play growled against my ear and I giggled, overly tired and too drunk on love to get a hold on myself. Suddenly he broke away from me and pulled my head down under his chin, where he leaned his cold face against my hair. I felt my chest contract painfully as I snuggled into his embrace, I could feel my lungs press tightly together painfully as an overwhelming feeling pressed itself against me. The feeling was so strong I felt like crying, I hugged Edward closer to me, trying in vain to pull us ever closer, I didn't understand this ache in my chest, it hurt.
"I love you." He sighed against my hair, his breath sending tendrils of my hair flying in every direction. My lungs compressed tighter at his words, the feeling truly hurting now as I tried to take in slow shallow breaths to soothe the ache. He pressed his lips to my hair repeatedly but slowly, carefully, ever gentle.
No, he had to stop, the ache was burning. I felt a sudden tear leak out of the corner of my eye, burning a trail down my face .I took another unsteady breath and this time Edward pulled my chin up with his freezing finger and looked into my eyes, his own full of nothing but concern.
"Why are you crying?" He asked me intensely, his eyes focused on nothing but my own, trying to understand the reason behind the tears.
"I don't know." I whispered and it was true, I didn't know what it was, or where it had come from but it still ached terribly. The more his beautiful, deep golden eyes stared into mine the more my chest burnt fiercely, hindering my breathing and soon I was gasping, more strange tears leaking down my face.
"Bella!" Edward cried out in shock as my tears continued. He cradled me against his chest tightly, kissing my forehead, my eyelids, my nose, cheeks, lips, anywhere he could.
"Please Bella, tell me what's wrong, please." He begged, his voice strangled but all I could do was shake my head furiously, I didn't know what was wrong. Finally, after several agonizing minutes of pain, the ache started to lessen to something a little more manageable and I succeeded in dragging my breaths out carefully, giving the illusion that I was fine. I felt Edward release a sigh of relief when my breathing regulated and my tears ceased.
"Go to sleep Bella." He whispered against my ear, rubbing small circles in my back absent-mindedly. I inhaled deeply and felt relief as his scent overwhelmed me, taking over my senses as I curled up against him, holding him tightly to me.
"Don't leave."I whimpered against his chest. He seemed upset by my proclamation and only held me tighter still.
"Never." He whispered back fiercely and began to hum my lullaby, still using one free arm to rub circles in my back. I didn't want to sleep, I wanted to stare at his absurd beauty until I turned old and wrinkly…scratch that, until well, forever if I had my way. The thought brought me comfort and I began to drift away as his beautifully melodic voice drifted over me, a tidal wave of calm, peace and love. As everything began to fade into black, I quickly sealed the memory of his freezing, rock hard body against mine, holding me close as I slowly drifted into a place that wasn't by any means better than reality.
I awoke with a start, my body shivering relentlessly as my teeth chattered against each other. I was confused for a moment as to why I was shivering so much, normally when Edward came over he wrapped me up completely until I was sweating to prevent me from being cold against his freezing body. Then I smiled as I remembered falling asleep in his arms, it was the first time he'd actually let me do that, he normally balled me up so tight I'd have to poke him in the ribs to let him know I couldn't breathe. I swivelled my head around to look for him but I found my bed empty. I could feel the beginning of an unrealistic panic threaten to claw at my chest but I repressed it. He would never leave me again, ever. He had promised. A memory resurfaced to the front of my mind when we were in the hospital so very long ago after the fiasco with James.
"I'll stay as long as you want me." He had whispered to me, but he hadn't, he'd left me. I shuddered as panic threatened me once again.
No.
He was coming back, he probably just went home first, I would see him soon. With this affirmation, I threw the covers back and let my bare feet hit the floor, the cool tile reminding me of Edward. I looked over at my window and saw that it was open; I smiled. See? He had left early this morning and that's why I was cold, he had simply forgotten the window open.
I stopped dead in my tracks. Edward never forgot about closing the window…he never forgot about anything. After deliberating for a few minutes I left the window open, maybe he would stop by early? I quickly grabbed toiletries and stalked off into the bathroom were I quickly took a shower and dressed warmly. Urgh, I hated stupid Forks and it's stupid weather.
After drying my hair I tiptoed into the kitchen realising Charlie wasn't awake yet. It was another school day, sigh, but I brightened when I realized Edward had invited me to his house for dinner. 'Not that anyone else is eating diner', I thought grumpily. As I munched my cereal I continuously glanced at the clock, where was he? He had told me he would be dropping by early, but there was no sign of him.
"Bella?" I heard Charlie ask from the staircase. I glanced up at him, he was wearing his housecoat and still rubbing the sleep from his eyes. "It's only six o'clock, what are you doing up?" He asked me with curious eyes.
"Uh, couldn't sleep any longer." I mumbled through a mouth full of cereal. I heard him chuckle and I glowered at my food, why did he find that amusing? I continued to glance at the clock as I set my school bag up in the kitchen, it was almost time for me to get going, and still no Edward. While I waited, I tore my room apart looking for my text books, I had a test today for crying out loud, I needed my books! After more than half an hour of looking I gave up, I would just borrow Alice's later.
I stalked back downstairs empty handed and opened my school bag to make sure I hadn't just forgotten them in there the night before. I opened my bag to find it empty except for my binder, the one I used in all my classes. I picked it up but realized it was much too light. I raked a sceptic eye over the cover and realized it was much cleaner, too clean, almost as if it had never been used. A sinking feeling formed in my stomach, something wasn't right. I opened the binder to find it empty, all except for lined paper that hadn't been touched. What was going on? I shoved it back in my bag and hauled it over my shoulder. Well, if Edward wasn't going to show, then I would have to go to school without him. I suppressed a moan of disappointment when this revelation hit me.
I checked the clock one more time, I was still early but I didn't think it would be wise to wait any longer. I opened the door to walk outside when Charlie caught up to me, dressed and ready for work.
"You're going to be early Bells, excited?" He asked me, raising an eyebrow and trying to suppress a smile.
"I'm always early dad, excited for what?" I questioned him with a quizzical glance. He looked at me incredulously; he seemed in an oddly cheerful mood this morning.
"For your first day of school." He pronounced slowly as if I had a missing wheel in my head. I stared at him blankly.
"What?" I asked him, confusion settling in my chest as I stared at him. He returned my confused stare for a moment before heading back in the house. I followed him and he pointed to the calendar.
January. It wasn't January.
"Dad." I said slowly. "It's April the twenty fifth today." I said, what was going on? Charlie stared at me as if I had lost my mind.
"Bells, it's your first day of school, you just got here yesterday." He pointed out. We locked gazes with each other, both of us confused as to what the other was thinking.
Dread started pouring into my chest and a thought occurred to me, my last hope.
"Dad, you closed the windows last night didn't you?" I asked, more like pleaded. He continued to appraise me cautiously, as if assessing my mental condition.
"I closed all the windows except for yours, I didn't want to wake you so I left it open. I'm sorry if you got cold, I'll remember to close it next time if…" I tuned him out, my knees were wobbling and my head felt dizzy.
Waking up alone, the window left open, my lost text books, Edward a no show, my binder completely, new…untouched. I was going to be sick, I could feel the bile rising in my throat and the panic finally had it's way with me. My knees buckled, my chest contracted as I fell to the floor.
"Bella!" Charlie cried out in shock but didn't catch me in time. I slumped to the floor, twisting my ankle in the process but I realized nothing. I felt numb. This wasn't happening. I shook myself, I was right this was impossible, there was a rational explanation. With this revelation, I steadied my breathing, it was all going to work out, it was going to be fine. I felt a rough hand on my back, nothing compared to the soft cold one I was expecting, trying to pull me up but I lifted myself without Charlie's help, wincing as my ankle throbbed.
"Bella? Bella! Answer me, what's wrong?"
"Can I go to the Cullen's after school?" I whimpered out, trying to find some sort of link, a sort of bridge to keep me sane.
"What?" Charlie asked, confused.
"The Cullen's," I whispered, my lips feeling numb as I asked his permission. "Edward invited me for dinner." I whimpered again, my voice catching.
"Bella,' Charlie started slowly, "Who's Edward?" He asked, his eyes filled with concern. No, no, no, no. There was a logical explanation. My lungs pressed themselves together, I couldn't breathe. I was dreaming, that was it! I was dreaming, and I would wake up soon, it was going to be fine. I felt my lungs unglue themselves for a moment when I realized it wasn't real.
"Never mind," I said hastily, my voice still too quiet for my liking. I turned with my bag on my back but Charlie stopped me.
"Bella." He said concerned. "Are you feeling alright?" He asked, but I could only nod, my chest aching too badly to answer him.
"Fine." I tried to say but it only came out as a quiet gurgling, I tore myself away from him quickly. I jogged outside when my ankle gave another painful throb as I hopped in my truck. I could feel the clawing in my chest, trying to get my attention.
You couldn't have a twisted ankle in your dream and feel it.
I stared disbelievingly out the front of my windshield as my ankle gave another painful twinge. I could hear my breath as it rattled out of my chest, coming in gasps of air. No, it wasn't real, it wasn't… I pinched myself, hard. Yelping in pain, my worst fear came into play, this wasn't a dream. I gripped my steering wheel tightly, feeling my knuckles burn as the skin stretched over them.
No.
My body convulsed, no longer taking in air. I couldn't breathe, couldn't think. It had all been a dream, all of it. Edward wasn't… wasn't….real. I gasped in pain as my chest collapsed upon itself.
No, wait! If it was my first day f school then he would be there! Sitting at the cafe with the rest of them, all of them, Rosalie, Jasper, Emmett… Alice. I felt my heart stutter as I fumbled with my car keys, tears threatened to block out my vision as I mulled the idea over in my head. They would be there, 'They have to be!' my mind begged. Another whimper escaped my lips as I speed my car up, trying to get to school as quickly as I could.
Finally reaching the parking lot, I stumbled out of my truck, falling into a puddle, when my already bruised ankle gave way. I picked myself out of the freezing water and trudged with a heavy heart into the school. Small groups of people passed me, and my heart ached as I recognized all of them…but they didn't know me. I wrenched the office door open and announced myself to the secretary as warm tears slipped past my eyelids. I brushed them away quickly and pushed down the horrible dread, the inescapable feeling of sinking. She quickly explained what to do with my slip of paper and handed me a map of the school. I smiled at her best I could before I stalked out of the office and off to my first class.
I wouldn't be able to see him until lunch… and I would see him.
My day had played out exactly as it had in my…dream, I suppose. Every one repeated the same things I heard on my first day, no, I couldn't believe that this was my reality yet… I couldn't! I burst through the cafeteria doors, Jessica right behind me. Heart nearly exploding out of my chest, I scanned the cafe expecting to see my angel sitting at his lunch table.
Suddenly my heart stopped, my breathing ceased and I could only stare. There, at the far end of the cafe stood a solitary table. It was deserted; no one occupied the seats, not one person sat at that table.
"Bella?" Jessica asked. I turned to her slowly, I wanted to slap her, I wanted to hit her and shake her and DEMAND she tell me where Edward was. I wanted to scream and cry, I wanted to kill someone and I wanted to turn into a puddle on the floor, I wanted…I wanted…Edward.
I felt the ripping begin, as I knew it would, the ripping in my chest signalling that it was over, that my perfect fantasy was, indeed, too good to be true. I was falling apart at the seams; I could feel it beginning, like when he left me, but worse… a thousand, no, a million times worse.
Jessica was staring at me oddly but I ignored her and brushed past her shoulder. I continued numbly until I left the school, and then the school grounds. I didn't know where I was going but it had to be somewhere far away where I could preferably drown myself in a puddle of mud. I found myself amongst tress when I came back to my conscious self. The ripping was getting worse, the terrible, terrible tearing of my insides. I tripped over a fallen tree as I walked blindly into the forest and collapsed on the ground. I couldn't find the strength to get back up.
"Please."I gasped outin a sob as my insides burnt while a white-hot fire seared them into ash. "P-please, no." I gasped again. My voice rough with unshed tears. I scratched the earth's surface with my nails, raking in mud and dirt, dried leaves and moss. My cheek rested against the wet soil but I couldn't make myself get up.
"W-w-wake up." I stuttered, pleaded with myself, that's when the crushing began. I whimpered as my chest tore itself into pieces, I could feel every singly tear, every break it caused. I couldn't help the flood of images as they cascaded into my line of sight, cutting off every other reality. His cool breath, his sweet scent, his gentle fingers and reassuring words.
"Edward." I whimpered out pitifully and with every image and memory –or rather dream—another piece of my heart shred itself in two.
"Edward!" I screamed into the forest, heartbroken, fresh sobs breaking through my resistance, but I didn't care anymore. "Please, please no." I cried and pleaded but no one answered me. I was falling apart, he wasn't real, a figment of my imagination. My heart throbbed painfully and I wished for it to stop beating. To stop pumping the excruciating pain into every extremity of my body.
Not real, not real, not real…. My mind repeated until the uncontrollable sobs wracked my body so hard I couldn't breathe anymore.
"N-n-no, no please, I love you." I begged, my voice coming out rough from lack of air. Tears coming in fresh torrents down my face. I twisted as my body tore itself into pieces. Every memory I had of him suddenly tearing every single bit of me into nothing. My chest was falling apart but I couldn't put it back together this time, couldn't simply hold myself together when he had left me before. Because at least he existed. There was no point in a world without Edward.
"You PROMISED!" I bellowed as fresh sobs tore out of my broken chest. I was nothing, nothing without him. I couldn't see as dirt fogged my eyes, I couldn't breathe because of my wounded chest, couldn't think. "You promised." I repeated pathetically but no sound came out of my mouth, there was no air left for me to speak, to plead, grovel or beg. Suddenly, miraculously, my lungs filled with air, just before I thought I would suffocate. Suddenly the thought enraged me.
"I want t-t-to die, please, let me d-d-die." I whispered brokenly when I had no air left. Ah this was it, finally, I would go into oblivion where I could no longer feel. I was slowly losing consciousness, the black a wonderful welcome.
"Bella!" I fierce growl erupted around me, oh my beautiful imagination. I felt my lungs fill with air involuntarily and I sobbed harder, the feeling grating against my raw and aching chest, no, no I wanted to die.
"Please Edward, let me die." I whimpered out, knowing I wasn't talking to him, he didn't exist. My lungs filled with air once again as I struggled to cut off the flow of air to my lungs. My body wouldn't even let me die! I grabbed a fist full of my hair and yanked as hard as I could, screaming at the top of my lungs and whimpered out another broken sob, while my eyes stung from the salty water and my mangled body shuddered from exhaustion. I clawed at myself then, raking my nails over myself, tearing anywhere to distract me from the terrible sinking, crushing, tearing, ripping in my chest that was a thousand times worse than anything I had ever felt. Suddenly my arms snapped to my sides, I couldn't move them. I guessed they were simply too tired to move any longer, my body suddenly went limp. That was it then, and I sighed as no more air found its way into my lungs. It was finally over, the pain; the terrible pain was going to end. I could tell I was dying, my vision was clouding, I couldn't see anything anymore and my chest burnt worse and worse as it was denied air. I was only too happy to ignore it. Fading darker and darker, I used the last of my strength to open my lips.
"I love you." I mouthed silently as my world finally, went black.
"Bella, Please wake up!" Came a frantic cry, a sob. Oh but I recognized that sweet, sweet voice. Wait…I thought I was dead! Was this going to haunt me in death to? I sucked in air and my lungs burnt furiously…wait, why could I still feel my lungs?
"Bella?!" Came that sweet voice once again, but this time it sounded relieved, still carried out as a sob. My eyes suddenly snapped open and I stared straight at my angel, topaz eyes glinting, mouth in a tight line, hands on my face. But it wasn't covered in dirt as it should have been seeing as I had been laying in the forest. I looked down and realized I was in my bed, it was still dark outside. I looked back up at Edward and felt my heart stutter.
"Edward." I breathed; the sound was horrible, grating against my throat, coming out as a broken whisper, but still a worship. I reached out a shaking hand and caressed his face with it, he felt so real, it was hard to remember that he wasn't.
"Why? Why did you do that to me?" He asked out in a growl. I was confused but as I stared at his face in bewilderment, I realized something wet sliding down his face. I reached up to wipe it away but he caught my hand in a freezing grasp.
"Don't touch it." He said roughly and turned his head away from me. I watched in mortification as I realized what was going on.
"Edward, I thought you couldn't cry!" I stated alarmed, tears running down my face still. He took a deep shuddering breath before turning back to me and whipping away the liquid on his face.
"I didn't think so either." He growled at me, his anger simmering through his eyes. "It's venom." He whispered his voice still tight with anger. "How…?" I trailed off looking at him uncertainly. He sighed. "I don't know how it happened, but I don't think I've ever felt so utterly helpless in all my existence or so afraid… desperate." He finished in a whisper.
"Does it hurt?" I asked in a hushed voice, this was obviously something new to him.
"Yes." He admitted grudgingly, stroking my face with his fingers.
I looked at his face longingly, and suddenly his words from earlier struck me. "Wake up" he had said.
"Edward, what happened?" I asked him carefully still feeling the pieces of my insides shattered. I couldn't dare to hope, couldn't possibly even consider the idea…
"You were dreaming." He stated calmly but the tightening around his beautiful eyes gave him away. "You were dreaming something pretty awful I'm assuming, because you were pleading to end your life, and then you stopped breathing." He said, his voice tight, his eyes watching me frantically. I sucked in a painful breath and everything that had happened came crashing down.
Walking up, first day of school, my life with Edward all a dream… My mouth slowly formed a sob as I reached for him desperately. I clawed at his chest and pulled my body against his. He accepted me gladly and pulled me against him, his stone arms encircling me into a tight hug.
"E-Edward," I sobbed against his cold chest. "I-I-I w-w-w-" I couldn't seem to talk as harsh sobs wracked through my tired body.
"Shhh, shh, it's all right it was just a dream." Just a dream? I sighed and sobbed in happy relief. A dream, a terrible, terrible nightmare. "S-so, I had it all backwards?" I asked hopefully. He pulled my chin up so I had to look at him, the gesture felt familiar somehow.
"Well, what was your dream about and then I'll tell you." Edward whispered to me, pressing his marble smooth lips to mine. "You didn't exist." I mumbled against his lips when he released my chin. "I thought all the time we spent together was a dream, that none of it actually happened, and I, and I…I" I couldn't finish my sentence. Edward shushed me once again and rocked me back and forth.
"Just. A. Dream." He repeated. "A nightmare." I mumbled against him. I could already feel my broken pieces starting to seal themselves back together. My heart expanded and I could finally breathe without fear of my chest collapsing on me.
"So that's why I couldn't die." I murmured against his chest. Edward stiffened against me as I came to my realization. In my dream I had been trying not to breathe, Edward must have been breathing into me, to keep my alive while I slept. I suddenly remembered how frustrated I was when my lungs filled with air when I hadn't breathed in.
"You almost died in your sleep." He growled against me, his chest rumbling his emotion. "You just…refused to take any air." He finished in a whisper, all the love, fear, helplessness and anger all together in one.
As Edward cradled me to him I felt the aching in my chest, the feeling that had possessed me before I fell asleep in his arms. It was different from the tearing, ripping feeling when I thought he was gone from me forever. It was the ache that shook my chest and shot down to all my limbs, a burning that was the same yet so different.
"Bella? Why are you still crying?" He whispered against my hair, just as he had done before, showering it with kisses. And that's when it hit me. I turned my face up towards his as his eyes questioned me, begging, me to tell him why I was still in pain.
"Because I love you." I whispered my voice heavy with emotion and suddenly the terrible aching in my chest lifted as my words tumbled out of my mouth. I loved him so much it hurt me.
"I love you so much." I cried suddenly and pulled his face closer by his flaming bronze hair. I kissed him, trying to deepen a kiss I knew he wouldn't allow. But suddenly he deepened it for me. I felt all the aching, burning emotion flood out of me as I kissed him, letting him know exactly how I much I needed him. I felt lighter than I ever had, I was high on love, feeling the wonderful beautiful simplicity of it. After several wonderful seconds, we had to break apart, much to my disappointment, so I could breathe.
"Well," I started, staring at his love filled eyes. "At least now you know what would happen if you ever left again." I whispered. I saw the hurt cross his eyes and I immediately regretted saying that.
"I'm sor-"He cut me off with a gentle, cold finger.
"Never, never again." He whispered brokenly to me, agony clear in his eyes. " I love you, go to sleep." He whispered against my ear and finally I drifted off into calmer dreams, dreams were only Edward and I existed, together.
A-N: Thats it, I hope you enjoyed it, please review!