Title: Five Easy Steps to Getting Your Best Friend Naked (A Practical Guide for Secretly in Love BFFs)
Author: Mindy
Rating: T mild sexy stuff.
Disclaimer: Tina's
Pairing: Nameless BFFs.
Spoilers: "Blind Date", "Jack Meets Dennis", "Retreat to Move Forward".
Summary: All is fair in love and poker.
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Step One: Don't Arrive Empty-Handed
When your best friend calls, upset about breaking up with the latest of her romantic interests, a man you refrained from telling her was not right for her for three months, tell her it is not the best time to talk. Briefly talk her down from the roof (literally, she is on her roof, for whatever reason). Then drop whatever you were doing.
Order some good quality comfort food. Don't have your assistant do it, as he doesn't know as well as you do what your friend likes. There is no need to change your shirt or shave before leaving the office. You don't wish to delay, and in any case, a slightly rumpled, unshaven appearance can work to your advantage in this situation. You may want to lose the tie though. Don't forget to pick out a bottle of your best wine. Then tell your driver to ignore any and all road rules to get to her place. Fast.
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Step Two: Make Your Friend Feel at Home
When your best friend shows up at your door with a hot, huge pizza topped with all your favourites and one of his ludicrously costly bottles of wine, try to look like you haven't been crying over a man you barely knew, let alone loved. Refrain from hugging him (if you can) for knowing exactly what you need to feel better and for being there even after you saw the mountain of work he'd had planned for that evening.
Invite him in. Take his coat. Offer him a seat on the couch. If you can find wineglasses, make sure you polish the dust off them before pouring the expensive wine. If you cannot, regular water glasses will suffice for a casual heart-to-heart between good friends. Remember, your friend loves you for you, not for your glassware. Perhaps then, offer your friend the first slice of pizza -- knowing you the way he does, he will instantly recognize this as a token of your unwavering esteem and profound appreciation.
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Step Three: Take Advantage of Every Opportunity
When there is a blackout, do not panic -- even when your best friend spills red wine on your pants then tries to soak it up with paper napkins. Remain calm. Gently remove her hands from your swimsuit area. Then suggest some candles. Help her light the room with enough candles to see each other. But don't overdo it – you want to create a little subtle mood.
When she says she doesn't mind if you go back to your fancy, empty apartment and leave her in her blacked-out, wine-stained one (although not in those exact words) tell her you will stay for awhile to protect her from possible looters. Then propose passing the time by playing a game of some sort. Poker is always a popular choice in such situations.
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Step Four: Be Gracious in Victory
a) When you whip your best friend's ass in successive rounds of poker, try not to laugh too hard. Try not to taunt him and call him names. A little friendly banter is fine, of course, but don't get too cocky too soon.
If your friend runs out of money, inform him that you will happily accept the shirt off his back as a suitable wager. If he raises any objections to this, remind him of the time he challenged an innocent hick from the South to throw his beloved jacket and his dream job onto the table during a workplace poker tournament. Tell him also that you will give him every chance to win back his, of course, very expensive, shirt. Lie, if you must, that it is too dark and you are too blind to see him properly anyway.
When your best friend takes off his shirt and hands it over the coffee table to you, try not to notice that it feels warm from his skin. Or that it smells nice from his cologne, a scent you have come to glean a great deal of comfort from. Also, attempt to restrain any awkward comments about the fact you've never seen him half-naked before, but that you read somewhere that profuse hair on a man is a sign of virility. This might cause some unwanted tension. If you happen to make such a thoughtless comment though, simply blame it on the wine and move on as quickly as possible.
b) Remember, all is fair in love and poker. A fair fight is always far more fun. And never underestimate the erotic undertones in a little competition.
Don't be chivalrous. She doesn't expect you to be. She knows you well enough to realize that you will be watching for when she is bluffing and when she is not. Use her tells against her. After all, she's your best friend. You've known her years -- shared days, nights and everything in between with her. In that time, you've seen practically every expression that's ever passed across her face. You probably know her tells better than your own. Do not, however, fall into the trap of admitting to her how adorable they are. Save that for the right moment. And try not to be too distracted by the way she worries her lower lip between her teeth.
As the evening progresses and you manage to gain the upper hand, divesting your best friend of all her hard-won cash, you could at this point playfully suggest she use her shirt as a substitute wager. After all, it is only fair. In the event that she objects to this, remind her that you, along with a fair few of your colleagues witnessed her dancing on stage in her bra for not an insignificant length of time. An image now etched onto your brain, for both carnal and sentimental reasons. You may also wish to remind her of the time you walked unwittingly into the dressing room at work and found her blonde, big-eyed friend tugging a top off her that had gotten stuck. You did turn away as soon as her dishevelled head popped out, but that doesn't mean you don't remember what you saw.
If she still remains dubious, you may have to lie a little, telling her that more expensive wine makes a person forgetful. And that she will get every opportunity to win her shirt back. She doesn't need to know that neither of these things are true.
As she starts to unbutton, try not to look too eager. Try not to lick your lips. Also, do refrain from moaning when she throws the shirt in your face. It is best to keep up a composed front for as long as you can. It builds mystique.
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Step Five: When There's Mood, Don't Question It
When you are both shirtless, lying together on the rug, your legs wrapped around your best friend's body, do not interrupt his kisses to ask him whether he orchestrated the blackout for this purpose. He has denied once before being able to control the Universe. You didn't believe him then. And you don't entirely believe him now, when he repeats the assertion into your ear whilst nibbling it. Truthfully, you assume him capable of pretty much anything. But if he did orchestrate a blackout in order to manoeuvre the two of you into this precise situation, you can't say you're displeased with the outcome. Actually, it's about damn time one of you did something.
So tighten your grip on him. Pull him down for another kiss. And when you're comfortable, let him remove your bra and caress your breasts a little. Or alot -- whatever feels most natural. Consider, he has been eyeing them off for long enough, and not just this evening, but for years. If that weren't reason enough to grant him access, it will doubtless feel really, really good. So close your eyes and go with that feeling.
Most importantly, when the lights flicker back on, don't be so surprised that you shatter the mood. Just stay where you are. Wait for him to get to his feet and flick them off again at the wall. He will return to you in a hurry. And you will be pleased that he does. Open your arms to him. Then simply pick up where you left off.
From here, the removal of all other clothing should be quite simple and natural. If you have followed all five steps, even with some slight deviation, soon both you and your best friend should be completely naked. At which point, it is advisable to move proceedings to the bedroom -- or, depending on the level of urgency, the couch. In either instance, moving from the floor will make you more comfortable, as well as helping avoid any nasty burns incurred by over-enthusiastic lovemaking on an old rug that hasn't been cleaned in awhile.
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Addendum:
It is imperative upon the completion of these five steps, in order to reinforce the effects of them, to keep your best friend (and now lover) entirely naked for as long as is possible, and using whatever means necessary. Not only will this heighten the probability of a subsequent relationship (assuming you wish to continue getting your friend/lover naked, which, of course, you do). It will also give you ample time to explore each other fully, connecting intimately, and consummating what has been simmering between you for such a protracted period of time. It may go without saying, but this is the point at which you should finally confess the deep feelings you have developed for your long-time friend. Don't be afraid to use the 'L' word when moved to. Odds are, your best friend will use it back.
This extra measure not only guarantees intense satisfaction, it guarantees long-term success. Of course, this may take some arranging. As well as some stamina. But this is an important time, an important step on the road towards total fulfilment for you as a new couple. Cancel whatever you have to cancel. Lock the door, close the blinds. Do not answer the phone. Do not open the door. Eat when needed, stay hydrated.
And last, but not least: Enjoy!
END.