"How I feel. Inside me, I wish I couldn't feel anything, Sammy. I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing." Sam could hear the tears in Dean's voice; he could see his shoulders shaking. He didn't know what to say, but he had to say something.
"Dean," he whispered, and heard a soft sob come from his brother. Sam's heart jumped to his throat and he just leaned back, against the elder, trying to tell him it was ok. They sat like that for what seemed like hours, until Dean silently stood up and slumped behind the wheel, Sam reluctantly following.
They drove in dead silence for a good four hours, stopping at the first decent hotel they saw. "Dean-" Sam started as soon as they entered the room.
"Sam…" Dean warned, staring hard into his brothers eyes. "Drop it." Sam's opportunity to console his brother had passed, and Sam felt a twinge of guilt as he watched Dean go into the bathroom.
Why didn't I tell him that it was ok? Why did I just sit there? Sam collapsed on the bed and waited for his brother to return.
"You gonna shower?" Dean tossed the wet towel into a corner and Sam instantly sat up and shook his head. "Did you fall asleep?"
"I guess." He shrugged and cleared his throat. "Dean, uh, it's ok, you know?" Dean rolled his eyes in Sam's direction and shook his head.
"We aren't doing this, Sam. I've had enough for today."
"But, Dean, it isn't your fault. You lasted longer than anyone else could have."
"Dammit, Sam!" Dean slammed his hand on the bedside table and clenched his fist. "I tortured people, for ten years; ripped them to pieces. I became what we hunt, and you're going to tell me that it's ok?!"
"Dean-"
"Well it isn't." He grabbed the scruff of Sam's shirt and pulled him off the bed. He saw disgust in Sam's eyes, hatred towards him, and disappointment in him, and he shoved Sam back down. He turned to the door and fumbled with the bolted lock only once because slamming his fist into the wood. He pounded, over and over, until he felt someone behind him.
"Hey." Sam spun Dean around and collected him in an embrace. Dean tried to push him away, but his efforts were futile. Sam felt his own eyes well with tears as his brother groped for something to hold on to, something to keep from breaking down.
"I'm a monster, Sammy." He sobbed.
"No, no you aren't." He rubbed the tense muscles in Dean's neck and hugged him tighter. "Cas has forgiven you, you need to forgive yourself Dean. It's ok."
"What about you?" Dean looked up and a single tear cascaded down his tan cheeks. "Do you forgive me?"
"For what?"
"For torturing all those souls, for being a monster, for being weak…" he brought his forehead back onto his brothers' shoulder.
"There is nothing to forgive. You were not weak, you are not a monster." Dean's hands clenched hard and pinched Sam's skin. He took a long, shaky breath and slowly relaxed. Sam rubbed calming circles into Dean's back until Dean finally pulled away.
He sheepishly turned and brushed the tears off his face.
"Mm," Sam said, trying to relieve Dean of the awkwardness. "I could go for a burger and a beer. You?"
Dean sniffed and smirked. "Sure." Sam gave him a final pat on the shoulder as he led the way to the car. "Thanks, Sammy." He whispered to himself.