She left me. I can't believe that she left me. And for the blood sucker no less. Pain wrenches through my heart as I run and try not to think about the girl who was once helpless. It seems like it was just yesterday that we had been in my garage, working on the bikes. But now the love of my life is gone and she is never coming back. She is never coming back, I thought, as my heart gave another painful lurch. Why did it have to be like this? Why can't I have the one girl I wanted? It seems everyone else has gotten what they wanted. Everybody except for me. I tried telling her that I would start to age with her eventually, as soon as the stupid leeches left, but she freaked out.
Now I'm here all alone, and there isn't anybody to save me from myself. I was there for her, was I not? When the parasites left her, it was me that she came to; It was me that picked her up, and healed her, but for some reason she can't see that. Was I just a tool for her? Did she not actually care for me? Was I just something she used to try and get over him? All these questions haunt my mind constantly. I've tried everything, it seems, to get them to stop, but nothing has worked. Where is she when I need her?
She told me that she loved me, but obviously she doesn't, or else she wouldn't have made me second best. I thought I was the number one in her life. All those times I pretended not to notice the emptiness for her, just never seemed to be sufficient.
Apparently keeping her mind off the blood sucker wasn't good enough. Where did I go wrong? Why doesn't she love me? I want and need her but she just can't see that. Feeling something warm down my face, I run my hand across my cheek to find that its a tear. Am I crying over her? Some how this doesn't surprise me and only makes things worse, causing my heart more pain. Will it ever stop? I wonder sadly, as I slow down and look at my surroundings.
Finding a rock, I sit down let everything come out at once, sobs shaking my body. There isn't anybody around to comfort me. How I long to feel her arms around my abnormally warm body; I am never going to feel her embrace again, she is getting married and there is nothing I can do to change her mind. I tried so hard, but nothing worked. Now I am alone in the middle of no where, crying my heart out.
By now I'm so sure that I have a heart anymore. She tore it out with her bare hands and left it out to bleed, not thinking about how it was going affect me. The girl is selfish. She only thinks about her and her needs, never once thinking how I felt about just being friends. She never asked me if I was ok with that. Never. What about what I needed? My needs were important too, weren't they? I feel vulnerable thinking like this, but she did this to me. She made me feel useless.
Why did I have to fall for the girl that likes to torture me? Damn it! Trying hard, I find that I can't blame her for anything, not even after what she has done to me. That's how much I'm in love with her. I bet this is how Leah felt when Sam imprinted on Emily. Does this mean I was going to become bitter and full of hatred? I can't stand the thought of this. I'd rather become just an empty shell, on the verge of breaking, instead of being like Leah.
The good things in life never last. I feel as if I'll never be happy again. I know that she holds on to my heart and that every girl in the future will be compared to her. I'm not crying anymore, but those tears have been replaced by a hollow, numb feeling. How I'd give up almost anything just to have the tears back. They were much better than what is going through me now. It looks like no matter how sunny and happy it gets in La Push, my days will always be full of sorrow and rain. Though despite all of this, I still don't want my heart back, which might sound crazy, but it's true. I want her to have it with her at all times because I hope that perhaps, one day, she'll remember everything she could have had.
A/N: Just so you guys know this takes place right after Jake finds out that Bella is getting married to Edward.